Dating a rebounder or someone just out of a LTR

[bluenightowl]

How would you date someone like that?

 

Would you not date and tell them lets try it in 6 months?

Would you take it slow with them to be sure they were over their ex.

What if they wanted sex early, and you did as well, would you take the bait so to speak

or hold off on sex even longer than you might with someone is emotionally stable.

[Ayla]

I'm trying to work out from your posts if you are the person just out of a LTR or if you like someone who is just out of a LTR...

 

Like I lmentioned in one of your other posts, I like a guy who is/was just out of a LTR. It has now been a year and a half and I am still not 100% sure he is fully ready. However he is making moves to indicate that he is moving (looking at buying his own home, moving away from the friends he made when he was initially single etc).

 

I think it depends on why they are newly out of a LTR. Take my guy, he was cheated on by his ex of 10 years and mother of his daughter. We started dating for a few months, but it was clear that he was not ready and was going to hurt me in the long run. So I ended it with him, letting him know that maybe we could get to know each other again when he was ready.

 

Now, I like to think we are getting to kow each other again slowly. We have not had sex per se, but have been initmate. But I try not to smother him, or push him too much. I would like to have sex with him, but my personal circumstances are preventing me from doing so (had a major op a little while ago). I do think that is a good thing though.

 

In the mean time we see in each about 2-3 times a week, contact nearly every second day (if not more).

 

It is slow, and sometimes scary...because I don't want him to freak out again. But it is clear he likes me...so I guess it is a "see what happens" situation. No expecations.

[Pasttense]

Why not? For some people their previous relationship was dead a long time before they officially ended it, and others recover very quickly.

 

On the other hand some people don't recover for years (for example from the death of a long term spouse).

 

So it all depends on the specifics of how they treat you, which you can only find out if you date a few times.

 

As to taking it slow, it is probably a good idea to always do this, as there are a lot of liars and players in the world.

[bluenightowl]

I'm trying to work out from your posts if you are the person just out of a LTR or if you like someone who is just out of a LTR...

 

I think it depends on why they are newly out of a LTR. Take my guy, he was cheated on by his ex of 10 years and mother of his daughter. We started dating for a few months, but it was clear that he was not ready and was going to hurt me in the long run. So I ended it with him, letting him know that maybe we could get to know each other again when he was ready.

 

 

Thanks for the reply. I was referring to someone I had been interested in who was coming out of a LTR.

 

When you started dating them for a few months and ended it, how did you know he might hurt you in the long run? What made you feel this way?

 

I think your approach "letting him know that maybe we could get to know each other again when he was ready" was perfect based on everything I read.

 

I'm also curious if he was very keen to get real close, real soon with you the first time around or did you control that.

[ThsAmericanLife]

I'm looking for someone who is ready to be in a committed relationship again, so I tend to avoid men who are fresh out of a LTR (marriage or otherwise).

 

Usually they are emotionally in limbo of one kind or another and seem to be 'working out' their issues through early sex, FWB style relationships, etc. Not my thing.

 

I've been divorced for 12 years... and 'single' since the man I'd intended to marry died 5 years ago. I've had one LTR since then... a never-married commitment-phobe...and dated TONS. Enough to see a pattern.

 

So no... in general I'd avoid them. I'm happy to let them spend their time with people who are equally confused, IMHO.

[ThsAmericanLife]

When you started dating them for a few months and ended it, how did you know he might hurt you in the long run? What made you feel this way?

 

I knew because one or more of the following would be obvious... (yes, I did see you said dating for a few months...but it doesn't take that long for me to figure this out...)

 

- they'd say stuff like, 'where have you been my whole life' about two weeks into a relationship.

 

- They were obviously lusting over everything that walked by... there was some sort of pent up 'oats sowing' that appeared to need being gotten out of their system.

 

- They were not terribly self-aware and not 'yet' at a place where they could see that, hmmm, maybe their ex was right about a few things regarding their behavior. Alot of them were in some kind of denial and wanted to project themselves as the wounded party/victim.

 

I have a saying... 'there is his side, her side, and then there is the truth'.

