Moving On From a Bad marriage/Relationship

[Downtown]

I want to know how she moved out of our home & straight into this guys house. Is her new r/s better than our marriage was?

At an intellectual level, Dub, you already know the answers to those questions. Yet, because you are trying to internalize that knowledge and convince your inner child of its validity, I will repeat what I wrote earlier:

A BPDer desperately needs to find a stable man who will serve as her emotional anchor. As occurred with you, she will be convinced he has come to save her and is the perfect man. Yet, as soon as the infatuation evaporates -- typically in 3 to 6 months -- her two great fears will return and she will start abusing him too.

Instead of being jealous of your exW, Dub, you should be feeling deeply sorry for her. I would not wish her predicament -- having strong BPD traits -- on my worst enemy. Such traits mean that she has such a terrible emptiness inside -- and such instability -- that she likely will spend her entire life convinced she is "a victim." Because that false self image is the only shred of a self image that she has, she desperately hangs onto it -- and will only enter into LTRs with men who validate that false image. There are only two ways to do that.

 

One is to be "the savior," which validates her as being "the victim" because she is "being saved" from something. Yet, as you saw yourself, that role largely ends in six months when her infatuation with the man ends. After that, the periods of "splitting him white" are sporadic and usually get further and further apart. That is, the adoration periods will occur just often enough to keep him addicted to the toxic relationship, if he is codependent like you and me. If not, he will be gone within 18 months because he will enforce his personal boundaries and leave.

 

Hence, the only other way that the man can validate her "victim" image is to play the role of "perpetrator," i.e., the cause of all her misfortunes. This is why here current BF will soon be blamed for every mistake and will be verbally abused until he leaves -- or she leaves him. Then your exW will find herself another "savior." As I said, she likely cannot stand being alone by herself due to her emotional instability. She needs someone around to ground and anchor her goals and feelings. For that reason, she almost certainly had the new guy lined up before jumping ship from you.

 

Eventually, you will come to realize -- at a gut level -- that her leaving you was one of the best things that ever happened to you. And you will come to appreciate that your several years with her has given you an insight into basic human feelings and motivations that few men ever achieve in a lifetime. It also has shined a bright light on your excessive caregiver (i.e., codependent) nature, an issue that I share and am having to work on too.

[dub 1]

Here goes whats in my head now.

 

When I think back to meeting my exwbpd/npd six years ago.How she seduced me with her charms & the allure of sex.I was so taken in by her even the fact she is a muslim & I am catholic.I loved the fact she did not drink alcohol as I am in AA nearly 15 years thank god a day at a time.I was gulible & believed her when she said to me one of her faults is she gets into trouble for telling the truth.This was the very first lie she told me.The next thing she wanted was a baby by me.I found this very strange to date her & to try for a baby as we were both in are forties.

 

Next big thing she demanded was me to get circumcised as her religion dictated.I was very nervous as I never was in hospital.I did agree as soon as she got pregnant,faith decreed that she did not get pregnant even though she has three children.I was blessed that I never went through with this op.

 

I still cannot understand why she left her kids behind in the UK to marry me.I remember asking her to live with me rather than take the big step.She said she is not allowed to live with a man unless she is married.What dam lies now it makes me boil with anger.She planed to move in with her new guy even though he drinks alcohol & has not worked in years.This brings up so much jealousy in me.

 

I really believed when the court finally granted separation she would return to her kids.As I have said she did not which I just can't understand.What is the effect on

her kids as she abandoned them.They were very polite & quiet & could be taken to any function.I think this was only a facade to fool me & my family when they came to visit.

 

I hope I can be helpful to others & in so may find ways of thanking god for my escape.If we had had a baby my life would have been pure torture.The baby would give her so much legal status & I would have been kicked out of my house.I know this is why she married me so I could not throw her out.If we had not have married I would have left her long time ago.

