prettybaby Posted August 28, 2011 Posted August 28, 2011 I always dread dinners with his family, as there's an awkward aspect to their situation: his ex is related to his brother's wife. He has told me several times that he'd rather never hear about her again. I'm not sure if he has ever expressed this to his family, but quite frankly, anybody with the slightest sense of tact would realize that it would make sense to avoid the topic during his / our presence. His family, however, doesn't seem to care (or perhaps enjoys rubbing it in our faces). And so, every family dinner ever since I've known him - with no exception whatsoever - has involved conversations and updates about his ex. Lovely topic indeed, as I'm trying to swallow my soup without choking. Today didn't fail their tasteless tradition: As we were just finished eating, his mother loudly asked how their last visit to his ex had gone. To which his brother's wife gladly responded in length and details. As soon as the question was asked, I stood up and left the table and sat down in the living room where the TV was playing. I've sat through those conversations for years. I can no longer take it. The lack of tact disturbs me more than anything. He joined me in the living room about a minute later. I was also ticked off about the fact that it was his mother who brought it up this time. I had always had the impression that she was one of the few who understood the awkwardness of it all, and that she'd rather avoid the topic altogether. It felt like a slap in the face to say the least. I have never confronted anyone about this and I'm not sure if I should. But I have a feeling that if it keeps happening, one day I will just get up and leave their house in the middle of dinner. I mean, ultimately, it's not like this topic is super hard to avoid. The ex is related to his brother's wife, not his family. So it's really just her side of the family, which has nothing to do with us. I don't understand why we can never have ONE dinner without her being brought up by someone. It's awkward and annoying.
tigressA Posted August 28, 2011 Posted August 28, 2011 Pretty much all the threads that I've seen from you have to do with the overall awfulness of your BF's family. I think it's good that your BF at least appears to be standing up for you (like when he got up and left the room to join you) BUT something else needs to be done. I think it's time to make a bit of a scene. Next time this happens, you two need to stand together and say to everyone's face that enough is enough--it's the two of you who are together now and have been for (years, if I remember correctly) awhile; bringing up the ex is completely unnecessary, tactless and disrespectful to you and your relationship, and must come to an end. If it continues, I would recommend not going to any more family dinners. Just getting up and leaving the room clearly is not enough for these people to get the message. You two need to take more of a stand in order to show that you will not put up with what his family has been doing. If you don't, you may as well just suck it up because they will keep doing it.
threebyfate Posted August 28, 2011 Posted August 28, 2011 prettybaby, it's time to move on from this sensitivity. This isn't an issue about you v. the ex. This is about family and no matter how you look at it, your b/f's ex-fiancee is family since her twin sister is married to your b/f's brother. If your b/f's family really wanted to make things difficult, they'd invite her to every family dinner. It really is time to move on. Don't do this to your b/f, his family and your relationship.
carhill Posted August 28, 2011 Posted August 28, 2011 Having only responded to a past thread of yours about testicles, I had to scan a bit of backstory.... Hmm... as our MC opined, you have a decision to make. If you're in, then acceptance is the path. If not, end it. Marriage taught me a lot about the differences in families. Some are reconcilable and some are not. Good luck.
Eternal Sunshine Posted August 28, 2011 Posted August 28, 2011 I always felt that you are making a way too big of a deal about this issue. So what if they ask how she is? I truly don't see the problem. You have some sort of irrational jealousy here that you need to deal with by yourself.
AHardDaysNight Posted August 28, 2011 Posted August 28, 2011 This is definitely your issue, not your boyfriend's family's. I think you need a bit of tough love, so I'll give it to you: your boyfriend can dump you. He cannot dump his family. You need to be more understanding towards your boyfriend and his family, rather than sulk in the family room because they brought up a topic that you don't want to discuss.
carhill Posted August 28, 2011 Posted August 28, 2011 OP, so I don't have to scan all your past threads, does BF's family actively demean or exclude you? Talking about or celebrating someone else is not demeaning you. As an example, my best friend and his wife recently told me about accepting and attending a dinner with my exW and her new BF at my/our old house. Was he demeaning me or betraying me by socializing with my exW and then talking about it in a positive way in front of me? I think not. She was their friend too, for many years. Hope you can figure it out. Just scanning the titles of your threads gave me pause.
ja123 Posted August 28, 2011 Posted August 28, 2011 It does suck that they're not more considerate; however your BF's Ex will always be a part of the family as long as his brother is married to her relative. That's the reality. How are your acting skills? Why not try to "get in" on the conversation a bit the next time that happens. Say, "Yeah, it sounds like she's really good at such-and-such. She must be a very interesting person. Do you know if she likes xyz? ... She does? Well that's wonderful." And don't be sarcastic, sound sincere. If you confront then (they're agroup so they have the power), then you're just going to give them more power and satisfaction. Show them that it doesn't bother you and that you couldn't care less. Maybe with time you'll feel that way.
Author prettybaby Posted August 28, 2011 Author Posted August 28, 2011 What irks me is that this topic could easily be saved for when we're not there. Like today, his brother's family was basically spending the whole day there and we only popped in for about an hour. I don't understand why this topic couldn't wait an hour. She could have asked this several hours before we arrived, and several hours after we left. But no, it was like "bam, in your face", right at the dinner table with everybody's attention. Honestly, I wouldn't mind her being mentioned every once in a while. I understand she's his brother's wife's family, and so it's bound to happen. But it's the way it systematically happens when we're there. Every single time. Not one exception. I keep waiting for the day when we'll all have dinner together and someone will finally forget to include this in the conversation.
Kamille Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 I think you should speak up. It bothers you. Those are your feelings. You are also a valued member of their family now, so if it bothers you, you should speak up. Else, they have no way of guessing how it makes you feel. So how does it make you feel when they bring her up? Why does it bother you? Think about it, and then approach one of the family members (the mother perhaps?) in a genuine honest way. Tell her how it makes you feel when they mention her, and ask her if they could make an effort to not mention her when you're around. I'm sure the last thing they want is to make you feel awkward, or hurt you, so really, you would only be acting to strengthen your relationship with them. Speak up for yourself.
sweetypielovely Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 I mean his family did it on purpose. They didnt have to mention anything about her to you. Thats so disrespectful. Simple solution, dont ever go over there again for dinner. Your man will know why you wont go and they will soon understand youve had enough. If you cant do that then next time make sure you speak up or keep putting up with this behavior. I would have said something for sure.
Ruby Slippers Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 I always felt that you are making a way too big of a deal about this issue. So what if they ask how she is? I truly don't see the problem. You have some sort of irrational jealousy here that you need to deal with by yourself. I agree. There is no threat here whatsoever, but you feel threatened. You just need to understand that this is not a threat.
xxoo Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 I believe that they might be bringing it up intentionally, but why let it get to you? Change up your response, let it roll off of you, and let it go. Really. It is irritating, but it isn't harmful in any way. Laugh it off. I have some inlaws who seem to stick me with a "sideways compliment" everytime I see them. I smile and laugh it off. If my H hears it, he's quick witted enough to slyly zing back (they are the same stock, afterall!). Don't let them get to you. It just isn't worth it!
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