Real motive of NC- can you relate?

[JB93]

I have a question for those who have gone through NC, and those who are gurus in general...

 

I've recently went through a break up- (not even sure who did it, sorta mutual). I felt that she was interested in someone else- gave all the signs of GIGS.

 

Anyway, I will say this, I did NOT BEG, PLEAD, ACT DESPARATE. As such, I've initiated the NC. It worked for the first few days until she texted me saying she missed me and loved me and was thinking about me. ALL the things I thought I "wanted" to hear. I kept with my guns and didn't really react (I figured it might be her just using me and putting me on the back burner in case her new interest doesn't work out)- I responded in a very neutral manner a day later, and that was the only thing I did. (sorta broke the NC). However I can't help but think that there is still a "glimmer of hope." (probably just breadcrumbs). So its been about a week of NC and I've only sent one text.

 

My main question is:

"How do I focus NC being about ME, instead of about "getting my ex back?"

In the back of my mind, I am thinking "by ignoring her with NC, shes going to miss me more and more, and then come begging me for a second chance." At the same time I don't want to be let down if this doesn't happen. This FALSE sense of HOPE. I WANT to make NC about me, I WANT it to make me heal, and NOT about her... However, I know I am just lying to myself when I say NC is helping me. I feel like I'm just repressing my emotions and love for her and its tearing me up. Its effecting my normal daily activities. Its hurting me emotionally, and manifesting itself through impaired abilities. The saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder" seems to be whats counteracting "No Contact," and I am not really accomplishing nothing. Its just making me miss her more.

 

I just feel like NC is causing me to repress my feelings- and while it may help temporarily, I'll wake up at 6 am in the morning and all the thoughts will come rushing and pouring into my head... How do I avoid this?

 

I still feel like I have so much more to tell her (but I know I shouldn't bring it up).

 

SIDE NOTE- I think I am just a jealous guy. The thought of her being with another guy is so painful. As bad as it is to say, I'd rather have her suffer, the girl that I love- I would rather see her be miserable, even tho I SHOULD feel happy for her if she is genuinely happy.

Edited August 28, 2011 by JB93

[smudge21]

I know for one you've just summed up everything I've felt and gone through with NC. I reckon that's how it works; it's a painful process and makes us think and miss our exs, but like with any addiction, we have to weather the pain and see it through to the end. It does get better, each and every day, just a little bit. You have ups and downs too, moments where you feel fine and then, for any reason, moments where you miss them so much.

 

That hope you mention is a killer for me - even with my ex, my addiction, getting married next year, I still have that hope. I hate it, but I know it's still there. It'll be gone one day too.

 

Jealousy, yep, check that one off too. Not only am I jealous of who she's with, but also past boyfriends that seemed to last longer - how sad is that? I'm jealous of other guys that dumped her or got dumped.

 

There is one thing to think about, but once again, I believe any positive feeds that hope, so read this at your own choice: the feelings of emptyness and loss, and desire and want, who's to say she's not having them too. My ex broke NC after 4 months, just small stuff at first, then friend requests on Facebook, followed by coming to me for support on something very very big. So that told me in no uncertain terms that yeah, there she does feel the same way... even though she's with someone else.

 

Sadly all that does is feed hope, but maybe we need a bit of hope in order to get through NC. If we think that the ex will come back, then we can focus on healing and making ourselves better. By the time we're healed, we no longer care about the hope.

[JB93]

I know for one you've just summed up everything I've felt and gone through with NC. I reckon that's how it works; it's a painful process and makes us think and miss our exs, but like with any addiction, we have to weather the pain and see it through to the end. It does get better, each and every day, just a little bit. You have ups and downs too, moments where you feel fine and then, for any reason, moments where you miss them so much.

 

That hope you mention is a killer for me - even with my ex, my addiction, getting married next year, I still have that hope. I hate it, but I know it's still there. It'll be gone one day too.

 

Jealousy, yep, check that one off too. Not only am I jealous of who she's with, but also past boyfriends that seemed to last longer - how sad is that? I'm jealous of other guys that dumped her or got dumped.

 

There is one thing to think about, but once again, I believe any positive feeds that hope, so read this at your own choice: the feelings of emptyness and loss, and desire and want, who's to say she's not having them too. My ex broke NC after 4 months, just small stuff at first, then friend requests on Facebook, followed by coming to me for support on something very very big. So that told me in no uncertain terms that yeah, there she does feel the same way... even though she's with someone else.