 

Ok so I hope this is the way to write my story

Edited October 31, 2011 by dub 1

[dub 1]

Hi Everyone

 

 

 

Please please help me with my emotions & my deep obsession with my xwbpd.I think I will go mad with my mind,I cannot stop thinking of her with her guy.I saw them both in my village last Sat & it made me feel sick.,The deep pain I feel hurts so much,I find it so hard living on my own.I have my house but no one to talk to at night,I feel so lonely and sad.I hate were I am in my emotions & wish I had a way out.I am a good person who try's to not wrong another human being.I got sober so not to be a doormat & to look with positivity in this world.I hate that I got F..k up by my xbppd & got sucked into her horrible web of deceit & lies & dramas.I wrote on this site my last post & got no feed back which I feel hurt & sad by.I thought I was using this site the rite way,but maybe not so.

 

 

 

I am in a spiral of deep decline & can’t find my way out,I am loosing all faith in myself & starting to doubt my abilities.I felt so strong in making my decision to end the nightmare & went thru to the legal end.Now I feel at times she was right when she said to me more than once ‘ I will make you suffer like you have never before’ . She inflicted so much pain emotionally that I lost myself in the r/s marriage.

 

 

 

I am feeling so sorry for myself now & this I hate because its not recovery.I go to bed to sleep & there she is in my head all around me.I even wake up 2am then 4am & she is all around me.I find it so hard to stay emotionally healthy & even physically healthy.I don’t know what to do & how to move on & get positive.I am bursting with anger,jealousy & revenge oh sweet revenge.How in Gods name can she just F..k up my head my life,my kids & walk away into another r/s.She has no f...king heart or soul,I was nothing but kind & there for her 110%.I wish I could roll back the clock & just never have met her.

 

 

 

I am sorry to loveshack for ranting & maybe this site is not for me ??

 

 

 

Maybe someone might have felt or feels like me I don’t know.

 

 

 

But by god it hurts like hell........

 

 

 

Please help me please .........

[Owl]

I think that you really need to see a therapist. Reading this thread, and your comments, I think that you are going to need some professional help to assist you in recovering from all that you have been through.

 

Please seek help from someone who can provide you some individual counseling/therapy and help you deal with the emotions and problems that you're coping with right now.

[Yasuandio]

Dear Kind-hearted Sir,

 

I don't write much anymore on LS, as my directness can sometimes get "over the top," due to my own pain, confusion, ups/downs, withdrawal, and on-ing antagonism I am enduring.

 

I find myself in now the 3rd year of the divorce process, but only discover LS last year. If I had learned about the insightful Loveshack community, and the plethora of resources recommended to me, recommended readings they recommend NC, 180, etc., early on, I think I would be much, much further along in my healing process.

 

The first thing I want to share with you is a simple but valuable suggestion I received recently from my NEW therapist. He said "I need to put myself in places and situations where I will have positive experiences."

 

Background:

 

At first I thought I had "been there, done that." For instance, I had already taken ACTION to tremendously reduce the possibility/opportunity/chances for many negative experiences to happen. Here are some examples:

 

1. I blocked my phone so it can not receive OR dial out my spouses number. (in three years, nothing has been said on the phone to make me feel good - actually, just the opposite).

 

2. I have stopped REACTING to private investigation that are sent out to follow me, and observe my home. I simply ignore them rather than freaking out. (for a long time, this legal form of "stalking had me out of my mind, u can read about in my threads if you like).

 

3. For three years I developed alternate routes to handle my business, and made every effort to be as physically faraway from my spouse as possible.

 

NOW, those are a few examples of what I did to dramatically avoid "negative experiences." However, the new therapist idea was to increase "positive experiences," which really had never occurred to me. Before I give you my recent examples of "positive experiences," I want to tell you that I think BOTH are equally important.

 

You are having a number of "Negative Experiences." In some cases, you have to bear the "negative experience" time and time again. For example, you are having occasions to see your former wife and her new SO over and over and over. I challenge you. How might you avoid the potential of encountering your former wife, with or without her new friend? Seeing her with someone else will continue to cause you pain, and perhaps anger, at some point.

