sleepykitten Posted August 28, 2011 Posted August 28, 2011 SO-short version-broke up end of may, break up sex, mixed signals all through June, last saw him 1st july. Found out mid july he has been with someone met her 2 days after our break up, he denied sleeping with her and me and june but her fb page is open for all to see and there was lots of details! Ouch that was a kicker. Prior to finding that out i had been ok, the june was terrible, lost weight barely could function usual b/u feelings of pain, panic, sadness. After an e mail to him in Aug saying i knew about his new g/f and i saw him in a totally different light, etc he had said throughout how he missed me, how in july he only just was feeling the pain of our break up. I went nc, then met up with him last week. I was feeling really strong had great support from here, didnt stroke his ego wasnt sad, he said how confident and happy i seemed and how he hadnt dealt with things well, met his g/f and was "filling a hole" left by our split, he still loves me i am close to perfection...i took it all with a pinch of salt as i know he is good with words not actions, and certainly not good at dealing with difficult emotions. Anyway since wed I am feeling totally flat, and although not back to square one still have that weight of sadness on my shoulders. He text to say "i know i need to sort myself out and i will I hope we can catch up soon" Nc for me now as i am too confused, its like he has given me hope, but I dont want it in a way because i know what he is like. I feel so disapointed in myself for feeling blue becasue i was doing pretty well. Part of me wants him to want me back and make the effort he didnt make when we were together. How do I let go of this, and why is it there??
ConfusedT Posted August 28, 2011 Posted August 28, 2011 stick to NC. He does not sound like he knows what he wants and is being very wishy-washy. That never helps the situation. But time and allowing everyone to deal with their emotions differently will always help even if it doesn't bring the people back together.
GgirlBgirl Posted August 28, 2011 Posted August 28, 2011 Really reflect on your relationship. All those times he made you upset, hurt you, made you doubt yourself or feel bad about yourself and remember that all the mayo in the world won't turn chicken s*** into chicken salad.
Author sleepykitten Posted August 29, 2011 Author Posted August 29, 2011 Really reflect on your relationship. All those times he made you upset, hurt you, made you doubt yourself or feel bad about yourself and remember that all the mayo in the world won't turn chicken s*** into chicken salad. Now thats a good quote!!! So....day 3, and am feeling better, deactivated my fb account, even though I had blocked him and his new g/f, I am just fed up of knowing everything about everyone and comparing my life to other peoples and their happy relationships splashed all over the screen. Time to stop focusing on what everyone else has and focus on what i have got and what i want. Today was filled and I mean filled with thoughts of him, the past, good times, but for the first time ever, rather than getting down as soon as i thought them i thought of something else. And yes he is wishy washy and always was, that wont change, he admitted the grass isnt greener though...theres a surprise!
ConfusedT Posted August 29, 2011 Posted August 29, 2011 i didn't block or deactivate, that's just my own personal belief. everyone has to do what is best for them though. At least you got him to admit that. i doubt mine EVER will, if we even speak again. i guess the worst part is that my best friend is related to him by marriage and i am a friend of the family before i was with him. so we will inevitably end up together at the same party/event again, i just hope by that time, I will be over him!!! focus on the bad is good, but sometimes those glasses you are wearing only let you see the good, at least for me. ive been trying to focus on other things, but when youre in pain, sometimes its just too much, ya know? but hopefully for you, you can and will. are you NC?
Author sleepykitten Posted August 30, 2011 Author Posted August 30, 2011 Yes I am NC but am struggling, feel there is so much I want to say to him have written an e mail but not sent it, am hoping this will pass. Its been such a rollercoaster, one day ok, the next crippling emotional pain, jelously,just want it to be over.
Author sleepykitten Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 What a difference a day makes-didnt do anything much last night except finish reading "one day" which was brilliant, and cooked, which is a good sign as usually I just dont eat let alone chop and mix things in a pan. For some reason last night and this morning I feel better, which is wierd as yesterday morning and afternoon I felt like bursting into tears and just wanted to crawl into bed. For today am going to enjoy the respite and hope it lasts a while. Finally some peace.
