Mt4141 Posted August 28, 2011 Posted August 28, 2011 I guess the title says it all, but I'll give you a little back ground. I'm a 44 year old guy, father of 2, and married for 15 years. 9 years ago my wife had a ~6 month affair with another married man. I found out, moved out for about 4 months while we did MC and we eventually reconciled. Fast forward to 4 days ago, when I found out that she has been texting, talking, and likely meeting the same guy again(he's still married). Obviously, I'm crushed, pissed, etc. I know that getting over this a second time will be incredibly unlikely/impossible. Is there really any sense in entering councilling for a second time. Anyone experience this before and successfully save their marriage. Or is this a lost cause. I'm I foolish for thinking it's not over!
TroyNJ Posted August 28, 2011 Posted August 28, 2011 Absolutely not, sorry bro you have to divorce her, start getting ur **** together!
Bryanp Posted August 28, 2011 Posted August 28, 2011 I am only guessing but I assume that you never told the OM's spouse. If not then what did you expect? If not then you sent a clear message there would be no consequences to him. Did you both get checked for STD's? There is an old saying which states: "No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change". What were the consequences to her actions? Did you tell her that I am giving you the gift of reconcilliation with you but if you ever do this again it will be automatic divorce? My guess is that you did not do this so your wife thought that you would be too weak to stand up to her again so she continued to do this now knowing that you will just suffer like you did in the past. Her actions indicate that she has no respect for you whatsoever. You need to get tested for STD's. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think your wife would be so accepting as you have been? She has no respect for you or your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will?....enough is enough! Good luck.
2011aug Posted August 28, 2011 Posted August 28, 2011 Well, looks like she never got over the other man. Any reason to think she will get over him this time? Any reason to think she's trustworthy? Can you stayed married with someone you can not trust and can betray you? Can you live in an open marriage, share your wife with another man? Did you inform the other man's wife?
cavedweller Posted August 28, 2011 Posted August 28, 2011 Mt4141, Contact a lawyer and file for a divorce.. Move on and let her have Mr. Wonderful. If she wants him--let her have him. my 2 cents
sweetypielovely Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 Twice...Really? Im sorry sweety but divorce her and move on.
Barrsitter Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 You need to call your wife on the carpet and tell you know what she is doing and that it is not okay with you. Tell her that she has a responsibility to you and your children. Ask her if she is prepared to stop seeing the other guy and commit to you and your marriage. If she won't, then you know what to do. If she is prepared to genuinely re-commit to the marriage which necessarily means discarding the OM, then fine, try again. Personally, if a spouse goes off with someone else and while attending MC or thereafter continues with the OM, there is something fundamentally missing in your marriage. Don't judge that. Just accept it and move on. And don't stay to the point that you hate each other and get into ugly fights in front of the children. Be a grown up and say to your wife "look...obviously you and I have different concepts of marriage and frankly, I won't allow you to treat me as an option, while I treat you as a priority". Quite honestly, it is really sad reading on this site about all the EAs married people engage in. Why get married if you aren't prepared to be monogamous? If you can't be monogamous THEN DON'T GET MARRIED! If you are married and find yourself looking at other people, have the fricken integrity to tell your spouse and either ask for help or be honest and say "I need to set you free to find someone else because I don't respect or love you enough to be monogamous". Emotional honesty. The last frontier.
nyrias Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 I guess the title says it all, but I'll give you a little back ground. I'm a 44 year old guy, father of 2, and married for 15 years. 9 years ago my wife had a ~6 month affair with another married man. I found out, moved out for about 4 months while we did MC and we eventually reconciled. Fast forward to 4 days ago, when I found out that she has been texting, talking, and likely meeting the same guy again(he's still married). Obviously, I'm crushed, pissed, etc. I know that getting over this a second time will be incredibly unlikely/impossible. Is there really any sense in entering councilling for a second time. Anyone experience this before and successfully save their marriage. Or is this a lost cause. I'm I foolish for thinking it's not over! It is highly unlikely that you will re-establish trust with her since this is a second time. So if you are deciding to leave, it is pointless to go for counseling, or do anything else but to focus on yourself and the divorce. Good luck to you!
bentnotbroken Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 First make a Dr.'s appointment. Then see a lawyer, see what your options are. Then decide what you want to do. Stories like yours are what I feared. Take care of yourself. It is clear she won't take care of you.
jnj express Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 She probably never ended her previous A.---so for all these years she has been cheating on you by OMMISSION---looking you right in the eyes, night after night and saying everything was good, as she continued, to connive, manipulate, lie, be decietful, and plan to be with him, or how many days did she come home, after having had sex with him, then she went to bed with you!!!! You gave her a 2nd chance---do you really intend to give her a 3rd, or 4th, or 5th chance---where does it end She, no matter what she says, by her actions, DOES NOT GIVE A SH*T about you---time for you to start a new life If you stay this time, you will just be living a life of misery---there will never be any trust---you will always be looking, over your shoulder, and checking every little thing she does---is that the way you wanna live I hope you arn't letting her tell you she loves you---that would be the biggest crock, you will have ever heard!!!!!!!
