Facebook relationship status.. does it matter??

[Audrina]

For me, I was being hit on via Facebook by my single guy friends all the time. By posting that I'm in a relationship it basically told everyone to back off. My boyfriend doesn't have Facebook so it doesn't matter one way or another for him, but for me it was important to make sure that people who use Facebook know I'm in a relationship.

[oaks]

For me, I was being hit on via Facebook by my single guy friends all the time. By posting that I'm in a relationship it basically told everyone to back off.

 

Well that sounds like a good reason!

[zengirl]

It doesn't seem, to me, to be something that needs to have a formal 'announcement'. Or maybe I think it's too important to be announced that way. I'm not sure. Maybe I'm too old for this aspect of Facebook.

 

My friends (the real ones, not the hundreds of people who I vaguely know who are 'friends' on Facebook) will know when I'm in a relationship because they'll get introduced to her in person rather than reading it on the Internet.

 

A lot of my real friends couldn't meet my BF in person without a long plane ride. That's a big reason I use FB (well, not the meeting my BF thing---but the living far away thing). And calling 200 people to tell them sounds inefficient. Even my Mom found out the status change was official through FB, though she'd heard of my BF before in stories and such from our dating.

 

Doesn't it seem weirder to call everyone the night you get together and tell them? I guess I just like to share exciting news. It's like if I get a new job, or win something, or whatnot. That's part of what I like about FB: it's like the ultimate phone tree. It gives me a way to update everyone I care about at once. And everyone on my FB is someone I care about. I delete people once a month or so if we haven't become good friends/lost touch and I want it to stay that way.

 

So, if one were to take this stance, that would mean that they place a high value on what others think of them?

 

Not what I meant, really. I do place a high value on communicating and I place a high value on being with someone who is so thrilled he's with me that he wants everyone to know --- but it's not that he cares what they think of me. It's just when you're really excited about something, that's what you do: you share your happiness. I cannot stand those people, on FB or elsewhere, who only want to share their troubles. Share the good stuff! And if you don't want to, I find you suspicious. Why wouldn't you want to share your awesome new relationship and let the world know?

 

How about people on FB, who I haven't seen for several years, and don't really care if I'll ever see them again in my life? Letting them know I'm in relationship with x certainly isn't high on the list of my priorities, if at all. People in real life (or those online, who I do care about and talk on a regular basis) do know, it comes up in convos or they already know the person anyway, or are introduced, if possible.

 

Not everyone is obsessed with FB.

 

As I said, that was "assuming you use FB to communicate." I'm not obsessed with FB---I just use it to communicate. And thus there's no one on my FB list (which is rather small) who I don't communicate with regularly in some fashion. Now, I may not see them in person, due to distance, or not on the phone due to cost of calling various countries (Skype instead). We may have to Skype or FB chat or whatever. So, to me, it'd be the same as denying in front of my close friends that I had a BF. Seems . . . sketchy.

 

Again, if you don't use FB as a tool to communicate with any regularity, that's fine. I don't update my status all the time --- probably once a week or so --- but I do genuinely use it to communicate with people. And so does everyone I know, at this point, but they're all in their 20s-30s and most were early FB adopters when it was a college thing.

[delilah123]

quite seriously... don't even have my partner of 3 1/2 years on facebook.

 

i have chronic anxiety and OCD and one of the things i was fiding myseld doing was searching his facebook for clues of other women... when I actually trust him (don't say I mustn't... i obviously do or I wouldn't have deleted it...I am aware when I am doing irrational things)

 

anyway, neither of us have our relationship status showing anyway. well i assume he still doesn't.

 

it's only facebook, at the end of the day after 3 years pretty much everyone even in my outer circles know i'm with him and if they don't who cares? I'm not with him so that other people think i'm 'cool'

 

EDIT: I should clarify, when we were immature and sitll in that honeymoon phase at 17, we did do the whole "so and so is in a relationship with so and so" but it managed to get lost along the way for reasons i can't even remember and we never put it back up (about 2 years ago or so)

[Abhuman]

Facebook in general doesn't matter.

 

Well, unless you want to find out which people you know are extremely vain.

 

 

I will say that I quit using it for the very reason this thread was created.

 

mutual and clean break up with ex.

about a week later change to single

incoming flood of wall posts from the exes friends telling me things they want to do to me that sound like Cannibal Corpse song titles. Amazing how two faced some people are.

My close friends retaliated with counter-wall posts and started some war.

I was like screw it, made everything private deleted posts and never looked back.

