Author bluenightowl Posted August 30, 2011 Author Posted August 30, 2011 Yes indeed. These are just general ideas I've found from viewing these forums. Everyone needs to discover and experiment themselves, but I do think I would have saved some heartache had I learned from others sooner. I think AHardsDaysNight added pointed 9. "9. Don't put too much self worth on the outcome. This will lead to failure." I would reword it to be: 9. Don't put too much self worth on the outcome. Always use these experiences to learn about dating and most importantly YOURSELF, your boundaries and dating style. I'm on a posting roll here, but if you look at the "coping" forums section, and from my own experience, the concept of No Contact (NC) is very very important to understand. Anyone who has yet to have a GF or BF can definitely expect at least one major devastating breakup in your lifetime, and likely more than one.. or a marriage breakup, affair, etc. If you really want to get over someone fast, you have to completely do the opposite of your instincts to connect with the person you think you love. That is do nothing. I can tell you every single time I did this, they contacted me eventually. Every single time I called them, did things, they never cared and gave all my power and strength to them. Perhaps the simply laws of attraction. In any case, even if they contact you, your best bet is to move on 9/10 times IMHO.
betterdeal Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 Hmm, I don't see it as power to be tussled over. If you receive a call in that nanosecond in which you realise it's them, you cheer up because you instantly know they want to talk to you. If you call, and you think it's a power game, (or are too upset to accept any outcome of the call gracefully in other words) then you are stressed before you even dial. These states influence the outcome of the call. As men, we're afraid to express certain feelings and women are pretty uncomfortable with us when we do express them well. This is an unfortunate cultural thing. For example, a man saying, "you hurt me" is often laughed at. Women have feelings and minds that need to be full and tended to. Men just need to grow an extra pair of testicles to solve their problems. This doesn't help men to calm down, to be open about their sorrow, hurt, confusion. So we end up upset for longer and if we make a call after X days we're more likely to still be upset than a woman is, because she has better, more effective ways to deal wit upset. This is a massive simplification, but it's a theme. I'm glad it's starting to change for the better and men are beginning to be accepted as human beings by leading therapists such as Engel and are starting to express their feelings more. More jaw jaw, less war war.
Author bluenightowl Posted August 30, 2011 Author Posted August 30, 2011 Hmm, I don't see it as power to be tussled over. If you receive a call in that nanosecond in which you realise it's them, you cheer up because you instantly know they want to talk to you. If you call, and you think it's a power game, (or are too upset to accept any outcome of the call gracefully in other words) then you are stressed before you even dial. These states influence the outcome of the call. As men, we're afraid to express certain feelings and women are pretty uncomfortable with us when we do express them well. This is an unfortunate cultural thing. For example, a man saying, "you hurt me" is often laughed at. Women have feelings and minds that need to be full and tended to. Men just need to grow an extra pair of testicles to solve their problems. This doesn't help men to calm down, to be open about their sorrow, hurt, confusion. So we end up upset for longer and if we make a call after X days we're more likely to still be upset than a woman is, because she has better, more effective ways to deal wit upset. This is a massive simplification, but it's a theme. I'm glad it's starting to change for the better and men are beginning to be accepted as human beings by leading therapists such as Engel and are starting to express their feelings more. More jaw jaw, less war war. I agree with your latter points completely. It is true, IF you receive a call you feel cheered up after a breakup (well if they dumped you or don't have a new GF). The point here is if you call, esp. more than once and even if its not a power game, ask yourself why are you calling her after she dumped you? What purpose does it serve? Do you want to be friends. Does this help you get over her? I do think there is a power issue there, but regardless the main issue is helping yourself heal.
logano Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 This is absolutely true. Human behavior time and time again proves the point. For me it is the hardest thing in the world not to call/email after a break-up (I think this is more common for women), but if there is any chance that he might contact me, he's only going to do it 1. he doesn't feel chased, 2. he doesn't feel guilty 3. he has time to decide if he actually misses me. No contact is the only way I can preserve my dignity. If he does contact me, then I can make a decision to accept him or not from a position of power, not desperate weakness. The guy I was seeing broke up with me last week for really no reason I could understand (or, as he admitted, could he). And I emailed him for clarification and closure. I don't regret that, as i made it very clear that i was just saying what i didn't have the presence of mind to say when he broke up with me over the phone. He responded, but still no clarification, still the same statements that contradicted breaking up with me.He apologized for his vagueness, but still, i wanted an explanation. So I emailed him again. That email I regret. he never responded. Interestingly, I changed my online photo the other day. And the very next day so did he. I wonder if it was a coincidence or if he's been following me online as I've been following him? And maybe we were both really into each other, but also both wondering why each other was still online. We had had too few dates to talk about exclusivity, but because we were having sex the implications of looking around is still hurtful. Hence, sex, as much I love it and want it just as much as the guy, has to wait. Live and learn.
Author bluenightowl Posted August 30, 2011 Author Posted August 30, 2011 We had had too few dates to talk about exclusivity, but because we were having sex the implications of looking around is still hurtful. Hence, sex, as much I love it and want it just as much as the guy, has to wait. Live and learn. Yes, this is what I have learned as well, and never easy to say no to something we all love, but the rewards of patience are worth it.
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