Eternal Sunshine Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 I am just curious.... People talk about "knowing". About having that gut feeling. It has never happened to me.
denise_xo Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 I think when people say that, it's just an expression of infatuation or limerence. Being in love puts you in that state of feeling. I think real and long term compatibility can only be assessed once the butterflies are gone. If the compatibility is still there at that point, you can retrospectively say that 'I knew', but I think they are actually two different processes that sometimes match up, and sometimes not.
LittleTiger Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 Yes! There was something different about the way we interacted right from the start. I can't put my finger on it or give any kind of explanation. We both just felt it was right - and it was!
LittleTiger Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 I think when people say that, it's just an expression of infatuation or limerence. Being in love puts you in that state of feeling. I think real and long term compatibility can only be assessed once the butterflies are gone. If the compatibility is still there at that point, you can retrospectively say that 'I knew', but I think they are actually two different processes that sometimes match up, and sometimes not. I disagree denise - I have been infatuated with men I 'knew' were not right for me. It's totally different. The 'knowing' is not just a 'feeling' and, although it happens fairly quickly, it doesn't happen immediately. For me it was a sort of dawning of awareness that this man and I 'fitted' each other. He once described us as 'a pea and a bean in a pod', which makes total sense to me. We're complete individuals and unique in our way but we sit well 'together'.
denise_xo Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 I disagree denise - I have been infatuated with men I 'knew' were not right for me. It's totally different. The 'knowing' is not just a 'feeling' and, although it happens fairly quickly, it doesn't happen immediately. For me it was a sort of dawning of awareness that this man and I 'fitted' each other. He once described us as 'a pea and a bean in a pod', which makes total sense to me. We're complete individuals and unique in our way but we sit well 'together'. Oh, I've been infatuated with men I knew weren't right for me, too! My point is rather that you don't instantly know (and it looks like we're in agreement on this). Of course, from the outset you have an idea about relative degrees of compatibility. I just think the 'I immediately knew' idea is a bit spurious and overly romanticised by many, in a way that obscures rather than explains what's actually going on. But that's just my POV.
LittleTiger Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 Oh, I've been infatuated with men I knew weren't right for me, too! My point is rather that you don't instantly know (and it looks like we're in agreement on this). Of course, from the outset you have an idea about relative degrees of compatibility. I just think the 'I immediately knew' idea is a bit spurious and overly romanticised by many, in a way that obscures rather than explains what's actually going on. But that's just my POV. Yes, I agree. You don't instantly know. That would be impossible because you don't 'know' the person the first time you meet them. However, I do believe it doesn't take long before someone stands out as being 'head and shoulders' above everyone else. My situation is a little different anyway. We met online and talked on skype for several hours a day for two months before we met IRL, so by the time we met for real, we 'knew' that if the chemistry was there, the relationship was going to be long term. We've been together two years now so obviously it was. However, it only took a few phone/skype conversations for us both to 'know' (assuming 100% honesty on both sides) that we had a very special connection - one that was qualitatively different from anything we'd experienced before.
denise_xo Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 (edited) However, it only took a few phone/skype conversations for us both to 'know' (assuming 100% honesty on both sides) that we had a very special connection - one that was qualitatively different from anything we'd experienced before. I've definitely experienced this, too. I guess my point is that you still need to hang on for a bit to really know if it translates into long term compatibility. I'm not talking about the obvious discriminators (one category of 'I see general compatibility at this point' versus 'I already see that this can't work out long term'), but the more subtle things that you discover say, in the first year of getting to know someone. ETA: Another general point I'm trying to get at is that I think the way we recount these things are often affected by hindsight (and I'm not referring to you personally now). I don't say that to undermine anyone's experiences, it's just human and I do it myself. So if it works out, it might easily turn into a tale of 'we just knew from the first minute', if it doesn't work out it becomes a 'oh I was so in love at the beginning but then...' and so on. On a different note, I'm always happy to read your happy-relationship posts It's nice to have some positive stories here on LS. Edited August 29, 2011 by denise_xo
zengirl Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 Well, I've not gotten married or anything, so cannot speak to that dynamic, but I've never instantly "known" whether a guy would work out or not. I tend not to even think that way, though. I have instantly known that a connection existed, that there was something special, but whether or not it would withstand the tests of character and compatibility is never clear right away. Chemistry often is, and chemistry is great, but to me, it's only 1/3 of the equation.