 

- They are over-the-top self centered. I don't necessarily take this as a permanent character flaw. I see this as a natural outcome of anyone overcoming a major life stress. Problem is... unless you want to be a martyr and 'fixer upper' (sorry, BTDT), it is best to not be involved with them in a romantic way. Friend yes. I have lots of good advice to share from my divorce and death of a SO. Nothing wrong with that unless they start being an *ss because I'm not f-ing them.

 

 

 

-

[carhill]

How would you date someone like that?

 

IME, with someone else's heart.

 

Would you not date and tell them lets try it in 6 months?

Doubt that would ever happen since all the potentials I've encountered were/are <in> clear and firm new relationships long before then. As examples, my exW was living with a new guy before we were divorced and her best female friend was dating a new guy (or so she told me about him fixing her lunch for work) before she had even filed for divorce.

 

Would you take it slow with them to be sure they were over their ex.

If I noted that they weren't over their ex (obvious signs), I'd be gone, regardless of how 'hot' they were or what potential they had. I learned this from women.

 

What if they wanted sex early, and you did as well, would you take the bait so to speak or hold off on sex even longer than you might with someone is emotionally stable.

I've been approached that way and declined. It's an elemental incompatibility. That is not to say that I don't want sex nor deserve it, but there is a right place, time and state of mind for it to be healthy. That isn't with a partner whose emotions and loyalties vacillate hourly/daily. For people who enjoy casual, non-committed sex, I imagine such would be fine and such a potential might be a better partner. Edited August 28, 2011 by carhill

[bluenightowl]

If I noted that they weren't over their ex (obvious signs), I'd be gone, regardless of how 'hot' they were or what potential they had. I learned this from women.

 

This seems like a bit of a extreme position to me. As you can see from the above poster, she is now giving it a try. Why not stay open to the idea.

 

I sometimes wonder if because some people here have been hurt we take more extreme positions. Sometimes people might need a friend, and what's wrong with that and letting it evolve into a relationship later.

 

My best relationship ever and the longest started as a friendship.

[zengirl]

How would you date someone like that?

 

Would you not date and tell them lets try it in 6 months?

Would you take it slow with them to be sure they were over their ex.

What if they wanted sex early, and you did as well, would you take the bait so to speak

or hold off on sex even longer than you might with someone is emotionally stable.

 

Depends on the LTR, the vibe I got, their actions on dates, and so on. Is this an instance where you know/suspect there is an issue or is it just an "on paper" issue?

 

I do tend to take relationships what many would consider "slowly" these days in terms of escalating intimacy. However, I like to go on a lot of dates too, so I tend to take things quickly in terms of the people I've seriously dated, we often started out within two weeks or so seeing quite a lot of each other, though usually in smaller snippets (i.e. seeing each other 2-4 times a week wasn't common, but we weren't spending the night together, spending whole days together or anything, and it wasn't always 1-on-1 time).

 

If I felt someone was not over the LTR, their ex, or had things to work out that made them emotionally unavailable, I would not proceed. However, the funny thing is, I have both become emotionally unavailable mid-relationship and dated someone who did, due to life experiences/events in both instances, and I don't think there are ever any guarantees on emotional availability.

 

But a typical "rebound" experience is all about the EU, so if you see that and other rebound signs: Run. Well, that's what I'd do, at least.

[Ayla]

Thanks for the reply. I was referring to someone I had been interested in who was coming out of a LTR.

 

When you started dating them for a few months and ended it, how did you know he might hurt you in the long run? What made you feel this way?

 

I think your approach "letting him know that maybe we could get to know each other again when he was ready" was perfect based on everything I read.

 

I'm also curious if he was very keen to get real close, real soon with you the first time around or did you control that.

 

I knew I was going to get hurt, as he was unreliable. He would let me down, and was blowing hot and cold all the time. I didn't know if I was coming or going.

 

At the beginning he was very keen, was texting me and calling me...saying/doing all these nice and sweet things. Then all of a sudden he backed off, not completely but there was a change. I later found out, it was because his ex was causing some problems.

