Angry! Ex called and I was stupid enough to pick up the phone

[Arikel]

After dumping my ex 3 weeks ago, I have been maintaining NC. Total silence. No emails, no texts, no calls. I have been healing well, I didn't think of him, I've met some new people, and maybe a potential or two. Although to be quite frank I don't think I'm ready to start investing in a new relationship quite yet, its nice to know there are people out there who ARE interested in me as gf. I've been quite careful not to lead anyone on though.

 

So, last Friday, the POS ex calls, and I, thinking I might as well be polite, decide to answer the call. He starts off a little awkward, asks a few questions about my life, I reply that I'm doing quite fine. And I honestly sound fine, I'm not breaking into tears or anything. I keep a neutral distance.

 

Then he talks about the breakup and how wrong I was, that he WASNT cheating on me, he wasn't serious about her, she wasn't serious and was never going to come over here (he bought her tickets to come here, and told me that he would be away that week), and that the ticket I saw was just a 'dare' he was playing on her. Well, I replied its not my problem she screwed him over by not coming. His intention was for her to come for a f***, and he got me out of the way for the week.

 

When I told him I can never trust him, he swears he can prove that his intentions were never for her to come over, and he has a refund for the ticket (Low cost carriers DO NOT GIVE refunds, duh). He comes as close to begging as I have ever heard from him for a second (third!!!) chance. He agrees for to give me all his pw's, but won't give them over the phone. He wants me to go over and we will go through all his emails together, and he can explain. And oh, his back is f***ed, he hurt himself. Maybe God is punishing him. He wants my help to straighten himself out... He insists he can explain about the girl he planned to fly over.

 

I thought he was crying a little bit, thinking back .. he probably was slurring because he was drunk.

 

Anyway I don't go over because its late and I need to think. I tell him to call me tomorrow.

 

Next morning, he calls me. Same thing. Back is f'ed. He's in a lot of pain. He can't move. Maybe God IS punishing him. I feel sorry for him, but I am going out, and he's waiting for the dr. He will call me when the dr is done. So I run my errands, and txt him asking how he is, and if he wants to talk. He says he does, but the receipts he has to show me are in the office and he can't walk, but he got meds and a jab, so he should be ok soon. Ok, so I reply that his receipts are in his email. If they aren't then the talk has to wait until he can walk, and I won't be going over until he's ready to show me everything. He still insists he can prove me wrong about the girl.

 

Sunday, silence. I don't bother txting.But I see him on the dating websites. Guess he's feeling better and bored.

 

Monday .. I'm guessing he went to work. After work .. silence, but I see him AGAIN on the dating websites. Probably continuing his lies and fantasies .. he sees me online and logs off, but no word from him.

 

I am SO angry right now. I can't believe I felt sorry he was hurting and wanted to go over to comfort him. I'm glad I was strong enough to resist that and didn't!! Because I know he's still lying, and he's trying to make me believe his lies, even though I know the truth, and he knows I've seen the truth in his email ... I'm guessing he just wanted me to go over so he could just lie to me and gain my sympathies, and then hope that I would forget about seeing the 'receipts' and 'proof' of his innocence.

 

I'm just so pissed that I felt sorry for him. I know this man will be alone for the rest of his life because he cannot stop his lying (about everything, I won't go into too much detail) and that he will die alone. And the sad thing is, he will never understand why he is alone, he will always believe he is 'happy' because thats what he tells himself so often.

 

And yet in the moments of weakness, or when he's drunk, thats when the fog clears and he sees himself clearly. When he's drunk he lacks the self conviction to believe his own delusions and breaks down. Then when he sobers up .. the illusions are all back in place.

 

I guess thats his life. I'm just angry at myself for feeling sorry for him and nearly giving in and going to see him. I'm glad I didn't and I'm going to maintain NC.

Edited September 1, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Arikel]

Long post, I know but this board is the only place I can vent. Its hard to talk about these things to my friends, and its hard to admit that I was considering forgiving a man who has cheated on me before, and was planning to cheat again.

 

I must be pretty stupid

Smack me and give me strength to just keep moving on.

[kimnjj]

You hopped off his one stop train to **** town ! I know it is hard to think that you were doing so good and his true self came staring you back in the face once again.

 

It is like taking 2 steps forward and 4 back...why ?? because you already knew he was the POS he is. You decided to rethink that hey , maybe people change ... They don't.

 

Had the same situation ( a little more drama added into it ) . Dumped the now ex POS and found his email wide open the same day. Pictures of a girl and an email to a friend stating he was heartbroken . That after 2 whole dates. He had lied to me . He tried to cover his ass well , but well a leopard doesn't change it's spots. Every excuse in the book .

 

Run from him , run. So you had a set back. Luckily you did not fall for his round 2. Give yourself a giant pat on the back for that and pray for the next stupid girl who falls into his trap.

 

Good luck.

[Arikel]

Thanks for your encouragement and sharing your experience Kimnjj, you are right. I'm lucky I didn't fall for his bs again. You're right, people don't change. He would have gone on hurting me for the rest of my life if I let him.

 

Well, im going to my parents place for a few days. That should clear my mind up.

[Arikel]

Its been a really rough week. I didn't realize breaking NC had such bad repercussions. It was only a simple conversation, but f*** he's pulled my strings bad. I have been struggling not to pick up the phone to call or text.

