What's your view on online dating?

[ironmanpower]

Since I came out of a LTR 9 months ago, I've been trying out online dating. I've dated about 5 women so far but found that none of them were of relationship material.

 

Majority of them were full of baggage, just came out of a bad breakup, have never dated before.

[betterdeal]

What did you expect? Someone with no baggage, had an amicable break up 10 years ago, and has just decided, "I know, I'll give online dating a go, been meaning to get around to dating and I just can't seem to find someone offline, what with me being rounded, happy and with no baggage, I guess I need to cast my nets wider..."

[oaks]

Majority of them were full of baggage, just came out of a bad breakup, have never dated before.

 

So now you know some questions to ask next time while you're still emailing and before asking them on a date.

[LittleTiger]

Since I came out of a LTR 9 months ago, I've been trying out online dating. I've dated about 5 women so far but found that none of them were of relationship material.

 

Majority of them were full of baggage, just came out of a bad breakup, have never dated before.

 

We all have 'baggage' (horrible term) unless we're very, very young. Some poor souls even have 'childhood baggage'. 'Baggage' is 'history and experience' and makes us into the people we are today. It's not something that is exclusive to online dating!

 

Focus on the positives of the women you meet. If they turn out not to be 'relationship material' for you, maybe they'll be someone you come to appreciate as a friend. Perhaps one day they will introduce you to your future long term partner.

 

I believe people take online dating a little too seriously. Every date is approached with 'could she/he be the one'! Presumably you wouldn't put so much pressure on your date or yourself if you'd met them first IRL and just asked them out for a drink or a meal?

 

I met my fiance on a dating/friendship site and I've made some very good platonic friends through online dating. I know a number of people who've also met their partners on dating sites. Just enjoy the experience of meeting new people and if you get absolutely nothing positive from a date, just move on to the next one.

 

Have fun!

[grkBoy]

I honestly think dating sites could be so much better if they put in some good rules designed to get rid of the liars and even to help people "lock out" those who simply harass and bother.

 

Right now, I think many of the pay sites design themselves to trick men into giving them money on the hope of finding women. Too much of society still has a negative view on people who using dating sites, thus why the "quality singles" seem to stay away.

 

Online Dating isn't a total lost cause, but I think one should use it as an addition to being sociable and doing things. Some simply rely on dating sites alone and thus they spend hours every day sending emails and looking for potentials. One should perhaps spend 30-60 min a day or a few times a week, but that's it. If you seemingly have no other way to meet people other than dating sites, social networks, etc...then you need to rethink your life in general.

[EnigmaticClarity]

Right now, I think many of the pay sites design themselves to trick men into giving them money on the hope of finding women.

 

How are they tricking them? Most of the complaints I hear about the shortcomings of online dating sites just as easily apply to dating offline. People somehow expect online dating to magically remove the challenges of dating in general, which it doesn't. Big surprise.

 

It's a decent way to quickly find a bunch of people who are highly likely to meet many of your preferences--or at least the ones that let you search are. The ones that do the matching for you are frustrating, particularly ones like eHarmony that don't even let you enter any physical characteristics at all.

[fortyninethousand322]

I was going to post this as its own thread but I'll just post it here. Basically these are my two biggest structural issues with online dating (obviously everyone hates that women don't write first/back):

 

1. Leaving pertinent info out:

 

One girl messaged me back and forth a few times, was flirty, interested in the same things I was, etc. But, when it came time to arrange a meet she said she was only interested in dating men from her own religious/ethnic background. Ok, that's fine but please mention that in your profile, or at least answer some of the religion match questions. Don't assume that just because you list "Islam" or "Judaism" or "Buddhism" in your profile that only people of that faith will message you. Likewise, if you're Indian and only want to date Indian guys, then say so. That way I won't bother messaging you.

 

2. "Looking for friends":

 

Almost all profiles that I've come across have listed friends as one of things they were looking for, often in conjunction with dating and a relationship. But, a seemingly large number list "friends" all by itself. Why? Isn't an online dating site for dating? To their credit, some of the women have explicitly stated that friendship was all they were looking for, and others stated that they wanted to be friends first. But the vast majority of women who listed only friends gave absolutely no clarification on what that meant. I know, if she lists friends that exactly what she means, but at the same time, why look for friends on a "dating" site?

 

I'm sure I can think of some more stuff, but these two have always bugged me.

[grkBoy]

How are they tricking them?

 

When they get people, especially pretty or decent looking women, to fill out "free profiles", they keep that information and use it to pad up their numbers to make it appear as if the site is loaded with single pretty women.

 

Men then sign up and find out they have to pay to contact them, so they do...then they find out most of those profiles are not pay profiles, so the emails they send to these girls never reach them. The girls get an email saying "Someone sent you a message! Subscribe now and find out who!", which those women never do. I'll bet many even now have those emails going directly to their spam folders.

