nrtgu Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 There is much to be spoken here and too many details to throw out all at once so I will start with the general and work my way into the details First off, I have never been one to “reach out” for help with my problems but I have scoured some threads here and I am seeing a good group of caring people. It’s enough to make me venture out and brush the ego aside. Two months ago I received a text from my wife while standing in a line at the time clock with approximately 100 other mill workers ready to leave for the day stating that she had left me and taken the kids to a friend’s house, that I was not to call her and she would talk to me in three days. I was able to maintain my composure long enough to get into my truck before some of the instant shock wore off, finding myself devastated and sobbing behind the steering wheel. The only thing I could think of in a response back to her (text) was to tell the kids I love them and that daddy misses them. For the next few weeks thereafter I made every mistake mentioned by every book and sane individual out there. Shameful pleas, working the friends and family, guilt trips, etc. Sometimes I received favorable responses like “I want to see long term goodness from you first” or “I am not ready to cave in yet”, etc. It has all been nipped in the butt and I am trying to keep all my emotional cards close to the chest going on several weeks now. Background – My wife and I have known each other for almost 16 years now, been together for 7 and married for 4. She was married twice before me and she was my first marriage. Her previous two were ended due to abuse and cheating by the men. She has a daughter from the second marriage whom is now 12 years old and exhibits a very large range of emotional issues…later on that one. We have two boys together 5 and 3 with the youngest currently being tested for autism with symptoms that are getting progressively worse. We were that couple in the beginning years that made everyone sick to their stomachs. Extremely happy and the best of friends. I was a business owner up until 2008 when we were forced to close it down due to the economic downturn. We lost our home and incurred massive amounts of business and personal debt but it seemed as though we persisted through it. A decision was made for us to move 2,000 miles to the west coast to help us start new but things did not go as planned and I was left unemployed for nearly 2 years until May of this year. The last couple of years are what I know has taken its toll on our relationship and I know every mistake I made along the way. Specifically the areas I failed in supporting my wife in the areas that she needed it and instead allowing my own selfishness get in the way. In short, I took the relationship for granted and treated her issues as insignificant in comparison to mine. There weren’t any knock down arguments here or anything physical, it came down to us both being depressed due to the current financial situation and my own ego as a man in not being able to provide for my family. Her out - Earlier this year she joined a roller derby team which I fully supported. I specifically state this because I did and do support everything she has ever wanted to do. Unfortunately, some things had to wait due to finances. Getting back to the point, my job was going well and finally I thought we were going to be able do the things we wanted to do and the pressure of finances would be lifted. Every text, every e-mail, every call, was “I love You”, etc, etc. We have always been very good to each other. Well I was furlough for a period of 7 days with a weekend in the middle of that. She remained positive throughout telling me not to worry I would get the call to go back. It took two years to land a job, so yes, I was stressed. Well I received the call to go back to work and for a couple days things were good. My wife planned my breaks to call and my lunch to come out and bring me coffee. She wanted to see me and talk to me. At the time she worked per diem as a nurse aid so when we were both at work she had a friend come over to watch the boys. Then one day a new woman came into our lives. A name I never heard of from her derby team. She was at the house the very next day watching my boys at the house. New patterns of behavior began forming with my wife after this. Excessive texting and facebook time along with a noticeable “flip-of-the-switch” downturn in her behavior towards me. Basically a complete withdrawal. I did what anyone would do and that was press for answers. Not physically or argumentatively but I pressed the, “What is going on?” question a few times. I called her parents concerned asking if they had ever known her to do this (we get along very well). None of it made any sense. I came home early once and the woman watching my kids had barely two words to say to me, couldn’t look me in the eye and left promptly. I found it very odd. I asked my wife when she came home what she thought of it and she said not to worry, she is a diehard lesbian and absolutely hates men. Okay…no flags yet here though. My mind was simply not there yet. TEN DAYS. It took ten days from the introduction of this