ThsAmericanLife Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 In an ideal world, most of the people who claim "looking for friends" would then do friendships and keep things open until they find someone they click with. In the real world, most women who claim "friends" use it as a safety guard to reject guys. "I'm not looking for a relationship, just friends." I just think that certain places are for certain things. If it were up to me, the dating sites would only be about dating...nothing more. That way there is no mixed signals or anything. Any woman being emailed or winked at on those sites will accept the reality that this guy wants to date her...not be her buddy for a while in the hopes of dating her. When it came to the other avenues, I wasn't even looking. I didn't go into those chat rooms or message boards to meet women. It just happened, kind of how it works in life. Maybe my messages seem skewed, but I just think men and women should stop wasting other people's time in these sites. If you want to get laid, then go out and find a hookup, or join a site like AdultFriendFinder. If you want to date and maybe find love, then join Match or POF. I agree with your "the users should make the rules" comment. In the end, the guy looking for a girlfriend shouldn't bother emailing the "looking for friends" women. I know I didn't waste my time that way. Some might claim that's why I never found success on dating sites, but I still stand by that I'm not going to pay $30 a month to work on "convincing" someone to date me. I'll pay the money for women who want to date...even if it's not me. I know with my fiance...there was no game, no time to "figure it out", and even when she had some emotional problems...she never questioned the relationship. I wish more men and women would just be straightforward about it all and not waste others time in wishy washy modes. good for you... some people don't believe in f**g complete strangers, and that is what people online are... Strangers. Google, Facebook, and all that are not going to unearth a person's character.. except for the extreme examples. So, while I'm glad you met your fiancee... I (and other people who prefer creating real intimacy on the path to 'dating') would probably resent that insisting on being a friend first means we aren't serious about finding someone. In fact, I'll say it is attitudes like yours that create so many false expectations from people online.
EnigmaticClarity Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 I've primarily used OKC, which is a free dating site. It never promised me such a thing. But I don't believe in soulmates. Yea I never get the complaints about the cost...none are expensive, and several large ones like OKC and POF are totally free, so just stick to those if $100 is a hardship. And if you believe eHarmony and Match are "guaranteeing" you a relationship, I'm also guessing your expectation when drinking a Budweiser is that bikini-clad women riding on the hoods of sportscars will be throwing themselves at you as well.
Emilia Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 In an ideal world, most of the people who claim "looking for friends" would then do friendships and keep things open until they find someone they click with. In the real world, most women who claim "friends" use it as a safety guard to reject guys. "I'm not looking for a relationship, just friends." I just think that certain places are for certain things. If it were up to me, the dating sites would only be about dating...nothing more. That way there is no mixed signals or anything. Any woman being emailed or winked at on those sites will accept the reality that this guy wants to date her...not be her buddy for a while in the hopes of dating her. When it came to the other avenues, I wasn't even looking. I didn't go into those chat rooms or message boards to meet women. It just happened, kind of how it works in life. Maybe my messages seem skewed, but I just think men and women should stop wasting other people's time in these sites. If you want to get laid, then go out and find a hookup, or join a site like AdultFriendFinder. If you want to date and maybe find love, then join Match or POF. I agree with your "the users should make the rules" comment. In the end, the guy looking for a girlfriend shouldn't bother emailing the "looking for friends" women. I know I didn't waste my time that way. Some might claim that's why I never found success on dating sites, but I still stand by that I'm not going to pay $30 a month to work on "convincing" someone to date me. I'll pay the money for women who want to date...even if it's not me. I know with my fiance...there was no game, no time to "figure it out", and even when she had some emotional problems...she never questioned the relationship. I wish more men and women would just be straightforward about it all and not waste others time in wishy washy modes. I agree 100%. I would also add the wishy-washy modes also include people's joining straight after a bad break-up and obviously not being in the right frame of mind to date, only to waste time. I will never go back to online dating and luckily I have found ways to steadily meet new people including men now away from the bar scene, but if I created a site it would be only for those that wanted to date and have been single for at least 3 months (of course enforcing those rules is another issue) Time wasting was what annoyed me most about online dating. Chatting naturally by being outgoing and meeting people that way seems a much healthier option anyway. Online dating seems forced and contrived
EnigmaticClarity Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 Time wasting was what annoyed me most about online dating. Odd point of view given that the opposite is true when your expectations are in line. I've got a set of about a dozen requirements in a person, and finding all of them via a circle of friends or social approaches is like playing the lottery. That's not to discount in-person meets, but online is a great supplement when used well. You'd have to be an exceptional networker to find the same size pool of new people who meet your requirements that you find online.
