she cooks Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 I'm new here and looking for advice. I "met" a colleague 1,000 miles away and for more than a year we have emailed, IMd, talked occasionally on the phone and exchanged pictures. I just left an 8-yr. live-in relationship 1 month ago and am glad I did. I feel like I've been "ready" a long time to meet my love interest, but how long should I wait? If he came here, would it be terrible to have him stay w/ me? I trust him and know he is using his real name, that he's gainfully employed, etc. I'd ask him to stay in the interests of our saving $, perhaps for future trips. He'd only sleep in a hotel anyway. I have a 1 BR and would give him my room so he could have some privacy. Though I feel immensely attracted to him, I hope that (among other things) we are able to take things slowly and let things naturally progress. I really care about him and don't want to botch this. Thanks.
creighton0123 Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 It's perfectly acceptable to have him stay with you, particularly since he is the one doing the traveling. You might find, however, that unless you're prepared to move much faster than you anticipated, sleeping arrangements might become a little... confusing. Are you sure you want to step into the land of an LDR right after ending a long term relationship? What prospects are there for the two of you to end the distance between you, should things work out?
Author she cooks Posted September 3, 2011 Author Posted September 3, 2011 Thanks for your response. I don't feel bad about ending the relationship I had; he was verbally abusive and made chaos at home. I'm not sure how we would close the distance, but I do think that if we feel something special we will find a way to make it work. And, that one or both of us would move so that we could be together. You're right that the sleeping arrangements would be confusing if he were to stay here. Someone else told me that he should stay in the LR only and would feel ungentlemanly if I gave up my bed. Perhaps it would be better if we met somewhere in the middle? Then we would have our own rooms, privacy, etc. Thanks.
TMichaels Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Since you've never met this guy in person, I would be a bit careful (even if you think he's not an axe-murderer). If he comes to visit you -- then have him stay in a hotel/motel -- and not at your place. Since this is a "colleague" any chance you might be able to arrange some sort of work meeting somewhere in between? You could casually mention you'll be traveling to "X" -- and see if he might be interested in meeting up there. But again, I would keep your hotel/motel accommodations separate and be very careful about meeting/being with him in a place that you may not be that familiar with. Best would be somewhere in between where you have friends who you could call and help you in the event things didn't go well at all. Best, TMichaels
FitChick Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 How people act with co-workers and with potential lovers is entirely different. Meet halfway so neither person is making a sacrifice. Preferably in a city where there are lots of interesting things to see and do so if you don't hit it off or one of you doesn't find the other attractive, you will still have a reasonably good time. You will be on neutral territory as well. Then if things go well, you can decide who visits whom next. However, don't be like a lot of people on this forum who automatically assumed the other person would move to their town and give up their career.
LittleTiger Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 However, don't be like a lot of people on this forum who automatically assumed the other person would move to their town and give up their career. What?! Where did you get this from? I've been an active member on the LDR forum here for about 2 1/2 years and non-active for a while before that, and I have never come across one single person who assumed such a thing!
LittleTiger Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Though I feel immensely attracted to him, I hope that (among other things) we are able to take things slowly and let things naturally progress. I really care about him and don't want to botch this. Thanks. Welcome to LS! If you want to take things slowly then you would be better off meeting on neutral ground and booking separate rooms. There's nothing wrong with having him stay at your place but if the physical attraction is there when you meet (which you should be aware it may not be - regardless of any emotional/intellectual attraction you currently feel) things will move along far more quickly than you intend. When my SO and I met for the first time, he travelled to me and we had accommodation arranged for him. However, when we met we didn't want to be separated and he ended up staying with me right from the first night. He slept in my spare room to start with but it only took about 4 days before we became intimate and that is a lot slower than most! There is also the possibility that you won't hit it off as you imagine and if he's coming to stay with you that could be very awkward. Whatever you decide to do, make sure you meet in a public place intitially so that you can get a sense of how comfortable you are with him before being alone together - either in a hotel or at home. Do remember that LDRs are really tough and not for the faint hearted. Good luck with your meeting. I hope it works out for you both!
HeavenOrHell Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 I've never come across anyone here either who assumed this! I'm guessing FitChick had this happen to her. What?! Where did you get this from? I've been an active member on the LDR forum here for about 2 1/2 years and non-active for a while before that, and I have never come across one single person who assumed such a thing!