 

Consider taking each negative and create some way to lessen it. You need to start with the one we just discussed first.

 

Positive Experiences

 

I still feel terrible, even though I got rid of many "negative situations." well, indeed, I should feel better in theory, right? Without the crazy phone calls, neurotic obsession about being watched, making a complete idiot out of myself on many occasions, and the list goes on - it is so embarrassing pathetic I was.

 

But Now, I do not have a chance to do anything pathetic because I changed my pattern of behaviors. That is, I've committed to avoiding any possible "negative experience" with my soon to be, hopefully, former spouse. That is exactly what behaviors you WILL NEED to embrace in order to heal. Everytime you see her, think of her, it's salt in the wound. If you don't see her AT ALL, that would be moving into the right direction. It is not easy to implement. But with time, your self exteme and confidence will return.

 

That is sort of where I am now. But, like I said, it still hurts, not as bad though. And this is where introducing POSTIVE EXPERIENCES favor in, they are entirely different. Having coffee every morning with my old university colleague and friend (which means you have to get up and dress). Getting my hair done! Being out of town over a month working on the rental house, going out just to go out. These seem like little things, but they are the little things that totally dropped out of my life with this husband.

 

This is what the new therapist is talking about. Add more of these types of positive experiences back into my life.

 

I have some more ideas I will write about. Hope these can be helpful for now, because my battery is almost dead!

Edited November 3, 2011 by Yasuandio

[Downtown]

Dub, I agree with Owl that you are hurting so badly that it is important to keep seeing your therapist or -- if you are not pleased with her advice -- ask around for a recommendation for a better therapist. What has she told you other than the need for you to be in touch with your feelings instead of simply intellectualizing. Given your outpouring of pain on this forum, it is hard to imagine that you are having any difficulty being in touch with your feelings. I'm not saying she is wrong but, rather, that it is hard to see that based only on what you write here.

 

When you are in that much pain, it is difficult for you to see clearly and professional guidance is really needed. Because it is hard to see the cause of one's own pain, even the professional's go to their colleagues for guidance when they are suffering. I also like Yasuandio's suggestion that you make every effort to have as many positive experiences as possible.

[dub 1]

Thank you kindly for all the advice,I am going to my T on Tues & will have a good chat with her.I hope I can explain how much pain I have been in.I have started going to more meetings.Fri night I got home around 11.30pm which was great.Sat I got up 8am & drove up to my friends for the day & done a nice walk & had dinner.Got home around 12.30am just in tie for bed.

 

I kinda know I have to go tru the process of grieving the loss of M.The positive things I am trying is to avoid seeing my xwbpd.It is easy at the mo as it is festival of eid & she should be abroad playing happy families with her mom & dad & her kids.

 

I felt so low the past few weeks,my thinking & remembering her was & is so blured.She was so full of her dramas & I allowed her mentally to torture me.So I found the courage to stand up for myself & say no to her.That was the end & turning point for me.

 

I know I should not wish her bad in her new r/s but thats hard for me.She laid out all her criteria when I met her,because she is a false musim.Now she is living with a guy which is against her religion as she told me in the past.

 

Sorry but it does hurt writing this,I feel like everything she told me was lies.Yes she looked at me in the eyes & said she loved me.This is all hard to work tru.

 

I will keep writing & try anything that will help.

 

God knows I sure try my very best.

[Downtown]

I know I should not wish her bad in her new r/s but thats hard for me.

As long as you don't act on your bad and resentful thoughts, there is nothing wrong with having them. Because you are hurt and angry, it means that you are in touch with those feelings -- which is healthy. Moreover, the anger is your friend. You can use it as a crutch to walk away from your toxic relationship. Because it is so difficult for us caregivers to walk away from a sick loved one, holding onto that anger usually is our only chance of having the strength to leave. Then, after a year of being safely away from her, you should kick away the crutch. At that point, it would only eat away at you and become self destructive. By the way, I'm very glad to hear that you feel you've reached a "turning point." I hope you can stay the course! Like I said, it is extremely painful for us caregivers -- being the "fixers" we are -- to walk away from the toxic, addictive relationship we have with a BPDer.

