solobeary Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 We're both 25, both each other's first serious relationship. 4 years together. He's been unhappy this year because he's hasn't got full time work, I tried to encourage him to keep putting himself out there, but he'd get angry at me when I suggeted that and I didn't really know how to keep encouraging him, I felt like I was walking on egg shells talking about it, he totally closed up even though all I wanted was for him to be happy, we had enough money and I didn't care what he did as long as he was happy. I was just quietly supportive and hoped things would get better. During our relationship, most of the time we were together was lovely, but he has really low self esteem, never made me feel as secure or loved as I made him feel him, and in the back of my mind I knew we'd probably end with him ****ing me over, but I didn't want to believe it Then he went overseas on a ten week holiday because he "needed space". I asked a million times whether this was his way of breaking up with me, he said no a million times. He sent me emails about how much he missed me every day. Then he kissed the first girl that payed any attention to him, and called me and said he knew he was just going to keep hurting me and we broke up. I was a total idiot and begged him to come back and work things out with me, I apologised for everything bad I'd ever done (little things like not appreciating him enough) but he kept pulling away until it was obvious it was over. We're still attracted to each other (he told me he had an amazing sex dream about me after we broke up. I know, WTF? Mixed messages...), always had a good sex life. But he continued to act like a dickhead after the break up: mixed messages, being really cold with me, crumbs, he lied to me about not being in contact with the girl he kissed any more when he was actually sending her dumb flirty emails, etc.). When I finally had enough and went no contact he sent me messages saying that I was the most important person in the world to him and he'd be crushed if we didn't remain friends (WTF????). But I knew if I'd have replied he would have been rude to me again. Obviously, I need to go no contact for a very, very long time. I sent him an email on Monday to explain why I was going to go no contact. Until he turned evil, we'd always had an very honest relationship and I wanted to finish that by sending him a last email explaining why I was going NC. I said that I can't have any contact with him because any reminder of him makes me mourn what we had together and could have had together, and the person I thought he was. That I can't be friends with him, because I can't just turn my feelings off. That I can't trust him not to hurt me or lie to me, even as a friend. That I'm disappointed in him for being so immature. He replied and finally admitted how bad he'd treated me during all of this, and semi-apologised. Then he said that the break up was his fault and nothing to do with me and he's sorry (he was trying to blame it on my issues whilst completely ignoring his own for a long time). He said he wished he was more mature, and wants to be friends, but understands that he ****ed up and so we can't be friends. Then he said that he still thinks about me all the time and has a picture of me next to a picture of his family on the wall (WTF?). Since that (which was a few weeks ago) he emails me about once every five days. Just tiny, pointless emails. He doesn't talk about his life because I said I don't want to hear about it. Just links to websites I might like, or questions that don't seem particularly important about practical stuff. I only reply to the questions, with short, to the point responses. E.g. he asked where I bought our old sheet set from, I replied with the link. I don't want to be the bitch who goes completely no contact. The emails don't upset me too much, they make me a little sad and I usually type up a sad, angry response and then post it to the "post here instead" thread on LS, and then reply to him with a very short answer. In a way the emails give me a tiny ego boost, and a tiny bit of power replying with something so short. Anyway, I'd just love to hear some outside opinions on the contact, and also the story in general. You guys are great. Am I weak for not completely cutting him out of my life and blocking his email? Should I go 100% no contact? Anyway, I'm assuming he's going to run out of questions to ask pretty soon, so things will be 100% no contact then. But I just would really like some advice/comments on the story from you guys. Anyone in a similar situation?
Author solobeary Posted August 29, 2011 Author Posted August 29, 2011 Thanks for your reply. You're right, I should go hardcore no contact, and I am in a completely crazy head space. I know I shouldn't be with him, but I can't help hoping he'll email. I need to get past that. God, this is so tough.
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