Pierre Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 Pierre- Can't it be said "I am not comfortable feeling rushed into a comitted relationship and sex makes me feel that way" without being decietful? I think you can:). However, I don't know if this guy is insecure. If he is insecure he will be hurt and will feel he is not good enough for you. He may also suspect you are seeing someone else.
carhill Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 Most healthy men I know never backpedal on sex. Intimacy is progression rather than regression. If I were faced with such a potential I would immediately entertain other options. However, I would never be in a situation where I had sex 'too early'; a couple months from stranger to sex in minimum for me. If you're going to talk about it, use proactive and positive statements. 'I want xxx' , 'I will do xxx', 'I prefer xxx', etc, etc. 'I want to continue with you and I must confess I made love (had sex, if that's your preference) with you sooner than is customary for me. I'd prefer to build further intimacy before continuing our sexual relationship. How do you feel about that?' That's not advice but an example of how to form a communication.
Author photojane Posted August 29, 2011 Author Posted August 29, 2011 Pierre- Im having a hard time figuring out what your actual advice is?
Pierre Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 Pierre- Im having a hard time figuring out what your actual advice is? You are telling a guy "I don't want to have sex with you anymore, this was way too fast". Many men will assume there is something going on. He may think "he is not a keeper" (rightfully so) or that you are seeing or planning to see someone else (rightfully so). I don't have good advice for this because you have painted yourself in a corner. You want your cake and eat it too. You want to pursue the other guy, but do not want to drop this guy. My advice would be to concentrate on the guy you had sex with and be truthful with him. Give this so-called relationship an opportunity. If you don't think the guy is a keeper then drop him and don't keep him hanging on. Stop seeing this man and go ahead and date the other guy in a pure manner without any sexual or emotional interference from the man you had sex with.
bluenightowl Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 Mitchell- My first thought was "is there going back after having had sex?" but I suppose if a guy was decent enough and interested enough, he would not have a problem with that. Am I right? I do like the sounds of that because I would like to see him still to see just how strong the connection is without muddling it up with sex and the feelings that come out of it. And, that will give me the opportunity to explore, in a non sexual way, things with this other man. I think this is a good plan for me and if he doesn't like it, then he's not for me anyways, right? I like the idea of not having sex and seeing how things go. The problem is you are also saying I want to go out and date other men now. He knows you two had sex a few times so how will that make him feel? If I were him, I would just suggest taking a break for now because its starting to sound complicated and there is a good chance you could meet and begin a relationship with someone else now. In my case I tagged along when she said this exactly and very soon later connected with someone else and I was dropped. As well those dates suddenly became extremely uncomfortable because we almost backtracking. That wasn't fun at all.
bluenightowl Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 Most healthy men I know never backpedal on sex. Intimacy is progression rather than regression. If I were faced with such a potential I would immediately entertain other options. I think carhill is right again.
Eddie Edirol Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 Pierre- Can't it be said "I am not comfortable feeling rushed into a comitted relationship and sex makes me feel that way" without being decietful? No matter which way you do it, if youre not telling him "I had sex with you too fast, so I want to stop until I see how it goes with this new guy.." its all deceitful. I say if youre going to lie to the guy (since you dont want to risk him dropping you before you drop him) just dont see him in person or have sex with him until you have a date with the new guy.
mitchell Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 Mitchell- My first thought was "is there going back after having had sex?" but I suppose if a guy was decent enough and interested enough, he would not have a problem with that. Am I right? I do like the sounds of that because I would like to see him still to see just how strong the connection is without muddling it up with sex and the feelings that come out of it. And, that will give me the opportunity to explore, in a non sexual way, things with this other man. I think this is a good plan for me and if he doesn't like it, then he's not for me anyways, right? If this plan resonates with you, then you should give it a try. If he can't understand your position, then he's not the one for you. My only question is why you had sex with him a second time. Surely you had some regret after your first encounter. What made you make the mistake the second time? Was the sex awesome and mind-blowing, or did you just feel some sense of obligation?
bluenightowl Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 "I do like the sounds of that because I would like to see him still to see just how strong the connection is without muddling it up with sex and the feelings that come out of it. And, that will give me the opportunity to explore, in a non sexual way, things with this other man." The problem with this thinking is that you're not actually making the connection stronger at all. Actually the exact opposite. To me its not a test for him of his connection to you at all. People admire people who stand up to their values. If he dumps you, it might be because he has very strong values and is actually looking for a healthy relationship with someone who doesn't have sex and then date other people.
bluenightowl Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 "see just how strong the connection is without muddling it up with sex and the feelings that come out of it" Also its too late to think about the connection without muddling it up with sex and the feelings that out of it. Its fully muddled, and he might be really liking you since you had sex on multiple occasions, thus confirming to him you really like him.