woman into my life to the day my wife moved out. This woman has been with my wife now ever since. She does not work. She watches my boys, I have had three words with her and the only thing I have to go on is the fact that I want to trust my wife. She sits in the car and is with my wife nearly every single time my wife comes over to drop the kids off. Not once has she ever lifted her head up to look at me yet I am still assured by my wife to not worry. My wife has since found a place to live and this woman lives with her and my kids. They sleep in the same bed…fully clothed I am told by my wife and that there is NOTHING going on between them. Women is that possible? I understand woman treat friends much differently than men do but really? My most recent statement from her is that “this is not going to be a quick thing and I am sorry but there is a possibility of me being better like this and not coming back” to which I responded “I appreciate your honesty and that I hope I have an honest chance of showing her that I can be that person who makes her happy in life”. Her response was “thank you for telling me that. It helps”. Decode all that if you will. The short, because I am short on time tonight, is that I want my family together. She is a wonderfully funny and loving person, strong and stubborn, and of course I love her with all that I am. I have bought a couple books and even a “get your wife back program”. I am determined but my number one fear in all this is that I will not be afforded the “normal” chance of winning my wife back given the added element of this other woman. Any initial advice or insight would be greatly appreciated!
Steadfast Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 (edited) I suspect your wife has been unhappy for some time...certainly a reaction to the issues you've faced as a family and the children's in particular. It's very possible and even likely she has been searching for an out, and when the rolling lesbo came into the picture, just enough support and/or interest was given to allow your wife to think she could make it better. Combine this with her 'friend's' almost certain agreement regarding your martial issues. She found a confidant and slowly worked her into the picture. The 'sudden switch' you felt was your wife's decision to bail. The support system for leaving you was in place, making it time to pull the trigger. As for her GF's behavior, it's hard for most people to look you in the eye when they're stabbing you in the back. The picture your wife has painted of you likely hasn't helped her opinion, but most specifically, you are probably viewed as an enemy of their relationship. Their roadblock to happiness. My most recent statement from her is that “this is not going to be a quick thing and I am sorry but there is a possibility of me being better like this and not coming back” to which I responded “I appreciate your honesty and that I hope I have an honest chance of showing her that I can be that person who makes her happy in life”. Her response was “thank you for telling me that. It helps”. Decode all that if you will.Some very conventional 'cheaters behavior' is evident here. She's not exactly crazy about the arrangement, so it's in her best interest to keep you available in case the whole thing comes apart or she changes her mind. Because of that, she'll deny the sexual relationship and continue to throw you breadcrumbs out of fear that you'll give up and leave for good. This is to your advantage. That, and a legal right to your children. Right now she's calling all the shots, but it does not work that way. You need to take the power back and move to enforce the rights that are legally yours. To that end, see an attorney or a case worker and get the process rolling. In my opinion, the best chance of saving your relationship means giving it up. She has already withdrawn and physically left, all the while knowing what that would do to your emotionally. It is human nature to look inside with guilt ("what have I done to cause this?") but I assure you that unless you have been abusive to her and the children, you did not deserve it. Call her bluff and file for divorce. Allow her current world to fully support her and see if it has the legs to do so. Let her sink or swim. If her affair can sustain, you were screwed anyway and have a leg up on healing and rebuilding your life. If it doesn't, she may come back. You'll have new decisions to make at that point. If you do reconcile, better get to the root of the problem or it'll happen again. Being divorced twice, she has the advantage of experience. Edited August 29, 2011 by Steadfast