 

Sadly all that does is feed hope, but maybe we need a bit of hope in order to get through NC. If we think that the ex will come back, then we can focus on healing and making ourselves better. By the time we're healed, we no longer care about the hope.

 

So be honest- do you feel depressed now after 4 months? Are you okay with being single? Is she seeing someone and how does it make you feel?

[Chinook]

I wrote this in 2007 about being dumped. It was hell. I struggled through every living minute. It took me around 4 months to start feeling better. I wasn't depressed - I was sad. It's natural. That said, two years later I started dating my now husband, who on Thursday last week, walked out on our marriage of less than a year... so I'm back there again.

 

So, I skipped work today. I had scheduled one student tutorial and she was a bright enthusiastic first year degree student. I kinda figured with my hangover and all, that I wasn't going to be in any charitable mood to be listening to the whining of assignment-panic from a student who should know better. So, I got out of my pit at 7am and emailed her and cancelled. It wouldn't have done her any good and I'd have felt really bad afterwards and seeing as I'm feeling pretty bad already, I'm not really seeing the need to pile more angst on. So, I then took the rest of the day at home (pretty much working on next week's presentations for class, so I have done something at least!)

 

So today was supposed to be about wallowing and getting through the first 24 hours or so. According to just about every single web page you read out there, the idea after a break-up is to NOT to contact your ex. Apparently, it makes it more painful because you never get over the pain see. I can see that.

 

Have to say, just thinking of someone who was such a HUGE part of my life as ex-anything is really painful right now. So to go one stretch further and not contact that person is pretty difficult. How do you go from one moment, having that person in your life and being a part of the very fabric of your heart and soul so that you live and breathe with them.... to nothing...? How utterly unrealistic, sadistic and sad is that...?

 

So that's where the torture starts. The unbearable pain. What is he doing...? How is he...? Is he thinking about me...? Why hasn't he contacted to ask how I am...? How can he just stop everything so abruptly...? etc etc etc. The list is endless of the self-torture you can put yourself through. It's mentally draining too. But does it stop...? No....on and on it goes. It's a constant litany of questions and your own internal monster is trying to lay the blame on you and trying to torture you for what you did wrong and what could be different.

 

You try to take some comfort from the fact that neither of you said that you didn't love each other anymore. You try to console yourself that he's feeling as bad - but you never quite know for sure. It's hell. You ask your friends 'when does it stop hurting so badly?' They can't tell you. Everyone has been through it, but no one knows what to say because it takes as long as it takes. You hear cliché after cliché... most of which you have heard coming from your own mouth when you have consoled friends in similar circumstances. You know how this plays out. It hurts. That's all there is to it.

 

So on and on the 'no contact' torture goes.... that is, until he does send an email. For a blessed moment, there is relief... he is thinking about you; he does miss you too; it's true, he feels like crap too....and so on. Then the pain hits worse than it was to start with earlier in the day because it hits home that although he's said 'I'm still here; I won't take my friendship away' ... he's actually not still really there and even though you said the same thing to him too... you know that 'friends' is going to be a stupidly monumentally unrealistic thing for you both. It's so very damn painful. The pain of him being out there for you; but not being able to reach out and ask for a hug; not being able to say 'please lets not do this to each other, can't we find a way around it'; the pain of knowing that despite all the pain you feel - what he's saying on the page there, still says goodbye and take care and finally, the pain of knowing that despite how you feel, it was always going to end this way... so no matter how many times you put each other through this, it will end in pain and torture. So, it's just best to get it over with now.

 

But... right now...

 

It's so damn painful you vomit the crap up from your tummy because you haven't eaten properly. It's so painful that the tears burn your throat and sting your eyes. It's so painful that you can't breathe. Yet - he's sent a mail. It would be churlish not to respond when he's tried to close things without being bitter and hurtful, even though you know that responding risks continuing the cycle of torture and pain. You know that the cycle of pain will continue if you write a response and he replies to it ad infinitum. Yet... it doesn't stop you. You write back and tell him it's brief because it's too painful right now to write in detail and you thank him for writing... you don't give any encouragement for him to write back. You click 'send' and break down in tears... sobbing your heart out because of how far apart you have now become.