GgirlBgirl Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 Good for you. I'm hoping that moving brings me some peace or at the very least less triggers that throw me into sadness. I too feel stronger but as I type this and can't sleep, I know that my body is reacting to my emotions. The memories are becoming less pronounced and I haven't seen a pic of him in weeks. Gotta stay positive.
Author sleepykitten Posted August 31, 2011 Author Posted August 31, 2011 Good for you. I'm hoping that moving brings me some peace or at the very least less triggers that throw me into sadness. I too feel stronger but as I type this and can't sleep, I know that my body is reacting to my emotions. The memories are becoming less pronounced and I haven't seen a pic of him in weeks. Gotta stay positive. I am moving too-in october-I cant wait, theres so many memories in my flat and I have never really liked it even when we were together! Its good to hear you feel stronger, hopefully each day will bring you closer to feeling happy. I found 2 songs which really had some meaning-"Fighter" by Christina Aguilara, and "Rolling in the deep" by Adele, both are great feeling stronger done with the ex type songs. Love them! Stay positive, nc helps, hard, but if you can do it and ride through the difficult days you will come out stronger for it.
Author sleepykitten Posted September 1, 2011 Author Posted September 1, 2011 So today it was a week and a day ago I last saw him and a week since his last text saying " I know I need to sort myself out and I will" I still have no idea what that means for me but I am in a much better place emotionally, yesterday and this morning were good, but after a long bus journey home with far too much time spent ruminating on whys and how could he.....I flipped to feeling sad and lonely, ahh this rollercoaster ride we are all on!One minute i am gripped with panic and thoughts of him and his new girlfriend leave me crushed. A few hrs later I am calm, know he wasnt good enough, know it was my issues and fear of abandonment that lept me clinging when it was falling apart. The days like yesterday are like sun on an endless grey week, but when it goes behind a cloud you feel it all the more. I am so sick of still thinking about him. At least I am thin now! Silver lining! Have saved a ton of money on food shopping, but probably spent it all in the self help section of Waterstones. Have maintained nc and my dignity for another day at least. Now, wheres my fags!
Author sleepykitten Posted September 16, 2011 Author Posted September 16, 2011 Well-nc re instated a 12 days ao as he called last monday to tell me something about his brother moving, i wouldnt have answered (i hope) but it was a private/no number. It caught me so off guard, i was already a hormonal mess, and had made the mistake of looking on his new g/f facebook profile the night before, so it was all fresh and painful again, jeez when will i ever learn!!! Maybe now???? Anyway, speaking to him set me off down that hill and into the crazy fog dark place for the next few days. I was so dissapointed in myself for giving away my feelings on the phone and probably for boosting his ego as i didnt sound too happy and did ask him questions, all of which i got the answers at the time i was seeking "is she the one?" Answer "no, not at all" why are you with her "it helps me to heal and its a bit of fun", sure better than him saying yes he loves her. But the point is, i dont want him to think i care anymore, and as i write this in retropect 12 days later, i am in a different place. Sure there are sharp pains but its fleeting. And after that latest fall and subsequent few days of tears I made the decision, enough is enough....I know without doubt I dont want to be back with him, i know he wasnt the person he pretended to be that first year, i know he has a tonne of issues none of which i need to fix or even tell him about. So why am i feeling so bad-rejection, ego, my abandonment issues. Since day 1 I have come a long way, sure i have made some mistakes but thats ok, to not learn from them now that would be a waste. So its day 12-i have never made it past 2 weeks before. Wish me luck.
