Contacted by "OW" but is she lying?

[sterlingsilver]

A few weeks ago while my SO was on a business trip, I received a phone call from a girl claiming to be my live-in boyfriends girlfriend. She claimed they had been together for 5 years. She knew a ton about him and his lifestyle patterns (he is in music & works very odd hours) and claimed a LOT of things.

Upon confronting him, he claimed that she was lying. She was a good friend (I had in fact heard of her before, but never met her) and of course she knew all this stuff about him. He had a key to her house (I witnessed her use it off his key-chain when I met up with her to hear this story). To this his response was that he had had to go over there and do something for her when she wasn't home, and had just kept it so she had a friend nearby with a spare key. Other than the key she did not present me with any solid proof other than being very convincing.

My SO is a very good "manager" he does it in work and in life. I have spent the last few weeks trying to determine if I believe him or her, or if there is some truth in the middle. I don't know how to figure it out. He claims she lied to try and break us up so she would have a shot with him. But according to him before this all happened she had a long term boyfriend, who now apparently doesn't exist.

I am also noticing little things he lies about. He says he got free clothes through work but then I find receipts for them (we are struggling financially, so I don't know where he gets the money to purchase these items). I also found reciepts from another business trip where he used debit to pay, but he does not have a debit card, only pre-paid visa? (not sure if that would show up as debit). He gets mad at me when I call too much and feels as though i am checking in on him?

I love him and we have been together on and off for the past 2 years, but I don't want to be lied to and I don't want to be used and/or cheated on. I'm feeling very confused and can't find any solid evidence of anything.

Any suggestions or thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

[2sunny]

seems he's in the habit of lying about little things - which means he will also lie about big things.

 

IF you really want his truth - tell him you may consider staying if he passes a lie detector test.

 

 

just having to wonder is enough to get rid of him.

[sterlingsilver]

I'm fairly sure he will refuse to take a poly, even if he is telling the truth.

 

Also, forgot to mention that it came out he 'may' have a 3 yr old child. He apparently found out last year and has been waiting to take a paternity test. This other girl told me about it and claimed they'd already done the test, but he says when he gets the money together he is going to do it. (he can pay $300 for shoes but not a paternity test???) he's apparently spoken with the babys mother and told her that i finally know and told me how upsetting it has been that he has been hiding it and "didnt know how to tell me", (he supposedly found out during one of our off periods).

ive told him that i want to be witness to these phones calls (but as yet have not been) and i want to be included in it all and be aware of whats going on in order to maintain my comfort. But so far, nothing...

[2sunny]

i'm having a difficult time believing this is real... but if it is RUN!!!!! get out NOW!

[sterlingsilver]

me too... i think thats why im having such a hard time with it. a few weeks ago if someone told me this was gonna happen I would have laughed. was super happy and in love and trust and everything. and now its all crumbling.

[whichwayisup]

Either hire a PI and get to the bottom of what's truly going on, find out the truth that way (if you can't afford a PI, borrow the money from family or a trusted friend) or just end it. You say you've been on and off again with him for 2 years. He has been lying and your gut is telling you something is off.. Guts don't lie, but cheating spouses DO!

 

Ask yourself if this relationship is worth fighting for.. Even more so since you say he *may* have a child with another woman. Are you prepared to take on the responsibility of being a step mom to a child that isn't yours? And, of course, the drama of dealing with this on going affair with this other girl of his?

 

Take time to think this through. Talk to friends, those whom you trust and will have you back.

[shayla]

When I confronted the other woman and told her about my ex and me (she thought she was the only one and didn't realize, yeah right, that he had a girlfriend when they met) she didn't believe me. And of course he threw me under the bus and said that I was lying. She may not have believed me, but she knows there were parts of what I was saying that coincided with things that happened in their relationship.

 

So now she is in a marriage and has no peace. Every time he tells her something, she wonders if he's lying. Every time he leaves home she either insists on going with him or calls him 5 and six times to see if he is where he's supposed to be. She checks his email, his facebook, his IM's and looks at the computer. She gets on Facebook and talks about how she is soooo happy, but when she posts pictures, she never looks happy. She posts about how she thanks god she met him and how fabulous their life is. the same few people fawn on her, but they live a thousand miles away. the local people know him so they never reply.