Kamille Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 My mom claims that when she met my father, she just knew. You have no idea how much that messed me up when I started dating. I would mistake infatuation for "knowing", and so, would get way too attached to guys too quickly. Now, I agree with Denise and LittleTiger. When I met bf, I didn't know. In fact, I thought we would be a fling, but soon realized we were compatible, I felt I could tell him anything, I loved how we clicked together and resolved conflicts together. I didn't know, but I never "not knew". I never doubted us. The feeling of certainty that I was in love with him just kept growing over the first year.
denise_xo Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 I have instantly known that a connection existed, that there was something special, but whether or not it would withstand the tests of character and compatibility is never clear right away. Chemistry often is, and chemistry is great, but to me, it's only 1/3 of the equation. This was what I was trying to express, but zengirl did it much clearer
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted August 29, 2011 Author Posted August 29, 2011 I have only ever felt "no way" with 100% certainty. Other than that, I have felt "maybe" and dated those guys until I felt "no way". I just can't see myself ever just knowing - I have met way too many people (in non-romantic context too) that turned out to be a lot different than the first impression.
zengirl Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 I have only ever felt "no way" with 100% certainty. Other than that, I have felt "maybe" and dated those guys until I felt "no way". I just can't see myself ever just knowing - I have met way too many people (in non-romantic context too) that turned out to be a lot different than the first impression. I think it's probably a lot easier to "just know" when you're younger. The truth is, even if someone has a very good people-picker, wonderful judgment, and is usually lucky, they'll be wrong about tons of things in their lives, including romantic situations. I only even would consider that a "problem" if they're consistently wrong about the SAME types of things (then it's a pattern); otherwise, it's just par for the course. And once you're wrong about enough, part of what you learn with age is how little you actually know at any given moment. That said, personally, I don't go through life thinking "maybe" about anything because "maybe" to me = dissonance, worry, doubt, etc. So, I compensate by not thinking about the forever part. Forever builds itself. I work on now.
xxoo Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 I thought we would be a fling, but soon realized we were compatible, I felt I could tell him anything, I loved how we clicked together and resolved conflicts together. That's how it was for me. The feeling of "knowing" grew slowly, but steadily. At the end of our first year, I knew.
carhill Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 (edited) When you started dating your SO, did you just "know"?No, it evolved over a number of months, for me anyway. The 'just know' in my data points, was the feelings of infatuation; wanting to get to know the person better because of the 'chemistry' part of romantic bonding. There was no clear image that 'this is the one'. Edited August 29, 2011 by carhill
Citizen Erased Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 I knew that there was something there, from the way that we were together. Natural, easy, off the wall chemistry. But I didn't know that we'd go through everything that we did and end up married, I would have thought I was crazy if I was already thinking like that.
TuffCookieX Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 I've dated guys who I knew were "right" for me and would have made great husbands, but I never really had strong feelings for. I'm hoping I find a guy like one of you people who had instant attraction and head over heels for. The guys I'm head over heels for are total jackasses.
O'Malley Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 I think when people say that, it's just an expression of infatuation or limerence. Being in love puts you in that state of feeling. I think real and long term compatibility can only be assessed once the butterflies are gone. If the compatibility is still there at that point, you can retrospectively say that 'I knew', but I think they are actually two different processes that sometimes match up, and sometimes not. I agree that it's a notion more reliant on the rush of infatuation. Having great initial chemistry with someone doesn't mean that you're truly compatible or that a solid foundation of friendship will ever develop. I've never thought in terms of soulmates or immediately 'knowing' that I would love an individual, but I've always felt that my boyfriend was someone that I esteemed and wanted to have in my life (we were platonic friends for over a year before we dated). Things have always been consistent, steady and easy between us, never deviating.
make me believe Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 YES, when I met my husband there was just something that was totally different about our chemistry. I mean I literally sucked in my breath the first time I made eye contact with him because it just felt totally intense. It wasn't a physical attraction, like "wow that guy is so hot." It was something I had never felt before and I knew we would have something special. He was my friend's co-worker and I grabbed her arm and said "INTRODUCE US. NOW!" Obviously you can't know for sure that you'll end up together, but I definitely knew I had to get to know him and that there was huge potential there. Now that we are married, people sometimes make comments to us about how we are "freakishly compatible" and stuff like that.