Sanman Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 My experience with OLD seem different from others. I actually like it and my experiences have been similar to IRL dating. However, I think it depends on how you use it. Most of my successful friends were those of us looking for those women who were also professionals and of the Sam ethnicity as ourselves. Didn't always have someone who met our requirements in our friends circle. I found a lot of women were the same and many were recent transplants. Just my experience.
Emilia Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 Odd point of view given that the opposite is true when your expectations are in line. I've got a set of about a dozen requirements in a person, and finding all of them via a circle of friends or social approaches is like playing the lottery. That's not to discount in-person meets, but online is a great supplement when used well. You'd have to be an exceptional networker to find the same size pool of new people who meet your requirements that you find online. ... or just live in a large city like I do and have interests and hobbies that allow you to meet a steady influx of people.
LittleTiger Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 (edited) Time wasting was what annoyed me most about online dating. Chatting naturally by being outgoing and meeting people that way seems a much healthier option anyway. Online dating seems forced and contrived Of course it's forced and contrived - because people make it that way! If single people, went about their daily lives refusing to talk to anyone of the opposite sex unless there was a virtually guaranteed potential date involved, almost all our social interactions would be a farce. Meeting people should never be seen as a waste of time - even if it doesn't lead to a relationship. I just don't understand that mentality at all! Edited August 30, 2011 by LittleTiger
fortyninethousand322 Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 Of course it's forced and contrived - because people make it that way! If single people, went about their daily lives refusing to talk to anyone of the opposite sex unless there was a virutally guaranteed potential date involved, almost all our social interactions would be a farce. Meeting people should never be seen as a waste of time - even if it doesn't lead to a relationship. I just don't understand that mentality at all! Well, my view on this is highly tainted by my inexperience. I really no longer want to be a perpetually single, inexperienced guy. I'm pretty sure if I had girlfriends before I'd be much more relaxed about it. But, because I'm so focused on trying to get a girlfriend, I pretty much go into "potential date" mode around any girl I meet (as long as she's single). I know it's counter-productive, but I really don't know how I can turn it off.
LittleTiger Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 ... or just live in a large city like I do and have interests and hobbies that allow you to meet a steady influx of people. .......but not everybody can or does live in a large city where they meet a steady influx of people.
EnigmaticClarity Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 .......but not everybody can or does live in a large city where they meet a steady influx of people. I could work in Times Square handing out fliers for a living and still not find as many people who I knew met my criteria as I could doing a Match.com search for that same area.
ThsAmericanLife Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 ... or just live in a large city like I do and have interests and hobbies that allow you to meet a steady influx of people. Agree... and if someone is living in a small town or an area devoid of diversity... that they need to consider moving to a better location...
Red Arremer Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 I've thought about being honest and saying on my profile that I'm just interested in short-term dating and casual sex (it's not that I'm completely opposed to a LTR, I just don't want one right now), but I would have to imagine that my response rate would instantly fall to zero if I did that. On one hand that would mean no wasted dates that go nowhere, but on the other hand, some of those dates could be good practice. I'm sort of torn.
Emilia Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 I've thought about being honest and saying on my profile that I'm just interested in short-term dating and casual sex (it's not that I'm completely opposed to a LTR, I just don't want one right now), but I would have to imagine that my response rate would instantly fall to zero if I did that. On one hand that would mean no wasted dates that go nowhere, but on the other hand, some of those dates could be good practice. I'm sort of torn. If you are after casual, bars are a better option
Red Arremer Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 If you are after casual, bars are a better option If you're the kind of person that can function normally and be outgoing in a bar, sure. I'm not.
madjac74 Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 I could work in Times Square handing out fliers for a living and still not find as many people who I knew met my criteria as I could doing a Match.com search for that same area. Seriously having a criteria and only meeting people who fit it seems so dull. Don't you ever want to just randomly meet someone and "discover" their personality rather than just reading about it in their profile. Besides how many profiles say "I love the outdoors, going for walks, spending time with family and friends, etc..." And I'm not knocking the online dating thing because I've met some great people on there including one of the most amazing women I've ever known and still love very much.
