chelle21689 Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 My boyfriend is really awesome. He is adventurous and knows how to do a lot of things so he teaches me new things and showed me a different side to life. Not only that but he is handsome, funny, trustworthy, sweet, and considerate. He makes me happy. The only con is we don't usually have deep conversations about things. We are able to talk about every subject...we talk for 1-2 hours on the phone a couple times a week. We talk about everything but it doesn't really turn into a discussion if you know what I mean. He can talk a lot about the things he is knowledgeable in like working out and cars. But when it comes to perspective and opinions on how he feels about certain things he doesn't seem like he put much thought into when he gives me his opinion. I feel like I have to ask him questions to dig deep and help him by giving him different answers as examples. Examples of discussions that last like 3 minutes lol Me: Jane Doe sees John and then goes to see Ben like she flip flops. They both want her to be their girlfriend but she doesn't choose even though it's been a year. Both don't know about each other but they both know they aren't exclusive with her for sure. How would you feel if you were John or Ben? Him: Hmm.....I wouldn't like it because it doesn't feel right. Me: Why would it feel right if you aren't committed? Him: Because I like one person and don't want to deal with headache. At this statement it kind of ends and that's a really short discussion. I would add on to the conversation to continue and say Me: Well one reason Jane Doe doesn't want Ben is because he is 3 years younger and they aren't on the same page. What's the oldest woman you'd date? Him: Hm...well it'd have to be a connection thing to tell really. Me: What is a connection to you? Him: You just feel it and you get happy around them. (silence) Him: Actually I did get a girl's number one time when I was 20 and she was 28. Me: What happened with the girl? Him: We just became friends. Me: Why not? Him: I guess cuz we didn't talk a lot. End conversation and on to the next subject that is short. We tend to cover all kinds of subjects but it doesn't last more than 3 minutes.
serial muse Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 My boyfriend is really awesome. He is adventurous and knows how to do a lot of things so he teaches me new things and showed me a different side to life. Not only that but he is handsome, funny, trustworthy, sweet, and considerate. He makes me happy. The only con is we don't usually have deep conversations about things. We are able to talk about every subject...we talk for 1-2 hours on the phone a couple times a week. We talk about everything but it doesn't really turn into a discussion if you know what I mean. He can talk a lot about the things he is knowledgeable in like working out and cars. But when it comes to perspective and opinions on how he feels about certain things he doesn't seem like he put much thought into when he gives me his opinion. I feel like I have to ask him questions to dig deep and help him by giving him different answers as examples. Examples of discussions that last like 3 minutes lol Me: Jane Doe sees John and then goes to see Ben like she flip flops. They both want her to be their girlfriend but she doesn't choose even though it's been a year. Both don't know about each other but they both know they aren't exclusive with her for sure. How would you feel if you were John or Ben? Him: Hmm.....I wouldn't like it because it doesn't feel right. Me: Why would it feel right if you aren't committed? Him: Because I like one person and don't want to deal with headache. At this statement it kind of ends and that's a really short discussion. I would add on to the conversation to continue and say Me: Well one reason Jane Doe doesn't want Ben is because he is 3 years younger and they aren't on the same page. What's the oldest woman you'd date? Him: Hm...well it'd have to be a connection thing to tell really. Me: What is a connection to you? Him: You just feel it and you get happy around them. (silence) Him: Actually I did get a girl's number one time when I was 20 and she was 28. Me: What happened with the girl? Him: We just became friends. Me: Why not? Him: I guess cuz we didn't talk a lot. End conversation and on to the next subject that is short. We tend to cover all kinds of subjects but it doesn't last more than 3 minutes. Hm...well, when I read the first part of your post, I thought you were saying you wanted to have discussions about philosophy or books or something...but these questions you asked him are a lot tougher, in a way, because they could be seen as a test about how he sees relationships, you, if he's thinking about older women, etc. etc. I'm not saying you are testing him. But these topics could be minefields, and it may just be that he's wary. That said, I actually thought he gave decent answers. Maybe another way to engage him more fully in a deeper discussion is to let him choose the topic. In other words, if he introduces a topic, that's a clear sign he's interested in it...so it's an opportunity to create a "safe" atmosphere to talk more openly about something. Hard to give an example without knowing more about his interests...does he ever introduce topics?