 

He talked with my brother (one of his best mates) about how he felt about me, in a sense got his permission etc etc.

 

Now...we are friends first, and it is great. He knows me for me, and I don't have to be anything but myself. He has seen me at my worst, and my best 9an of course always compliments me when I am at my best).

 

it is a really fine line, and I think the fact that we are friends, only makes for a stronger and more secure relationship. It is very slow, and sometimes, I feel like just jumping on him...and saying "I am here, we are perfect for each other" however deep down he knows this...so instead we are growing together slowly...

 

I didn't end it becuase he was not into me, was not attracted to me or didn't like me - it was a case of bad timing. Both of us just had to see what happens, work our own selves out and try again if we wanted. To be honest, I prefer what we have now thatn what we had before.

 

"If its easy it won't be worth it, if its worth it, it won't be easy"

[carhill]

This seems like a bit of a extreme position to me. As you can see from the above poster, she is now giving it a try. Why not stay open to the idea.

 

I sometimes wonder if because some people here have been hurt we take more extreme positions. Sometimes people might need a friend, and what's wrong with that and letting it evolve into a relationship later.

 

My best relationship ever and the longest started as a friendship.

I'll be honest with you. Other than one platonic female friend who was a best friend, two male friends wives and my mother, no female has ever been a true friend to me in my lifetime. A lot of women have used and taken advantage of my caring and empathetic nature. So, yeah, if I don't wish to line up for any more of that abuse, there's a solid lifetime of experience behind it. Friendship is a two-way street. To date, there's been a lot of construction going on over on the female side. I hope it gets paved soon.

[bluenightowl]

But a typical "rebound" experience is all about the EU, so if you see that and other rebound signs: Run. Well, that's what I'd do, at least.

 

Let's say you see some of those signs. Doesn't know what she wants, her ex is calling her all the time and she is talking about him, but says she hates him and the relationship lasted for over 5 years. Oh and she is dating many guys, not just myself. She is also very affectionate uses lots of sexual innuendo.

 

Run?

[carhill]

Like the wind.

[bluenightowl]

Like the wind.

 

Have any of you also noticed how people in this state become very affectionate. That's the part that fools me sometimes. I think they mean it, but now I'm starting to think such people would get close to anyone who might let them get close.

[Ayla]

Let's say you see some of those signs. Doesn't know what she wants, her ex is calling her all the time and she is talking about him, but says she hates him and the relationship lasted for over 5 years. Oh and she is dating many guys, not just myself. She is also very affectionate uses lots of sexual innuendo.

 

Run?

 

For sure. Im afraid that the only person who will get hurt is you...

[carhill]

Have any of you also noticed how people in this state become very affectionate. That's the part that fools me sometimes. I think they mean it, but now I'm starting to think such people would get close to anyone who might let them get close.

Yes, it is part of the instability. IME, and it has been very common, they'll flip on you like a light switch. I don't care whether the dynamic is a romantic prospect or a platonic friendship. Such people IME just make poor relationship prospects in general, for myself anyway.

[ThsAmericanLife]

Run?

 

Yes.

 

But do so in a way that is respectful and kind.

[Ayla]

Have any of you also noticed how people in this state become very affectionate. That's the part that fools me sometimes. I think they mean it, but now I'm starting to think such people would get close to anyone who might let them get close.

 

My guy, when we first dated, was quite attentive and affectionate. Now I realise that he was rushing into things, way to fast. It is like a way of justifying (consciously or subconsciously) that they are wanted and desirable. Some don't even realise how that might affect others. On the other hand some do, and the hate they feel for their ex is taken out on others (by using them).

[carhill]

Yes.

 

But do so in a way that is respectful and kind.

Yeah, that's good advice. Explain the boundaries and your desires for a healthy relationship/friendship and how you feel about the current dynamic. Then let things take their natural course. Overwhelmingly, for myself, when this is done, this particular type of person simply moves on to the next potential. No discourse, no comment, no nothing. Like they were never there, generally because they weren't. They let you love them.

