Coupedriver Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 [FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica][sIZE=2]I really dont know where to start this post and for those reading..better grab a bite to eat and a cold one..THIS IS A LONG ONE...OK..hmmm..where to begin...? I am a male,44 years old and was in a 7 year relationship with a woman ( 31 years old now..) and now its over..or is it..? I dont know if we can use real names so lets stick to letters.When we first ,met JA was like watching a a new world being born...like my eyes has been closed for all of those years and I finally found someone that ..just..we ..CLICKED. We has so much in common is was SO cool..( She has a daughter by someone else..)...I tried to STAY away and so did she because of our age differences BUT that was NOT going to happen...we still made time for each other..more and more time...I told he when we first met.." NO children but I would help her raise her daughter like my own.." I asked her to move in and she did...things werent great but we did manage...we argued but who doesnt..? I gave up all of my free time..( I build Hot Rods....well DID..) to help her watch her daughter so she could go to work...We lost the house and went to an apartment,where I still watched her daughter everytime she went to work...well the apartment wasnt for us so we rented a house. Same thing ..I watched her.Now to tell you how much I spoiled JA would take about 3 years..she never went without..I would spend money meant for lunch ( for me..)on dinners for us..cant tell you how many times that happened..Clothes..jewelery..dinners..shoes..ok,you have the picture...but we did argue pretty bad sometimes..( learned through counseling that I NEVER should have waited to talk to smooth things out..and my control issues I had.).But we agreed when we moved here..shes takes care of the inside of the house..me the outside...BUT when I would come home...DIRTY house and her watching TV.I would ask her.."Is this too much..? " "Nope ..I can handle it..she would say"..well why is the house a mess..? Well I am tired from work...this would go for days at a time...me asking her to clean up..then an argument..then nothing..then 3 days later,we talk.I asked her to move out because maybe it would be better if we lived apart but still maintained we had.She agreed and we went on like that..OR so I thought....We had special plans to go to the Zoo over the weekend but she never called me...kinda being frantic I called her....and called and called...NO answer...Now I am REALLY freaking out...what if she is hurt or something..? Well I wait for her in the parking lot where she works and she shows up..I ask her whats happening..? She had a look of PURE terror when I drove up..like something I havent ever seen with her.She said we need to talk..RUT RO..ok..I will meet you after work..so I wait and she says..." I love you BUT I am NOT in love with you..." WHOA..I feel my heart fall...I fall..I did everything I read about your NOT supposed to do...I cry..I babble...I promise to change..( Well I was changing through counseling BUT she never gave me the chance to tell her..)...I want to die..I tell her.." I cant take this pain...I am going home to end my life." ..( Yeah I know ..DUMB..but it wasnt far from the truth...I DID have a plan..)..She continues to say talk but words arent really meaning anything...Like I am underwater and she is talking to me...she tell me.." I dont know who I am anymore" and I FEEL numb..." NUMB..? How do you think I ma feeling..??!?!?!?!? You told me a few months ago..{ " I LOVE YOU..YOU are the one for me...I have never had so MUCH in common with someone...your my BEST FRIEND.."...now I dont know what to believe...was she lying the whole time..? . Oh by the way...she cheated on her last BF with his best friends..she got pregnant..She also tells me this early in our relationship...she also ADDS..I WILL NEVER LIE OR CHEAT ON YOU...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well guess what I found out..? She was talking to some guy for about 6 months..when I asked her this she said..."Oh,hes going through a divorce and needed someone to talk to...( I later found out he was NEVER even married..)..I told her.."JA,thats what SUPPORT groups are for..NOT YOU..he needs to work it out with his wife..your in a relationship" WELL..we start to argue BADLY...she says.."Well I have never been SO HAPPY" UH..your in a new relationship..EVERYONE is HAPPY....She tells me..." I didnt cheat until we broke up.." UH JA..we have NEVER broken up....(counselor told me that she explains it in a way that makes sense to her so it looks like she didnt cheat..)...I fire BACK.." It will never work..its just him playing with your emotions and him being there at the right time.."