Author chelle21689 Posted August 29, 2011 Author Posted August 29, 2011 Yeah he introduces topics but more so things he really likes. I'm interested in everything so it's not hard for me to be curious about something. I like to learn. He talks about cars, working out, snowboarding, break dancing martial arts, and basically anything that has to do with being adventurous. Even though he isn't super chatty he does talk and he is able to teach me many new things and show me how to "live life". He is smart though...he knows how to do things easily and learns very quick. He adapts to situations/activities fast. Back then he used to be super quiet but we have been a lot more comfortable around each other where he randomly brings up a thought which I do like. So you really thought his answers were good? How would you have continued the discussion though? Is this not considered deeper conversation to you? When I say deep I mean to dig deeper into a topic.
serial muse Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 Yeah he introduces topics but more so things he really likes. I'm interested in everything so it's not hard for me to be curious about something. I like to learn. He talks about cars, working out, snowboarding, break dancing martial arts, and basically anything that has to do with being adventurous. Even though he isn't super chatty he does talk and he is able to teach me many new things and show me how to "live life". He is smart though...he knows how to do things easily and learns very quick. He adapts to situations/activities fast. Back then he used to be super quiet but we have been a lot more comfortable around each other where he randomly brings up a thought which I do like. So you really thought his answers were good? How would you have continued the discussion though? Is this not considered deeper conversation to you? When I say deep I mean to dig deeper into a topic. I thought his answers were very good in the diplomatic sense. He didn't say something he'll regret. It does seem like that's not the type of topic that'll get him to elaborate, though...so I think I'd take the hint that that's not a topic he feels like expanding on. Instead, you could change the subject to something else (assuming the goal is just to get him to speak more expansively; if what you really want is to know more about what he thinks about those relationship questions, that's a different matter). Some people just take longer to feel safe opening up and talking open-endedly; and a lot of it I guess is listening to what he does say and trying to expand on that. But it sounds like there's at least a positive trend in the direction of deeper discussion in your relationship - that's a very good thing. I was going to give some suggestions, but everything I came up with sounded idiotic. I'm sorry. Maybe someone else will have better ideas.
madjac74 Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 Yeah he introduces topics but more so things he really likes. I'm interested in everything so it's not hard for me to be curious about something. I like to learn. He talks about cars, working out, snowboarding, break dancing martial arts, and basically anything that has to do with being adventurous. Even though he isn't super chatty he does talk and he is able to teach me many new things and show me how to "live life". He is smart though...he knows how to do things easily and learns very quick. He adapts to situations/activities fast. Back then he used to be super quiet but we have been a lot more comfortable around each other where he randomly brings up a thought which I do like. So you really thought his answers were good? How would you have continued the discussion though? Is this not considered deeper conversation to you? When I say deep I mean to dig deeper into a topic. My GF and I had a whole day deep text convo about the Smurfs. So maybe keep things fun! It's great that you want a deep conversation with your man but don't always make it so serious. Even if we are discussing something serious like a friends relationship, we like to keep our humor in it by poking fun at them. I can honestly see why he lost interest in that conversation. It was all too serious and he probably felt like he was being grilled for answers.
Author chelle21689 Posted August 29, 2011 Author Posted August 29, 2011 Haha, I love deep conversations about random topics that you wouldn't even think you'd be capable of having as simple as smurfs! Serial muse, it isn't the topic that I gave as an example that's the problem. With ANY topic, it's usually how it goes. I have to ask questions to dig deep because he elaborates only with a sentence or two. Very rarely does he ramble...when he does I'm impressed. It's very rare that I sit and listen to what he says.
Pierre Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 Maybe you need a BF that has graduated from college.
Author chelle21689 Posted August 29, 2011 Author Posted August 29, 2011 College doesn't have to do with deeper conversation.
madjac74 Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 College doesn't have to do with deeper conversation. No it certainly doesnt! My GF is going for her PHD and I have a measly associates degree and work a labor job and we have some amazing conversations about everything.
Pierre Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 College doesn't have to do with deeper conversation. Hmm Define deep conversation. Perhaps the term deep has different meaning to other folks. What is your favorite topic of conversation? For me deep is to get down to the nitty gritty as to what causes what. It may be a psych issue, a physics problem, philosophy, or why people do what they do in relationships. It could also include nothing more than interesting daily events or even movies that are worth seeing because they offer educational or entertaining value. The list is endless!
Author chelle21689 Posted August 29, 2011 Author Posted August 29, 2011 Pierre...yeah I like to talk about things like "Why do you think the way things are?" and what causes that. But we seem to keep it very surfaced.
Pierre Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 No it certainly doesnt! My GF is going for her PHD and I have a measly associates degree and work a labor job and we have some amazing conversations about everything. Nothing wrong with self-education. Sometimes way better than a PhD. I think the OP is frustrated with monosyllables. Maybe it has nothing to do with education.