Mack05 Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 Kitten you are doing great. You go girl! (I can't pull that off can I?). I promise you it gets better. I know what its like to remunerate with your thoughts over and over again. Thoughts about the relationship, is he genuine?, good times, bad times etc etc etc. At times it is soul destroying. When you feel yourself doing thiis, try stopping yourself and bringing all this inwards towards you. Allow yourself to feel your emotions. Read some self help book (they really help). Getting past your breakup is the best one I have read. When you feel weak and you want to break NC write your ex a letter that you never sent. Pour your heart and soul into it. You will be amazed how theraputic writing all this stuff down is. The gym is an AMAZING way to beat depression. Long walks, long baths, post here, talk to family and friends. Do whatever it takes, but don't ever reply or break NC with this guy again. He will never be good for you. He will never be able to give you, what you truly crave. Real Emotional fullfilment. Here is a great quote that the lovely geegirl gave me, when I was going through tough times during my last break up. "You can put lipstick on a pig, but it is still a pig". His new girl sounds really classy, posting sexual details on Facebook. She sounds a keeper. NOT! Rise above it and show your class Kitten. When you have grieved and healed you will be ready to meet a guy, far more deserving of you then lipstick piggy. I wish well
Author sleepykitten Posted September 16, 2011 Author Posted September 16, 2011 Some things i need to do to keep me focused are Set goals-both short and long term Set boundries-something I have had major problems with in the past Goals-quit smoking-i only re started it when i was unhappy and now its a habit again Eat well- since the break up i have really neglected this aspect of myself, i have an eating disorder and am aware that this is a control thing as is the feeling of liking feeling "empty". I know this is not healthy. So need to cook at least once a day for myself, not doing so is becasue I dont think i am worth the effort and because I am scared to put on weight, i would never tell anyone else this its good to have a safe space here to be totally honest. Move flats - this i am doing...hooray Get a new job - as my current one pays so badly and treats the staff with no respect. I liken staying in it to staying in an abusive relationship - i have done one course, and am on another on next week, with a view to moving by april next yr as these 2 courses will help immensly in finding another job . Exercise - i only go once a week at the moment, but i love it, do boxercise, so hard work but very theraputic Anyway these are a few short term goals, need to go as am at work-and not doing much of it! How are you all doing?
Author sleepykitten Posted September 16, 2011 Author Posted September 16, 2011 Hi Mack-thanks so much for your reply, i often read your posts and get so much from them. I felt terrible last week, and thinking of the e mails i sent him at the start of our b/u, none of them begging ones, more like i understand what this is, i accept it, i need to have n/c...then i would contact him...cringe!!! At the time they came from a place where i was fighting and feeling pretty strong, but now i wonder if i shouldnt have just left it. Hindsight eh? Youre so right in that i do crave real emotional fulfilment, and I think i projected that onto him, i totally ignored all the red flags waving, i dont know if you have read any of my other posts, but he was a bit of a mummys boy and i think looking back, quite emotionally retarded in that he would just shut down when anything needed to be dealt with. It has made me have to face alot of my fears and issues, its painful but i hope by doing it I can go on to have a healthy loving equal relationship where no one is trying to "save" or fix the other.
Author sleepykitten Posted September 16, 2011 Author Posted September 16, 2011 How wierd, and what a coincidence! Just finished writing on here the above 2 posts-and i get a text, have deleted his no. but recognised the last few numbers! It said Oh double sh*T...it didnt say that but just as i was looking to see what it said i went to openit , but it was already open so instead i had accidenty pressed reply and send-so sent a blank text!!!! while it was sending i was tried putting it under the desk to see if it would not go. Bloody bugger and fk! Anyway the stupid text said "just thought i'd text and say Hi. No news but hope alls good.ps my brother really appriciated the card, it was lovely thank u x" I wasnt going to reply at all, but now i have just sent a blank text!! Someone PLEASE tell me this is ok and i havent broken nc, and what will he think. Oh i feel like an alcholic that has innocently had a mince and discovered it has rum in, someone anyone, oh i am having a panic..... Why on earth did he send me that text! Oh i am cross at myself for getting in a flap, and i have never liked my phone, its too small and the buttons always do the wrong things. Oh .....!!!!!!!!!