 

Yahoo, Match, Lavalife, and many others do this. They've been busted on it, but still do it in a certain degree. I still think if they were forced to 100% remove a profile when someone quits, things would look totally different. In the end, the goal is more to make money, thus they get lonely men to sign up. Some tried the "all women are free" approach, and you end up with the PlentyOfFish problem where they don't take it seriously, or abandon profiles.

 

I'm NOT saying the sites are a complete waste, but I am saying they don't bring the success or pool of singles many hope for. I still tell people to either use one on a small level, but to more build social capital so those people bring you to other eligible singles they know.

[EnigmaticClarity]

why look for friends on a "dating" site?

 

It's a method commonly used to help weed out all the horndogs out there who are primarily looking for sex.

[grkBoy]

2. "Looking for friends":

 

Almost all profiles that I've come across have listed friends as one of things they were looking for, often in conjunction with dating and a relationship. But, a seemingly large number list "friends" all by itself. Why? Isn't an online dating site for dating? To their credit, some of the women have explicitly stated that friendship was all they were looking for, and others stated that they wanted to be friends first. But the vast majority of women who listed only friends gave absolutely no clarification on what that meant. I know, if she lists friends that exactly what she means, but at the same time, why look for friends on a "dating" site?

 

I agree. If it were up to me, the ONLY things I'd offer as choices are dating, relationships, or sex. None of this "chat", "hang out", "friends" thing. You want friends, join Facebook. You want to date, then join a dating site.

 

If I'm looking for a potential girlfriend on a dating site, then I'm not going to waste my time with anyone who isn't looking to date.

[grkBoy]

It's a method commonly used to help weed out all the horndogs out there who are primarily looking for sex.

 

Horndogs will still hit up those women as well.

 

IMHO, the "friends" thing is merely a defense mechanism so the person somehow feels like they're not some hopeless person for joining a dating site. I'm sorry to sound so cynical, but I'm relaying my experiences on dating sites and why social capital in the real world is the best way IMHO to meet potential mates.

[EnigmaticClarity]

Yahoo, Match, Lavalife, and many others do this. They've been busted on it, but still do it in a certain degree. I still think if they were forced to 100% remove a profile when someone quits, things would look totally different. In the end, the goal is more to make money, thus they get lonely men to sign up. Some tried the "all women are free" approach, and you end up with the PlentyOfFish problem where they don't take it seriously, or abandon profiles.

 

I'm NOT saying the sites are a complete waste, but I am saying they don't bring the success or pool of singles many hope for. I still tell people to either use one on a small level, but to more build social capital so those people bring you to other eligible singles they know.

 

Sorting people by last active date weeds the people out who aren't actively using the site anymore, most or all sites allow that. The pool it brings you is a fairly fast way of finding a bunch of people who meet your criteria. How long would it take me 100+ tall, thin, educated brunette in the real world who are actively seeking relationships? A few months, or if you're going out every night and doing non-stop approaching, maybe a few weeks at best. You can find that pool much more quickly with an online search.

[EnigmaticClarity]

Horndogs will still hit up those women as well.

 

Yea, but women hope it weeds at least some of them out. I just ignore it, it's implied they're looking for a relationship if they're on an online site, the friends thing is just a shield they throw up, they'll be open to romance if you show it to them.

[grkBoy]

Sorting people by last active date weeds the people out who aren't actively using the site anymore, most or all sites allow that.

 

The sites I mentioned have been busted several times for changing that information or hiding it. I'm not making this up. They have been noted and busted/fined even for changing up information and even misleading guys to believe their sites were full of single pretty women.

 

If you have luck in them and meet great people, then awesome. My past experiences showed me they are a waste of time and money. Everyone is different, but I still stand by my words that most people do better in the real world over dating sites.

 

NOW...there are chances one can meet potentials in other online areas. In my past I met more women through Yahoo chat rooms and message boards over dating sites. I think most of it was that we just chatted, got to know one another, and eventually we wanted to meet. We got into things online without any inclination of dating, but it grew to that because as she got to know me, she liked me.

 

 

Yea, but women hope it weeds at least some of them out. I just ignore it, it's implied they're looking for a relationship if they're on an online site, the friends thing is just a shield they throw up, they'll be open to romance if you show it to them.

 

I agree. I just don't like dating sites in general, and would love to see them and the people who join them get the hard truths. That guys show up looking and find it's a sausagefest, or women come in on the big "maybe" mode and suddenly now have to decide to start dating if they want to meet guys.

 

I still love the idea of a "reject" button...so men and women can easily "vanish" from those they just don't want to ever talk to or deal with.

