gbadboy Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 This is regards to my gay relationship btw... My ex and I broke up in February. We broke up mainly because he had recently got a night job working at a gay club, which I wasn't happy about. One night he got really drunk and made out with 3 guys in the basement of the club. I was furious b/c obviously we were together, but I forgave him. My only request was that he quit that job - and when he refused, we ended it. We however maintained a weird friendship kind of thing in March/April. I say weird b/c we were broken up, but we stilll hung out one on one sometimes.....but we were never intimate at all. Granted he wanted to get back together, but I told him I couldn't as long as you work at that gay club. In all fairness, after we broke up, I did have a series of hook ups with people - I did so as a single person. In any event, he finally quit the club and we were going to try to work it out but he eventually found about my hooking up with ppl. I believe it was wrong for him to accues me of cheating because we had broken up already and I was single. To call that cheating would be unfair I believe. Anyway, we decided to keep it as a friends and we respected our boundaries and hung out this time in social groups only. Note - he became close to my circle of friends and became part of our group....so we would all hang out as a group. In July he asked me to come out for his bday. I was hesitant given I was the "ex" but I decided to go. HE got really drunk at the club and started to dance very very very vulgar and erotic with this guy he was "checking" after we broke up. I dont know the extent of their relationship but I know they went out on a few dates. Anyway, he has every right to talk to whomever, but I think it was out of place to dance vulgar and sexual with that person RIGHT in front of me. Out of respect for me and given im there to celebrate your birthday it was wrong. So I got upset. And he saw and told me to "relax" and he kept on dancing vulgar. The other guy knew it was gettin to me! So I just left! I was upset and I didn’t need that nonsense...so I left. Next day he phones me countless times and I ignored his calls up until late afternoon. He apologized and asked me to come out the following night. I refused at first but gave in given it was his birthday weekend. I said Id come out the following night but that that doesn't mean im still not upset! Anyway, we had a great night following...I arranged for free admission for everyone, bought 2 bottles of grey goose vodka, bought food for everyone and tried to show everyone a good time. And i wasn't even his bf! The night was great though. Next day he phones me at work wanting to work things out but I couldn't discuss that as I was in the office and I was of course still upset at what he did with that guy. We ended up texting each other b/c I couldn't talk on the phone and he wanted me to either be with him NOW or NEVER. I didnt feel it was right to give me such an ultimatium and that it was bad timing to want to get back with me while we are fighting due to that stunt he pulled with that guy. Nevertheless he persisted for answer. NOW or never! And I told him i cant say "now" b/c i need to cool off. He continued to persist and i finally said never - out of anger and frustration (via text). This is where it get's problematic....... The minute I said never, he did a complete 360 and cut me off. He told my friend he is done with me and said how he followed his heart to ask me out again and i declined and therefore its I that destroyed us. He believes the incident at the club was not a reason to decline him. 5 days later after I cooled off and reflected and took some alone time for myself (went to my parents place for the weekend). The Monday following I phoned him back but he ignored me. DIdnt reply to any of my texts or phone calls. I realize we all need to learn to "say what we mean and mean what we say" and while I admit I should not have said "never" - I didnt mean it. I said it out of anger. And when ppl are angry we say the wrong things. Im human and I made a mistake and he doesn't understand the context in which I said it. We all make mistakes, and he's made mistakes too which I forgave. Anyway, I should have not allowed my anger to cloud my judgement. I have to live with that mistake now - but at the same time, he should truly know I didnt mean it. Because if i meant it, i would not have contacted him back 5 days later to work it out (after i got over my anger). However, his reply was "Why should I take you back now when a week ago, I asked you back out and you said no? You had your chance and you screwed up". It hurt to hear that b/c , had I not loved him, the club incident would not have bothered me in the first place! And i wouldn't have thought twice contacting him back if I truly meant it. I never meant it! But, I have now accepted the relationship is over. I made a mistake and I accept it. (I wish he could see his errors too though). WHen someone tells me he is done, then I'll pursue a bit but ill stop. And I have stopped. I dont text or call him anymore. In fact, i would prefer to be his friend rather than not have him in my life anymore. Why? Because we share the same group of friends..so its awkward for everyone. Ive seen him 3 times this month at social events and he doesn't speak to me at all. He ignores me like im invisible but he is buddy buddy with all my other friends. It hurts me so much because I love him. One of my friends in particular is also his friend so I asked my friend to talk sense into him. My friend has been trying to do so, but my ex tells him that he is "punishing me" for what I did. On top of that, my ex maintains communication with my own brother. He is nice to everyone but me. He parties it up with everyone but ignores me like I dont exisit. Its so painful. I cry almost every night. Clearly he is angry - angry at me. He is angry at me because he went out on a limb to ask me out again and I declined and he's hurt/angry about that. He feels I should have said yes right there and then and because I didnt, I therefore have to punish. Anyway, im trying to at least be his friend. Im ok being his friend to a degree. I will take that if i cant have anything else. But he told my friend he cannot be my friend right now