Pierre Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 "see just how strong the connection is without muddling it up with sex and the feelings that come out of it" Also its too late to think about the connection without muddling it up with sex and the feelings that out of it. Its fully muddled, and he might be really liking you since you had sex on multiple occasions, thus confirming to him you really like him. I read somewhere that some women will have sex on the 1st date if the guy is not a keeper, but a lot of fun. OTOH, if they think the guy is a keeper they do not have sex and wait quite a bit. And then woman can't understand why men are confused.:confused::confused: The losers get sex and the keepers get nothing.:laugh:
bluenightowl Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 I read somewhere that some women will have sex on the 1st date if the guy is not a keeper, but a lot of fun. OTOH, if they think the guy is a keeper they do not have sex and wait quite a bit. And then woman can't understand why men are confused.:confused::confused: The losers get sex and the keepers get nothing.:laugh: I've heard that as well from women. Maybe this is the case here. Sometimes even the person involved (poster here) doesn't know or wants to admit, she is just not into the guy she had sex with, but it was way fun, but now she wants to move on without feeling guilty. I'm sorry if I'm being harsh to the original poster, but I do think sometimes when we are in the middle of things we don't know what is right for wrong. I can tell you the person I was with in exactly the same situation, was in it for the fun, and it hurt because I've never thought of sex that way. So, I've learned how to get sex early, and now I'm backtracking too in the sense that early sex, or sex really means nothing compared to a wonderful loving relationship. That comes first for me, so I avoid early sex with women because I don't trust their intentions either.
musemaj11 Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 (edited) I read somewhere that some women will have sex on the 1st date if the guy is not a keeper, but a lot of fun. OTOH, if they think the guy is a keeper they do not have sex and wait quite a bit. And then woman can't understand why men are confused.:confused::confused: The losers get sex and the keepers get nothing.:laugh: Thats why when it comes to long term commitment, you want a woman who offers more than sex. The issue that you bring up is only an issue for men who only have physical attractiveness as a criterion in judging a potential long term mate. Smart men do like women do. Have little expectation from non-keeper women who offer nothing but hot looks and fun, and expect a lot more expectations from women whom you have long term interest in. One thing most men can learn from women is their pragmatical method in selecting a mate. I for example for nothing but a fling, I only need a woman to be hot. However, for long term commitment I want her to be well-educated, has a good career, is a good cook, has compatible personality, etc. Edited September 2, 2011 by musemaj11
Emilia Posted September 2, 2011 Posted September 2, 2011 I read somewhere that some women will have sex on the 1st date if the guy is not a keeper, but a lot of fun. OTOH, if they think the guy is a keeper they do not have sex and wait quite a bit. And then woman can't understand why men are confused.:confused::confused: The losers get sex and the keepers get nothing.:laugh: It's because if you know you don't want someone for a relationship you have nothing to lose, you don't have to worry about being involved with a guy too fast. You can have sex quickly, it doesn't confuse anything because you are not interested in the man. On the other hand, if I see a man who is LTR material, I want to make sure we are on the same page, I don't want to screw things up by being intimate too soon rather than when we are both ready to progress the potential relationship. Ultimately, they are both just as likely to get sex but in the second case it is likely to be more committed and less confusing because we already get to know each other before turning it up a notch.
musemaj11 Posted September 3, 2011 Posted September 3, 2011 It's because if you know you don't want someone for a relationship you have nothing to lose, you don't have to worry about being involved with a guy too fast. You can have sex quickly, it doesn't confuse anything because you are not interested in the man. On the other hand, if I see a man who is LTR material, I want to make sure we are on the same page, I don't want to screw things up by being intimate too soon rather than when we are both ready to progress the potential relationship. Ultimately, they are both just as likely to get sex but in the second case it is likely to be more committed and less confusing because we already get to know each other before turning it up a notch. You are missing his point. His point is that why go out of your way to treat a woman, court her, treasure her, invest money and time in her in order to get sex and love from her if on the other hand she gives that to other men freely without them having to 'earn' it as well. Its a disrespect. Its like a man you are interested in wont have sex with you unless you have courted him for sometime by taking him to dates, spending money on him and buying gifts for him while you know that with other women he will have sex with them whenever they want without them having to do anything to get sex from him. How would you feel in similar situation? You would feel confused and taken advantage of, wouldnt you? Sometimes you need to try to look from the other pov.
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