TurboGirl Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 i'd be willing to bet money he never told her a thing about all this - including talking of divorce last June. to even be with ANY man you have to wonder about isn't worth being with him. you deserve better! Agreed... If you decide to call her, please be prepared for a shock. I know that you are hurt and disappointed... (((HUG))) You will get through this and things will get better for you, with or without this MM in your life.
White Flower Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 sad puppy, Has he left her yet?---No. Will he leave her?...No. Will he file for a divorce?..No. You need to wake up and 'smell the coffee'....Sorry, but this is more of a prediction than advice, and you cannot predict what her MM will do. sad puppy stick to your guns and wait for an update. Keep posting until you hear something. I know the waiting is hard, but sometimes there is a payoff. And yes, sometimes there isn't. Stay strong.
fooled once Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 I pretty much trust what he's been saying in this process, this guy is not a player and has not had many relationships. He has told me that our relationship is the complete package - sex + emotions + friendship. This has not changed and there is more info to support this. I think when he told her, he thought he was "in the clear" and I know he was tired of lying, and when asked why he told her, he said "I was happy". All I want right now is an honest answer from him as to whether he is reconciling due to the blow up (where they take a real second look) or if this is how he's gonna handle it, tell the kids in mid Oct? The wife is pretty content without sex - crunchy granola is how he describes her. She is devoted to her kids, hovering actually, doesn't handle any money, has a poor relationship with his parents and has few friends - he's told me she doesn't like to go out socially, is uncomfortable in front of mare than 3 or 4 people, whereas he loves to go out. They are great friends, this I know. But he said it was the wrong reason to marry. Sex a problem from the beginning & he said they always thought it would get better. I think it's insane. I think he was pulling the trigger and he ****ed up but good with the confession, which he admits. I wonder if he will admit that when he met his wife, and started dating her that they had "the complete package - sex + emotions + friendship". Do you not see that this is just a line? If this was the 'complete package', why did he go on vacation with her? Isn't it nice how he discusses their sex life with you And you believe all of it, right? You believe that she is a mother who is focused on her kids (good for her; cause it doesn't seem like HE is focused on those kids!) So what if she isn't comfortable in a large group - why is that a 'negative'? How dare he say she hovers when it seems like she is the one parenting them while he is out having an affair! What a jerk! Why does she have a poor relationship with his parents? Could it be his fault? Could it be she doesn't have a ton of friends because she is at home being a parent? When does she have time to run off with friends? I have few CLOSE friends who I turn to - just because I don't have 70 doesn't mean I don't have friends. Again, these are HIS WORDS, not hers. Also, maybe he is a control freak in regards to finances? Many men 'handle' the money so exactly when will she have the chance to handle the money? Again, why is this such a huge negative? Maybe they as a COUPLE decided he would be in charge of bill paying. My H is in charge of our finances; heck, I have no idea who we pay our mortgage to or even how much it is! I guess in your/his view this would make me not good with money. I think you should call her and ask her about her crunchy granola sex (what the heck does that even mean??), her lack of friends, her 'hovering' over her kids and her decision to not like to hang out with 15+ friends at once. And also tell her she needs to learn to deal with their finances, because for some reason, you and he think that is a negative. My advice? Stop thinking every time his mouth opens and words come out that they are the truth. He is a known liar - you said he is tired of lying. I find it very suspicious he allegedly was on the way to divorce and then he drops the bomb about cheating. Is he completely stupid? I would totally question all this. I would ask her about it too when you call her. 1
Author sad puppy Posted August 30, 2011 Author Posted August 30, 2011 It's over and I am in shock, devastated. Yep, they were moving to the divorce. He said when she found out about the affair, he was heading straight for it, then due to tension in the house with the kids - he looked at them and is willing to sacrifce to eliminate the possibility of them being hurt. Three hours on the phone, crying, yelling, and general agony All he kept saying was "I love you" and "I'm sorry". Feels very hollow. They are reconciling. I called her, she knew who I was, I was sort of stammering but told her if she ever wanted to speak to me, she could. She had nothing to say. I told her that this was a difficult situation, she agreed. Nothing more. So, it's done, my long emotional nightmare is over. No chance it's coming back. It's done. Yes, I do believe they were close to divorce. And yes, I knew the kids would stand in the way. I pray to God, I can look on the bright side, but this was a connection unlike any other for me. I am the perfect example of the pain that occurs. Psychic, emtional, spiritual, and physical pain. Any pearls of wisdom, please advise. Any gentle words of comfort, please send. I am so afraid I will contact him. I feel as though I have vented to him, but I am afraid of missing him even with all the hurt. I know I cannot. I know it is over. And the affair was the catalyst to bring them together after a long, unsatisfying marriage. Yes, they both agreed they had faltered. No, I'm not making this up. But in the end, I got burned and will forever be ashamed of myself, not for having an affair but being so stupid. I never was a girl like this, I don't know what has happened to me? How could I have been so blind? Why do I have to be the one with the pain? And now they have reignited the marriage? It seems outrageously unfair.
