Trying to put together what I've learned from LS and dating

[bluenightowl]

I'm interested what people think of this. I've been reading, writing and observing about what makes for good dates leading to relationships. I realize many people have many different dating styles, moral values, attitudes you name it, but here it is:

 

Dating as a guy looking for a LTR:

 

1. Get to know her. Don't rush, relax, and avoid sex too early.

 

2. Realize she might be dating other men and so don't over invest your emotions too soon.

 

3. Let her chase you too. Be playful, have fun, don't get too serious. Don't smother her with attention, compliments, presents.

 

4. Watch for red flags, esp. a rebounder and be ready and willing to walk. You have to remember you are #1. You will look stronger to her if you are not smothering her and willing to move on.

 

5. Multi-dating can be a problem, but generally 1-3 dates with other people (no sex) can be an okay way to determine who you want to focus on well before sex.

 

6. Don't push commitment, but you might after say 4-8 dates ask if they are seeing anyone else. Some people do it on date one.

 

7. Many dating and relationship situations don't work out. What's your strategy if it doesn't work out. Be prepared for no contact. Be prepared to walk. How you deal with the breakup is as important as how to deal with the dating and relationship.

 

8. Always keep focused on having a great and wonderful life besides your relationship. It will keep your relationship strong. If you are strong, you're better prepared to deal with the issues as they appear.

[grkBoy]

I love it...right on the money in my book.

[Tybalt]

This sounds fairly universal regardless of gender. I think these actions naturally spring from being well adjusted, emotionally secure, and keeping balance in all aspects of life. I like it!

[zengirl]

While I think some of the fundamental ideas there are sound (like go slow and walk away if someone isn't right for you), it seems so cold and calculating to me when you put it all that way. Interesting list, though.

[AHardDaysNight]

9. Don't put too much self worth on the outcome. This will lead to failure.

[KathyM]

I'm interested what people think of this. I've been reading, writing and observing about what makes for good dates leading to relationships. I realize many people have many different dating styles, moral values, attitudes you name it, but here it is:

 

Dating as a guy looking for a LTR:

 

1. Get to know her. Don't rush, relax, and avoid sex too early.

 

2. Realize she might be dating other men and so don't over invest your emotions too soon.

 

3. Let her chase you too. Be playful, have fun, don't get too serious. Don't smother her with attention, compliments, presents.

 

4. Watch for red flags, esp. a rebounder and be ready and willing to walk. You have to remember you are #1. You will look stronger to her if you are not smothering her and willing to move on.

 

5. Multi-dating can be a problem, but generally 1-3 dates with other people (no sex) can be an okay way to determine who you want to focus on well before sex.

 

6. Don't push commitment, but you might after say 4-8 dates ask if they are seeing anyone else. Some people do it on date one.

 

7. Many dating and relationship situations don't work out. What's your strategy if it doesn't work out. Be prepared for no contact. Be prepared to walk. How you deal with the breakup is as important as how to deal with the dating and relationship.

 

8. Always keep focused on having a great and wonderful life besides your relationship. It will keep your relationship strong. If you are strong, you're better prepared to deal with the issues as they appear.

I agree with most of what you said. But I think you're going to have to plan to do the pursuing. Many woman won't put themselves in that role, and you may lose out on some good relationships if you are thinking she's going to pursue you, or that she's not interested if she doesn't. I agree with the part about don't smother her with compliments, presents, etc. But you should give her some, if you want to romance her, and make her feel special to you. Just don't overdo it, or you will seem desperate and pushy. I definately agree with #6. Trying to force commitment too soon reeks of desperation.

[thatone]

i disagree on 2 and 6 in context.

 

you want successful relationships? you'll find that they are equal, the attraction is equal, the effort is equal, and the honest communication is equal. what do you think a woman would say a month into the two of you dating if you told her you were not going to see her on a particular weekend because you had another date? she would drop you like a bad habit.

 

so why would you allow women to do the same thing to you? the only way to do that is to lie about it. if you're lying to each other about such things when you just met, you'll justify lying about other things later.

 

if you meet a woman you think is relationship material you are not going to schedule two more dates the following week. nor will she if she's that attracted to you. if she does, that IS a red flag.

 

here's the thing, we are a very narcissistic society, and getting moreso as the generations go by. don't help that cause. there is no reason you have to allow women to do what you wouldn't do to them. women who do so are NOT relationship material and should be avoided.

 

and the common thing you'll notice about all of the women who disagree with the above is that they're single.