because doing so would result in him getting "sucked" back into me and he's afraid I will hurt him again. I can see his point. My friend also asked him why does he (my ex) talk to my brother still if him and I are truly DONE , and my ex replied he keeps in touch with my brother in the event him and I become friends again. Last night i saw him at a house party and we say hi and bye but thats it. He ignores me and it kills me. My friends tried to put us on the balcony together but it was jus awkward. He refuses to speak to me. He is so angry at me. I suppose the golden light is, he did tell my friend that he will contact me eventually and that we could be friends in the future. That gives me hope. I suppose the advice I need is what do I do in the meantime? I know for a fact, I wont push the friendship anymore....I dont call or text and haven't for a month and wont do that. I want to go NC (No contact) but its tough b/c we have the same circle of friends and while it does pain me and while i do get jealous they hang with him also - i suppose its a benefit he is around them rather than other ppl. My friend told me him “hanging around” my friends Should “mean something”… I think I should just keep away and avoid him at all costs - until he's ready to finally be my friend again. He is 23 and im 32. He has a stubborn personality which aches me! If you dont love me or want me and dont want to get back with me, then shouldn't you be able to be my friend? After all, exs can be friends if there is no love there anymore. So maybe the fact that he cant be my friend means he still has feelings for me? If he has feelings for me and I for him, we should work it out! But he is afraid I will hurt him! Its not like we lost feelings for each other (if that was the case all hope is gone) – on the contrary our feelings are intense – too intense right now and the hurt is there and maybe I need to keep away for a while. People tell me the fact that he is so angry means he truly does care for you - b/c if he didnt care , me "declining" him wouldn't upset him as much and he would be ok to be my friend instantly. So that gives me hope. I was glad when my friend told me last night that my ex hopes to be friends with me sometime in the future. Thoughts?
katie.x Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 I feel you are right in saying that he does care or he won't be so mad. If he really didn't care for you then I think he'd be more just 'meh' towards you rather than trying to make sure he ignores you, which is what it sounds like he's doing. I think he is EXTREMELY immature, the fact he cheated on you and then tried to have a go at you for hooking up with other while single is clear signs on guilt. My ex did the same thing, I questioned him about jumping into a new relationship so quickly after we broke up and his response 'I know that you've been on dates with guys!". It sounds like your ex wanted to shift blame from himself, or more justify his own wrong behaviour. Then the fact you made more effort in his life (going to his birthday nights) when he'd mistreated you, and then mistreated you again, shows you have a kind heart and you really care for him. Whilst I have said he does care about you, I think you care about him more than he cares about you, even though you were mistreated numerous times by him. So when you say you want to go NC but can't, do you mean this is only because you have the same friend group? Make sure you are not texting, calling or facebooking at all, he should be the one to come back to you and chase you after how he mistreated you. In the end it's your choice if you want to be with him in the future as you mentioned he's made a comment he will speak to you at some point. Right now you do because you still love him, but he sounds like a douche to me, though I don't know him personally of course. He doesn't really sound like someone you should be with but maybe you have a lovely wonderful relationship whilst together that is enough to get you through the negative time you have been through. And lastly, I do not think you did anything wrong by answering his pestering you with 'never'. He couldn't respect you were at work and couldn't really talk, he was being selfish and keep pushing you, making you mad and maybe you just wanted to end that conversation to focus on your work like you were meant to be doing.
Author gbadboy Posted August 29, 2011 Author Posted August 29, 2011 Thank you Katie for taking the time to read my story! To answer your question, I want to go NC but given we share some of the same friends, it is tough to avoid him. I don't want to ask my friends to choose between us (even though sometimes i suggest that to them...of course I dont want to ask ppl to choose). I think going foward I need to find out if he will be present at any events we attend and just not go. I'm also telling my friends not to mention anything about him to me - I'd rather not know if they hung out with him the night before etc. etc. Last night example was a friend's party but the guy is more my friend and my ex doesn't really know him - yet he showed up at the party! And my ex knew I was going to go. Yet when im there, he completely ignores me. Im not asking for his hand in marriage - just to be nice to me. If you dont want me, then I accept that. I wont cross that line. But how can you be dancing and cheersing and joking with everyone and then ignore me like im not alive? Anyway! This all boils down to his anger. His behaviour is stemmed by his anger. And to hold that whole "never" against me was a matter of pestering as you say. You are absolutely right. He kept buggin me all day at work and I really just needed some alone time. He should realize that I still came out on the 2nd night of his bday to show him a good time even though i was upset , and now that his bday was over, i jus wanted a few days to cool off. Last thing I need is an utlimatium from you. Him being all over that dude HURT me . WOuld my ex like if I did that? No way. People need to put themselves in other people's shoes. I totally understand and get why he's upset at the NEver thing. Fine - I get it. But my hope is that he'll one day understand the context in which I said it and use that as a pathway to at least re-build a friendship with me. Thanks again for your thoughts!
Recommended Posts