photojane Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 I am on line dating. I had a 3 week period of texting/talking to one man inparticular, along with others. This one man and I established a rare connection during this time even having never met. We both agreed that it was a pretty intense connection. Well this past Friday we finally met and really seemed to like each other just as mush, if not more, in person than via text. In a move that I have never done and never thought I would, we had sex that night. The first night we met. I feel pretty odd about that because it's not something I ever thought I would do. The next day he texts me all day long again (our phones for some reason cannot call each other), so I'm not worried about him getting the wrong idea about me and taking off. He came over again last night to watch tv, and we had sex again. I am fine with this. My real issue and problem is that since I always planned on not sleeping with someone until we could commit to each other in a relationship, I feel like I am now thrown into a relationship with this guy I have met twice. I mean, he's terrific and I really like him, but it feels like now that Ive done this, I'm done dating and he's the guy. There is another guy I was about to meet on Sunday, that I was realy excited about too. But after what happened on Friday I cancelled. I still want to meet him, but it feel wrong now that I started a sexual relationship with someone else. I would feel sad and weird if I found out the guy I slept with went on another date, and I think he'd feel upset if he found I did too. This is where I am stuck. We cannot be in a commited relationship after 2 dates. No matter how long we communicated before them and how strong the connection, right? The second man is just so interesting to me that I'd really like to meet him, but now have no idea what to do. I'm totally torn. PLEASE HELP
ThsAmericanLife Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 ahh... the hazards of online dating... the appearance of instant intimacy, leading to pre-mature sex... combined with the appearance of endless options that promotes further questionable choices/actions. You know what your own values are. Stick to them!! This isn't a game of tit-for-tat (no pun intended). If you don't believe in dating multiple people after sex, then DON'T! Um... but then you said you can't possibly be committed after two dates(?) Sure you can be... if those are your values. If not, then you have to be ok with him seeing other people too. I'm sorry you weren't able to have this discussion with him in advance of having sex...
CarrieT Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 I would have still met the second guy. You are talking yourself into what you expect to have happen with the first guy because your oxotocin levels are telling you that you expect to have a bond with the first guy because you've been having sex. Your mind is wanting to bond because of the sex you have had, even though it goes against your usual pattern. Slow down and take a break - see the other guy - and others after that and give yourself a break.
Pierre Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 That is why I am always against sex too soon. The story of the OP is so common. I give the OP credit for having canceled the date with the next man in line. As a man I would not like to date a woman that is actively f****ing another guy. That would be a waste of my time. Furthermore the OP cannot focus on the next guy in line if she is actively f****ing someone else. It would have been very unfair and i applaud the Op for canceling the date. The sad part of the post is that even though there seems to be chemistry between these two they really do not know each other. I think it is weird to have sex with a complete stranger, more so for a female. I hope everything goes well. Nevertheless, many these "too much too soon" relationships tend to burn out very quickly.
Pierre Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 Regarding the question of what does it mean to have sex right away: IMHO, it simply means that a person is risky, impulsive, and seeking validation. It could also mean nothing more than being horny after a long period of celibacy, or immaturity. It could also mean a different cultural mind set where sex in a vacuum is considered normal. It could also mean insecurity and hoping that with sex she can keep the man around. It could also mean that these two are soul mates and they fell in love at first sight, but she is already looking into the next man.
musemaj11 Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 So good to be a woman. You can have the best of both worlds.
Author photojane Posted August 29, 2011 Author Posted August 29, 2011 So the consensus here seems to be that once you sleep with someone, you can or should no longer date anyone else?
Pierre Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 (edited) So the consensus here seems to be that once you sleep with someone, you can or should no longer date anyone else? From my point of view: I think it is unsavory to put my penis in a vagina that was used to please another man the day before. But, that is just my opinion. I also think that if a woman is sleeping with another man she has some emotional investment in that man and I would be wasting my time dating her. Unless I am just looking for sex and do not care about who she is sleeping with. Despite condoms I would be worried about STDs. IF a woman is looking for a steady relationship while dating and she is seeing several other men she is spread too thin and may easy overlook the best man of the pack because she is sexually involved with someone else. Edited August 29, 2011 by Pierre
ThsAmericanLife Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 So the consensus here seems to be that once you sleep with someone, you can or should no longer date anyone else? I think the consensus here is... depends on what you are looking for. My opinion came from what *I'm* looking for...and that is a steady relationship leading to a commitment. Having sex early does not tend to lead to that... and (from observing alot of people here) produces alot of unnecessary hand-wringing and drama. Often on both sides. Other people will be offering advice based on their goals and relationship style. What ARE your goals, exactly?
