Author sleepykitten Posted September 21, 2011 Author Posted September 21, 2011 Day 16. Was on a course today so a nice change from the usual routine of work and 2 long journeys there and back. I did do something incredibly stupid though, i went to look on his new g/f face book-I was at home feeling ok ish, its been on my mind for the past few days and i thought...sod it, just bloody look then, i had created another fb account and e mail but couldnt log in to the e mail to re activate that account...couldnt remember password or any of the questions......THANK GOD!!!!! I think this was a sure sign of something from above be it the universe, higher power, whatever, I am so grateful as otherwise i would be sitting here now crying. I think the question to myself is why did I do that, what is it in me that wants to do something I know would hurt me? Is it just about reaching out and keeping myself in the same place, am I scared of moving on, am I scared of really never speaking to him again as I know seeing stuff would probably then lead me to ring or e mail or text, even though i dont have his number i am sure i could work it out have done that before. If only I put as much effort and thought and head space into work or something constructive I would be excelling at it! This is definatly an addiction! As i felt myself, rationalise, justify, etc anything to just get my hit....of something that is toxic and bad. Luckilly I couldnt and could reflect instead. This spurs me on, as i feel i had a near miss and do NOT want to break nc. I know its that tomorrows her bday and its been on my mind since last week, been dreading it. Am out all day at a course tomorrow and then out for drinks afterwards, i may hide my laptop somewhere hard to reach so if i get in drunk I dont start all this again!!!
Author sleepykitten Posted September 23, 2011 Author Posted September 23, 2011 Day 18...cant believe I have made it past that 2 week stage, each day i manage it i feel proud, even though i have struggled the past few days. I am shattered today, where i live is right near a huge night club and the road i live down is narrow with tall buildings so when all the students tip out at 3 a.m the noise always wakes me up, its like a street party in my bedroom, so i have had 6 hrs sleep in the past 2 days. I have put up with this for a yr and a half and some days have been awful can barely function as am so tired. I do think this must take its toll after a while. I know that everything seems alot worse when youre sleep deprived! Thankfully I am moving out in 4 weeks or so, the thought of peaceful nights sleep everynight is unbelievable, I cant wait to go. I have been really miserable in this flat, even before my break up mainly because of the noise and sleep issues. i am hoping once i am out of there and back into a decent pattern of sleep,( as even if i am staying at a friends i automatically now wake up at 3 a.m, ) things will start looking up. At the moment I do feel a bit stuck i have to say.
Author sleepykitten Posted September 25, 2011 Author Posted September 25, 2011 Sunday-day 20 nc.....A break to my usual routine of out for cocktails on a friday night, went over to my dads for dinner which was nice, its only the past yr i have reconnected with him after 10 yrs so building those bridges i think has helped me alot with resentments i clung on to about childhood stuff. Saturday eve i went over to see this guy i have been seeing for the past couple of months, its not a relationship and he is aware of this, I do like his company but i dont think its going anywhere, he is too young and such a big part of me worries that I am only seeing him because i am terrified of really being on my own without anyone who "feels" something for me. That said i dont want to hurt him and have been honest from the outset with him, but I fear its keeping me in a "stuck" place where I am not really making any progress, am I just waiting for someone else to come along and sweep me up and make me feel "whole" again. I know only i can do this, but easier said than done. So with this in mind I am spending the next 3 weekends not seeing him at all. Am nervous about this but know its something i need to do. I do have loads i need to do and i want to make an effort in being on my own.
Author sleepykitten Posted September 26, 2011 Author Posted September 26, 2011 Monday-day 21. This morning for some reason was so tempted to break nc, combination of nice weather coming up this weekend and memories of a place we went to in the spring that we said we would re visit in the autumn. Went so far as to write his number down, well try to as i dont have it only know the end few digits but amazingly enough once i kew that i guessed the rest a few months ago and called him. Not today though, i came on here, posted a new thread that i needed some encouragement and just getting those few replies made me feel stronger. Just read something on here today about the" reality of him", and the missing isnt so much missing him but missing someone, that coupled with the hurt ego of him meeting someone else so swiftly and feeling replaced. The truth is, I knew i wouldnt end up with him long term as he wasnt right for me, we were incompatible, i just wanted to be loved and wanted to have someone to love, for a year we had the honeymoon phase and when reality kicked in and we hit some tough spots he shut down then bailed when i treid to work things out. I would have stayed with him but for the wrong reasons-not wanting to be alone, or start again, believing in the fantasy of the man he pretended he was at the beginning, i ignored all the red flags that popped up after that, living at home at 36 and having your mum do all your washing etc is a pretty big red flag that was there from day one, as was him living with me practically yet not contributing except for picking up some milk on the way home. Yet I chose to put up with this and make excuses for it, why? because i thought i could change him, or that he loved me enough to want to make an effort. Because I woanted to be the "one", all my life i have felt insignificant and less than, my outward behaviour when out with friends etc doesnt portray this, but inside I always think the worst, not so much now, I am attempting bit by bit to change it as i know having such a low self esteem and sense of self worth leads you to stay in situations that are toxic and damage you further. So, I have started pelican petes challenge he posted, i have stopped seeing the rebound fling at least for the next 3 weeks to give myself some time and space to be properly alone, I will stay nc no matter how tempted i get or how low I feel.
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