LittleTiger Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 I think a lot of people tend to mistake the feeling of 'infatuation' with 'knowing'. To me they're entirely different things. Infatuation is 'wham, bam, chemistry' and a whirlwind of romantic, crazy feelings. 'Knowing' is much more solid and grounded. For the people who are saying the 'knowing' took a little time, aren't you still admitting that, at some point, you 'just knew'? Isn't there some level of instinct here that tells you this person and this relationship is completely different from all others? I remember watching an interview on TV on Valentine's Day some years ago with a young couple who had just got engaged. This was back when I considered myself happily married. The girl said something that I've never forgotten. When asked how she knew that her fiance was the right man for her, she said: "If I'd never met him, I would have missed the whole point!". Despite being 'happily married' I remember thinking that I didn't have a clue what she was talking about. Within a very short time of meeting my kiwi man, I understood exactly what she meant.
chelle21689 Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 Sometimes your gut feeling is wrong lol...sometimes I tend to over think things and what I'm feeling isn't right. With my first boyfriend of 5 1/2 years we were friends. I thought he was kinda attractive and I wasn't really into him. He liked me and wanted to be with me and I just gave it a chance thinking "Why the hell not?" and got to know him. He seemed to be a good guy and I thought things could last if I only had feelings for him. Probably wasn't a great idea I did that but I was somewhat attracted anyways. I did grow to love him and we had a deep connection. We broke up 8 months ago but we're on good terms and keep in touch and still care about one another. Just different pages and paths on our lives...who knows what will happen one day? The guy I'm currently seeing is still a "Hmm let's see". I don't think you can just KNOW right off the bat whether or not you want to be with them. It takes time...It took me a long time to be comfortable around my new boyfriend because I was really shy of him.
denise_xo Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 For the people who are saying the 'knowing' took a little time, aren't you still admitting that, at some point, you 'just knew'? Isn't there some level of instinct here that tells you this person and this relationship is completely different from all others? For me personally, it's not quite like this. I don't think I ever know fully and completely as an end point. But I knew enough to feel that it was worth to keep investing in. Also, I've never had the 'different from all others' feeling. Maybe that's because I haven't had that many long term relationships.
Bridgey Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 When me and my BF got together it was obvious from the very beginning that we were perfect for each other, and a year and a half later I still feel the same way. The infatuation obviously turned into a stable comfortable feeling, but the feeling of being perfect for each other stayed the same. But we're still young and there is no guarantee we'll stay together for the rest of our lives because anything can happen. But I definitely knew from the start that we would be an amazing couple with long term potential, and so far I've been right
Audrina Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 My boyfriend and I first met online and talked for two years before meeting in person. I remember one day I was on vacation in Venice and it hit me like a ton of bricks -- this man I was talking to was going to be important. Once we met, we both feel like this is it for us, we're going to get married. Of course we may be wrong, but I've never felt that way before (even when I was engaged, I agreed to get married but I didn't have that initial "this man is it for me" feeling).
LittleTiger Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 For me personally, it's not quite like this. I don't think I ever know fully and completely as an end point. But I knew enough to feel that it was worth to keep investing in. Also, I've never had the 'different from all others' feeling. Maybe that's because I haven't had that many long term relationships. I'm not sure I would describe it as an end point exactly. This suggests to me that the relationship will endure forever because it was 'meant to be' and, as we all know, it doesn't matter how great things are at any given point in time (eg the time you decide that you 'know') it still takes a lot of work on both sides to keep things on track. I suppose, for me, it's a sort of knowing that the person, and your relationship with them, is extraordinary, special, different etc and 'knowing' that he/she/it is worth dedicating yourself to in the long term. I've only had two LT serious relationships myself - my exH and my current man. I had lots of shorter term relationships before I got married and a fling or two in between my LTRs. Although my ex and my kiwi man are poles apart in every way, there was/is something which makes my relationships with both of them stand out as significantly different. I couldn't put my finger on it or explain it so I put it down to instinctively 'knowing'.
Woggle Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 It wasn't instant but a few hours into the date it hit me that I really was getting feelings for her.
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