Edited August 29, 2011 by Abhuman

[rafallus]

As I said, that was "assuming you use FB to communicate." I'm not obsessed with FB---I just use it to communicate. And thus there's no one on my FB list (which is rather small) who I don't communicate with regularly in some fashion. Now, I may not see them in person, due to distance, or not on the phone due to cost of calling various countries (Skype instead). We may have to Skype or FB chat or whatever. So, to me, it'd be the same as denying in front of my close friends that I had a BF. Seems . . . sketchy.

 

Again, if you don't use FB as a tool to communicate with any regularity, that's fine. I don't update my status all the time --- probably once a week or so --- but I do genuinely use it to communicate with people. And so does everyone I know, at this point, but they're all in their 20s-30s and most were early FB adopters when it was a college thing.

 

And this is where it gets tricky...

 

You can use FB to communicate in a million ways. For example, you might see it as, say, extended IM, and not give relationship status (and other functions, like, say, gallery) a second thought. That doesn't seem unreasonable to me at all.

 

It would be shady, if someone was really going OCD on FB, then somehow magically didn't bother with relationship status.

[Blcomeau]

I think that if you feel someone will notice the update, then it will matter...

I changed my status from married to separated about 2 months into our separation because it took awhile to accept that my husband had a new gf and life now and half my friends knew we weren't together anymore. Then it took a few weeks after my new bf and I decided we would be exclusive and when I felt ready to tell the world my intent with my bf. So to me it was a declaration of where I am. I am on FB a few times a day so it was a big step in both relationships to change my statuses.

[TrueColors]

It doesn't seem, to me, to be something that needs to have a formal 'announcement'. Or maybe I think it's too important to be announced that way.

 

This tends to be my sentiment too. The term 'social networking' is redundant when most people just tend to use FB as an online diary anyway.

 

I persnally feel FB is an impersonal method in this instance.

 

For me, I was being hit on via Facebook by my single guy friends all the time. By posting that I'm in a relationship it basically told everyone to back off.

 

A lot of my real friends couldn't meet my BF in person without a long plane ride. That's a big reason I use FB

 

See, to me these are legitimate uses for r/s statuses.

 

Doesn't it seem weirder to call everyone the night you get together and tell them?

 

Yes, it is weird. Only because who would bother actually phoning people up just to tell them you have a new boyfriend?? Maybe what you'd do in school...

 

I tell people good news as and when I see them. I don't tend to make a point of it. It just seems really "attention-seeking" to me. I'm happy for me and those around me who are involved, who I would tell face-to-face. I don't feel the need for other people to be happy for me

 

I cannot stand those people, on FB or elsewhere, who only want to share their troubles. Share the good stuff!

 

I've seen both sides of the coin. Those who share stuff on the extreme on either side (too happy or too depressed), I tend to be weary of. For the reasons explained above.

 

And if you don't want to, I find you suspicious. Why wouldn't you want to share your awesome new relationship and let the world know?

 

Interesting point of view. No-one is saying that you shouldn't share good news. It's the manner in which one chooses to do it in that is the issue.

 

But if the only means of communication to your small group of friends is via FB, that's fine. Whatever works for you.

 

Why would you find it "suspicious"?

 

So, to me, it'd be the same as denying in front of my close friends that I had a BF. Seems . . . sketchy.

 

Really? Just because you didn't have a written r/s status? Wow...

 

And thus there's no one on my FB list (which is rather small) who I don't communicate with regularly in some fashion.

 

See, this is different than say if you had a mixture of people on your list that ranged from contacts, to acquaintances to close friends, which is what I have. This situation is what I'm focussing on: those where you have a mix of people who are relevant and irrelevant to your personal life. I'm of the understanding that some things are personal. To me advertising my r/s status is personal and reserved for people I'm close to IRL. It's got nothing to do with not wanting to share good news.

 

If all your friends in your group are 'close and personal', it may be more understandable.

Edited August 29, 2011 by TrueColors

[zengirl]

Yes, it is weird. Only because who would bother actually phoning people up just to tell them you have a new boyfriend?? Maybe what you'd do in school...