 

 

l said all that to say this. If you want to live a life where you always have to second guess and bloodhound your husband, think twice. Because that is no way to live.

[sterlingsilver]

I may look into the PI, though i'm not sure if it would do any good at this point? I have not been in touch with this other girl since the confrontation. I don't know if they are still talking, she claimed she was leaving him for good after finding out about me officially. Do I have rights even though we are not married?

 

We have broken up before because he was not nice to me, and I was not happy in the relationship. The most recent period (almost a year now) has been amazing and totally different until now.

 

If it is his kid one way or the other however he found out, I would be totally open to it and be a step mom no questions asked. I looked her up on fb and her profile is open, she has a fiance, and according to my SO there's no drama, just wanting to find out for sure.

 

Shayla you're right, since all this now my trust is broken. If he is in fact telling the truth then it's awful because I don't believe him. I am checking receipts I find, checking anything I can. Looking out of the corner of my eye at his phone. I feel like unless I have some solid evidence one way or another, I won't know the truth and its kinda driving me nuts.

[Woman In Blue]

Upon confronting him, he claimed that she was lying. She was a good friend (I had in fact heard of her before, but never met her) and of course she knew all this stuff about him. He had a key to her house (I witnessed her use it off his key-chain when I met up with her to hear this story). To this his response was that he had had to go over there and do something for her when she wasn't home, and had just kept it so she had a friend nearby with a spare key. Other than the key she did not present me with any solid proof other than being very convincing.

My spouse doesn't have any female 'good friends' who have called to tell me they're more than friends with him. Nor have any called and told me he has a KEY to their place (that I didn't know about).

 

Do you have ANY clue how many times lying cheaters have used that ridiculous excuse, 'someone is trying to break us up!' whenever they've been caught? That's what kids in high school do for Christ sakes, not grown adults. It's probably the single most LAME excuse I continually read on these message boards and I laugh every time I see it.

 

More than likely, his 'good friend' decided to show up at your door because she was sick of being strung along and lied to by your boyfriend. Maybe he'd made one too many promises he didn't keep and she blew a fuse and told you, or maybe she found out that he had more secret 'friends' besides herself and it ticked her off so she told you. Or, maybe he'd promised to leave you by a certain date and he didn't do it, so she blew the whistle on him.

 

In either event, her supposed 'long time boyfriend' has suddenly ceased to exist. If she were only a friend of his all this time, what POSSIBLE reason would he have to lie to you about whether she had a boyfriend or not? And what possible reason would he have for NOT telling you about the spare key to her place and how he helped her when she was away?

 

I also found reciepts from another business trip where he used debit to pay, but he does not have a debit card, only pre-paid visa? (not sure if that would show up as debit). He gets mad at me when I call too much and feels as though i am checking in on him?

It was probably a debit card, but someone else's. A prepaid Visa is JUST that - a prepaid credit card. Only people with sh*t credit have to use those cards because no credit card company feels they're a good risk for a regular credit card. In light of this information, I think the last thing Mr. Fashion Plate should be doing is buying clothes and $300 shoes. What an idiot. It's quite clear he has no common sense about finances at all.

 

If the mother of his 'love' child has filed for child support, a DNA paternity test is usually court ordered and must be administered within a certain timeframe. The courts aren't going to sit around for years while this guy blows money on clothes and shoes and cries that he's too poor to afford the DNA test. HE doesn't get to decide when it's done. Why would anyone lie to you and tell you it was already done if it hasn't been? The fact that he hides his communication with her (like he hides everything else) is just an indicator that there's more to that story than he's telling you.

 

This guy sounds like a real slick operator, and I think you're in denial. You want so badly to believe his lies that you keep ignoring the red flags flying furiously in your face. Where there's smoke there's fire, and there seems to be an AWFUL LOT of smoke around this guy. I think being naive about him is going to be your biggest downfall, Sterling.

