HEART0FG0LD Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 (edited) I have been through a tumultuous relationship with my now ex boyfriend for the past 5 years. We have only broken up twice in the past - all done by him. And he usually comes back around after enough time has passed his course. I love this man. He has been my best friend for over 8 years and we have always been attracted to each other since we met. Our timing was just never on the target at the get go. Our last break up prior to this one was because of a personal issue he had - and he didn't think I would be able to handle it, and thought he was doing me a favor by leaving. This whole time we had been living together for almost 3 years and he started moving things back to his parents house little by little. Each time having an excuse to why he was taking it home. 'My dads computer broke - he's gonna borrow mine' - I thought nothing of it until his behavior took a complete 360 and he started going out to parties (which he hates) and drinking (which he hates even more) When he had called me to ask and "talk" I had already known what he was doing. I simply replied with 'Are you breaking up with me?' and he had said yes. I said, 'Okay Bye' and hung up. I packed his things up that night and texted him the next afternoon letting him know he could come collect his things. He responded back with he couldn't do it and asked me if one of my roommates could bring them to him. I made the arrangements and shut him out of my life completely. He had called a week later begging for me to take him back. I simply said I couldn't trust you anymore and I needed time to figure out what I did want. A few months later I was sexually assaulted by my friends boyfriend. This has since now been the deconstructing of myself. I was kicked out of my place. Laid off from work. Moved back in with my family. The first person I called when I realized what happened - was him. I often ask myself if it was for a safety net.. But I have and always loved him. I was too stubborn to get over him breaking our trust to reconcile sooner. We had then started dating again. Things just continuing to get worse from there. I still couldn't function at "normal" people hours. In lieu of all of this - I in this horrible depressive state. Had stop doing daily things. I couldn't feed myself. I couldn't care for myself - and he was the person who was doing it for me. Getting little to no sleep every night and only seeing him for a few minutes before he went to work each night. My parent's didn't know how to deal with my behavior and asked me to leave their home - he offered me to move in with him at his parent's - which is where I am currently. A little over a month ago I saw the same patterns going on as before - and mentioned it to his mother and sister in the car and I started to get upset about it. A few days later he told me he was unhappy and no longer wanted to be with me. He had said he talked with his mother and arranged me to stay in another bedroom. He also had said he has no plans seeing anyone else - he doesn't want another relationship. He just needs some time away. He isn't sure if there's a chance of our relationship to be salvaged. He said he does love me - that I don't doubt. Things were fine at first. He would talk to me and make jokes and we would occasionally hook up but I am aware it was what it was. Nothing more than that. A few weeks after the breakup sex he asked me if i wanted to hang out - and we watched a movie together and then went to bed. Since that day his behavior changed again another 360 and he keeps going out every single night and snagging extra shifts. Not wanting to talk to me anymore. I just don't get it ;/ A few nights ago when I went to get my sleeping medication he had asked me to quit smoking because it bothers his family. I agreed with him and said okay. Not making it into a big deal or anything. He asked me why I was getting upset and I simply replied that I missed my Best Friend and this is really hard and left his bedroom. A few moments later he had ended the relationship on facebook and has yet to say a word to me. We live in the same house but he refuses to come home and have to look at me and keeps taking double shifts at his job. I really don't know what else to do at this point. I have no friends - and can't count on my direct family. I feel horrible for his family having to be dragged through all of this. I don't crowd him with wanting to hang out... Or sending e-mails.. Or texts.. I figured simply give him his space and let him come to me with when he figures out what he truely wants. But I miss him so much - that I keep doubting myself and am truly at a loss with which step to take from here. I would be much appreciated for any constructive criticism. Edited August 30, 2011 by HEART0FG0LD
Nohbody Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 It sounds like you have been through an ordeal or two. Or more. Have you been to some kind of therapy since you were assaulted? You really need to do that if you haven't. If you have, you need to continue your regime. Have you considered talking to a psychiatrist and seeing if medication is a good idea? You desperately need to sort yourself out before you start to worry about this guy. You have been through a lot, and you need to deal with the aftermath of all that. This is my two cents. I wish you the best.
Author HEART0FG0LD Posted August 30, 2011 Author Posted August 30, 2011 It sounds like you have been through an ordeal or two. Or more. Have you been to some kind of therapy since you were assaulted? You really need to do that if you haven't. If you have, you need to continue your regime. Have you considered talking to a psychiatrist and seeing if medication is a good idea? You desperately need to sort yourself out before you start to worry about this guy. You have been through a lot, and you need to deal with the aftermath of all that. This is my two cents. I wish you the best. I have seen a psychiatrist and I was put on medication which sadly made things even worse. I was unable to do more when I was on the medication then when I tried functioning without it. It pretty much made me a zombie :S I realize I have a lot of things I need to overcome - and I feel bad about how bad it got and what brought us to this point. I had no idea how much I was stressing him out by being unable and inept to deal. It'll probably sound stupid - but having him by my side would just make things easier ;/ I have made a lot of progress though. I am now able to leave the house and do things without people. Before I just was too scared to go out in public. Which I read is common for people after an assault. As well as many of my other symptoms. I am unable to continually keep attending due to finances. My money tree died a long time ago Everyone says to just don't worry about him and work on myself. I hate to say it's easier said than done. Especially with the living circumstances.
Nohbody Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 I went through four different kinds of medicine before i found one that i can tolerate well. It has qualitatively made my life easier, combined with regular therapy and physical exercise. The guilt you are feeling is normal, but you seriously have to focus on getting yourself together. If he really loves you, he will come back, and will understand that you were not well. Focus on being well. Do whatever you need to do, but don't dismiss anything out of hand. Talk to your psychiatrist and explain the issues at hand and see if you can find something that works. It is very hard, but you can't even THINK about fixing your relationship until you fix yourself.
Author HEART0FG0LD Posted August 30, 2011 Author Posted August 30, 2011 I went through four different kinds of medicine before i found one that i can tolerate well. It has qualitatively made my life easier, combined with regular therapy and physical exercise. The guilt you are feeling is normal, but you seriously have to focus on getting yourself together. If he really loves you, he will come back, and will understand that you were not well. Focus on being well. Do whatever you need to do, but don't dismiss anything out of hand. Talk to your psychiatrist and explain the issues at hand and see if you can find something that works. It is very hard, but you can't even THINK about fixing your relationship until you fix yourself. Many people have said that to me. I just really feel my safest route is to just avoid the medication aspect. I would still continue with therapy but losing my job = no benefits + no money. So I have not been able to pursue that - until finding a new job. I try sticking with yoga every morning and I have made eating choice decisions within this last month or so. I feel better... and I've certainly come a long way out of my hole. A few months ago - creating a thread like this wouldn't have been something I do. It's really hard to concentrate on myself - when all I want to do is make everything else better first. Thank you for your feedback. I will keep trying to pull through
Downtown Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 Heart, I agree with Nohbody. Like him, I had to go through four types of meds before finding an anti-depressant that worked in my body (while I was divorcing my exW). Because everyone's body chemistry is a bit different, finding a med -- and dosage level -- that works without making you feel gawd-awful is like trying on shoes to see what fits. I also agree with Nohbody's sage advice to fix yourself before even thinking about fixing the relationship. Until you recover from the PTSD and learn how to make yourself happy again, you are not ready to sustain a mature LTR. As long as you are in such deep pain and unhappiness, you will be so self focused on getting rid of the pain that you cannot be as caring and giving as you once were.
Recommended Posts