NoIDidn't Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 Any pearls of wisdom, please advise. Any gentle words of comfort, please send. I am so afraid I will contact him. I feel as though I have vented to him, but I am afraid of missing him even with all the hurt. I know I cannot. I know it is over. And the affair was the catalyst to bring them together after a long, unsatisfying marriage. Yes, they both agreed they had faltered. No, I'm not making this up. But in the end, I got burned and will forever be ashamed of myself, not for having an affair but being so stupid. I never was a girl like this, I don't know what has happened to me? How could I have been so blind? Why do I have to be the one with the pain? And now they have reignited the marriage? It seems outrageously unfair. Don't contact him. His W was apparently cordial on your last phone call, but if you call him again you won't be so lucky. Don't be so quick to think they aren't in pain! He cheated on her, she is hurting. His family was feeling the tension of the revelation of his cheating on his family as well. Everyone in that house is hurting. Just because you aren't there is no reason to make assumptions that because she didn't cry on the phone for you, or you can't see it for yourself, that they aren't hurting. I think he told her because he wanted to save his marriage. They can either turn this time period into one of many bumps in the road, or they can let it end their marriage. They are choosing the bump scenario. I'm sorry you are hurting. Maybe a call to a local therapist might help you avoid calling him and give you a place to vent. But don't call him unless you want more pain.
Seraph1 Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 It seems outrageously unfair. It is unfair. All that you have been through and now the pain that you are enduring. I am so sorry. I'm sure that they were moving towards a divorce until his wife realised that another woman was on the scene. Many wives seem to have a sudden interest in their failing marriage only when it appears that another woman may take what the wife sees as being hers. Please believe that you will be ok and that you will come through this dark time. It hurts a lot now but you have a strong network of people around you who have gone through the same thing and can support you during this period of your life. Even though it may feel like the end of the road...your beautiful life is far from being over. This is just the start of finding something more wonderful and fulfiiling...which is exactly what you always deserved. NC will allow you to move forward and heal far more quickly than anything else will at this point. Please make sure that you block his number, block his emails and remove yourself from people who are likely to pass on information about how he and his wife are. You don't need to know anything about what is happening with him...your first care must be for yourself. It's so hard to drag yourself away but you do have the strength to do this. You will heal and you will thrive! Give time...time. Take a deep breath and cry as much as you need to. Acknowledge your feelings and don't try to rush or force yourself to feel better. Please don't beat yourself up for what happened either. It is in the past and best to stay there. There are far better things before you. Believe it.
Author sad puppy Posted August 30, 2011 Author Posted August 30, 2011 It is unfair. All that you have been through and now the pain that you are enduring. I am so sorry. I'm sure that they were moving towards a divorce until his wife realised that another woman was on the scene. Many wives seem to have a sudden interest in their failing marriage only when it appears that another woman may take what the wife sees as being hers. Please believe that you will be ok and that you will come through this dark time. It hurts a lot now but you have a strong network of people around you who have gone through the same thing and can support you during this period of your life. Even though it may feel like the end of the road...your beautiful life is far from being over. This is just the start of finding something more wonderful and fulfiiling...which is exactly what you always deserved. NC will allow you to move forward and heal far more quickly than anything else will at this point. Please make sure that you block his number, block his emails and remove yourself from people who are likely to pass on information about how he and his wife are. You don't need to know anything about what is happening with him...your first care must be for yourself. It's so hard to drag yourself away but you do have the strength to do this. You will heal and you will thrive! Give time...time. Take a deep breath and cry as much as you need to. Acknowledge your feelings and don't try to rush or force yourself to feel better. Please don't beat yourself up for what happened either. It is in the past and best to stay there. There are far better things before you. Believe it. thank you so much, i am going to hang on to your words, crying ...
2sunny Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 SP - makes me sad for you... but at least NOW you know... and you can begin to heal and move forward instead of waiting and waiting as the years go by. you were just given a gift - a gift of honesty so you can begin to live again. be sad... then be mad... then be anything you intend to be... start living again! big hugs!
alexandria35 Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 Sorry, but this is more of a prediction than advice, and you cannot predict what her MM will do. sad puppy stick to your guns and wait for an update. Keep posting until you hear something. I know the waiting is hard, but sometimes there is a payoff. And yes, sometimes there isn't. Stay strong. Well looks like this prediction came to pass. And thank goodness OP confronted the situation head on and made it her business to find out what was really going on. Thankfully she didn't listen to those telling her to just sit quietly and wait to see what happens because she could have been waiting until the cows came home. OP I know you're hurt but at least now you know where things stand and you can get on with your life. Personally I think you're MM was trying all along to get his wife's attention. First he told her that he wanted to divorce and when that didn't get a rise out of her, he decided to drop the affair on her to see if that would shake things up and make her take notice. He wanted her to fight for him. 1
whichwayisup Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 Sorry that you're hurting..Call a friend, make sure you aren't alone. Cry your eyes out, eat icecream, chips, chocolate.. Comfort food and a comforting friend is what you need right now.