Edited August 30, 2011 by thatone

[betterdeal]

Good list - nice and balanced.

 

Sometimes people aren't ready for a relationship and maybe have some loose ends to tie up. In which case, let them know you understand they have things to sort out, it happens, and suggest they get in touch with you when they've sorted them out.

[zengirl]

if you meet a woman you think is relationship material you are not going to schedule two more dates the following week. nor will she if she's that attracted to you. if she does, that IS a red flag.

 

here's the thing, we are a very narcissistic society, and getting moreso as the generations go by. don't help that cause. there is no reason you have to allow women to do what you wouldn't do to them. women who do so are NOT relationship material and should be avoided.

 

and the common thing you'll notice about all of the women who disagree with the above is that they're single.

 

I agree on the equal partnership stuff, but I don't see anything wrong with early-stage multi-dating pre-sex and such (first few dates till you know someone).

 

I also don't agree that the generations are getting more narcissistic. I'd say the "Me" generation was the worst, and still is, and they were pre-my time. The millenials (their kids) look to be a lot like them, but they're being raised during tougher times, so that helps. That's looking at generational trends as a whole. Dating has, of course, changed, but I think it's merely become more varied than anything else. Anyway, all that stuff is an aside.

 

FTR, I'm not single. And yes, I multi-date in the beginning. The same week I went on Date #1 with my now-BF, I had another date, and he knows about it. He and I didn't really know each other well yet, so why would he care? Once I got to know him and realized it was something, of course I wouldn't set up new dates, but you have to see someone a few times to get to know him/her in some cases. I wouldn't be upset if he'd dated someone in that time as well (he didn't, but he didn't meet anyone he liked then).

 

Now, if it had continued into when we were really dating a lot or to where physicality had advanced, that'd be an issue, but taking things slow is always good.

[TuffCookieX]

I disagree with #3, if a guy isn't pursuing me, he must not be interested.

[grkBoy]

I agree with most of what you said. But I think you're going to have to plan to do the pursuing. Many woman won't put themselves in that role, and you may lose out on some good relationships if you are thinking she's going to pursue you, or that she's not interested if she doesn't. I agree with the part about don't smother her with compliments, presents, etc. But you should give her some, if you want to romance her, and make her feel special to you. Just don't overdo it, or you will seem desperate and pushy.

 

I more or less took the point as just to be relaxed, and not shower her with attention unless you see a little in return.

 

It's like when people tell me not to make someone a priority when you're only an option to them. Man or woman, they should show interest, but not be hardcore desperately trying to make this person like them in return.

 

I think we're all on the same page, just different wording.

 

 

what do you think a woman would say a month into the two of you dating if you told her you were not going to see her on a particular weekend because you had another date? she would drop you like a bad habit.

 

I agree. Man or woman, one should decide if the person is worth focusing on after 1-3 dates. I personally won't even sleep with a woman unless I fathom a commitment with her.

 

We should accept in the INITIAL STAGES that when the two are just "talking" or "seeing each other" that they're not exclusive, but I think after three dates at the most, the two should decide amongst themselves if they want to keep this going on a more exclusive level or friendzone it all and move on to new people.

[thatone]

I agree on the equal partnership stuff, but I don't see anything wrong with early-stage multi-dating pre-sex and such (first few dates till you know someone).

 

I also don't agree that the generations are getting more narcissistic. I'd say the "Me" generation was the worst, and still is, and they were pre-my time. The millenials (their kids) look to be a lot like them, but they're being raised during tougher times, so that helps. That's looking at generational trends as a whole. Dating has, of course, changed, but I think it's merely become more varied than anything else. Anyway, all that stuff is an aside.

 

FTR, I'm not single. And yes, I multi-date in the beginning. The same week I went on Date #1 with my now-BF, I had another date, and he knows about it. He and I didn't really know each other well yet, so why would he care? Once I got to know him and realized it was something, of course I wouldn't set up new dates, but you have to see someone a few times to get to know him/her in some cases. I wouldn't be upset if he'd dated someone in that time as well (he didn't, but he didn't meet anyone he liked then).

 

Now, if it had continued into when we were really dating a lot or to where physicality had advanced, that'd be an issue, but taking things slow is always good.

 

yeah but those lines get blurred. i see all the time on here people talking about asking about exclusivity after a month or six weeks and getting replies to the effect of "he/she may be dating other people".

 

that's bs. no one should put up with that. or if that's what they want they should be honest about it up front, not the other way around. one is the societal norm, one isn't.

