No contact?? really?

[sleepessinoh]

I am sure that I will get torn up in this post and maybe that is what I need. I am sitting here thinking about no contact and what it means. I read the no contact post that someone suggested last night and the mere thought of no contact makes me cry and not ale to breathe. I tried to end this thing months ago because I was developing feelings. He held on for dear life and of course I got sucked right back in. This is my first time as a OW. I ended it 2 weeks ago. I was an idiot for falling for a man who had no intentions of changing his life. I was told that when this started. But I fell for the amazing passion, him being so attentive. He travels alot and so we talked for hours and everyday...except of course weekends when he was home. I developed this friendship with him and the mere thought of no longer having that kills me. He still contacts me and asks how I am doing. He asks me all of the time how dating is going. It sucks that a) he asks me and encourages it because it is best for me since he cant (or I learned last night on here wont ) give me what I deserve and b) dating sucks! He tells me he will do anything I ask him to do to help me get through this but is does not want to lose this friendship. I am still in the cloudy "my friend" phase. I am hurt and I am angry..but not at him, at me and at the world for me not getting to have what I want. I blame me not him. I cry all of the time when I am alone which I try to avoid at all costs these days. No contact seems so final and so harsh and it is forever?? I cant remotely face forever. I dont know if I could make it a month let alone forever. Is it really impossible to get past this love and still have him my life? We have alot less contact now and I have declined offers of lunch because I know seeing him would be terrible for me. I know if I told him no contact, he would respect my wishes as long as he thought it was temp for a few months and we could still be friends. Not that it is his choice I guess. But it sounds so harsh

[woinlove]

I am sure that I will get torn up in this post and maybe that is what I need. I am sitting here thinking about no contact and what it means. I read the no contact post that someone suggested last night and the mere thought of no contact makes me cry and not ale to breathe. I tried to end this thing months ago because I was developing feelings. He held on for dear life and of course I got sucked right back in. This is my first time as a OW. I ended it 2 weeks ago. I was an idiot for falling for a man who had no intentions of changing his life. I was told that when this started. But I fell for the amazing passion, him being so attentive. He travels alot and so we talked for hours and everyday...except of course weekends when he was home. I developed this friendship with him and the mere thought of no longer having that kills me. He still contacts me and asks how I am doing. He asks me all of the time how dating is going. It sucks that a) he asks me and encourages it because it is best for me since he cant (or I learned last night on here wont ) give me what I deserve and b) dating sucks! He tells me he will do anything I ask him to do to help me get through this but is does not want to lose this friendship. I am still in the cloudy "my friend" phase. I am hurt and I am angry..but not at him, at me and at the world for me not getting to have what I want. I blame me not him. I cry all of the time when I am alone which I try to avoid at all costs these days. No contact seems so final and so harsh and it is forever?? I cant remotely face forever. I dont know if I could make it a month let alone forever. Is it really impossible to get past this love and still have him my life? We have alot less contact now and I have declined offers of lunch because I know seeing him would be terrible for me. I know if I told him no contact, he would respect my wishes as long as he thought it was temp for a few months and we could still be friends. Not that it is his choice I guess. But it sounds so harsh

 

The ironic thing about NC is that it is most needed when you want to end the A but still feel like you can't imagine living life without some contact. It is harsh and difficult, but for most people, it is a path toward significantly lessened feelings that works. By maintaining NC and forcing one's actions, words, and thoughts toward other activities and people, and away from MM/MW, one typically is able to move toward a satisfied and happy life without MM/MW. Often maintaining contact makes this impossible. Although perhaps someone will pipe up with a counterexample, such as LC (light contact) working.

 

As to MM wanting you to date, I recognize this sentiment as I am in an open M. Because my M is my priority, I feel uncomfortable with a lover who focusses on me alone as a love interest, and feel compelled to encourage other romantic interests. Perhaps your MM feels like that if he wants to stay married. It really isn't the same being in a committed R and having a lover as opposed to only having one lover. I'd take his advice about dating seriously. It doesn't mean he wants to stop getting whatever he gets from you. He probably wants both his M and you and unless you are happy with that, NC may well be your best path.

