lesoiseaux Posted August 28, 2011 Posted August 28, 2011 I just started my LDR about a month ago and right now I'm feeling left out. I'm the one who moved across the country to an entirely new place while my BF has stayed, and I honestly can't help but feel left out when I hear of him doing all these fun things -- eating in restaurants, going out, etc. -- with our friends. Obviously I want him to have fun and I'm glad he is, but sometimes it's just really frustrating to see him do all these things with people we know, when I can't physically join them. I have been trying to make new friends here and explore the area...after all, I am lucky in that I have a whole new part of the world to experience...it's just that I've been SO busy with school (I'm getting my Masters degree) that I've found myself with a lot less time for these things. Anyone know what I can do to lessen this feeling? Anyone experience the same thing?
Ivan91 Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 I can understand why you would feel left out, but you can't expect him to not go out and have some fun. You did say you are glad he is. I know how frustrating it can be feeling left out. My girlfriend is in the active duty army. You'll just have to trust him. I'm sure he misses you and wishes you could be there with him. I believe you're doing good by meeting new friends and seeing the world. It'll help keep your mind off all of your frustrations. Also, communicate. That's one of the biggest things in a LDR. Let him know about how you feel about all this. Hope this helps.
creighton0123 Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 Advice? It is vitally important for the two of you that you keep communication open. You cannot compensate with touch for obvious reasons, so it is a requirement that you compensate through words. Every so often (once every two weeks), open up a video chat and discuss how things are going between the two of you, what you're feeling, what he's feeling, what you like in the relationship, what you don't like, what needs improving, what should stay the same, and whether you are satisfied with the relationship at a distance. Without talking about the emotions you're feeling, you're both bound to suffer unnecessarily for lacking communication.
Whipple Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 You are definitely not alone. Proof? I started a thread a couple months ago with the exact same title as yours: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t282407/ Like yourself, I was also the one that had to move away for career reasons. Now that we've been in LDR for a couple of months, I'm getting more or less used to it and I don't really feel as left out. What helped was finding new friends, new hobbies, job keeping me busy, and communication with my SO. Sitting around and thinking about how much you feel left out is probably the worst thing you can do. You gotta keep yourself busy. On the flip side, I'm sure your boyfriend might be secretly feeling left out, too, but for different reasons: you have the chance to meet new people and venture out into uncharted territory, so to speak. But as Creighton mentioned, you have to communicate. No matter how busy school may be, do not let that make a significant dent in your communication.
Author lesoiseaux Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 Thanks everyone for your replies! I really appreciate it. I typically do communicate basically everything I am feeling with my boyfriend, but I guess I am relatively hesitant on this point because there's really nothing he can do besides encourage me to make friends (which he already does) and keep me somewhat in the loop. Plus it's not as if I want him to stop going out, since that's only bound to make us absolutely miserable. Creighton, I think I will take your advice and talk with him periodically about how we feel about the relationship. Every 2 weeks might be a little much for us (trust me...my bf almost always hears about EVERYTHING I'm feeling) but it's a really good idea. And Whipple, I actually saw your thread but for some reason couldn't reply, which is why I started this one! It's good to hear things are better. I do have a feeling things will improve on my end, it's just going to take more time and effort than I had expected, due to the amount of time school takes up. I also don't know if I'll make as many friends as I'd like. I also never thought that my bf might actually feel left out in some way as well...that's one of my horrible habits, I assume my boyfriend is invincible and never really realize that sometimes he may be feeling the same way as I do. I have such a high opinion of him that I end up being kind of selfish!
Author lesoiseaux Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 Hey guys, so the feelings of exclusion have hit again...and I'm realizing how much they relate to jealousy. Perhaps that was already obvious, but I just never realized it. My bf went out to trivia last night with a bunch of our friends (well, they were always more his friends than mine, but I've spent lots of time with them). He warned me his phone would probably die while he was out, which was fine, and I just went to bed. This morning when I wake up, comments are all over Facebook of his friends exchanging stories about the night, one in which a female friend apparently joked with a cab driver that my bf and his roommate (who is also in a LDR) were her/her friend's boyfriends. I know she was kidding, but in combination with my extreme awareness that I was NOT there to participate in the festivities, it almost hurt. Why even mention it? Now, I know the whole point of Facebook is to somewhat inflate your social life in order to seem fun and exciting. I know that, and I know I should take things that are said on that website with a grain of salt. That being said: I'm feeling crappy. And it's not as if my boyfriend can really do anything. The only thing I could think of asking him to do is to text me a message "good night" when he gets home and is able to charge his phone, something he didn't do last night. But I feel like that would only alleviate the problem a little bit; I would still feel out of the loop because, quite frankly, I AM out of the loop. And while I do intend on making new friends, my grad school workload is not one that would allow me to go out to a bar and drink on a Tuesday night. I guess (one of) my questions now is, is this something totally on MY end that I need to work on? Like jealousy and focusing on my own life? Or is there something that my boyfriend can do to help me feel better? It's stupid, but sometimes I'm afraid that while he's out he just completely forgets about me since he's having so much fun.
Mittens Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 I'm in a LDR, and I could of written all of your last post...and I especially relate to "I'm afraid that while he's out he just completely forgets about me since he's having so much fun". My fiance has many more friends than me and a large family. My family are 17,000 miles away and I have only one close friend, who as much as I love him, is a bit flaky. We have lots of mutual friends, but they are spread out across the country, so don't see them often. I've been signed off sick for the next few months, so my funds are very limited - I just can't afford to socialise. I'm lucky if I get to go out (locally) once a month. I suffer terribly from jealousy of my fiance's social life...I've tried talking to him about it, how I feel, but he never takes it well. His response is usually 'do you want me to sit home and be miserable?' Sometimes I feel like yelling 'yes I do, then you'd understand how I feel!' Childish, I know... His facebook winds me up as well. Just this last weekend he was at a big birthday party that I couldn't afford to travel to...of course the photos went up and I found it hard not to lash out, I felt so left out. He has a good job and is supposed to be saving to move to my city...that keeps getting pushed back, as he just isn't saving any money. He says it's because he keeps coming up to see me every 2 weeks...I've suggested cutting it to once a month, but I also think he needs to cut back on the going out. In our last 'discussion' he made it quite clear that he resents paying for me when we go out together...but until I'm fit to work there isn't a lot I can do. Sorry to go on about my problems, I suppose I'm just trying to say that I understand how you feel. LDRs suck, I could not in all honesty recommend it to anybody.
Author lesoiseaux Posted September 1, 2011 Author Posted September 1, 2011 I'm really sorry to hear that Mittens! It's hard being away. But what Whipple said is so true...focusing on how much you feel left out makes it worse. Case in point: I just talked to my boyfriend, focused on being positive and actually ENJOYING our video time, and felt fine. Good, in fact. Then, for some perverse reason I decided to look back on those Facebook comments to see if they still bothered me. The answer is yes, they still do. Bad move! So, I think you definitely need to clear things up with your fiance, but trying to stay positive also seems to work wonders. At least that's what I'm going to try to do.
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