!!! We fire a few more barbs..and she leaves..well I talk to her mother and ask her..."How is she..?" Shes NOT good...the guy she is dating doesnt have a car OR a job...!!! Well she sent me an e-mail saying she DOING great..>!!! Her mothers tells me.." I dont think it will last and so does the rest of the family.."..( One more item..she still gets her mail here so her daughter can attend the local school and is WAY better then where she lives now..so I agreed to it..).We do send e-mails back and forth...once in a while...( FOR the LONGEST time..nothing...she wouldnt even answer me..)... I drop her mail off now and then and we make small talk...but I can see behind her face she is falling apart..stressed out to the MAX.I KNOW THIS GIRL...well thought I did...oh,ok ANOTHER item..I will warn you now..this is VERY PERSONAL..but I can hide behind this computer...I found out she has HVP and yes I caught it...Now I was PRETTY scared at first and didnt FREAK out or throw her out of my house..we just kinda understood what had happened and we worked through it.Yes she still has it...now to the POINT..( Still reading..?...LOL)...a few things I NEED answers on..first off...why would she tell me all of those things and then turn around and LIE and CHEAT on me..? Everything I did was a joke on me..?What did I mean to her..? Giving up 7 years of my life so she could go to work..Is that whats loves about..? You give and give and keep giving then find out shes lying..? How should a person expect to act after this..?. Shake her hand and say"Thanks for the laughs..?" Whoa..I am starting to sound bitter.....Not bitter..CONFUSED.....now ANGRY... [/sIZE][/FONT]
Author Coupedriver Posted August 29, 2011 Author Posted August 29, 2011 I am so confused....I mostly HATE going to work.Why..? What kind of power does a person HAVE to do this to another human.?!?!?!?!? How can you let me BE there every time YOU needed ME but wont be there for me when I need you.?!?!??! How can someone take a person apart like this..? I have been through break-ups and even walked out of a marriage but for some ODD reason I cant let this go......!!!!!!!! I seem to be living a nightmare....Her running to and fro and me sliding into quicksand....I feel myself SLOWLY going down. My body tells me I cant keep this pace up....I go to the Doctor and he FREAKS when he looks at me...."WHAT THE HELL is going on with you..?!?!?!? I dont have an answer....I HEAR the question...but have no answer.."DAVID" he yells....What is wrong..? I tell him briefly...tears flow like water down hill...( WHY DO I KEEP feeling like this..?!?!???!?!?!? I WANT IT TO END..!!!!!!!! ) He doesnt say much but gives me 2 counselors to go talk to....He gives something MAKE me sleep..."YOU NEED to SLEEP DAVID..!!" How much sleep have you had..?..Uh I think....40 minutes last night....25 minutes the night before....I ramble on. "At this pace,you will be in a Hospital."....Who cares I answer...I see the world outside but dont feel nothing.THIS ISNT FAIR..! I GAVE MY LIFE for HER....!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why and how can someone TREAT you like this...?!?!?!?
Author Coupedriver Posted August 29, 2011 Author Posted August 29, 2011 I talk to friends....I go here and there try to stay busy..I put on my HAPPY FACE...I feel the fake face start to crack.My first counselor talks but I really dont hear much..."David..?"..Yes...Can you explain how you feel..? Hmm..good question....NO..I cant ..BUT I feel anger building in me...I wont harm her..EVER but I want and DEMAND answers..!!!! Counselor explains.." Why..? Do you think she will tell you the truth..??" I dont know....I want answers... How can you look at someone face to face and tell them what she told me...?!??!? Counselor says.." People change David.."..You or her are NOT the same people you started out as.." Counselor adds..."STOP talking to friends and HER family..NOW..!!!".Friends will only tell you.."Oh move on...Theres more fish in the sea.."..I dont like to fish I tell them.She adds.." They have NO emotional connection to you or her..so what they say isnt the best advice you will hear.."Why would her family say one thing and she tells me another..?!?!??!? She adds.."She will NOT tell you things are going badly...it will re-enforce what you said about it not lasting...And she cant handle that fact that your right." I find so MANY sites through all this..( I even started a post about buying some of these books..) and cant help but think how many are giving the right advice and which ones are wrong....I feel...dirty.....used.....Like I dont belong. Work takes SO MUCH effort....I talk again to my counselor as much as I can..it takes SO MUCH effort some days.Let me crawl under the bed and let the world go away...My GOD I think..I am 44 years old..why is this happening to me....??? Counselor adds.." It happens more then you think...HURT has no age limit or who it strikes..".Imagine how people HAVENT even told there story or hid behind lies..?!?