ThsAmericanLife Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 I've thought about being honest and saying on my profile that I'm just interested in short-term dating and casual sex (it's not that I'm completely opposed to a LTR, I just don't want one right now), but I would have to imagine that my response rate would instantly fall to zero if I did that. On one hand that would mean no wasted dates that go nowhere, but on the other hand, some of those dates could be good practice. I'm sort of torn. ... and this is why I'm not interested in OLD... because invariably, men fib about wanting a relationship or being able to make it past Date 1 without a slick whistle... I would actually want to encourage you to put down precisely what you said about.... If not, you will be pissing off alot of potentially quality women you might actually want a relationship with SOMEDAY by fudging on your current requirements. There are women out there who are also not ready for relationships... take a look around... the number of women who are ok with multi-dating and FWB arrangements seem to be pretty abundant here.
Red Arremer Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 I would actually want to encourage you to put down precisely what you said about.... If not, you will be pissing off alot of potentially quality women you might actually want a relationship with SOMEDAY by fudging on your current requirements. There are women out there who are also not ready for relationships... take a look around... the number of women who are ok with multi-dating and FWB arrangements seem to be pretty abundant here. You must be reading different threads than I am, then.
Casablanca Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 I like it as an additional place to meet people...I just wish people approached it like me; honest, body shots, no old pictures/unaccurate pictures and said what they want...also I wish people just used it for relationships...if you want a hookup, go to craiglist or a bar, or maybe if an online free hookup website was created that worked like plentyoffish and okcupid would be cool...weed out those guys that give other men bad names And yes I know there is a looking for casual sex option, but guys still message those who dont put that on there all the time trying to get sex.
ThsAmericanLife Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 You must be reading different threads than I am, then. That's interesting... everyone feels like the outlier When you read posts from women upset about a relationship, it is usually because the guy wasn't honest up front. Even the MEN get upset at men who are looking for casual sex and won't square with the woman. You don't need that bad karma. Plus, again, when you are ready to have a relationship again someday, do you really want that trail of destruction behind you? I dunno. Being honest just seems, well, more FUN. Who has the energy to keep all those lies going? I sure don't.
ThsAmericanLife Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 I like it as an additional place to meet people...I just wish people approached it like me; honest, body shots, no old pictures/unaccurate pictures and said what they want...also I wish people just used it for relationships...if you want a hookup, go to craiglist or a bar, or maybe if an online free hookup website was created that worked like plentyoffish and okcupid would be cool...weed out those guys that give other men bad names And yes I know there is a looking for casual sex option, but guys still message those who dont put that on there all the time trying to get sex. You got that right!! I probably would have kept posting pics if I hadn't gotten so much of the last sentence you wrote...
Casablanca Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 You got that right!! I probably would have kept posting pics if I hadn't gotten so much of the last sentence you wrote... I also wonder how many messages I have sent that got mass deleted because they were unknowingly lumped with a bunch of idiots like described
Zaphod B Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 I have had great success with online dating here in New Zealand. Even have a coffee date lined up this evening with a high school teacher. Have two others I'm supposed to be organising a date with, but just haven't had the time. Through I dating, I have had one long term relationship, one short term one, a brief romance, a FWB, and a number of flings. I have dated a lawyer, a doctor, an architect and many other professional women. Many of these woman have been highly desirable and attractive. It's a fast efficient way to get to women that might be compatible, while weeding out those who aren't. In my experience the women I meet on line are no different to the ones you meet in RL. I have a lot of advice and tips I can give if anyone is interested. Strategies that have worked for me in getting that initial first date.
Zaphod B Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 Horndogs will still hit up those women as well. IMHO, the "friends" thing is merely a defense mechanism so the person somehow feels like they're not some hopeless person for joining a dating site. I'm sorry to sound so cynical, but I'm relaying my experiences on dating sites and why social capital in the real world is the best way IMHO to meet potential mates. You're the man, grkBoy. You make some great observations and they tend to line up with my own too.
FitChick Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 I always assumed people who said they were only looking for friendship were already in a relationship and wanted online flirting, maybe phone or webcam sex, but had no intentions of ever meeting in person.
Red Arremer Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 That's interesting... everyone feels like the outlier When you read posts from women upset about a relationship, it is usually because the guy wasn't honest up front. Even the MEN get upset at men who are looking for casual sex and won't square with the woman. You don't need that bad karma. Plus, again, when you are ready to have a relationship again someday, do you really want that trail of destruction behind you? I dunno. Being honest just seems, well, more FUN. Who has the energy to keep all those lies going? I sure don't. None of my dates ever make it to that point, let alone where there would be a "relationship" to screw up, so it's not really an issue. Hooray!
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