 

I was doing so well, and now I'm just depressed and so demotivated. I'm not interested in anyone emailing/txting/chatting to me, I don't feel like meeting anyone new at all.

 

Thank goodness for Loveshack .. its a great motivator to stay NC. I just wish I could move on again

[Arikel]

And I think what sucks the most is that I'm not keeping NC because I want to like before, but I'm maintaining NC because I'm so afraid to call.. Even though I want to, I'm just so afraid because I know that he will hurt me.

 

I've never been afraid of being burned before, I've always leapt in headfirst when I think something is right, or if I really want to do something, regardless of the consequence.

 

This fear is killing me too

[silly_panda]

Stick to NC... As a guy, I really feel that your ex really need to do some soul searching and really need to fix himself...

 

I feel that you are really a great girl cause you still care and worried about him after all he had did to you... Forget about him... You are wayyyy better off without him...

 

Give your love to someone who is willing to give their love for you...

[Beachgirl8]

Stay NC. Under no circumstances should you have any interaction with him. This guy is pathetic and has no idea what he wants. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Don't bring yourself any more pain by speaking with him- you are in enough turmoil already. Don't let him confuse what you know in your heart you need to do--- move on. Any form of contact with him will only prolong your misery.

I'd go as far as to block him on the dating website if you can, delete anything that will remind you of him and trigger you to want contact.

I'm not trying to be harsh, this is the same advice I am giving myself. It's so hard- but it's much much harder to heal if you keep picking off the scab.

[Arikel]

Thanks Panda and Beachgirl. You are right.

 

And Beachgirl, thanks!, I need to block him and stop looking at when he is online. Thats definitely a trigger there thats stopping me from moving on. Sometimes, we need people to point out the obvious before we realize what it is we are doing!

[Arikel]

I'm glad to say I've maintained NC (thanks to Loveshack!). Its been hard and I've been really depressed lately. I wrote an email to my ex, I'm not sure why. To tell him no thanks to him wanting to reconcile? (was a lie anyway). To attack him? Or to simply remind myself why this person is a truly awful person.

I don't know if I will send it. Part of me wants to, the other part is like, whatever for? He won't get it anyway

 

Ever since you called me and made me worry about your back I've been thinking about us. I honestly thought you wanted me back and wanted to try again, and I thought about it and about giving us another chance.

 

But thinking things over the past week, I realized that

 

1) When you called, you were either drunk, or in a panic attack. You were not sincere after all.

2) You still lied about J D. You won't admit your guilt and try to make amends. I'm still waiting for the 'proof' you have that I am wrong about her.

3) You never apologized for hurting me. You only gave excuses for all chatting, flirting, and emotional affairs with all those girls, and your attempt to physically cheat. Just because J D didn't show up doesnt change the fact you bought her tickets and got me out of the way for the duration she was supposed to be here.

4) You never apologized or took responsibility. You blamed everyone else, including your daughter and her mother for creating the profile for you. What kind of adult would let their daughter be on an adult dating website?

5) You are online a lot on the website that your daughter supposedly created for you without your permission.

6) What kind of parent blames their kids for their wrongdoing? How can you not protect your daughter and leave her out of your horrible addiction to lying? How can you lay the blame at her feet with not a drop of remorse or guilt? You have no idea how repulsive that is. I hope she never finds out how you use her as a scapegoat and as an excuse for your lies. Parents are supposed to teach and protect their children, not use them.

7) You wanted me to 'help you'. But you never attempted to help yourself. You lie and deny your addiction to emotional affairs. You pretend its harmless flirting and chat, but you keep attempting to cross the boundaries and bring it over into real life by inviting them over, or going over for a ****.

But it is an addiction. It's destroyed your relationships, and caused hurt to so many people, and you still pretend that its alright to do it. If it weren't an addiction, you would be open and honest about it. You are ashamed of your habit, and you know it ruins any real relationship you could have. You simply cannot stop. You can only try to justify it. You're addicted.

8) What did I get out of this relationship with you besides heartbreak, insecurity, doubt, and a world of pain? You made me second guess myself, you made me never able to feel comfortable when you travel, you made me insecure when I'm not watching you. I know myself and I am not insecure, I've been in long distance relationships when I've totally trusted my partners. You're the only one I can't trust. You have betrayed my trust too many times. Every time you betrayed me I forgave you and moved forward. But you couldn't. You keep repeating your behaviour.

9) You only love yourself. You don't love me. If you love someone, you could never knowingly hurt them. But you hurt me, over and over, and never feel any guilt for it.

You use your daughter as your excuse and blame her for your lies. If I had believed you, I would have resented her because I thought she caused all the trouble you blamed her for, that would have hurt her. And you would have been the cause of that hurt.

10) You tried to manipulate me. You tried to play on my symphathy that you hurt your back, and wanted me to go over and see you without you having to show me how I was wrong about J D.

 

I forgave you before because I believe even good people can make bad choices. The difference is that a bad person keeps making bad choices. You keep making bad choices. Thats why I won't be with you anymore, and I will never give us another chance. You can only hurt me more and never be the type of boyfriend/husband/partner that I want in my life

 

Edited September 3, 2011 by Arikel

[Sugarkane]

I've had an ex do a similar thing too. It sux. Best to NC them and don't even answer their messages. Good riddance to rubbish.