 

I tell people good news as and when I see them. I don't tend to make a point of it. It just seems really "attention-seeking" to me. I'm happy for me and those around me who are involved, who I would tell face-to-face. I don't feel the need for other people to be happy for me

 

Well, even the people who live near me, they may not see me for weeks if they or I am busy. . . and many of my friends would feel "less included" in my life (and I would too) if I waited to share big news, such as a new boyfriend or a new job or something on that level, with them. To me, it's just a way of including your community in your life, as it happens, showing people where you are. I don't want any particular kind of attention---I don't need others to be happy for me. But I share good news because that's what you do with it, as Lorelai Gilmore says, it's like breaking off half your popsicle and giving it to someone else. I'm happy when I hear someone else's happy news. To me, it's about being open and sharing your life with the people in it. Not changing it, especially when prompted or asked about it, would be kind of like hiding it to me. And hiding is never good IMO.

 

I've seen both sides of the coin. Those who share stuff on the extreme on either side (too happy or too depressed), I tend to be weary of. For the reasons explained above.

 

I suppose if I saw extreme happiness I might agree, but I don't think updating your relationship status is ever "extreme." Maybe if you shared every little cutesy note your SO gave you or something. There is such a thing as oversharing, but no one ever considers it oversharing if you mention you got a swanky new promotion, so why should it be oversharing if your life event was romantic in nature instead?

 

Why would you find it "suspicious"?

 

As I said, I only find it suspicious when people are actually against changing it. It seems. . . like needless hiding to me. Why would you ever want to hide so big a thing in your life from anyone in your life?

 

Really? Just because you didn't have a written r/s status? Wow...

 

What's the difference between saying you're "single" and leaving your status as "single" (assuming you're logging on and using the site)? To me: none. Unless you just forgot about it. . . which is fine, but then if someone points it out, you have no longer forgotten.

 

See, this is different than say if you had a mixture of people on your list that ranged from contacts, to acquaintances to close friends, which is what I have.

 

I have people I consider acquaintances as well. (They tend to be local, though---they won't stay on my list for long if I move away because we don't have the level of friendship where I'd put that energy in.) But I talk to them regularly. Otherwise, they wouldn't even be acquaintances. However, why would you want to hide your relationship status from your acquaintances... maybe we have different meanings of the words. Acquaintances, for me, are still people I like and all---we just don't have strong connection, intimacy, or bonds.

 

This situation is what I'm focussing on: those where you have a mix of people who are relevant and irrelevant to your personal life. I'm of the understanding that some things are personal. To me advertising my r/s status is personal and reserved for people I'm close to IRL. It's got nothing to do with not wanting to share good news.

 

I suppose I don't trust anyone who would want to hide something so basic from the world at large. My relationship, like my job, is just such a big part of me and my life that I'd never find it necessary to keep it a secret from anyone I know. I am already bummed I have to keep my religion a secret, and I only do that because it could get me fired. So, I suppose I don't like secrecy.

 

There are plenty of people on FB, I wouldn't share anything intimate with, but to me, this isn't an intimate detail. It's a basic fact of my life.

[TrueColors]

Ok, so I would say, to each their own.

 

I think what you have mentioned about people being cagey when asked is a different issue, which doesn't necessarily have any bearing on the issue of R/S statuses.

 

So, to reiterate my answer to the OP "Does it matter?" I still say no. It's a personal choice and shouldn't be an issue to anyone, regardless of whether you want to announce it or not.

 

Making it one just seems to cause more problems.

[AHardDaysNight]

I think too many people are afraid of being single, that they would put their relationship status as very important.

 

Some of us don't really give two craps about it, so it's pointless to share it with every single friend.

[zengirl]

Ok, so I would say, to each their own.

 

I think what you have mentioned about people being cagey when asked is a different issue, which doesn't necessarily have any bearing on the issue of R/S statuses.

 

So, to reiterate my answer to the OP "Does it matter?" I still say no. It's a personal choice and shouldn't be an issue to anyone, regardless of whether you want to announce it or not.

 

Making it one just seems to cause more problems.

 

Oh, I agree that outsiders should have no bearing on it. My question upthread was specifically to those who are AGAINST it, which to me, is the same as being "cagey when asked." Just not thinking of it and changing it doesn't seem an issue to me at all, as I said in my first post; it's if you seem resistant to change it for a particular reason that I either don't get it or, worse yet, would read some issue into it.

 

FTR, I find it just as odd in reverse----if someone were to become single and not want to change their relationship status back, I'd find it just as odd. I've nothing against being single, nor any fear of it---I just don't see why people would want to hide, especially from people they've self-selected and specifically chosen to select as their friends or acquaintances in a forum developed to share things. I suppose I don't like people who are secretive. To me, that'd be the same as hiding your profession from your friends.