 

As if that isn't bad enough, you then sit watching the inbox all afternoon, waiting for a reply that you don't really want to come; but at the same time you wish it would come and you wish it would take all the pain and hurt away. Finally, when you realise that you have wasted 7 hours staring at the inbox for a mail which isn't coming and you've only been pretending to talk to friends, or giving the semblance of coping.... you decide you should close the mail client down. You finally reach the point again of saying to yourself 'now... we're back to no contact, because that heals'. Right..?!

[betterdeal]

NC is about getting past the bad bits and back into the good bits. The bits that led you to be here asking "why NC" then, as we all do, "how do I make it about me"? need to be dealt with before you can have the good bits again.

 

You've just come out of a very traumatic experience. When I was a child my dog ran into a car and had to be put down. I wanted him back for a long time after that and was very upset by it. Break ups can feel similar as you lose that part of your world. The cruel thing about break ups is your logical mind and technology can put you in touch with the person who is now missing from your life. Except that does not bring them back into you life, necessarily. The good thing is, no-one died. So "win" for the break up.

 

The feeling of "I hope they come back" is about you. It's what, right now, you feel would make the bad bits end and the good bits return. But you're unsettled and so are they, and whatever led to things turning sour between you has almost certainly not changed. That can only happen with a settled mind. So, in short, if you want them back or you want to be happy, it doesn't matter - NC is about calming down, addressing any mistakes, misconceptions or other weakness in you so that you can be happy and you can have a more fruitful relationship in the future (if you wish) and whether that's with that person or someone better suited to you, is only something you can find out in time.

 

Relax. It's okay to feel how you feel. Take that sadness that it's over and change it into happiness that it happened. You cup of love is half full.

[JB93]

Chinook- So how did you end up after NC? How long did it take you to get over him? When did you start dating again. I am not going to lie- I could have went on a date last weekend, but I just couldn't do. It wouldn't be fair to me, and not fair to my date. My heart would be elsewhere, and every second I'd be thinking of my ex instead.

 

BetterDeal- Thank you for your response. I read your article about NC. I think its a good point that you mentioned- its about "a relationship you were involved with, rather than my-ex." (My-ex) sound possessive, and sounds like a loss, where as "a relationship I was involved in" sounds more like a past experience. Same thing, different perspective.

 

I feel a little bit better.

[betterdeal]

Good to hear! Thing is, life has it's ups and downs and none of us are perfect. Some times (hopefully, not all the time) catastrophes happen, but most of the time the sun comes up at about the same time it did yesterday and we go about our routines, and sometimes we get ill, sometimes we feel good and sometimes we feel a bit cranky. And sometimes we have to let go of something we love to find out what else is out there.

 

You're going to be fine. Eat well, sleep well, exercise, read a funny novel (I'm going through Terry Pratchett novels at the moment - geeky, childish, funny) and be kind to yourself. Maybe plan a treat, like going for a massage, for instance.

 

Love life.

[JB93]

Good to hear! Thing is, life has it's ups and downs and none of us are perfect. Some times (hopefully, not all the time) catastrophes happen, but most of the time the sun comes up at about the same time it did yesterday and we go about our routines, and sometimes we get ill, sometimes we feel good and sometimes we feel a bit cranky. And sometimes we have to let go of something we love to find out what else is out there.

 

You're going to be fine. Eat well, sleep well, exercise, read a funny novel (I'm going through Terry Pratchett novels at the moment - geeky, childish, funny) and be kind to yourself. Maybe plan a treat, like going for a massage, for instance.

 

Love life.

 

Thanks BetterDeal. I already do focus on myself- I have confidence issues so Ive been working out a lot. I eat very healthy, I'm fit, I work out, I have great friends, and I have a great career ahead of money ($$$) haha. I just wish I could sleep better, and realize that she isn't the only one.

 

I guess my main concern is DOUBTING the efficacy of "No Contact." I just want to believe that it works 100%, because then I KNOW ill be able to fully commit to it and never look back.

[betterdeal]

Why not give it (believing in it) a go? What possible harm can be done by giving it a go?

 

Have a cry, feel the sorrow, and accept things are as they are now. Who was the last customer service person you spoke to on the phone? Are you in touch with them now? What about the first teacher you had a crush on? Still in contact with her? I doubt it. You let go and lost contact.

[JB93]

Why not give it (believing in it) a go? What possible harm can be done by giving it a go?

 

Have a cry, feel the sorrow, and accept things are as they are now. Who was the last customer service person you spoke to on the phone? Are you in touch with them now? What about the first teacher you had a crush on? Still in contact with her? I doubt it. You let go and lost contact.