Mack05 Posted September 16, 2011 Posted September 16, 2011 Deep breaths Kitten. It's ok. Don't apologise or reply (I am sure he will reply saying he didn't get anything). Just forget about it and keep on the same course of action.
Author sleepykitten Posted September 16, 2011 Author Posted September 16, 2011 Ok....thanks, i love being called Kitten, makes me feel safe! There is probably all sorts of issues to be read into that lol!!!
Author sleepykitten Posted September 18, 2011 Author Posted September 18, 2011 Ok, so sunday night-almost midnight, after fridays blank text disaster I went out forgot about it, had a great night, felt confident and happy didnt really think about him at all, for the record he didnt text saying "i got a blank text etc" a part of me thinks he probably due to his massive ego thinks i am too distraught to bear to write anything and it wa some sort of symbolic message due to that! My friend who made me laugh out loud when i read this text on the bus tonight after telling her of his text asking hope alls good with you, then my blank text...said that i should have text back saying "sorry rolled on my phone while i was being licked out ps I'm fking great thanks" Its good to have friends like that, laughinging is definatly the best medicine!! Anyway, went out tonight on a spur of the moment thing with a friend to a good bar with live music, and its probably the first time I have had a few drinks, come home and not felt sad or tearful. As I was feeling drunk and ok, i did think "maybe i'll go on her (his new g/f's ) facebook profile...you know you do these things when youre drunk! But i didnt and i wont as since being nc for almost 2 weeks and not lookin on it I have come so far, and i know it will make me feel rubbish, even though i know I dont want him back and the hurt painful feeling isnt as strong or as apparent anymore. Maybe its a bit like self harm, as i know all it will do is make me feel awful and back to square one again. I dont know what he is feeling as he hasnt ever written on her wall or in reply to any of her million status about her "wonderful boyfriend" well, he may have done in the past 2 weeks i havent looked, but it really doesnt matter anymore. I know he wasnt good enough, i really do. I went out tonight and friday and felt happy, contented, confident and even though I havent met anybody else, I know I am going to be ok.The thing thats holding me back is just that he met someone 3 days later and it makes me so sad that i thought he was someone he really wasnt, and thats maybe not his fault, at the time i just had so much hope and wanted to be swept up in the romance we had to avoid the pain of my divorce, and i probably expected far too much and just wasnt in the right place to have a healthy relationship. One day though, i do want that. i know when I meet the right person i will give it my all despite this hurt and pain of the last few months.
Author sleepykitten Posted September 19, 2011 Author Posted September 19, 2011 Monday afternoon-tomorrow it will be 2 weeks NC, i dont count the accidental blank text sending!! I have never gone past 2 weeks before am quite excited. my only fly in the pintment of my achievement is that it is his new g/f birthday on wed-how dod i know this-from my previous looking on her f/b page. Oh how i wish i didnt know!! As i am imagining him buying her a card, choosing and wrapping a present, taking her out etc etc. Even when i bought milk the other day the best before date was 22nd and i put it back as it reminded me of this...wtf!! Even though i am feeling better, theres still pangs of stuff like this that make my chest hurt and make me loose my appitite and want to reach for the cigarettes. It doesnt help that this yr on my birthday he made no effort at all, and i really thought and hoped he would as he had become so complacent and i had spoken to him about it, we never went anywhere unless i arranged it etc, I just wanted him to show me that i was worth making an effort for, and i thought surely on my birthday he definitely will. The dissapointment was crushing, and i remember thinking if he cant do it on your birthday you havent got a hope here. i was in tears and a huge part of me wanted to end it with him there and then, it had been months of constant insecurity and broken promises and i felt totally defeted. As it stood we broke up 25 days later anyway. Next year had better be a better birthday!