[ThsAmericanLife]

Have any of you also noticed how people in this state become very affectionate. That's the part that fools me sometimes. I think they mean it, but now I'm starting to think such people would get close to anyone who might let them get close.

 

I dunno about that... (the getting close to anyone part)... The reverse could also happen. Someone puts up walls and doesn't let anyone in.

 

The problem is that when people are going through a crisis, they aren't their 'normal' selves. If you don't have any other basis to compare their behavior on, you are taking a big risk... especially with something that involves a big emotional investment, like a romantic relationship.

 

They say, the time to develop a good friend is before you really need one. We all have periods in our lives where we are doing more taking than giving... and it is great to have wonderful friends to lean on during those periods... knowing that you will be there for them too.

 

I don't know what other context you know this woman... If it is a new acquaintance, you really aren't obliged to devote yourself...

 

then the question becomes, why would you take that risk?? What other qualities does this person have that might make you do something so risky?

[Ayla]

Yes.

 

But do so in a way that is respectful and kind.

 

Exactly. When I did end it with him at the beginning of the year I basically told him that I liked him, probably too much. That although I knew he was hurting, I didn't want to get hurt. That he was a great guy (and a spunk) and like I mentioned earlier maybe in the future when he was ready we could get to know each other again. However I said that knowing that it might not happen, that he might just move on, so I needed to do the same.

[ThsAmericanLife]

Overwhelmingly, for myself, when this is done, this particular type of person simply moves on to the next potential. No discourse, no comment, no nothing. Like they were never there, generally because they weren't. They let you love them.

 

I know. Me too.

 

It produces a feeling of relief and sadness at the same time... Relief that I fended off a really bad outcome down the road... but sad that, well, I was correct and didn't care about me at all.

 

Reminds me of a little story...

 

"the first time I walked down that street, I fell into a deep hole and took a long time to get out...

 

The second time I walked down that street, I tripped over the hole

 

The third time I walked down the street, I walked around the hole

 

The fourth time... I just didn't walk down that street.."

 

Live and learn...

[carhill]

After a lifetime of it, now, if I make the choice, I go in knowing the likely outcome. The other person bears no responsibility in my mind. They are who they are. I'll give within my own healthy boundaries and when they go, I accept that such is the path. Hopefully someday they might pay that forward to someone else. It is a future I will never know.

 

I've found the key is emotional detachment. Learned that one from my exW. For some circumstances, it's healthy. Globally, IDK. Not my style.

[bluenightowl]

Yes, it is part of the instability. IME, and it has been very common, they'll flip on you like a light switch. I don't care whether the dynamic is a romantic prospect or a platonic friendship. Such people IME just make poor relationship prospects in general, for myself anyway.

 

Yes, I think you are right. Perhaps the only way around this is to go really slow, but then if they have a need to get close they would likely find it in someone else very quickly. Perhaps sometimes it can work, but I suspect you need to be willing to give a lot of yourself with no guarantee that once they are healed they will stay, so risky all around.

 

I can see now why some woman might be scared of men who move too soon sexually. Aside from men just wanting sex, they could and probably should be wondering why he is moving so fast, which could mean he is not ready for a LTR or just got out of one.

[carhill]

My usual MO as the heretofore unwitting tampon has been one of care and support, whether for days, months or years, and the 'bird', once healed, flying the nest without notice, concern nor care.

 

The key with these people is they give very little. You mention affection and flirtation. Think about, amongst the totality of the dynamic, how 'much' that really is. It's moments, fleeting. It's like me paying you a compliment. Wow, that took me five seconds and I could do it devoid of any real feeling, though it might make you feel real good. Little cost, maximum benefit. This is what real or situational hoovers do. The real ones are a cancer. The situational ones are merely unhealthy.

 

IME, when a woman spills out all that hate and pain during her 'healing' process, my image is associated with that 'dump' and she forever sees me as the toilet she deposited it in. Toilets are wonderful fixtures and our sanitation and healthy life depends on them but we don't love a toilet. They're a tool to eliminate in.

 

I hope that's graphic enough