Edited August 30, 2011 by zengirl

[TrueColors]

Oh, I agree that outsiders should have no bearing on it. My question upthread was specifically to those who are AGAINST it, which to me, is the same as being "cagey when asked." Just not thinking of it and changing it doesn't seem an issue to me at all, as I said in my first post; it's if you seem resistant to change it for a particular reason that I either don't get it or, worse yet, would read some issue into it.

 

Do you mean declaring ANY kind relationshp status (single, married, etc) at all or just hiding it from view?

 

FTR, I find it just as odd in reverse----if someone were to become single and not want to change their relationship status back, I'd find it just as odd. I've nothing against being single, nor any fear of it---I just don't see why people would want to hide, especially from people they've self-selected and specifically chosen to select as their friends or acquaintances in a forum developed to share things. I suppose I don't like people who are secretive. To me, that'd be the same as hiding your profession from your friends.

 

Well this is the thing isn't? People are all well and happy to update to "in a relationship" but when it's the reverse, it may be considered...sad. Suddenly it seems much more personal and poignant to announce singledom than it would be the other way round. Stigma? All the questions and possible unwanted attention about what happened? Each person will view this differently, although good for you to hear you would take it as any other piece of news!

 

This is what I don't like: all the drama that goes with it. Suddenly it's all very significant what goes on in your personal life. It shouldn't be, but somehow it is.

 

Some people have no problem with dealing with such scenarios and will see it as a natural part of life. Others prefer to keep this offline. Does this make them "suspicious", "secretive" people?

 

Are you judging someone by what they (don't) put on FB? I don't have my job listed either (or my relationship status). It's not that I'm secretive about either, but why should they even be an issue?

 

Someone posted a really good quote somewhere else: Don't judge a (Face) book by it's cover.

[zengirl]

Do you mean declaring ANY kind relationshp status (single, married, etc) at all or just hiding it from view?

 

I actually don't find anything wrong with keeping it blank in general. Just with having the status incorrect or with having some issue with changing it, if your partner were to ask you to display it. FTR. That's where it becomes "secretive."

 

The notion that it's "drama" also doesn't sit well with me, but the simply leaving it blank because you never really think about it doesn't seem an issue.

 

And I also disagree with you: Of course, the coming together of or the dissolution of a relationship is significant! The notion that what happens in your personal life is somehow insignificant strikes me as odd as well.

[OliveOyl]

I've mentioned this before, but my BF isn't even on FB. I showed him my FB page this weekend for the first time. He was mildly interested, but not enough to sign up.

 

And my ex was on FB and in my list, and mysteriously disappeared. From what I can tell, he removed his account, but maybe he's into deep stealth mode. I dunno. I personally don't use FB very frequently.

 

So for people like me, the relationship statuses are not important at all.

[TrueColors]

I actually don't find anything wrong with keeping it blank in general.

 

simply leaving it blank because you never really think about it doesn't seem an issue.

 

Just with having the status incorrect or with having some issue with changing it, if your partner were to ask you to display it. FTR. That's where it becomes "secretive."

 

Oh so we agree on a couple of things!

 

I guess it could pertain to issues of control, not necessarily secrecy.

 

So, if one partner says "Honey, you need to update your status" and they refused, what then? The other partner starts analysing why they won't: what does this mean? Do they have control issues? What are they hiding? Does this mean he doesn't care about me? Should I break up with him?? I've seen one such thread on LS already...

 

(Drama!)

 

 

The notion that it's "drama" also doesn't sit well with me

 

Well, I was pertaining my previous example on the "breaking up" scenario, but as described above, the "change" - or refusal of - can throw up a whole host of questions on the issue: "are we our defined by our FB behaviour?" And "should we be"?

 

 

And I also disagree with you: Of course, the coming together of or the dissolution of a relationship is significant! The notion that what happens in your personal life is somehow insignificant strikes me as odd as well.

 

But we seem to be going round in circles on this one ^

 

I didn't say that it wasn't.

 

Again it's the manner in which it is announced that I don't neessarily agree with. I find face-to-face announcements much more meaningful.

 

But if, as you say, this is your preferred method of announcing, then so be it.

 

Just because you value FB as a means to communicate, does it make it weird that other people don't?

[zengirl]

Olive, I wasn't on FB for a long time, and I agree if you're not on it or most people in your circle aren't on it, it's not at all important. That's a totally different thing IMO. I totally 100% understand someone not using FB. This is pertaining to people who DO use FB.

 

Oh so we agree on a couple of things!