Author Coupedriver Posted August 29, 2011 Author Posted August 29, 2011 I sit up some nights and read until I get tired....I HAVE to take my medicine or no sleep..and I MUST sleep.I am a truck driver and haul glass so imagine what would happen if I fell asleep at the wheel.I see my Counselor and she asks some point blank questions..."Did you ask her about going to counsling...NOT for HER,but for her to sit in on a session...?" I tried but she cut me short and wouldnt listen.... She adds..David...? yes...? if she called you right now and asked to come home...the counselor doesnt even finish..." I would tell here I will be there in less then 3 minutes..PACK your things.!!" "You have a long way to go David,this isnt going to be easy. You are going to have good days and bad days..." GOOD DAYS..!?!?!?! REALLY..!?!?!??!? When would that be..??! 2 years..???!"? 3 years..?!?!? A LIFETIME...???!?!? "You need to find a way to focus on SOMETHING..ANYTHING that keeps you busy..she says.Hows the car building going.??"Oh...the one still sitting where I left off the day we broke up..?? STILL sitting on jack stands...I can write my name in the dust... "I want you to go to the local school and see what programs MIGHT interest you...YOU need to stay BUSY....STOP letting your mind be your own worse ENEMY...!!!!!!!!!!!"She asks me.." Have you decided to tell the school she doesnt live there so her daughter cant go to that school..?" ..I think....I cant be that MEAN to that little girl....She has been through enough.
Author Coupedriver Posted August 29, 2011 Author Posted August 29, 2011 We are back in session..I cry for almost a 1/2 hour before I get a grip."Have you seen your Doctor about the HVP..??" ..Yes..." What did he say she asks..?" He said its going to be a VERY tough choice when and if you decide to tell lher or bring it up...Its also a LEGAL issue I am told...WHAT I ask the Doctor...? Oh yes..if you have HIV and have sex,you have commited a Federal Offense...Now because HVP isnt high up on the chart,she can still be brought into a Civil Court and charged...My mouth hangs open when he tells me this... I cant think of noway of telling her that she NEEDS to tell her new BF...AND she needs to go to HER Doctor because of the risk of cancer doubles.I ask the Doctor....He answers.." Its a moral issue and I cant tell you either way,.." GREAT...I ask my counselor...." I cant tell you David or advise you on that subject..".I feel like I am in still in a nightmare...soon I will wake up and all will be better.... I go to see my other Doctor...." How is the medicine working..?" GREAT..I sleep for about 4 to 5 hours now...!! Hmmm..He looks at me..."You are losing a GREAT deal of weight...." OH..its called the NEW BREAK-UP diet.."You torture yourself with guilt and hopelessness WAHOO...your skinny ..!!..He doesnt laugh for some reason.... I feel like I am still underwater...I can still here her words....Like she is standing in FRONT of me..." I NEED to find myself."..it keeps playing over and over...( I all ready posted about the TRIGGERS..!!)...then seem to be everywhere..more now then ever. I am back at counseling..."Did you decide about telling her to stop her mail from coming there...?? " ..I feel like throwing up...I walk into the bathroom...I am just staring at the mirror and looking at what I have become..." I CANT stop her mail...!! It is the LAST link I have to her...!!!" "David....you have to be strong....THIS has to stop..she is controlling YOU..!!" But I did the same thing to her for so many years....I TRIED to change her and control her...But I always made sure she was happy... The counselor isnt buying it...."You have to..David.."..I feel weak..I cant I mumble...How does someone become you whole world...? When do you change..? My counselor tells me that she has had people with her for YEARS trying to cope.....I hear the word YEARS and freak....I cant do this for YEARS....I WANT AND NEED MY life BACK..!!!!!!!