Author she cooks Posted September 4, 2011 Author Posted September 4, 2011 Thanks; good advice all around, which I appreciate. Thinking that meeting somewhere between us will be best, especially if the sparks aren't there (though I hope they are). We could still have a good time and not feel awkward or pressured. I've actually been in a LDR before for 5 years. Part of me says, why would I consider doing this to over again? I feel that if things went swimmingly I would not want us to stay apart for very long. But I guess first, to see if we like each other in person as much as we do in virtual life. Trying to be as level-headed as I can be w/ this. If you had a first-time meeting IRL, how did you keep from being too invested in the outcome? Thanks for making me feel welcome.
FitChick Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 I've never come across anyone here either who assumed this! I'm guessing FitChick had this happen to her. Nope! I have no problem moving. I like a change of scenery. Seems to me there were a couple of women on here (I'm too lazy to search) who expected the man to move to their city or country. I think one was in Canada and the other in the Philippines. It seems odd to me that you think this never happens.
HeavenOrHell Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 >However, don't be like a lot of people on this forum who automatically assumed the other person would move to their town and give up their career.< I have not seen 'a lot' of people on this forum assume/expect their partner will move, I can't think of one instance where it was assumed. Hoped maybe yes, but not assumed. However, a person might expect it if their partner has said that is what they intend to do, if it's already been discussed between them. But circumstances change. Every situation is different, just because *you* might 'like a change of scenery' this doesn't apply to everyone, maybe it would be easy, or easier, for you to move to a different country or state, than many other people, everyone has their own circumstances and lives, different reasons for not being able or wanting to move hundreds, (or in most cases), thousands of miles away. If you have no problem moving, maybe you don't have much to keep you where you are, some of us have careers, kids, families, homes etc, which are irreplaceable. Nope! I have no problem moving. I like a change of scenery. Seems to me there were a couple of women on here (I'm too lazy to search) who expected the man to move to their city or country. I think one was in Canada and the other in the Philippines. It seems odd to me that you think this never happens.
FitChick Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 If you have no problem moving, maybe you don't have much to keep you where you are, some of us have careers, kids, families, homes etc, which are irreplaceable. Perhaps it might be wiser for *those* people to avoid LDRs in the first place. I know that if I met a man who lived in Bangladesh or Saudi Arabia, no matter how "perfect" he was, I wouldn't get involved knowing I would never move there. Of course, if you are only looking for a one night stand or vacation affair, then it really doesn't matter. I'm not talking about couples where one person is in the Armed Forces. They have no choice as to where they are assigned.
HeavenOrHell Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 (edited) I guess when people meet someone special they get carried away and don't think about the future too much at first, then reality sets in and all the practicalities of moving come to light. Personally, I wouldn't get romantically involved with someone living somewhere I could only fly to (I won't fly, so it would be impractical), or with someone further than my current partner lives (800 miles). We're both in Europe but in different countries, I can get to him by train. He contacted me in the first place, if he lived in America or anywhere further than where he is, I'd have said friendship only and wouldn't let it go anywhere else as it wouldn't work for me at that distance, the distance would mean a r/ship would be a turn off for me, wouldn't appeal to me, so it wouldn't be an option for me. I also wouldn't be able to deal with seeing him less than every other month. Early on in our r/ship my partner said he wanted to move over and he intended to, but problems to do with his job have put a spanner in the works and we're struggling with having no end in sight now. Perhaps it might be wiser for *those* people to avoid LDRs in the first place. I know that if I met a man who lived in Bangladesh or Saudi Arabia, no matter how "perfect" he was, I wouldn't get involved knowing I would never move there. Of course, if you are only looking for a one night stand or vacation affair, then it really doesn't matter. I'm not talking about couples where one person is in the Armed Forces. They have no choice as to where they are assigned. Edited September 5, 2011 by HeavenOrHell
folieadeux Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 On our very first trip, my SO arranged for a hotel to stay in just in case. I think it's always good to have a back up plan regardless of how well you anticipate things will go. But do know going into this that if you decide to have him stay at your place, that things will progress faster...it's only natural afterall. If you feel you aren't ready or are having any doubts for whatever reason, then not having him share your bed right away would be the way to go.
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