madjac74 Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 The problem I have with looking for "friends" on OLD is that when it comes time to actually meet I don't want to be on totally different pages. I go on there to find dates not hang outs. And, my issue was not with women explicitly saying "I'm here for strictly friendship" or "friends first then see what happens"; I was expressing frustration with women who simply list "friends" as what they were looking for without adding any kind of clarification at all. So is this why so many people need online to meet people because in "reality" when you meet someone there is no clarification on what they want or no profile attached to them. I still prefer the spontaneity of real life. And the fact that someone puts "Looking for friends" is only to remove the pressure of those desperate souls who are looking to jump straight into a relationship and/or marriage. If we were truly on a dating site looking for friends then we would be perusing the profiles of both sexes
LittleTiger Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 Yes, generally, but not all men, or at least there's a difference between just looking for sex and looking for a relationship while also believing that sex is an important part of one. Are these women who are just looking for opposite-sex 'friends' on dating sites expecting to be celibate? Not at all.......but, neither are they expecting to find themselves very suddenly in a 'relationship' with someone they barely know. Men on dating sites tend to be one of two types. They're either looking for sex (short term, long term, whatever they can get), or they're looking for a LTR. The LTR seekers can be a bit 'quick off the mark' in terms of labelling the relationship, so 'friendship' keeps everything casual and means people can have fun getting to know one another. If you give a woman the chance to get to know you without 'expecting' anything from her you stand much more chance of her being interested in the longer term. I just think so many people take online dating too seriously and advertising for 'friends' just seems a much more relaxed way of going about it. I'm well aware I'm probably in the minority here but both my fiance and I were looking for 'friendship' when we met!
LittleTiger Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 So is this why so many people need online to meet people because in "reality" when you meet someone there is no clarification on what they want or no profile attached to them. I still prefer the spontaneity of real life. And the fact that someone puts "Looking for friends" is only to remove the pressure of those desperate souls who are looking to jump straight into a relationship and/or marriage. If we were truly on a dating site looking for friends then we would be perusing the profiles of both sexes Thank you madjac . 'Spontaneity' is exactly it! If people were more relaxed about dating sites and happy to meet each other as 'friends', the possibility of a LTR becomes more spontaneous - just as it is in real life. Most of the problems with online dating sites are created by the people who use them.
oaks Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 Not at all Right so sex is part of the equation for women on dating sites, too... .......but, neither are they expecting to find themselves very suddenly in a 'relationship' with someone they barely know. ...and looking for "Friends" is just a way of saying "it's not a race to the bedroom so let's take things slowly"? (I'm fairly sure it doesn't usually mean "I'm just looking for friends, so you can date as many other girls as you like" )
fortyninethousand322 Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 So is this why so many people need online to meet people because in "reality" when you meet someone there is no clarification on what they want or no profile attached to them. I still prefer the spontaneity of real life. And the fact that someone puts "Looking for friends" is only to remove the pressure of those desperate souls who are looking to jump straight into a relationship and/or marriage. If we were truly on a dating site looking for friends then we would be perusing the profiles of both sexes Well for me, if I didn't call something a "date" outright, I'd likely continually fall into the friend zone. I'm a 23 year old who's never even kissed a girl before. I have enough friends, I'd like to actually have a relationship for a change. Thank you madjac . 'Spontaneity' is exactly it! If people were more relaxed about dating sites and happy to meet each other as 'friends', the possibility of a LTR becomes more spontaneous - just as it is in real life. Most of the problems with online dating sites are created by the people who use them. Again the problem is that if I kept meeting people as friends I'd likely stay as "friends". I can't manufacture attraction at all. Or, I suppose would it still be ok to try to hold hands or kiss a girl I was hanging out as "friends" with?
