Mme. Chaucer Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 I'm sorry ... I'm happy that you are going for IC because you'll surely need support through this. I'm afraid that your wife is just not a trustworthy person, and counseling won't make her one. She's remorseful, and probably really does feel bad ... but she was CAUGHT. If she hadn't been, it doesn't sound as if she was about to put a stop to this on her own, or to talk it all over with you. What a nightmare.
RainDown Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 After reading your last message it is clear that you did everything right after the first affair. The fact that she would consider doing this again after everything you went through before indicates that she simply was not worried about losing the marriage. You gave her the act of forgiveness after the first time. A second time even if it was emotionally only was one time too many. Please contact the OM's spouse once again as soon as possible. Good luck. ^^^This^^^ It's one thing to have an affair once (which is bad enough), but to do it AGAIN after having seen first hand the damage she did to your marriage, to you, and to your children the first time is something else entirely. Your wife has proven herself a reckless and self-absorbed creature, my friend. Divorce is probably the way to go in this situation, but you need to do it wisely. Get a lawyer and think about the following suggestions: 1. Do not have sex with your wife. In some states that is seen as condoning and forgiving the adultery. Even if not grounds for divorce, the adultery may give you an edge in custody and alimony decisions. 2. Do not leave your house. Repeat, do not leave your house. She leaves - without the children. The children stay in the marital home with you where they belong. 3. Close all joint bank and credit card accounts. Move half the assets into your name where she cannot get to them. The court will likely split assets down the middle anyway, so you might as well give her half now of your own accord. This makes you look good to the judge. 4. Do not keep the children from her. Set up an equitable visitation schedule. The courts want to see that you are able to co-parent with her and further her relationship with her children. That will gain you major points in winning custody of the children. 5. Do not get into any disputes with her, verbal or otherwise. It's a simple matter for her to call 911, accuse you of domestic violence, get an RO and get you out of the house while she stays there with the children and carries on her affair. I'm sure others have helpful suggestions and will hopefully chime in here. Divorce is a nasty business and you and your children will be much better off in the long run if you have a step-by-step plan in place and follow it. It's up to you now to protect your children and yourself because your wife has shown you that the well-being of her family is not her priority or concern. Good luck to you. You deserve better than this and I wish you the best.
Bryanp Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 This is really sad news that she had sex again with this OM. It is clear now that she was willing to risk the marriage again figuring if she says she is sorry then you will forgive her again. After all of the pain you went through the first time she went and did it again. You now need to do 2 things: 1. Get tested again for STD's. 2. Get the best attorney you can find. You deserve better than to have someone who continues you to humiliate and and disrespect you and your relationship. Enough is enough!
mzdolphin Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Get a good attorney and fight for custody. Find support groups for men seeking custody. Seriously, she can't be trusted.
Osiris1234 Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 (edited) 1-Get a very good attorney. 2-Take money out of your joint a little a time each week into a SECRET bank account that she doesn't know about and put the banks account name under someone you trust (parents,relatives) so you have money when you get out. Just make sure those slips don't start showing up at your door with how much the account has grown. 3-Take half of your earnings you make from work and add them into the secret account to build more money up. 4-Don't let her find the account. 5-Get custody of your child, do NOT let her have custody of your child, your child is better off with you since you have a job and can support your child. This is why you ALWAYS sign a pre-nup before you get married. Edited September 4, 2011 by Osiris1234
seren Posted September 5, 2011 Posted September 5, 2011 I don't think, no, I know I couldn't go through a second D Day, I am not of the mind that once a cheater etc nor that reconciliation NEVER works, my life and experience disproves that, but a second time? No, I couldn't do it and of course it isn't your fault for trying to make your marriage work, Jeez some people have a weird viewpoint. You do whatever works for you and what you are comfortable with. I don't know how anyone can trust a person again after all the hard work of R, only to have it happen again. it will be hard trying to cope with the practicalities while going through all the heartache. I hope you have someone IRL for support, make sure you have all the necessary information regarding rights, children, housing etc as it can be easy to let control slip through your fingers when feeling your life is so out of control. Take care
drifter777 Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 More evidence has come forth that convinces me that she has had sex with him again. Obviously wishful thinking, obviously wrong! But truthfully, It makes no difference anymore. My marriage is over. I will always love her... but I cannot forgive again! Thanks for the replies. To my way of thinking, this is a reasonable place to be and maybe as far as many BS's can get on the road to their personal recovery. I hope you continue IC as it can help accelerate the grieving and recovery process. Finally, if this is your decision then it can't be wrong. You have put a lot of thought and work into it and you seem ready to own it and move on with your life. You also have the right to change your mind - it is your life after all.