ThsAmericanLife Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 ... forgot to add... that if you want to have sex with Guy #1 and still see Guy #2 then it is only fair that Guy #1 is allowed to do the same with Girls #2,3,4 or however many he can line up. Is this the kind of arrangment you are looking for? It sounded from your post that you would not be happy with him seeing other women now that you've had sex. So what are you really asking? Is it ok for you to have sex with Guy #1, still see Guy #2, and hope Guy #1 doesn't follow in kind? Because that's not very nice... is it?? As they say... do unto others as you would have done onto you. I'm not a religious person, but it is a pretty good rule most of the time...
bluenightowl Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 So the consensus here seems to be that once you sleep with someone, you can or should no longer date anyone else? I've been in that exact situation. I was the first guy. We had sex too soon in a sense, and she continued to date other people. She wasn't sure what she wanted. On my side, while I knew it was too soon for a relationship, your emotions get all mixed up and you start to think you are well into a relationship and act like you are. What happened in my case, was she backed away from me, feeling pressure, and dated the other guy. I think she felt guilty the whole time or at least you could see these strange reactions. Lets just say its not a great feeling to be the first guy and it messed you head up. I can see your point of view, but also if you can get so into one guy intensely and sexually one week, and want to date another guy the next, are you really ready for a relationship? Are you just out of a LTR? Here's what I would do. Don't date two people at once. Decide to date guy number two, then let go of guy number one. Or just date guy number one. Otherwise you are likely going to end up with a mess and having to lie. If you do date guy number two and decide to keep dating guy number I would tell guy number one. If he is smart he would then move on.
Author photojane Posted August 29, 2011 Author Posted August 29, 2011 My goals are to find someone to spend my life with. I would not sleep with 2 men at the same time either. Sleeping with the first so early on was a mistake that I recognize and will/have learned from.
zengirl Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 Depends on your values and what you want. Personally, I find it unseemly to sleep with one person and still continue dating or sleep with multiple partners at once -- it wouldn't be my style and wouldn't be desirable in a partner. However, I'm not the moral police, and if other people one to swing, have orgies, multi-date and sleep with everyone they go out with, have a FWB while trying to seriously date another person, or whatever. . . I'm not angry about it. I don't know that it's "wrong." That person just wouldn't share my values. I would say my values have always led to being respected and reasonably well-treated and finding many partners who want a relationship with me, so they work for me. But my values and goals might not work for someone else.
carhill Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 OP, if you do wish to date multiple men and/or have sex with multiple men concurrently, own that. It's easy to communicate that, but not in a specific way. E.g. rather than 'I'm dating and having sexual relations with other men', say 'I believe in dating people I find attractive and feel a connection with and don't consider myself to be committed to one person until we've agreed on a monogamous relationship' Since that doesn't appear to be your path, explore the dynamic with the man you had sex with and resolve it exclusive of other potentials. Each of us has a different and unique style. Your style, if you feel healthy about it, is yours. Own it. Hope things work out
Pierre Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 OP, if you do wish to date multiple men and/or have sex with multiple men concurrently, own that. It's easy to communicate that, but not in a specific way. E.g. rather than 'I'm dating and having sexual relations with other men', say 'I believe in dating people I find attractive and feel a connection with and don't consider myself to be committed to one person until we've agreed on a monogamous relationship' Since that doesn't appear to be your path, explore the dynamic with the man you had sex with and resolve it exclusive of other potentials. Each of us has a different and unique style. Your style, if you feel healthy about it, is yours. Own it. Hope things work out There is nothing wrong with what she is doing, but she must let the other men know. From my perspective, I don't think it is useful, but we are all different. If I was one of the guys she is planning to date I would want to know so I don't waste time.
bluenightowl Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 There is nothing wrong with what she is doing, but she must let the other men know. From my perspective, I don't think it is useful, but we are all different. If I was one of the guys she is planning to date I would want to know so I don't waste time. I agree, she is doing nothing wrong. I agree with Pierre and Carhil. What's most important is to simply communicate her dating style. In my case this woman did just that. It bothered me, but it felt better to know what was happening.
Eddie Edirol Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 My goals are to find someone to spend my life with. I would not sleep with 2 men at the same time either. Sleeping with the first so early on was a mistake that I recognize and will/have learned from. Jane, you dont have to stick with the first guy just because you think you HAVE to. You dont actually feel the full connection with the first guy, because its too soon, theres nothing wrong with that. You took care of a carnal urge for sex, the guy didnt use you just for sex, its fine. The second guy might be more interesting than the first. You dont want to commit to the first guy JUST because you had sex with him. You dont have to have sex with the second guy, but if his personality might be more your style, you have to at least go out with him and find out. If you are afraid to dump the first guy after finding out the second guy fits you more, then you just have to handle it. Dont avoid it just because you might be afraid to dump the guy. Plus, if the first guy might be getting too attached to you too early, maybe you feel like hes jumping in further than you are, that will be a problem to your attraction levels too.