EnigmaticClarity Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 Again the problem is that if I kept meeting people as friends I'd likely stay as "friends". I can't manufacture attraction at all. You'll struggle with ALL forms of dating until you can manufacture at least a LITTLE attraction. A sense of humor can be practiced anywhere any other human being is--at home, at work, out to lunch, out shopping, anywhere. A good motto is "make 'em laugh, make 'em breakfast."
fortyninethousand322 Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 You'll struggle with ALL forms of dating until you can manufacture at least a LITTLE attraction. A sense of humor can be practiced anywhere any other human being is--at home, at work, out to lunch, out shopping, anywhere. A good motto is "make 'em laugh, make 'em breakfast." There was one girl a few years ago. We did a lot of date-like things together (perhaps they were dates but I don't know). And I made her laugh like no tomorrow, she thought I was one of the funniest guys she'd ever met, and she always had a big smile whenever she saw me. But, she definitely friendzoned me, and ever since then I pretty much knew that just because a girl think you're funny does not mean she wants to date you. So...I guess I'm just SOL.
madjac74 Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 Well for me, if I didn't call something a "date" outright, I'd likely continually fall into the friend zone. I'm a 23 year old who's never even kissed a girl before. I have enough friends, I'd like to actually have a relationship for a change. Again the problem is that if I kept meeting people as friends I'd likely stay as "friends". I can't manufacture attraction at all. Or, I suppose would it still be ok to try to hold hands or kiss a girl I was hanging out as "friends" with? Just because you label it a date doesnt mean you are going to get a kiss or a relationship out of it! When you are dating online more times than not you are going to fail if you are looking for a relationship. In my online dating experience of say 20 dates, i have had a disasterous rebound relationship, made probably 5 friends including one of my best friends, had a few complete run for the door disasters, had a few they were cool to hangout with but they were ready to race into a relationship and i didnt feel them that way.... and met the woman who i am currently in love with! You have to go into it with the mindset that "at most we will get along and be friends". You can't go in thinking "This has got to be the one!". You are setting yourself up for failure.
fortyninethousand322 Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 (edited) You are setting yourself up for failure. Been doing that since the day I was born. Why change now, right? Besides women aren't even messaging me back let alone agreeing to meet with me so this is all a moot point anyway. Edited August 29, 2011 by fortyninethousand322
breakfastmeat Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 Majority of them were full of baggage, just came out of a bad breakup, have never dated before. I see your frustration here. People shouldn't be on online dating sites like that if they're on the rebound. Years ago I had the smarts to avoid a guy who was all over me like a slobbering dog. I knew it was because his girlfriend just dumped him and he was merely transferring his soppy emotions from her to me. About a week later when his girlfriend took him back, he admitted I was right about him. lulz.
EnigmaticClarity Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 There was one girl a few years ago. We did a lot of date-like things together (perhaps they were dates but I don't know). And I made her laugh like no tomorrow, she thought I was one of the funniest guys she'd ever met, and she always had a big smile whenever she saw me. But, she definitely friendzoned me, and ever since then I pretty much knew that just because a girl think you're funny does not mean she wants to date you. So...I guess I'm just SOL. 1) Make her laugh. 2) Kiss her. If this is too big a step for you or it feels awkward, warm up with some physical contact first--touch her hand, or shoulder, or sidle up close to her so that you invade her personal space, and then eventually kiss her. Certainly getting her accustomed to physical contact makes a kiss easier and more comfortable, but you can transition straight to a kiss without too much awkwardness--women know why they're out with a man and why the man is with them, you don't need to avoid the reality of opposite sexes being attracted to each other. And if she doesn't want to be kissed, then ah well, maybe she doesn't like you and it's time to move to the next one. If you wait too long for step 2, or never even try it, you're friendzoned. If you made her laugh, you did the hard part but didn't close the deal by letting your fear control you and cause you to never make a move.