[carhill]

If his and your styles of relationships, intimacy and love do not match up, he (and you) are like billions of other people in the world with whom he and you have no contact with nor synergy with. You're apparently here with a quandary about your emotional attachment and how to resolve it.

 

I walked your path many years ago. No contact, for myself, did not work alone. It later took professional therapy to break the cycle of unhealthiness, matching what my mind knew was healthy with what my emotions would never give up. Now there is peace, and the life lessons which come with it. Hopefully, you won't struggle into your 50's with such issues. It's not fun, trust me.

[MissBee]

You're not alone with feeling this way. I don't think anyone embraces the concept of NC during a breakup. I know I was resistant to it and it's like any form of attachment; prying yourself away from that attachment is not an easy matter. You automatically go into panic mode like you're drowning, and feel like it is impossible to let go and you start bargaining and trying to find ways to not let go fully. I've been there.

 

Having been there and out on the other side, I'll tell you that we are very resilient and the beauty of life is that you live and love more than once and you do move on from hurt and when relationships change, you do get over it and the new state eventually becomes the new normal With my affair partner 4 years ago, we had a great friendship, he initiated NC abruptly and for a year we did not speak. I was hurt, I rebounded for a while with someone, I missed our talks, I missed being able to share with him and I was angry. A year later he resurfaced and explained everything and that year of NC was actually a GREAT thing for me! I would never get what I needed from him and he acknowledged in his resurfacing that it wasn't fair and he felt it best to drop off the earth as there was no way for him to break up with me amicably and still be friends as his feelings would continue to grow and he wouldn't relate to me as a friend. He was right! As I too had "ended" the A many times and said we were friends but it NEVER worked out that way, as being in contact all the time really changed nothing. Today, we speak sometimes and can relate in a more normal way. We aren't like we used to be and I think he, more so than I, has made it so, so as not to cross the line again as we are so compatible that it would be very easy. Him not bei9ng one of my bestfriends anymore is normal to me now. It doesn't hurt, it isn't sad, life went on.

 

 

NC isn't final, in that this person will still exist and be around to speak to or form a friendship with AFTER you get over them. Trying to be friends before is always a trap and will always cause hurt and drama and you will take so much longer to move forward. NC allows you space to heal and get over them. It's not intended as some punishment or from malice. It's supposed to give you perspective and help you to release attachment. My ex AP did it to me and I felt like he was the worst person alive, but he actually showed a lot of care towards me and maturity by choosing to do that, as it was necessary and one of us had to do it, and chances are, it would not have been me. During NC, you'll be surprised the changes you go through in yourself, your views of the relationship, how you feel about this person, life without them etc. You'll find that the Universe aligns and life aligns for you and the void in your life where he was, gets filled with something else.

 

If a true friendship is meant to be, it will happen after you're over this person. Frantically trying to hold on to "friendship" while you're torn up, especially when the MP is encouraging you to date and so on is just really not a good idea as they're the ONLY one winning in this so-called friendship. They get to have you as a "friend" who would also jump to be back with them, sleep with them, stroke their ego, etc if need be, while you're still secretly hoping things will change and you're still attached to their presence.

 

NC is scary and seems like a great unknown, and it's normal. We can't often imagine our lives any other way than it currently is, but every single day life changes and we roll with it and we're always recreating normal so you'll be just fine! NC is for you to heal and I'm sure you'll do it in your own time when you realize that juggling a friendship and feelings is near impossible.

[MissBee]

The ironic thing about NC is that it is most needed when you want to end the A but still feel like you can't imagine living life without some contact. It is harsh and difficult, but for most people, it is a path toward significantly lessened feelings that works. By maintaining NC and forcing one's actions, words, and thoughts toward other activities and people, and away from MM/MW, one typically is able to move toward a satisfied and happy life without MM/MW. Often maintaining contact makes this impossible. Although perhaps someone will pipe up with a counterexample, such as LC (light contact) working.