Avery Posted September 6, 2011 Posted September 6, 2011 Mt4141... I'm so sorry. This must be very difficult for you. I'm sorry you have to go thru this.
Kidd Posted September 7, 2011 Posted September 7, 2011 I'm a huge advocate of a second chance but I don't think I could do reconciliation twice. I'll be lucky if I can trust my wife after this one. But I never would have predicted what I did this first time around. Like everyone, I said I would never trust a cheater. I firmly believe you never know til you're there. Good luck. Either way, keep your head up. You did what you could. You got some sympathetic ears here.
Author Mt4141 Posted September 9, 2011 Author Posted September 9, 2011 Again thank you for the support! Last night I told my wife that I wanted a divorce. Things got ugly pretty quickly... I don't think she was prepared for how resolved I was with my decision! She freaked out... to put it mildly. She ended up calling the police trying to get me out of the house. I was prepared with a voice recorder and she was the one that ended up gone! No charges were laid but the police "suggested" she find an alternate place to go. That was last night... I didn't get much sleep but my children slept in their own beds. She calmed down a lot in the past 12 hrs... She talked to a crisis line... Apologized, and I let her take the kids for the night this evening! I really don't want them to be estranged from their mother and I think everything will work out in the end with regards to the kids. I had an IC session this evening and she has hers tomorrow! I definately think that will be able to communicate a little more civilized after tomorrow. I'll likely start a thread in the divorce/separation section sometime soon. This is all new to me and I appreciate all the support that I found on the site. Thank you all!
Steen719 Posted September 9, 2011 Posted September 9, 2011 Mt4141, Sorry it came to this..I feel your pain as I am there now. H was also not prepared, but you have to wonder what are they thinking by doing the same thing and with the same person. Geez! Take care of yourself and your kids and best to you.
Darth Vader Posted September 10, 2011 Posted September 10, 2011 Again thank you for the support! Last night I told my wife that I wanted a divorce. Things got ugly pretty quickly... I don't think she was prepared for how resolved I was with my decision! She freaked out... to put it mildly. She ended up calling the police trying to get me out of the house. I was prepared with a voice recorder and she was the one that ended up gone! No charges were laid but the police "suggested" she find an alternate place to go. That was last night... I didn't get much sleep but my children slept in their own beds. She calmed down a lot in the past 12 hrs... She talked to a crisis line... Apologized, and I let her take the kids for the night this evening! I really don't want them to be estranged from their mother and I think everything will work out in the end with regards to the kids. I had an IC session this evening and she has hers tomorrow! I definately think that will be able to communicate a little more civilized after tomorrow. I'll likely start a thread in the divorce/separation section sometime soon. This is all new to me and I appreciate all the support that I found on the site. Thank you all! WAY TO GO ON THE VOICE RECORDER! It saved you from spending a night in jail! Funny isn't it? How she can trump up something, and you could get arrested, but she faces NO charges with making up false accusations! How hypocritical our system is! Drop her ASS! She's not remorseful for what she's done, she's sorry she got caught!
robf1971 Posted September 10, 2011 Posted September 10, 2011 Last night I told my wife that I wanted a divorce. Wow, you were doing her a favour, freeing her up to see her OM and she treats you like that? What a piece of work.
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