Author Mt4141 Posted August 29, 2011 Author Posted August 29, 2011 Thanks for all the replies... I am only guessing but I assume that you never told the OM's spouse. If not then what did you expect? If not then you sent a clear message there would be no consequences to him.The OM spouse was told... She had just finished having an affair a year earlier, so one of the motivating factors for the OM was revenge against his wife. OM spouse and I talked 3-4 times, once face to face, she couldn't tell me too much that I hadn't already discovered, and my wife was very forth coming and quite honest about things, when I had confronted her. OM remained married to his wife... perhaps they thought they were even... who knows... don't care! Did you both get checked for STD's? 9 years ago... Yes This time... It seems that it never got "that" far. There's lots of evidence that he was pressuring her, and that she was resisting going that far. I actually have almost all the text messages sent in the last 2 months, and while i don't doubt it was headed that way... it seems it had not happened yet and YES I realize that makes no difference! I'm sorry MT, I'm really sorry that this has happened to you again. Hang in there, you can get to a better place in time.Thanks Should've divorced her the first time around. Hopefully you will divorce her this time. She's a serial cheater so he's probably not the only man she's cheating on you with.Hindsight is 20/20... Many couples successfully save marriages after a single affair. It is highly unlikely that you will re-establish trust with her since this is a second time. So if you are deciding to leave, it is pointless to go for counseling, or do anything else but to focus on yourself and the divorce. Good luck to you!Indeed... i'm headed for counseling for myself later this week! Obviously I have a lot of issues to work out. Thanks! Thanks for all the replies.
nyrias Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 Indeed... i'm headed for counseling for myself later this week! Obviously I have a lot of issues to work out. Thanks! Thanks for all the replies. Good luck!
Bryanp Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 After reading your last message it is clear that you did everything right after the first affair. The fact that she would consider doing this again after everything you went through before indicates that she simply was not worried about losing the marriage. You gave her the act of forgiveness after the first time. A second time even if it was emotionally only was one time too many. Please contact the OM's spouse once again as soon as possible. Good luck.
Memphis Raines Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 I know that getting over this a second time will be incredibly unlikely/impossible. Is there really any sense in entering councilling for a second time. absolutely not. what you need now is a good divorce lawyer. your louse of a wife will never be faithful, and even if she did keep herself from cheating from here on out, it would only be because she doesn't want the drama. deep down she will be salivating at the thought of being with another man, and would if she knew she'd never get caught. just get rid of this "woman"
jnj express Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 Who re-introduced contact---it doesn't matter, really---but if it was him---your wife should have told you immediately, and along with you watching cut off contact----if it was your wife---well I think you know what to do!!!!!!
seibert253 Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 I think we may need a little more info on what happened the second time. How you found out, what your WW's reaction has been since. Is she remorseful or foggy? If you both want to fix this, again, then I suppose it can be with a hellofa lot of work. Personally, unless she was moving the earth in order to fix her latest F$$k up, I'd be in a hardcore 180 and consulting with Lawyers.
Steen719 Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 H had an affair 14 years ago..lasted 5 months...more issues after (his health problems) and he has recently re-contacted the same woman. There are other issues, but this was the final insult and the proverbial last straw. I guess the unrequited part was still unrequited. I would be very, very careful with this. Something is still brewing with them. I just read that many people think they miss something with the "one who got away". Sorry this is not more positive, but I would say you are really headed down the path of pain if you stay with your wife. I really would wonder why they cannot seem to stay away from each other. Good luck.
sadcalifornian Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 How is your WW now? How did she respond when you confronted her the 2nd time?
drifter777 Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 This time... It seems that it never got "that" far. There's lots of evidence that he was pressuring her, and that she was resisting going that far. I actually have almost all the text messages sent in the last 2 months, and while i don't doubt it was headed that way... it seems it had not happened yet and YES I realize that makes no difference! You inferred that she did have sex with him the first time she cheated with your reference to being tested for STD's - is that the case? If so, how can you possibly think she didn't have sex with him this time? I see that you believe you have gathered some evidence that makes you think maybe she didn't screw him, but perhaps it is just hopeful thinking on your part. It just isn't likely that their sexual relationship became platonic, and your wife will never willingly tell you the truth. Face the reality that she's a serial cheater and decide whether or not you are willing to live with her.