TurboGirl Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 (((HUG))) I'm so sorry... Please do not pick up the phone to call him again. It would not be good, and I would bet he would be mean... haven't you suffered enough? If he went back so easily... he was never as close to divorcing as he told you, dear. No way. As painful as this may be...he is out of your life, and no matter what, you have to move on. For today... go get a pedicure, a facial, get with your friends -- plain just stay busy, whatever you have to do. Yes, there will be tears, but I promise you, it will get better and you will be much stronger in the future. NO beating yourself up, ok? NO. Be kind to yourself.
seren Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 Hi Sad Puppy, sorry you are feeling hurt and rejected, it will pass and once you are able to look at the relationship I am sure you will be able to learn from your experience and grow. A's always, always mean that at least one person in the A triangle is hurt, it doesn't matter if he and his wife are at each other's throats or happily reconciling, what matters is that you are hurting. Why he stayed may see you asking yourself what you did, what you could have done to make him leave to be with you. Fact is, it really doesn't matter that much and no matter what he, I or anyone else says, the only place where the truth of that lives is in the head of the MM. So, don't go trying to second guess why, you will just blame yourself and I imagine you have enough of that already. I hate the destruction of A's, but not the people who have them, I hope you don't go back if he comes calling, not until he is divorced or moved out, TBH, no one deserves to be someone else's secret. You are worth more. Pain is a process you will have to go through, it doesn't last and you will get through it and out the other side. Try not to dwell on it, easy to say, there will be times in the next few days when you will unpick everything you did, everything you said and wonder if there was anything you could have done for him to leave and be with you. Thing is SP, if he was leaving, he would have left and nothing you could do or say would change that. When they leave they leave for themselves or because they have been kicked out. Take very good care of yourself, try distraction, talk, talk, talk, howl at the moon, but keep telling yourself that this is a small part of the journey that is life and vow with all your heart that when you next give your heart to someone, that they are free and good enough to deserve it. Take care xx Seren
phillyfan Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 (edited) First time here, and need some insight and wisdom. Began in early 2010, the connection was immediate. We click on political, musical, spiritual, intellectual, sexual levels. He's been married to his wife for 16 years, 2 kids - 10 & 14. Apparently, it's the classic roommate relationship, he admitted they got married for the wrong reasons, the "sex has always been awkward", and frankly, she may be a low level lesbian or asexual. Last year he went thru about 9 months of counseling, because "he wouldn't be able to forgive himself" if he didn't try for the kids. In 16 months, we have only seen each other 15 times, including 2 quick trips. End of June, he had an "epiphany" and realized he was going to get out. They've talked this summer, have decided to divorce. I basically told him, "I'm done". He went on vacation, came back, sent me email, that they agreed to divorce, only needed to figure how to tell the kids and logistics. Well, a few days ago, he told her about the affair. She was calm at first, but then later in the day - freaked out. Now he is dealing with her "sadness" and they are "sorting out their issues". Wanting to wait to tell kids until after mid-terms, one of the kids has "issues". So, here I sit, wondering if he is actually beginning to reconcile out of guilt, or if her told me the truth. What do I do? I am so lost right now. Confused. Last conversation was Friday where we agreed this was "the real thing". Lots of spiritual signs. But, and he's admitted it - he's weak, lacks courage. What should I do? I am in agony, we were so close and then did he tell her to finalize the divorce decision or to subconsciously drop a bomb on her to see if she would fight for him? I need advice. Thank you. Jeez dude he told u his wifes a lesbian - yea rite - n all he does is complain about how *****y his life is. Wtf is a low level lesbian btw? Girl, u r betta off out of this nasty situation, the guy aint good. Edited August 30, 2011 by phillyfan
woinlove Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 sad puppy, so sorry you are hurting. As Seren said, please don't second guess yourself or think what if. MM may not even fully understand himself why he finally confessed to his W. All you can know for sure is that he was/is not finished with his M, despite what he said earlier. This is your chance to set yourself free, heal and choose the life you want and deserve. I hope you have confided in a good friend or in family, so they can support you during this rough time. I think it helps a lot to confide and get the support of someone who loves you. And focus on loving yourself.
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