 

As to MM wanting you to date, I recognize this sentiment as I am in an open M. Because my M is my priority, I feel uncomfortable with a lover who focusses on me alone as a love interest, and feel compelled to encourage other romantic interests. Perhaps your MM feels like that if he wants to stay married. It really isn't the same being in a committed R and having a lover as opposed to only having one lover. I'd take his advice about dating seriously. It doesn't mean he wants to stop getting whatever he gets from you. He probably wants both his M and you and unless you are happy with that, NC may well be your best path.

 

Great post! That's true and you expressed nicely what I meant by the friendship most likely benefiting him more so than her, in that he still wants what he wants from her but knows he can't be her one and only so it would be better if she dated others as well....but if the OP doesn't want other men, and she doesn't seem to, then her being friends with the MM will only be to her detriment and his benefit.

[sleepessinoh]

Great post! That's true and you expressed nicely what I meant by the friendship most likely benefiting him more so than her, in that he still wants what he wants from her but knows he can't be her one and only so it would be better if she dated others as well....but if the OP doesn't want other men, and she doesn't seem to, then her being friends with the MM will only be to her detriment and his benefit.

 

Thank you for your great insight. It is very scary to think about but I like your persepctive on it. It seemed like something to do when you are angry and I am not. I am just hurting. I know that my friendship with him benefits him more than me...it is like he needs to be needed. I do date. I actually have dated alot. I try anyway. I dont like anyone and maybe I am clouded by this. Probably actually. I have met one that I actaully like and dont think about mm when I am with him and have thought about him when I was with mm last time. But I am pretty sure this is going down the road to fwb and quite frankly I am sick of being a fwb which is what I am facing that I pretty much was here with this. I want more for me. I deserve more for me.

 

"Perhaps your MM feels like that if he wants to stay married. It really isn't the same being in a committed R and having a lover as opposed to only having one lover. I'd take his advice about dating seriously. It doesn't mean he wants to stop getting whatever he gets from you. He probably wants both his M and you and unless you are happy with that, NC may well be your best path."

 

You are so right and thank you for pointing that out to me. Like I said, I am in cloudy phase of this and that was great point to make and made me really think

[spice4life]

You're not alone with feeling this way. I don't think anyone embraces the concept of NC during a breakup. I know I was resistant to it and it's like any form of attachment; prying yourself away from that attachment is not an easy matter. You automatically go into panic mode like you're drowning, and feel like it is impossible to let go and you start bargaining and trying to find ways to not let go fully. I've been there.

 

Having been there and out on the other side, I'll tell you that we are very resilient and the beauty of life is that you live and love more than once and you do move on from hurt and when relationships change, you do get over it and the new state eventually becomes the new normal With my affair partner 4 years ago, we had a great friendship, he initiated NC abruptly and for a year we did not speak. I was hurt, I rebounded for a while with someone, I missed our talks, I missed being able to share with him and I was angry. A year later he resurfaced and explained everything and that year of NC was actually a GREAT thing for me! I would never get what I needed from him and he acknowledged in his resurfacing that it wasn't fair and he felt it best to drop off the earth as there was no way for him to break up with me amicably and still be friends as his feelings would continue to grow and he wouldn't relate to me as a friend. He was right! As I too had "ended" the A many times and said we were friends but it NEVER worked out that way, as being in contact all the time really changed nothing. Today, we speak sometimes and can relate in a more normal way. We aren't like we used to be and I think he, more so than I, has made it so, so as not to cross the line again as we are so compatible that it would be very easy. Him not bei9ng one of my bestfriends anymore is normal to me now. It doesn't hurt, it isn't sad, life went on.

 

 

NC isn't final, in that this person will still exist and be around to speak to or form a friendship with AFTER you get over them. Trying to be friends before is always a trap and will always cause hurt and drama and you will take so much longer to move forward. NC allows you space to heal and get over them. It's not intended as some punishment or from malice. It's supposed to give you perspective and help you to release attachment. My ex AP did it to me and I felt like he was the worst person alive, but he actually showed a lot of care towards me and maturity by choosing to do that, as it was necessary and one of us had to do it, and chances are, it would not have been me. During NC, you'll be surprised the changes you go through in yourself, your views of the relationship, how you feel about this person, life without them etc. You'll find that the Universe aligns and life aligns for you and the void in your life where he was, gets filled with something else.