[LittleTiger]

NOW...there are chances one can meet potentials in other online areas. In my past I met more women through Yahoo chat rooms and message boards over dating sites. I think most of it was that we just chatted, got to know one another, and eventually we wanted to meet. We got into things online without any inclination of dating, but it grew to that because as she got to know me, she liked me.

 

This is what I see as half the problem with online dating - people's attitudes to it!

 

What is the difference between meeting people through chat rooms, message boards and dating sites? The only difference I can think of is that men (yes generally men) are expecting the dating sites to lead to sex. That's a huge amount of pressure to put on women who are generally inundated with contacts from men and it creates a totally different social atmosphere - hence you get women saying they are just looking for 'friends'.

 

With chat rooms and message boards, if something develops it's seen as a bonus. Women therefore don't feel 'pressured' and interactions are consequently much more relaxed - why not view dating sites in the same way? Why not see these sites as just another way to meet women? From what I've read on LS over the years I'd say a lot of guys would benefit greatly from having some practice at normal social interaction with women - without the need or desire to have sex with them.

 

We're all socialising via the internet these days so why pigeon-hole a particular method of meeting people and say it doesn't work, just because the expectations you place on it are way too high?

[EnigmaticClarity]

We're all socialising via the internet these days so why pigeon-hole a particular method of meeting people and say it doesn't work, just because the expectations you place on it are way too high?

 

Yea this is the major problem I see in people. Once your expectations are in line, if you're a good communicator online dating can become quite easy.

 

From an attractiveness perspective online dating sites seem to attract mostly average people as well in the 3 to 7 range, which is great if that's where you're looking to date anyway. Extremely good-looking people seem to avoid it--presumably because they're not seeing people like themselves or due to the social stigma attached to it--and extremely unattractive people similarly seem to avoid it, I presume because they find it intimidating.

 

Another thing about online dating is that I find I'm MUCH pickier in what I'm looking for because the format allows you to be. A girl I might approach in a social situation when she's one of the four nicest women in the room probably gets regularly passed when she's just one more in a sea of dozens or hundreds of people in a set of search results.

[LittleTiger]

From an attractiveness perspective online dating sites seem to attract mostly average people as well in the 3 to 7 range, which is great if that's where you're looking to date anyway. Extremely good-looking people seem to avoid it--presumably because they're not seeing people like themselves or due to the social stigma attached to it--and extremely unattractive people similarly seem to avoid it, I presume because they find it intimidating.

 

I think you see mostly average people online because that's what most people are - 'average' - hence the word!

 

Very good looking people do use online dating and so do very unattractive people - but there are considerably less of them - and the good looking people don't stay single for long.

 

It's actually a great place for 'above average' women to look for dates, provided they're not overly concerned with meeting a Brad Pitt lookalike. The sheer number of contacts alone gives them an almost limitless supply of men to interact with.

[EnigmaticClarity]

I think you see mostly average people online because that's what most people are - 'average' - hence the word!

 

I don't see "average" people online, I see above-average--I think many "average" people are too intimidated to try it or even THINK about trying it. Anytime I go to Wal-Mart or the supermarket I see 5 to 15 people immediately who are waaaay worse-looking than the vast, VAST majority of people I ever see on the online sites. Supposedly 60% of Americans are obese, but online, it seems like less than a third are.

[grkBoy]

This is what I see as half the problem with online dating - people's attitudes to it!

 

What is the difference between meeting people through chat rooms, message boards and dating sites? The only difference I can think of is that men (yes generally men) are expecting the dating sites to lead to sex. That's a huge amount of pressure to put on women who are generally inundated with contacts from men and it creates a totally different social atmosphere - hence you get women saying they are just looking for 'friends'.

 

With chat rooms and message boards, if something develops it's seen as a bonus. Women therefore don't feel 'pressured' and interactions are consequently much more relaxed - why not view dating sites in the same way? Why not see these sites as just another way to meet women? From what I've read on LS over the years I'd say a lot of guys would benefit greatly from having some practice at normal social interaction with women - without the need or desire to have sex with them.

 

We're all socialising via the internet these days so why pigeon-hole a particular method of meeting people and say it doesn't work, just because the expectations you place on it are way too high?

 

I agree with you, and even wish more people used the dating sites simply as a connection point...and not as a catalog of products. I think this is why I and others have had more success on chat rooms, forums, and social networks...simply because we were not coming off to others as "looking for love". We just were being sociable and many fell for us because they liked the people we were.

[LittleTiger]

Ok, I think I'm a little confused by your posts. Initally you said this:

 

From an attractiveness perspective online dating sites seem to attract mostly average people as well in the 3 to 7 range, which is great if that's where you're looking to date anyway. Extremely good-looking people seem to avoid it--presumably because they're not seeing people like themselves or due to the social stigma attached to it--and extremely unattractive people similarly seem to avoid it, I presume because they find it intimidating.