[dub 1]

I spoke with my T & was so angry as I felt I was not moving on.She was very gud & challenged me to what did I need.I told her I felt stuck & my emotions were at boiling point.

 

I got my answer ...

 

When I made my decision to end my toxic r/s in may 2010.I only separated in my head & blocked my feelings or surpressed them as I have done most of my life.I felt like I cud not express my emotions or show weekness around my exbpd/npd.It was so difficult not talking to her & getting her anger & rages everytime I was around her.I was so silent living in my home,it was terrible locking my bedroom door.We lived like this till legal sep july 2011,wat a nightmare.I always felt she was so strong & I found it so so hard to voice my feelings.I suppose I lost myself the day I met her,I fell for the allure of seduction, her sexyness.She spun my head & I felt so so lucky.

 

But as you know my luck changed from being the luckiest guy in the world.To walk down the street with a lady that turned heads oh it was cool.Then it all changed to me loosing myself my individuality,oh how un-happy I was.I did not know how to work this out.I tried to talk to her,I wrote her a letter,I asked for meetings to talk things over.I used the magic word to compromise.This woman was not for changing no mattter how many times I cried with frustration in front of her.

 

Nothing wud change her thinking,I was doomed & told it was my fault her life was a mess.My kids were delinquents & not like her beautiful kids thats why they cud not b allowed visit our home.As they drank alcohol they cud rape her in our home.I think I thought I was mad because I cud not understand were this all was comming from ?There was so many horrible things said about me & my family.

 

Funny if she knocked on my door & wanted to talk to me,it wud only be because she is trying a new angle to hook me in.I loved her to bits & only ever wanted us to be happy.But that was in the past & nothing will ever change what she done.I cannot live in the past & must slowly move on.

 

I have so much positivity to offer the world,I came into recovery from a life of desperation & unmanageabilty.I found a way to live far beyong my wildest dreams.God showed me the path I searched all my life for.I was so lost for many years ,such sad & painful times you can't imagine.

 

I have a lot to offer & maybe this bad r/s will be of benifit in my new future.I sure hope so.

 

Well all that felt so gud to write , I just wanted to put it down in words.

[Downtown]

Dub, thanks for giving us another update. I am glad to hear that you are still seeing your therapist and that she is being helpful. I believe you will find a lot of help at the other website too. Although you have a good intellectual understanding of what happened in your toxic marriage, it may take another year or so for your feelings to catch up to your intellectual awareness. That is normal. It takes a while to internalize all that knowledge to the point that you deeply feel it to be true -- turning knowledge into wisdom.

[dub 1]

Therepy for me......

 

I have just had a light bulb moment with my therepist & I am greatful to her & to me.

I was running in the blame game for so long & getting no where.

I felt stuck & not able to move on in my emotions.

 

Last two sessions with T was so enlighting.

First she challenged me & got me angry which was scarry for me,But I needed this.

Second she asked me to look at my part in the r/s.

I take 100% responsibility for all my actions )dood & bad).

 

I spoke about where I was & the anger frustrations helplessness heartache.

I gave so much more than my 50% & got lost.

 

I looked deep into my past & yes I was able to admit I did causes some unhappy times in the r/s.

It was a revelation for me thank god.

 

Even though this is very similar to my own twelve step programe.

I am working in the right directions which is very good with me.

 

I felt so upset so unhappy with my decision to end my marriage even though it was all I could do.

 

I hope I can help some other people on this site.

[Downtown]

Dub, I'm so glad to hear that your therapy sessions are finally starting to pay off and deliver results. You don't need to be hopeful about helping folks on this forum. You've already been doing so by sharing your experiences. Have a great Thanksgiving Day tomorrow!

[dub 1]

Hi Downtown

 

Thank you again,you have been so helpful to me.

 

I wish I had known about this site long ago.

 

Fact is even if I did I would not have been open to the advice.

 

Happy Thanks Giving.