 

If a true friendship is meant to be, it will happen after you're over this person. Frantically trying to hold on to "friendship" while you're torn up, especially when the MP is encouraging you to date and so on is just really not a good idea as they're the ONLY one winning in this so-called friendship. They get to have you as a "friend" who would also jump to be back with them, sleep with them, stroke their ego, etc if need be, while you're still secretly hoping things will change and you're still attached to their presence.

 

NC is scary and seems like a great unknown, and it's normal. We can't often imagine our lives any other way than it currently is, but every single day life changes and we roll with it and we're always recreating normal so you'll be just fine! NC is for you to heal and I'm sure you'll do it in your own time when you realize that juggling a friendship and feelings is near impossible.

 

Excellent post MissBee! I completely agree and it explains perfectly why NC is so important. SleepessOH, this explains it all.

[Lostinlife4now]

I am sure that I will get torn up in this post and maybe that is what I need. I am sitting here thinking about no contact and what it means. I read the no contact post that someone suggested last night and the mere thought of no contact makes me cry and not ale to breathe. I tried to end this thing months ago because I was developing feelings. He held on for dear life and of course I got sucked right back in. This is my first time as a OW. I ended it 2 weeks ago. I was an idiot for falling for a man who had no intentions of changing his life. I was told that when this started. But I fell for the amazing passion, him being so attentive. He travels alot and so we talked for hours and everyday...except of course weekends when he was home. I developed this friendship with him and the mere thought of no longer having that kills me. He still contacts me and asks how I am doing. He asks me all of the time how dating is going. It sucks that a) he asks me and encourages it because it is best for me since he cant (or I learned last night on here wont ) give me what I deserve and b) dating sucks! He tells me he will do anything I ask him to do to help me get through this but is does not want to lose this friendship. I am still in the cloudy "my friend" phase. I am hurt and I am angry..but not at him, at me and at the world for me not getting to have what I want. I blame me not him. I cry all of the time when I am alone which I try to avoid at all costs these days. No contact seems so final and so harsh and it is forever?? I cant remotely face forever. I dont know if I could make it a month let alone forever. Is it really impossible to get past this love and still have him my life? We have alot less contact now and I have declined offers of lunch because I know seeing him would be terrible for me. I know if I told him no contact, he would respect my wishes as long as he thought it was temp for a few months and we could still be friends. Not that it is his choice I guess. But it sounds so harsh

 

Hi Sleeplessinoh!

 

First of all please take some time for yourself....Don't date at this time...It is not really good for you or the men you are dating. It is not real. Not yet anyway....Take time to get to know yourself, don't use another person to get over what you are trying to stop. Breathe for a while! While I am glad that your XMM is trying to help you, but he is helping you for Himself, so he still knows what is going on in your life. Don't trust.!!!! NC is the BEST THING THERE IS....I am in it right now and I have never felt happier. I have forgiven myself for this thing that I was in and I will never never never do it again.

[woinlove]

Just to clarify, when I said I would take his encouragement of you dating seriously, I meant take it seriously as to it saying something about his possible commitment to you and/or to his marriage. I think it does say something about him and from your response I think you got my point.

 

As to whether it is good for you to be dating now or not - I am less clear. Usually not good to look for too much when your feelings are so tied to another. Casual, friendly stuff might work. It really depends on you and the circumstances.

[Woman In Blue]

I know if I told him no contact, he would respect my wishes as long as he thought it was temp for a few months and we could still be friends. Not that it is his choice I guess. But it sounds so harsh

The guy doesn't respect anything but his OWN selfish needs. Just a few sentences up you said you tried to break away a while ago and he "held on for dear life." Doesn't sound like someone who has YOUR best interests at heart, now does it?

 

Don't think for a minute that his cheesy bid for 'friendship' doesn't satisfy his ego knowing you're still there and all happy to hear from him. Only a jerk would toy with someone's feeling for their own selfish gain.

 

Maybe when you finally take off the rose-colored glasses you'll see he's not the 'great' guy you thought he was. He's a selfish jerkoff.