Author Mt4141 Posted September 4, 2011 Author Posted September 4, 2011 Hi Everyone! Bad week! After reading your last message it is clear that you did everything right after the first affair. The fact that she would consider doing this again after everything you went through before indicates that she simply was not worried about losing the marriage. You gave her the act of forgiveness after the first time. A second time even if it was emotionally only was one time too many. Please contact the OM's spouse once again as soon as possible. Good luck. I contacted the OM's spouse via phone and spent 30 mins talking with her. I didn't get too much info that I didn't already know. A few tidbits, but I had already learned more on my own! She got a few revelations and thanked me for calling. She asked what I planned on doing... she seemed worried... I was non-commital but told her that what ever I did, it would be what was best for me. I think she got the message! Who re-introduced contact---it doesn't matter, really---but if it was him---your wife should have told you immediately, and along with you watching cut off contact----if it was your wife---well I think you know what to do!!!!!! The OM initiated contact... I actually have that text message... It's surprising what survives on memory chips... Here's a lesson... Rarely is something actually deleted when you press delete. It's simply flagged and made available to be over written. A simple "How are you?" then "Who is this?"... and here we are! I think we may need a little more info on what happened the second time. How you found out, what your WW's reaction has been since. Is she remorseful or foggy? If you both want to fix this, again, then I suppose it can be with a hellofa lot of work. Personally, unless she was moving the earth in order to fix her latest F$$k up, I'd be in a hardcore 180 and consulting with Lawyers. She has been remorseful... very sorry... begging for counselling. Contact has been stopped with OM... however that's likely because OM spouse found out 2 weeks ago and has him under house arrest! Honestly, as much as it hurt to type this... I don't want to fix this! I need IC, and I need to get to a better place, because I deserve better! I am not without blame for the failure of my marriage! I know this, but I will shoulder no more than my fair share! You inferred that she did have sex with him the first time she cheated with your reference to being tested for STD's - is that the case? If so, how can you possibly think she didn't have sex with him this time? I see that you believe you have gathered some evidence that makes you think maybe she didn't screw him, but perhaps it is just hopeful thinking on your part. It just isn't likely that their sexual relationship became platonic, and your wife will never willingly tell you the truth. Face the reality that she's a serial cheater and decide whether or not you are willing to live with her. More evidence has come forth that convinces me that she has had sex with him again. Obviously wishful thinking, obviously wrong! But truthfully, It makes no difference anymore. My marriage is over. I will always love her... but I cannot forgive again! Thanks for the replies.
2011aug Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 She has been remorseful... very sorry... begging for counselling. Contact has been stopped with OM... however that's likely because OM spouse found out 2 weeks ago and has him under house arrest! Honestly, as much as it hurt to type this... I don't want to fix this! I need IC, and I need to get to a better place, because I deserve better! I am not without blame for the failure of my marriage! I know this, but I will shoulder no more than my fair share! More evidence has come forth that convinces me that she has had sex with him again. Obviously wishful thinking, obviously wrong! But truthfully, It makes no difference anymore. My marriage is over. I will always love her... but I cannot forgive again! Thanks for the replies. You were generous with your forgiveness the first time. Your wife obviously did not deeply appreciate it and went ahead with the second affair. She is not over the OM. Twice over this long period means she has strong feelings for the OM. Seems like you do not want an open marriage. And, she has shown she can not be trusted. Time to move on. Else, you are going to lose your own self-respect and well-being.
2011aug Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Counseling didnt work the first time. I doubt it would work this time. And you both need to be really into making the marriage work. But you're not into that. And your wife cannot be trusted no matter what she says.
2011aug Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Also, you should start to remove yourself from any joint bank accounts and credit cards. Start hiding your money and assets - you'll need them after the divorce to carry on. Move any of your important documents, valuables to somewhere safe.
sadcalifornian Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 I am sorry this happened again. She seems to have such a weak character. I feel for you.
LifesontheUp Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 As I read through your posts Mt4141, I felt sad for you. You gave your wife a chance and she has gone and thrown it back in your face It doesn't matter whether she slept with him again, its the lies and deceit and the fact she never told you he had got back in touch. I wish you all the best with healing from this. I think you are doing the right thing in not giving her another chance - she had one already and blew it.
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