madjac74 Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 Been doing that since the day I was born. Why change now, right? Besides women aren't even messaging me back let alone agreeing to meet with me so this is all a moot point anyway. Your negativity is not attractive, mister!! I don't have the best of luck on dating sites and I'm freaking awesome! haha
LittleTiger Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 Right so sex is part of the equation for women on dating sites, too... Lol! Sex is part of the equation for both genders for all interactions between men and women - online and off! ...and looking for "Friends" is just a way of saying "it's not a race to the bedroom so let's take things slowly"? Not entirely. It's a way of saying "I like the company of men, I'm here to meet men and, if you're really lucky you might stand out as being a lot more interesting than the others and it may or may not lead to something" Of course, I realise I'm a little different from most. I like meeting new people and I love men. I have a number of male friends, which my fiance is perfectly happy about, and I see everyone I meet as a potential friend. (I'm fairly sure it doesn't usually mean "I'm just looking for friends, so you can date as many other girls as you like" ) Probably not for most women but, like I said, I'm a bit different and that's exactly what it meant to me!
oaks Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 Lol! Sex is part of the equation for both genders for all interactions between men and women - online and off! Oh good. Glad we've got that sorted out.
LittleTiger Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 Oh good. Glad we've got that sorted out. Lol! I do like you oaks!
zengirl Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 Online dating is just dating. On OKC, which used to cull well (apparently the %s just changed recently, and my friend, K, has been complaining about it all week) and only even showed me guys I had a reasonable chance at being compatible with so I could then cull further, I actually probably had less issues than IRL dating, though I never did exclusively OLD. The only difference with online dating is that people put expectations on it because it has the word "dating" in it. When you meet someone at any other place, there are more unknowns, less expectations, and also less clarity. Clarity and known factors help me, but some people seem to like the randomness and feel uncertain with knowledge. Likely, you could meet plenty of girls in person with all the same attributes. You could probably even meet the SAME girls in person in some cases, but OLD allows you to meet people you might never meet. With OKC, I often found people I had some social connections --- usually unknown at first --- to once I got to know them. All dating has the same issues, wherever you meet someone.
betterdeal Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 There was one girl a few years ago. We did a lot of date-like things together (perhaps they were dates but I don't know). And I made her laugh like no tomorrow, she thought I was one of the funniest guys she'd ever met, and she always had a big smile whenever she saw me. But, she definitely friendzoned me, and ever since then I pretty much knew that just because a girl think you're funny does not mean she wants to date you. You freindzoned her a.k.a. you turned her down by not making a move.
madjac74 Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 All dating has the same issues, wherever you meet someone. The difference is online dating sites make guarantees about finding your soul mate just because you pay them! People actually have that expectation when they go on to those sites!
bluenightowl Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 The difference is online dating sites make guarantees about finding your soul mate just because you pay them! People actually have that expectation when they go on to those sites! I think that is true. If for example you are on a OLD site that promises a LTR you might assume the people you are dating want that. They might think they do, but actually they are just using the site to get over their emotional baggage.
grkBoy Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 If you agree, then why do you so strongly object to women on dating sites saying that they're looking for 'friends'? Shouldn't everybody advertise themselves as looking for friends and just see what happens? In an ideal world, most of the people who claim "looking for friends" would then do friendships and keep things open until they find someone they click with. In the real world, most women who claim "friends" use it as a safety guard to reject guys. "I'm not looking for a relationship, just friends." I just think that certain places are for certain things. If it were up to me, the dating sites would only be about dating...nothing more. That way there is no mixed signals or anything. Any woman being emailed or winked at on those sites will accept the reality that this guy wants to date her...not be her buddy for a while in the hopes of dating her. When it came to the other avenues, I wasn't even looking. I didn't go into those chat rooms or message boards to meet women. It just happened, kind of how it works in life. Maybe my messages seem skewed, but I just think men and women should stop wasting other people's time in these sites. If you want to get laid, then go out and find a hookup, or join a site like AdultFriendFinder. If you want to date and maybe find love, then join Match or POF. I agree with your "the users should make the rules" comment. In the end, the guy looking for a girlfriend shouldn't bother emailing the "looking for friends" women. I know I didn't waste my time that way. Some might claim that's why I never found success on dating sites, but I still stand by that I'm not going to pay $30 a month to work on "convincing" someone to date me. I'll pay the money for women who want to date...even if it's not me. I know with my fiance...there was no game, no time to "figure it out", and even when she had some emotional problems...she never questioned the relationship. I wish more men and women would just be straightforward about it all and not waste others time in wishy washy modes.