 

You are right- I just don't know if "repressing" these emotions are gonna help tho. I honestly don't cry- IDK, its not a macho man image I am afraid of, I just physically dont cry. I just feel the heavy chest pain.

The examples you give- all relate to time and emotional investment. I didn't invest any emotions or time on the last customer service person- so I can let go without a thought. With someone you've shared everything with, and invested so much in, its painful to lose it all. I guess NC is really the only option anyways. I just wish NC could help me realize that its about ME, not HER

[betterdeal]

You are right- I just don't know if "repressing" these emotions are gonna help tho. I honestly don't cry- IDK, its not a macho man image I am afraid of, I just physically dont cry. I just feel the heavy chest pain.

The examples you give- all relate to time and emotional investment. I didn't invest any emotions or time on the last customer service person- so I can let go without a thought. With someone you've shared everything with, and invested so much in, its painful to lose it all. I guess NC is really the only option anyways. I just wish NC could help me realize that its about ME, not HER

 

Yeah, proximity changes the intensity, sure, but it's the same principle.

 

I also know about that not crying thing. I used to get those chest pains. That's you bottling up the feelings. Crying doesn't have to be tears flooding and you being a jibbering wreck on the floor (but that's fine if that's how you cry). It can be chest beating, angst-ridden howling. It can be a subtle affair, conducted with someone discrete to bear witness. It can a quiet walk in the woods, and letting it out with no-one around. It's sadness expressed, that's all it is. And then it's easier to feel relief. Relief that it's over. It's just one more step in your journey.

 

NC is what you make it.

[JB93]

Yeah, proximity changes the intensity, sure, but it's the same principle.

 

I also know about that not crying thing. I used to get those chest pains. That's you bottling up the feelings. Crying doesn't have to be tears flooding and you being a jibbering wreck on the floor (but that's fine if that's how you cry). It can be chest beating, angst-ridden howling. It can be a subtle affair, conducted with someone discrete to bear witness. It can a quiet walk in the woods, and letting it out with no-one around. It's sadness expressed, that's all it is. And then it's easier to feel relief. Relief that it's over. It's just one more step in your journey.

 

NC is what you make it.

B/C I dont really cry, I am trying to release the repressed emotions, but just dont know how. I have removed EVERYTHING that reminds me of her out, no email, no number, no skype, no fb, no letters, no pics, no gifts... all in the garbage. Even songs that I first listened to when I FIRST met her, I just can't listen to them without getting super depressed... I guess one of my ways is through writing, writing on this forum has helped me some.

[betterdeal]

How do you feel right now?

[JB93]

How do you feel right now?

 

right at this moment, kind of indifferent. Trying to avoid thoughts of ex. on a scale of 1-10. 1 being no pain, and 10 being the most painful, I'd say Im about a 5. But every morning when I wake up (around 6 am, I am about a 9). Throughout the day I can range from 4-9.

 

The thing that keeps that number low is when I go to the Gym. Thats it. And sometimes when I am posting on this forum. Those two things are the only thing that seem to help me some.

[Queen of Hearts 10]

I understand your feelings about NC as I have never been able to follow it !

I felt that it was self defeating pretense. But for a year of contact

with him

that never brought my EX back. No words of any kind could change his mind

because the cold hard fact was " he had no love for me any more."

 

So for me the loss of him became my FEAR. I always needed to be in contact

with him in the good or bad of it. But really it's his life and his choice

to be with me and I have no right to him ! It's awful ! So by being in contact

I now found out about his new girlfriend !! Very very painful stuff !

 

Listen to the good advice and stay strong for yourself. Do the NC and stay

there ! Heal the wounds and recover. Go in a new direction and things will

come in your direction. It's futile to chase after hope. Set them free, and

in turn it will set you free too.

 

I wish you strength, to do this and Peace. Queen of Hearts 10

[betterdeal]

right at this moment, kind of indifferent. Trying to avoid thoughts of ex. on a scale of 1-10. 1 being no pain, and 10 being the most painful, I'd say Im about a 5. But every morning when I wake up (around 6 am, I am about a 9). Throughout the day I can range from 4-9.

 

The thing that keeps that number low is when I go to the Gym. Thats it. And sometimes when I am posting on this forum. Those two things are the only thing that seem to help me some.