 

I guess it could pertain to issues of control, not necessarily secrecy.

 

So, if one partner says "Honey, you need to update your status" and they refused, what then? The other partner starts analysing why they won't: what does this mean? Do they have control issues? What are they hiding? Does this mean he doesn't care about me? Should I break up with him?? I've seen one such thread on LS already...

 

(Drama!)

 

But it's not FB causing that drama or the status causing that drama, it's the person who is refusing their partner a really simple request. If that person has a "good" reason for refusing, they should state it. If it doesn't align with the other person's values, that's not drama---it's incompatibility.

 

If someone I was dating flat-out refused to change their FB status to 'in a relationship' when I asked them to without giving me some kind of fantastic reason I could totally understand, I'd break up with him. It'd be incompatibility or untrustworthiness on their part, depending. There's no reason for such secrecy in the world, and if you're so secretive, why do you even HAVE a FB?

 

Well, I was pertaining my previous example on the "breaking up" scenario, but as described above, the "change" - or refusal of - can throw up a whole host of questions on the issue: "are we our defined by our FB behaviour?" And "should we be"?

 

My point is: We're defined by ALL our behavior, including the way we behave in social networking, which is quickly becoming a main component of the way we socialize and communicate with others. At least in my age range (20s/early 30s) and younger. And this IS behavior. If "it doesn't matter because it's just FB," then there is no reason for you (general you) to feel strongly one way or the other and thus no reason to have resistance to changing the status. Clearly, it DOES matter to those who have issue with changing the status, and I question that, yes. I question why anyone would feel strongly in that direction. I get feeling strongly in the other direction, and I get feeling neutral and not caring.

 

But that's NOT "not caring about FB" when you have an inclination NOT to change it to "in a relationship." Having an inclination, in either direction, IS caring about FB.

 

But we seem to be going round in circles on this one ^

 

I didn't say that it wasn't.

 

Yes, you did: You said

 

Suddenly it's all very significant what goes on in your personal life. It shouldn't be, but somehow it is.

 

And I would argue that the coming together or dissolution of a relationship --- that stuff going on in your personal life --- should be and is significant.

 

Again it's the manner in which it is announced that I don't neessarily agree with. I find face-to-face announcements much more meaningful.

 

I understand people naturally waiting a bit till they've told people in person, as I said in my first post, but usually by the time you're in a relationship all the people you'd regularly see in person would know it's coming anyway. I don't see why that'd be a reason to "hold off" or throw up any resistance to changing your status is all. Again, this all pertains to feeling RESISTANCE towards it --- not just not doing it because it didn't occur to you.

 

Just because you value FB as a means to communicate, does it make it weird that other people don't?

 

Of course not, but if they have a FB, they don't care about it, but they CARE (and not wanting to change it = caring too) about their FB status, then it's pretty odd if they wouldn't be willing to make it correct if a partner wished.

 

So, my question above and my point is: If FB is not valued, why would you care? Thus: Why would there be a strong opinion AGAINST changing the status? People try to explain it away as "I just don't care that much about FB" but if they have a strong opinion, one way or the other!, they care.

[Leigh 87]

It depends on the type of person your boyfriend is. My boyfriend does not go on facebook, besides posting travel or party pictures that r important enough to share.... Besides that, he does not often go on to chat, unless it is to reply to an important person in his life, such as a good friend or ME, his girlfriend...

 

It has not even crossed his mind; he loves me, I am his girlfriend, we are happy, yet he has had no desire to suddenly " jump onto facebook to change his status".

 

Furthermore, while he is on facebook, he is too busy thinking about posting the pictures up, or responding to the msgs that need respinding to. He is just not the type of person to think about announcing his status of his relationshio to every one. The people that matter the most to him KNOW he has a girlfriend.....

 

 

It never bothered me, and still does not, although, interestingly enough, I have asked him just then vis text, that I had been reading a debate regarding fb status's, and it made me want him to change it next time he was on.

 

I also stated that it was not previously important to me, but it was just a nice thing to do do, after reading about this thread:)

 

I wonder what his response shall me? Hopefully " sure babe, don't care about that stuff, but I will if u really want me to ( or " I will if it makes u happy").

 

 

SOme people do not care, or think about it.. even if they are madly in love.

[Janesays]

I sent my boyfriend one of those picture linking things as a goof and he accepted. But I'm always teasing people about FB. "IT ISN'T REAL UNLESS IT'S ON FACEBOOK!" is a common jab of mine.