Steadfast Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 I suspect your wife has been unhappy for some time...certainly a reaction to the issues you've faced as a family and the children's in particular. It's very possible and even likely she has been searching for an out, and when the rolling lesbo came into the picture, just enough support and/or interest was given to allow your wife to think she could make it better. Combine this with her 'friend's' almost certain agreement regarding your martial issues. She found a confidant and slowly worked her into the picture. The 'sudden switch' you felt was your wife's decision to bail. The support system for leaving you was in place, making it time to pull the trigger. As for her GF's behavior, it's hard for most people to look you in the eye when they're stabbing you in the back. The picture your wife has painted of you likely hasn't helped her opinion, but most specifically, you are probably viewed as an enemy of their relationship. Their roadblock to happiness. My most recent statement from her is that “this is not going to be a quick thing and I am sorry but there is a possibility of me being better like this and not coming back” to which I responded “I appreciate your honesty and that I hope I have an honest chance of showing her that I can be that person who makes her happy in life”. Her response was “thank you for telling me that. It helps”. Decode all that if you will. Some very conventional 'cheaters behavior' is evident here. She's not exactly crazy about the arrangement, so it's in her best interest to keep you available in case the whole thing comes apart or she changes her mind. Because of that, she'll deny the sexual relationship and continue to throw you breadcrumbs out of fear that you'll give up and leave for good. This is to your advantage. That, and a legal right to your children. Right now she's calling all the shots, but it does not work that way. You need to take the power back and move to enforce the rights that are legally yours. To that end, see an attorney or a case worker and get the process rolling. In my opinion, the best chance of saving your relationship means giving it up. She has already withdrawn and physically left, all the while knowing what that would do to your emotionally. It is human nature to look inside with guilt ("what have I done to cause this?") but I assure you that unless you have been abusive to her and the children, you did not deserve it. Call her bluff and file for divorce. Allow her current world to fully support her and see if it has the legs to do so. Let her sink or swim. If her affair can sustain, you were screwed anyway and have a leg up on healing and rebuilding your life. If it doesn't, she may come back. You'll new decisions at that point. If you do, better get to the root of the problem or it'll happen again. Being divorced twice, she has the advantage of experience.
Sooner or Later Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 Your wife and her new friend are lovers--trust me on this one. No doubt in my mind they are together in every sense. There is also nothing you can do about her at the moment--focus on you and the time you get with your children. I agree with Steadfast: Contact a lawyer and take your power back in this situation. You cannot ask/beg/plead for someone to be with you, but you can take a certain level of control in deciding your future from here on in.
andyg99 Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 In my opinion, the best chance of saving your relationship means giving it up. She has already withdrawn and physically left, all the while knowing what that would do to your emotionally. It is human nature to look inside with guilt ("what have I done to cause this?") but I assure you that unless you have been abusive to her and the children, you did not deserve it. Call her bluff and file for divorce. Allow her current world to fully support her and see if it has the legs to do so. Let her sink or swim. If her affair can sustain, you were screwed anyway and have a leg up on healing and rebuilding your life. If it doesn't, she may come back. You'll new decisions at that point. If you do, better get to the root of the problem or it'll happen again. Being divorced twice, she has the advantage of experience. OP - please, please, please read the above advice over and over until you follow it! I know right now that it goes against all your instincts but it's the best advice you'll get. It's like flying a plane at twilight when you can't see the horizon, your instincts and your balance are telling you do do one thing (which will lead you to crash and die) but you have to trust the instruments... if you stay strong you'll come out better no matter what she decides...
AudentesFortuna Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 In my opinion, the best chance of saving your relationship means giving it up. She has already withdrawn and physically left, all the while knowing what that would do to your emotionally. It is human nature to look inside with guilt ("what have I done to cause this?") but I assure you that unless you have been abusive to her and the children, you did not deserve it. Call her bluff and file for divorce. Allow her current world to fully support her and see if it has the legs to do so. Let her sink or swim. If her affair can sustain, you were screwed anyway and have a leg up on healing and rebuilding your life. If it doesn't, she may come back. You'll new decisions at that point. If you do, better get to the root of the problem or it'll happen again. Being divorced twice, she has the advantage of experience. WOW. Seriously, this is the single best bit of advice I have read here, and I have read plenty of good advice.
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