[zengirl]

yeah but those lines get blurred. i see all the time on here people talking about asking about exclusivity after a month or six weeks and getting replies to the effect of "he/she may be dating other people".

 

that's bs. no one should put up with that. or if that's what they want they should be honest about it up front, not the other way around. one is the societal norm, one isn't.

 

I would say the societal norm is not being exclusive until the relationship shows potential to be serious, whatever that means to you. Not being exclusive immediately, for sure. That to me, is very much a modern concept. Back in the day, people had multiple "callers" and they socialized with many people until they saw someone they wanted to court specifically. I'm not saying I want to return to those days, but people often call themselves old-fashioned when they're against multi-dating, and I find that ironic: multi-dating (without sex) is pretty old-fashioned! Exclusivity should happen as a relationship intensifies, in my view, and that's the societal norm I see: not expecting exclusivity from Date 1, without any discussion. I'd never consider that a norm.

 

And communication is a two way street. If you want to know someone's intentions, why not just ask? I'd say that to men or women! Good people wouldn't be bothered when you ask about their intentions (assuming you don't do it in some weird, confrontational way).

[betterdeal]

multi-dating (without sex) is pretty old-fashioned

 

Nonsense. They called it "courting" but they were banging in the alley on they way home since the beginning of time. Look up the history of the engagement ring.

 

Men and women have sex. It's what we do. That's how we exist. Generations upon generations of f*ckers are what led to our existence.

[bluenightowl]

I more or less took the point as just to be relaxed, and not shower her with attention unless you see a little in return.

 

It's like when people tell me not to make someone a priority when you're only an option to them. Man or woman, they should show interest, but not be hardcore desperately trying to make this person like them in return.

 

I think we're all on the same page, just different wording.

 

Yes, this is what was meant more or less. Note also it was said "Let her chase you too." Not Let her chase you only. It goes a bit to the equality statement of thatone. If you smother her, she is more likely to feel she has you wrapped around her finger and thus becomes less attracted to you and there will be no need for her to show much interest in you at all.

 

But its that giving her space to chase or show interest in you that can be light and fun and gets people excited on both sides.

[bluenightowl]

Nonsense. They called it "courting" but they were banging in the alley on they way home since the beginning of time. Look up the history of the engagement ring.

 

Men and women have sex. It's what we do. That's how we exist. Generations upon generations of f*ckers are what led to our existence.

 

Its true, but before the pill, I think women esp. had to be very careful about having sex with someone. Getting pregnant out of wedlock was a bit deal, during the times when religion was very powerful and social stigmas made people be more careful. Even in the 1950's in U.S. it was a big deal, but sure people still had sex.

[betterdeal]

I blame cinema and it's fairy tale depiction of life, love and sex.

 

Funnily enough, Breakfast at Tiffany's is on the telly right now, and that has a runaway second wife who married at 14, banged her estranged husband and is now getting pissed at a strip club with the FWB neighbour in it. I never knew.

[zengirl]

Nonsense. They called it "courting" but they were banging in the alley on they way home since the beginning of time. Look up the history of the engagement ring.

 

Men and women have sex. It's what we do. That's how we exist. Generations upon generations of f*ckers are what led to our existence.

 

Well, some were banging in alleys, but a lot of the high bred folks couldn't get away with that crap. Chaperones and the like---they were rarely, if ever, alone with a fella before marriage. Depends on the time frame, of course. The Romans loved to screw.

[betterdeal]

Well, some were banging in alleys, but a lot of the high bred folks couldn't get away with that crap. Chaperones and the like---they were rarely, if ever, alone with a fella before marriage. Depends on the time frame, of course. The Romans loved to screw.

 

Ha! The poshos were at it all the time. "Courtly love" they called it in royal circles. Why have chaperones if they weren't?

 

I've just read on another thread that Sir Walter Raleigh got one of Queen Elizabeth's servants pregnant and she had them both thrown in the tower for it. Hell hath no fury...

 

And there's NO WAY Prince Andrew has the same father as Prince Charles. Just look at them! Oh, and Charles, and Di, and Andrew, and Sarah, all banging someone else whilst married. So long as the first born carries the blood line, they really don't care. It's just sex.

 

American troops stationed in Britain during WW2 were described as "over paid, over sexed and over here".

 

A sizeable minority of fathers are raising children of other men without being aware of it.

 

History is littered with examples.