Author Coupedriver Posted August 29, 2011 Author Posted August 29, 2011 I have no actual feeling of days coming and going...Does this ever end I ask myself...? Do all of those people on LS feel this terrible....? A grown man..?!??!? I read more....I gain some hope by reading about G.I.G.S and maybe she will come back....SHE has to see how much better it was here..NOT perfect by any means but pretty good...I go again to counseling....I tell her what I have read....she shakes her head.."David...you are not looking at HELPING you..you are holding on to her...you need to let it go..if and WHEN she ever does come back,that will be GREAT for you two..But PLEASE dont hold your breath on that fact." I dont want to hear that part.....my counselor can tell by my facial expression how I am feeling...I feel the cracks starting again..."Did you find a local school that offers any kinds of programs that you can go to..?" she asks...Yes..I see a few things,but I have that feeling I really DONT want to be around people..I LOVE my misery.....( yeah,kinda weird..)."You need to get out..you need to find the friends you stopped talking to when you guys first met and re-starting there friendship" I feel too numb to say anything....I feel exhausted...words are a strain. She tells me..." I want you to start keeping a journal....write down EVERYTHING....your anger...your crying....DONT stop writing..."I think...Hmm...LS journal....maybe ...I dont know...Do the people here REALLY want MORE misery into the forum..???
Author Coupedriver Posted August 29, 2011 Author Posted August 29, 2011 We have NC anyway so I guess it started by itself.BACK again at the counselor..."Does she contact you at all David..?" No..I just send her an e-mail telling her mail is hanging by the side door....She always writes back..."Thank you so VERY much..or I am so grateful.."..This upsets me....How can she act one way when I DO stop by to drop it off ( or should I say WHEN I did drop it off..I dont anymore...she has to come here..) and another totally different way through e-mail...??!?!? The counselor says.."She can hide behind an e-mail and not let you see how stressed she is.." I dont like the feeling....Like its another lie....I dont know when the lies started and the truth became lost with her.... " We talked about why she said that to you..." I have NEVER been so happy in my entire life.."...Why do you think she said it she asks...A shot at me....make me feel lesser of a man then I already do..she has to have a come back to make her feel GOOD about herself and the cheating....WHICH still is eating away at me..... I stayed TRUE to her....!!!!! I never cheated....lied....or strayed.I went without so she could have what she wanted...!! I didnt run out on here when she told me about the HPV...I STUCK it out..!!! I can feel anger building at an alarming rate....How dare someone take all of you..your heart...your feelings....your very soul and SLAM it into the ground....? Like your nothing.... I know am feeling the strain the Doctor told me about on my heart....GREAT...Now I will need MORE meds.My counselor asks if I run or go to a gym...I really dont because I lift all day and it DOES keep me fit...She says.." I would maybe start running..to keep you focused on other things....".I can tell the counselor is worried about me.... I feel like I am the only person this is happening to....But then I read on this forum....I cant help but feel sad....and I cry....so many people...I wish I could help them all...I hope they ALL find help and peace. I think back on all of the relationships..( well NOT that many..) I have had...and even my marriage..( married 11 years..) and knowing when it was time to leave...Not feeling good or bad,but just knowing when it was time...BUT for some reason this is having a terrible effect on me...My counselor adds..." As we get older,it does effect you different....it effects EVERYONE different.." Some people hide what there feeling...some need to pout it out and that helps them....some people just go on,without looking back....Being at your AGE David doesnt mean it cant or wont happen to you..If you were in your 20s,it would be different too.."YOU cant make her LOVE you or make her come back to you.....that will be up to her..." I know..I hear the words but dont want to believe it....I want it to end..thats all....this feeling in my stomach....the dreams..the TRIGGERS..I want to write more but its time to sleep....early call tomorrow....I ....hope everyone finds peace....
ConfusedT Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 AGE DOESNT MATTER IF YOUR HURT! Neither does how you look. i am SOOOOO tired of hearing, well you're SO beautiful, why should you even be sad? go find someone else! huh? really? so you think because my exterior is nice that my interior should automatically match???? not at all. i guess by common standards, im pretty, but inside my heart is broken, i have no self-worth or confidence, so no matter how beautiful my smile is, there are tears in my eyes and soul =( im happy you put my quote in your car! i promise we are all here to listen and to help and to support and to try to help you get through it!!! its hard and it seems to be getting harder and not easier for me, but eventually it will get better! FAITH!!!
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