Author sleepykitten Posted September 19, 2011 Author Posted September 19, 2011 Ok, so hateful bus journey home, after posting the above I felt crap thinking about it, thursday her bday is looming, i am beyond tempted to look on her fb, I am irritating myself with this constant itch. Also, i think, i just wanted him to fight for me, i thought i was really important to him, he told me often enough, his actions never matched his words though. I guess having some confidence and self esteem issues him not fighting for me, not wanting me, and being with someone who i see as not as good as me makes me feel worthless.
gbadboy Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 What I would give for my ex to send me a text saying "hope to catch up soon" This ultimately means your ex still wants to see you and that there might be a hope of reconcilliation in the near future after he sorts himself out. This should be a positive thing. What I would do, is use that text as a motivation to keep up with NC. Let him know you'll catch up with him when and when he's 100% ready to get back (provided at that time you are in fact ready yourself and your single) I never wanted to go NC with my ex on bad terms. I fought hard to get in good with the ex before I started NC. That way, his last memory of me is a positive one as was of mine. I wouldn't want my last memory of him to be one of an argument or that wouldn't help me in NC. So if you're in good with him, use that to motivate your NC.
Mack05 Posted September 19, 2011 Posted September 19, 2011 I guess having some confidence and self esteem issues him not fighting for me, not wanting me, and being with someone who i see as not as good as me makes me feel worthless. Kitten you don't need me to tell you this is the problem..The only person that can determine our self worth is us. Calling yourself 'worthless' is so damaging to your self esteem..Until you start working on your own flaws and stop focusing on your ex, you will continue to stay in this rut and this log will get bigger and bigger with more or less the same stuff in it..
Author sleepykitten Posted September 19, 2011 Author Posted September 19, 2011 Kitten you don't need me to tell you this is the problem..The only person that can determine our self worth is us. Calling yourself 'worthless' is so damaging to your self esteem..Until you start working on your own flaws and stop focusing on your ex, you will continue to stay in this rut and this log will get bigger and bigger with more or less the same stuff in it.. I know you are right Mack, and i dont want that, just going round and round in circles. I guess some days/hours are ok then some trigger or another sets it off, its learning how to effectivly deal with it thats the key. I need to be on my own for a significant amount of time and learn to create my own self worth and not need to be validated by anyone else. 2 weeks nc though! and no fb stalking either.
Author sleepykitten Posted September 19, 2011 Author Posted September 19, 2011 gbadboy-His text to me on fri was just to ease his conscience it said nothing at all "thought i'd say hi, hope alls good with you" that sort of thing. I would like to one day recieve some sort of regetful remorseful email/text but wouldnt we all, and i know i wont get it. He admits he needs to sirt himself out but is fully in rebound relationhip mode "hysterically bonding" i think is the clinical term for this and i have done that in the past myself to avoid certain feelings of guilt, emptyness, wanting to be rescued etc. I dont want to reconcile with him, although we didnt leave it on an argument and he seems to think "we will always have that closeness" I disagree, i dont like him, i dont respect him and I dont want him as friend, true its becasue i feel betrayed and hurt, but more so to have him around would not be good for me.
Author sleepykitten Posted September 20, 2011 Author Posted September 20, 2011 15 days no contact! this is the furthest I've made it so far!! Yesterday afternoon I had a bit of a down day, lots of thoughts of him and was feeling angry and upset, not crying upset just low. Think I have got a chest infection or something on its way as am not feeling great at all, maybe this had something to do with me not being in a great place yesterday as being ill on my own makes me feel more lonely and vunerable, for me it kinda of overides all my defences. At least i know its on its way and i will have to impliment some sort of "major incident protocol" and be prepared. I am moving out of my flat in less than a month so I have lots to organise and sort out and once I have moved that signifies my fresh start. Just going through one of the low bumps on that rollercoaster this week I think. Decided that to try and get my self out of it, everyday i will write what I am grateful for and what i have to look forward to, I have done this before and it really does help, gets me out of that cycle of depression thats easty to fall into.
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