 

You said earlier that you're having problems getting a good night's sleep. I'd say the two (lack of good sleep and your constant pain) are related. You're in a state of hyper-vigilance, hence you're not sleeping well. But that makes the pain worse, so you become even more vigilant - a bit of a vicious circle. See your doctor about the sleep issue. A week or two of mild sleeping tablets can really help you get back on track.

 

Cut down / eliminate stimulants (coffee, for example) too.

[JB93]

You said earlier that you're having problems getting a good night's sleep. I'd say the two (lack of good sleep and your constant pain) are related. You're in a state of hyper-vigilance, hence you're not sleeping well. But that makes the pain worse, so you become even more vigilant - a bit of a vicious circle. See your doctor about the sleep issue. A week or two of mild sleeping tablets can really help you get back on track.

 

Cut down / eliminate stimulants (coffee, for example) too.

fair enough, ill give the docs a shot (no pun intended )

[betterdeal]

Good call - it does wonders to get a good night's sleep. I also found hand washing was quite refreshing. Just washing them when I was feeling meh, any time really.

[reimeivn]

i say that anything that has anything to do with the ex HURT me. so I go NC.

 

it works for me because i dont get hurt anymore. think, it wouldnt hurt at first, then it would hurst because they are not your gf/bf anymore. and it would hurt even more they dont care about you anymore.

 

so instead of spending time wonder what that means last time you talk, or last time you see each other, i spend time thinking about what happened before the NC only. that takes less time. and that let me move on to the healing stage faster.

[bikinibeach]

often times with NC, you have to fake it til you make it.

 

the reasons why aren't as important, as long as you can and do maintain NC.

 

As time goes in, you'll realize everything.

 

NC helped me so much, even though I admit at first, I wanted to use it to show him how wrong of a person he was, hoping he'd see the light and apologize. So yeah, at the beginning if it, my motives were shady.

 

But now, the pain has been long gone and I am in ab amazing, healthy, loving relationship eith the man of my dreams.

 

Hang in there! We'll support you

[smudge21]

So be honest- do you feel depressed now after 4 months? Are you okay with being single? Is she seeing someone and how does it make you feel?

 

Yes, I would say there are moments of depression still. I'm okay with being single to be honest though, but I obviously miss her. She's engaged and yes that does hurt too... but all that, the pain and the misery is part of healing. It's not easy and no one said it was going to be. I have to work my way through it and it does get better. I still think about her a lot but can handle those thoughts without them crushing me like they used to.

 

Once the pain goes, I know I'll be healed. I've just got to stay strong and keep focused. I can't get her back, so my only options are to try and heal or live in misery...

[JB93]

thanks for the reply folks- do you think itd be easier to find someone else just to "replace" your ex?

 

 

Today is a special day. i met her exactly 2 years ago this day. The crazy thing about this girl is, I had feelings from day 1 like I did with her. My previous relationships were more of a friends first sorta thing. This morning really hurt to know that she was no longer around...

 

I want to message her SOOOO BAD. Just saying, "2 years ago today, I saw your face And I really miss the times we had, you were the best."

 

I know I shouldnt, and I have control not too, but the urge is there. I feel so down- these days are gonna kill me!

[smudge21]

Okay, lets jump forward into the future by an hour or two. You've sent the text and no reply, not a single one. How much worse do you feel now? How much regret do you have over sending it?

 

I've been tempted to do the same so many times, and occasionally I've slipped up, only to have so many regrets.

[JB93]

Okay, lets jump forward into the future by an hour or two. You've sent the text and no reply, not a single one. How much worse do you feel now? How much regret do you have over sending it?

 

I've been tempted to do the same so many times, and occasionally I've slipped up, only to have so many regrets.

 

I dont even have her number...

Actually i woulda sent it via fb. She would respond, I just know her.... But I wont sent one anyways... I know better not to...

 

The sad thing is, we ended on a relatively good note. The last time I saw her we hugged and kissed goodbye (before NC obviously).

And her last text was "Hey J, I dont know if you want me to stop talking to you, but I love you. Hope your vacation is going well. <3"

 

So I left it on good terms... I guess its best to just leave it at that even tho there is much more I "want" to say, but I'd only get into an argument, further separating us, and any hope for reconcilliation in the future.

[smudge21]

Left on good terms for me too, and even the recent contact by her has been nice... trouble is, it's a pleasant reminder of how things were and should be, in my mind. NC really is my only option, but it's so much more difficult when the split and everything surrounding it has been mutual and without anger or hatred.