Pierre Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 Jane, you dont have to stick with the first guy just because you think you HAVE to. You dont actually feel the full connection with the first guy, because its too soon, theres nothing wrong with that. You took care of a carnal urge for sex, the guy didnt use you just for sex, its fine. The second guy might be more interesting than the first. You dont want to commit to the first guy JUST because you had sex with him. You dont have to have sex with the second guy, but if his personality might be more your style, you have to at least go out with him and find out. If you are afraid to dump the first guy after finding out the second guy fits you more, then you just have to handle it. Dont avoid it just because you might be afraid to dump the guy. Plus, if the first guy might be getting too attached to you too early, maybe you feel like hes jumping in further than you are, that will be a problem to your attraction levels too. These issues are a dime a dozen in this forum and they could easily be solved with monogamous serial dating and avoiding "too much too soon". "Too much too soon" and polygamous parallel dating causes a lot of turmoil for those that are looking for a long term relationship.
Author photojane Posted August 29, 2011 Author Posted August 29, 2011 Pierre- I understand all of y our posts. Like I had said, I made a mistake. One greatly out of charector for me and I am trying to navigate it now that it is done. If had a time machine, I would use it and not sleep with this guy. I am not trying to date and have sex with multiple partners or trick anyone. I believe that I have fessed up to my mistake and am just looking for advice.
sm1tten Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 I understand where you are coming from because this has happened to me. Except in my case, the connection with the first guy was good enough for me to cancel (and not regret canceling) my other dates. And to then date exclusively - it's not a committed relationship; we're still getting to know each other and I don't feel like I'm sticking with him because he's already sampled the goods. For me, the fact that I did something I have never done before (sex on the first date) was because of how well we got along. Why not explore that? In your case, it's more ambivalent, yes? I think you're right, it is a weird dynamic. You are attracted to, interested in, and yes, attached to the guy you slept with... but you don't want to "lock it down" with someone you just met. And dating others but sleeping with one just seems like a relationship that lacks boundaries and will have stunted potential. I don't think that what you are doing is wrong - I think it was extremely unwise to sleep with Guy A AGAIN if you were still interested in meeting other people. You had a perfect opportunity to slow things down and you missed it. I don't really know what to tell you to do there. I guess that if it were me, I'd stop sleeping with Guy A (which might torpedo that potential relationship) if I wanted to continue exploring my options.
bluenightowl Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 These issues are a dime a dozen in this forum and they could easily be solved with monogamous serial dating and avoiding "too much too soon". "Too much too soon" and polygamous parallel dating causes a lot of turmoil for those that are looking for a long term relationship. I tend to agree esp. the too much too soon, but I do think a few casual dates at the beginning with different people really won't cause much harm to anyone. If someone gets deeply hurt because they went out for a coffee a couple of times, that's a huge red flag in any case. The problems start once sex gets mingled up with early dating as we see here. Now she is in the situation of not really knowing who to date, mixed in with her own moral issues of right and wrong. Yes, people can have sex early and this can lead to fabulous relationships, its just a huge gamble because you don't know that person at all, or where their head is at in their own exploration of dating and readiness to commit after 1-2 dates.
mitchell Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 I'm sensing a great deal of remorse about sleeping with the first guy too soon. Why not have a chat with him about your concerns and suggest you two cool off a bit and continue dating without having sex every time you meet? If the relationship evolves and you become exclusive, then you can go ahead and have sex on your more comfortable terms. Until you are exclusive, you can then continue to explore other relationships and date whoever you chose.
Pierre Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 I'm sensing a great deal of remorse about sleeping with the first guy too soon. Why not have a chat with him about your concerns and suggest you two cool off a bit and continue dating without having sex every time you meet? If the relationship evolves and you become exclusive, then you can go ahead and have sex on your more comfortable terms. Until you are exclusive, you can then continue to explore other relationships and date whoever you chose. I am going to pretend I am the guy she slept with: "So no more sex? Why" "You want to date other people and take it slowly?" I think most many men may take this as you are not THE GUY and I want to check out other men. In trying to avoid this the OP may simply tell the guy she is not dating others and just want to take it slowly. However, that would be a lie and it may lead to trouble down the road.
Author photojane Posted August 29, 2011 Author Posted August 29, 2011 Mitchell- My first thought was "is there going back after having had sex?" but I suppose if a guy was decent enough and interested enough, he would not have a problem with that. Am I right? I do like the sounds of that because I would like to see him still to see just how strong the connection is without muddling it up with sex and the feelings that come out of it. And, that will give me the opportunity to explore, in a non sexual way, things with this other man. I think this is a good plan for me and if he doesn't like it, then he's not for me anyways, right?
Author photojane Posted August 29, 2011 Author Posted August 29, 2011 Pierre- Can't it be said "I am not comfortable feeling rushed into a comitted relationship and sex makes me feel that way" without being decietful?
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