chphan Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 To me it's the people who say they're just looking for long term relationships who are the ones to avoid. There's nothing wrong with saying, friends and dating and long term relationships because that, at least, acknowledges there are stages of relationships that may or may not lead to something more. Meeting up with someone who is just looking for a long term relationship, or even just interacting with them online, is like being interviewed for a job you're not even sure you want. Waaay too much pressure! The 'rules' of online dating can be whatever people choose them to be, so if someone wants to use them to socialise with the opposite sex, regardless of whether it leads to a LTR, then why not? I agree with this and a win post to me. There's a difference between interacting with someone online or email than interacting with them in real life. If you find your right mate, chances are that person too will technically be your best friend because they know everything about you. I would prefer the friends, date, and then long term relationship stage myself. This way I don't have to try meet the standard of what a person what from a long term relationship right away. That's a lot of pressure from just going through and interacting online/email. Better to me friends first with no pressure to see if you connect on a social level and then go to date level afterwards. Than go to long term if the dating stages is good. Again this is just my preference.
EnigmaticClarity Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 If it were up to me, the dating sites would only be about dating...nothing more. They're ALREADY about dating, and nothing more.
zengirl Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 The difference is online dating sites make guarantees about finding your soul mate just because you pay them! People actually have that expectation when they go on to those sites! I've primarily used OKC, which is a free dating site. It never promised me such a thing. But I don't believe in soulmates.
ThsAmericanLife Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 I was going to post this as its own thread but I'll just post it here. Basically these are my two biggest structural issues with online dating (obviously everyone hates that women don't write first/back): 1. Leaving pertinent info out: One girl messaged me back and forth a few times, was flirty, interested in the same things I was, etc. But, when it came time to arrange a meet she said she was only interested in dating men from her own religious/ethnic background. Ok, that's fine but please mention that in your profile, or at least answer some of the religion match questions. Don't assume that just because you list "Islam" or "Judaism" or "Buddhism" in your profile that only people of that faith will message you. Likewise, if you're Indian and only want to date Indian guys, then say so. That way I won't bother messaging you. 2. "Looking for friends": Almost all profiles that I've come across have listed friends as one of things they were looking for, often in conjunction with dating and a relationship. But, a seemingly large number list "friends" all by itself. Why? Isn't an online dating site for dating? To their credit, some of the women have explicitly stated that friendship was all they were looking for, and others stated that they wanted to be friends first. But the vast majority of women who listed only friends gave absolutely no clarification on what that meant. I know, if she lists friends that exactly what she means, but at the same time, why look for friends on a "dating" site? I'm sure I can think of some more stuff, but these two have always bugged me. I was one of those who would put down 'New Friends' because my dating pace seemed to be alot more deliberate than the men I'd meet. Despite the fact that I'd say in my profile something along the lines of "I need time to determine if there is romantic potential"... It would never cease to amaze me how many men think that 'time' means one should be f**g on the 4th date instead of the 3rd date... or they are trying to shove their tongues down my throat on the 1st date. Better to put 'Friends'... Before I got thoroughly fed up with the whole thing... I'd gotten to the point where I stopped posting pictures at all and only agreed to meet men I'd contacted first. I actually met some decent men that way... who I still keep in touch with...I'm still not back on though... overall, I found the process distasteful and so decided to use my energy to meet men offline through friends, family, and community connections.
Recommended Posts