Bridgey Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 Haha, I love deep conversations about random topics that you wouldn't even think you'd be capable of having as simple as smurfs! Serial muse, it isn't the topic that I gave as an example that's the problem. With ANY topic, it's usually how it goes. I have to ask questions to dig deep because he elaborates only with a sentence or two. Very rarely does he ramble...when he does I'm impressed. It's very rare that I sit and listen to what he says. If this is a problem you have with most of your conversation topics then it may just be the way he is. Some people don't like rambling on about topics. This is a concern you've brought up many times in previous threads so I assume it bothers you pretty badly. You can either try to let it go or request that he try to expand on topics more often. Let him know it is important to you.
Author chelle21689 Posted August 29, 2011 Author Posted August 29, 2011 I didn't think about it but every time someone online mentions how important it is in a relationship it makes me think... You really think talking about it with him would make him try a little?
dasein Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 BF is a wise man for avoiding these types of conversations. Having these types of conversations with women is generally a no-win for the guy and he has learned this well at some point in his life. Good for him, and for you also if you think about it.
madjac74 Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 I didn't think about it but every time someone online mentions how important it is in a relationship it makes me think... You really think talking about it with him would make him try a little? No it might annoy him and make him regress. He will feel too pressured to do what you want and if he's not capable then it will just frustrate him and make him resent you.
Bridgey Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 I didn't think about it but every time someone online mentions how important it is in a relationship it makes me think... You really think talking about it with him would make him try a little? I think accepting his conversation style is the better option, but if you can't get over it and you feel the relationship if troubled by it then you can try talking to him. But as madjac said it might make him feel pressured and annoyed. In relationships you pick your battles, this may not be the best one to try to fight.
Author chelle21689 Posted August 29, 2011 Author Posted August 29, 2011 I thought I was accepting it because I wasn't thinking about it. But everyone says that deep intellectual conversation is important in a relationship.
Bridgey Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 I thought I was accepting it because I wasn't thinking about it. But everyone says that deep intellectual conversation is important in a relationship. To some people it is important, to others it's not. You have to decide whether or not your boyfriend's conversation style is a dealbreaker. If you feel it really isn't that big of a deal in the grand scheme of the relationship then don't give it any more thought
madjac74 Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 I thought I was accepting it because I wasn't thinking about it. But everyone says that deep intellectual conversation is important in a relationship. Not for everyone. Some relationships are purely physical. I'm in an LDR and our communication is holding us together
SillyS Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 I thought I was accepting it because I wasn't thinking about it. But everyone says that deep intellectual conversation is important in a relationship. You just gotta know what your guys interests are, because that's the one of my favorite things in the world. Seeing the look in guys eyes when they are talking about something they are really passionate about. I have never cared about computers, Canadian hockey or the training of puppies. But I didn't mind engaging in conversations and getting to know the things he loved, because those things bring more conversation out of him. Plus if you engage more that way, then you will find out why they love what they love and learn more about them as a person. If you want deep conversations, then you go look for them by taking him into mind. If you want to talk about relationship scenarios, bring a few girlfriends together and feed them margaritas and then you shall. Cater to your crowd, men will talk to you about your relationship but hardly ever talk about ones that are outside of that or bring deep conversation to those talks. No one wants to get in trouble for something they didn't even do!
dasein Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 I thought I was accepting it because I wasn't thinking about it. But everyone says that deep intellectual conversation is important in a relationship. Nothing you have posted is a topic for deep intellectual conversations, but rather testy types of relationship issues. If you want to try for more depth in your conversations, make sure the topic doesn't even remotely bear on the relationship or any preferences of his that may turn you off. Have seen several threads here where some guy says something half seriously in answer to a completely off the wall hypothetical and the GF is thinking of breaking up with him merely because he answered some crazy metaphysical question the wrong way. "Honey, if you had to cut off either my arm or my leg, which would you cut off?" "Well if I didn't have a choice probably your arm." "YOU WOULD CUT OFF MY ARM?!? YOU A-HOLE!!" (runs into the bedroom crying and locks him out) Comes on LS later and posts "My BF said he would cut off my arm if he had no choice!?! I am deeply shocked, and don't want to be with him any more because of this, certainly don't want him touching me ever again with those disgusting arm-chopper hands. Am I overreacting?"
Author chelle21689 Posted August 29, 2011 Author Posted August 29, 2011 Deep is a different meaning to different people. When I say deep I just mean to dig deep on a conversation topic and not just brush the surface. Again, the example I posted was not a typical topic I bring up but an example of how he responds and talks in conversation..........
Author chelle21689 Posted August 29, 2011 Author Posted August 29, 2011 So are you saying any topic can be considered deep and stimulating..for example computers like you say.
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