 

....and now you say this?

 

I don't see "average" people online, I see above-average--I think many "average" people are too intimidated to try it or even THINK about trying it. Anytime I go to Wal-Mart or the supermarket I see 5 to 15 people immediately who are waaaay worse-looking than the vast, VAST majority of people I ever see on the online sites. Supposedly 60% of Americans are obese, but online, it seems like less than a third are.

 

Did I misunderstand something?

 

I suppose there is some element of self-selection, especially in relation to confidence. Obese people are probably less likely to put themselves in the dating arena to begin with, online or otherwise, based solely on lack of confidence. In general though, I think there's a fair representation of all levels of looks on these sites. It's just a shame that looks have to be the 'bait' in online dating.

 

As I said earlier, if people approached dating sites in the same way as they do chat rooms etc, looks would become far less important and everybody would have much greater success meeting like-minded people with whom they are compatible.

[oaks]

What is the difference between meeting people through chat rooms, message boards and dating sites?

 

I 'expect' (since you used that word) that people I try to meet from dating sites are available to date and are interested in going on dates. I hope that I can add "with me" to the end of that. And I expect that that is the primary reason why they are on dating sites, not to make platonic friends, not to have another social networking site to check from their phone, not to whine and bitch and gossip in forums with virtual friends, not to do the tests and quizzes (at least, not to do those things as the primary reason for being there). That's very different from the people I might find on Facebook or other online places (including here, where we do a fine line in whining, bitching and gossiping, and some people even make friends).

 

The only difference I can think of is that men (yes generally men) are expecting the dating sites to lead to sex. That's a huge amount of pressure to put on women who are generally inundated with contacts from men and it creates a totally different social atmosphere - hence you get women saying they are just looking for 'friends'.

 

Yes, generally, but not all men, or at least there's a difference between just looking for sex and looking for a relationship while also believing that sex is an important part of one. Are these women who are just looking for opposite-sex 'friends' on dating sites expecting to be celibate?

[LittleTiger]

I agree with you, and even wish more people used the dating sites simply as a connection point...and not as a catalog of products. I think this is why I and others have had more success on chat rooms, forums, and social networks...simply because we were not coming off to others as "looking for love". We just were being sociable and many fell for us because they liked the people we were.

 

If you agree, then why do you so strongly object to women on dating sites saying that they're looking for 'friends'? Shouldn't everybody advertise themselves as looking for friends and just see what happens?

 

To me it's the people who say they're just looking for long term relationships who are the ones to avoid. There's nothing wrong with saying, friends and dating and long term relationships because that, at least, acknowledges there are stages of relationships that may or may not lead to something more.

 

Meeting up with someone who is just looking for a long term relationship, or even just interacting with them online, is like being interviewed for a job you're not even sure you want. Waaay too much pressure!

 

The 'rules' of online dating can be whatever people choose them to be, so if someone wants to use them to socialise with the opposite sex, regardless of whether it leads to a LTR, then why not?

[EnigmaticClarity]

Did I misunderstand something?

 

Nah, I was unclear. I have a stringent 1 to 10 scale--I save room at the top to nitpick the superhotties. I rate the average person as a 4, whereas most people probably give them a 5. Using the type of scale most people do, I find most people online are about 4 (slightly below-average) to 8 (VERY attractive but not model or top-end actress hot). Very unattractive people seem to avoid online...I guess rejection is tough no matter whether it comes from someone who shoots you down in high school to people who just won't respond to your emails online.

[fortyninethousand322]

If you agree, then why do you so strongly object to women on dating sites saying that they're looking for 'friends'? Shouldn't everybody advertise themselves as looking for friends and just see what happens?

 

To me it's the people who say they're just looking for long term relationships who are the ones to avoid. There's nothing wrong with saying, friends and dating and long term relationships because that, at least, acknowledges there are stages of relationships that may or may not lead to something more.

 

Meeting up with someone who is just looking for a long term relationship, or even just interacting with them online, is like being interviewed for a job you're not even sure you want. Waaay too much pressure!

 

The 'rules' of online dating can be whatever people choose them to be, so if someone wants to use them to socialise with the opposite sex, regardless of whether it leads to a LTR, then why not?

 

The problem I have with looking for "friends" on OLD is that when it comes time to actually meet I don't want to be on totally different pages. I go on there to find dates not hang outs. And, my issue was not with women explicitly saying "I'm here for strictly friendship" or "friends first then see what happens"; I was expressing frustration with women who simply list "friends" as what they were looking for without adding any kind of clarification at all.

[oaks]

The 'rules' of online dating can be whatever people choose them to be, so if someone wants to use them to socialise with the opposite sex, regardless of whether it leads to a LTR, then why not?

 

Because just looking for friends is just looking for friends. It isn't dating.