 

Take off the rose-colored glasses.

[jthorne]

Why are you in trouble financially? Because he spends money he doesn't have? Is this someone you want to be with long-term, someone who can't handle his money and keeps you in the poorhouse? That'd be enough reason to bail right there, without the lies.

 

If he's buying $300 shoes, he's lying to you. He's hiding money, and lying about it. Why tell you he got the clothes and shoes from work? Why stay with someone who doesn't respect you enough to be honest with you about this stuff?

 

And if OW hadn't told you about the love child, just when was he going to do it? By the way, if he made this baby while he was seeing her during their 5 years together, then he cheated on her too. So what makes you think he's being faithful to you? And he's even lying about the paternity test.

 

Now for the OW. Think about it another way... Say you had a male friend with a crush on you. Do you think that you'd find said male friend attractive if he tried to break up your relationship? Would you then go running into his arms? No, probably not. So his excuse that she's trying to break you two up, really doesn't hold water, does it?

 

Nor does his excuse for having a key to her house.

 

Read these boards. The "she's just a friend with a crush" is an AGE OLD excuse. If she really was just a friend with a crush, why didn't he mention that before?

 

Aren't the little lies and irresponsibility enough to bail on this relationship, let alone the huge possibility of the big lies? Remember, you broke up with this guy once before, for good reason.

 

By the way, please get yourself tested for STD's. I'd bet money there's another OW (or several) out there. Since he got someone pregnant, he's obviously not using protection.

Edited August 29, 2011 by jthorne

[NoIDidn't]

He's lying.

 

There is no way my H would have a key to another's woman's house that I didn't know about.

 

These are his lies:

 

1. He didn't know how to tell you about a child that he is pretty sure is his for TWO YEARS!

 

2. She had a long-time boyfriend (yeah, it was HIM)

 

3. She's trying to break you two up. Next he's going to tell you he only messed with her during one of the downtimes you and he had (since you are on again, off again it seems).

 

4. He only has a key to her place so she'll have a spare close by.

 

None of these things sounds believable to me, but of course, I don't know him or you personally.

 

Would you still be struggling financially if you kicked him out? I don't think you'll get the truth out of him since he's being lying for so long with so much success. I think she's possibly done with being strung along by him and wanted him to have some consequences, so she told you. But she probably did you a favor as it doesn't sound like you ever questioned a word he said, even though I clearly think he's lying.

[Owl]

What reason would this woman call you up to lie to you about this?

 

I can't see any benefit for someone to do this to you as a "prank" or whatever.

 

Whereas I can see every reason why he'd lie to you to cover it up.

 

I would suggest that you take what she told you very, very seriously. Given that this is happening and the two of you aren't married...I'd be very cautious about continuing a relationship with him going forward.

 

Just my thoughts.

[dreamingoftigers]

Good lord,

 

Yes he is lying.

 

He is. He cheated. Probably is still cheating.

 

Read those words until you accept them. OW couldn't have done anything more then film them having sex together.

 

Good for her for letting you know and dropping his ass.

 

He's not even a great liar.

 

I have seen so many women delude themselves like this, including my own mother for a time. I caught my father in his mistress at a hotel together (completely unintentional on my part, not looking for them or anything, stupid father, going to a hotel just off of a busy road in a popular area where I used to live. Idiot).

 

He cheated and seriously on the 0.001% chance that he didn't, the other factors in your relationship are pretty unstable anyways.

 

If you choose to stay, accept the fact that you are staying with a cheater and liar. Don't stay with him because you "believe him."

 

He simply isn't believable.

[sterlingsilver]

thank you all for reading and taking the time to respond. I really and truly appreciate your honest feedback.

I have been re-reading your responses for the last half hour. I guess it's just taking some time to sink in. I know you are all right, I just have to admit it to myself I guess.

I will not stay with someone who does this to me... I know I deserve better than this. Just have to take action now.

Thank you so much again.

[2long]

(he supposedly found out during one of our off periods)

 

Sounds like you need 2 have another one of those "off periods." And when you do, make it permanent!

 

-ol' 2long