[zengirl]

I was thinking of some American circles. Tudor and Elizabethan England also had plenty of sex, sure. I know a lot about pre-Civil War South, and those women probably didn't have as much chance to get laid. As I said, depends on the period.

[betterdeal]

I was thinking of some American circles. Tudor and Elizabethan England also had plenty of sex, sure. I know a lot about pre-Civil War South, and those women probably didn't have as much chance to get laid. As I said, depends on the period.

 

Yeah, granted, there's been peaks and troughs. I imagine the scarcity of women in that period made them more valuable. Even so, prostitution and inter-racial sex were rife.

 

But I'm derailing what was a lovely thread idea. My apologies.

[bluenightowl]

Ha! The poshos were at it all the time. "Courtly love" they called it in royal circles. Why have chaperones if they weren't?

 

I've just read on another thread that Sir Walter Raleigh got one of Queen Elizabeth's servants pregnant and she had them both thrown in the tower for it. Hell hath no fury...

 

And there's NO WAY Prince Andrew has the same father as Prince Charles. Just look at them! Oh, and Charles, and Di, and Andrew, and Sarah, all banging someone else whilst married. So long as the first born carries the blood line, they really don't care. It's just sex.

 

American troops stationed in Britain during WW2 were described as "over paid, over sexed and over here".

 

A sizeable minority of fathers are raising children of other men without being aware of it.

 

History is littered with examples.

 

This might be all true, not to mention all the brothels that formed in Europe and Asia because of wars and military men seeking sex.

 

But what we are talking about here what makes for the basis of a Long Term Relationship strategy for men (possibly this applies to woman as well), not how men and woman like to have sex and will cheat on each other. I don't think we need to throw in the towel (or throw off the towel ) too soon and say people will just be people.

[betterdeal]

Point taken.

 

Anyone out of their teens needs to take risks, accept failure is feedback, and enjoy the to and fro that a relationship is. Aiming for a perfect start makes life harder for yourself. Importantly, learning to follow your impulses just the right amount is key.

[bluenightowl]

i disagree on 2 and 6 in context.

 

what do you think a woman would say a month into the two of you dating if you told her you were not going to see her on a particular weekend because you had another date? she would drop you like a bad habit.

 

so why would you allow women to do the same thing to you?

 

if you meet a woman you think is relationship material you are not going to schedule two more dates the following week. nor will she if she's that attracted to you. if she does, that IS a red flag.

 

and the common thing you'll notice about all of the women who disagree with the above is that they're single.

 

The thing is sometimes you can't tell if someone is relationship material from the first date. It might take a few dates just to get to know someone. Some people want to take a lot of time. I wouldn't have a problem if I went for a coffee with someone and she then went out on another date. What's the big deal? I might know her for all of 2 hours. I'm not going to see it as a red flag or be devastated if she goes on another date and I doubt she would be bothered as well.

 

This is why I suggested 1-3 dates, but I'm leaning towards the 3 dates personally and I think some people would take more time, but based on what I'm reading after 4 dates, I think you do start to get an idea if this person is worth dating and might want to focus on one person.

 

As for a month of dating, I think that depends how many dates you have been on and how long you spend time together. I suggested somewhere around 4-8 dates you might want to nudge things a bit and start to communicate if you are dating anyone else.. and depending on how heated things start to get. There is whole thread about the word exclusive, so I avoided that word altogether.

 

The wild card is sex. I think sex changes the game and so based on what I've read, people seem to suggest holding off on sex until you feel really comfortable with the person and esp. for those who only want to date one person at a time and have sex. I didn't suggest when to have sex because it really depends, but I feel communication is the key.

 

All I know is whenever I start having sex, I want to feel comfortable enough to talk about it before or right after sex, and based on that communication might decide to not date again or continue if I was thrown a red flag.

[bluenightowl]

Point taken.

 

Anyone out of their teens needs to take risks, accept failure is feedback, and enjoy the to and fro that a relationship is. Aiming for a perfect start makes life harder for yourself. Importantly, learning to follow your impulses just the right amount is key.

 

Yes indeed. These are just general ideas I've found from viewing these forums. Everyone needs to discover and experiment themselves, but I do think I would have saved some heartache had I learned from others sooner.

 

I think AHardsDaysNight added pointed 9.

 

"9. Don't put too much self worth on the outcome. This will lead to failure."

 

I would reword it to be:

 

9. Don't put too much self worth on the outcome. Always use these experiences to learn about dating and most importantly YOURSELF, your boundaries and dating style.