Girlfriend left me as she thinks i am cheating - need

[jacksoncfrank]

Hi,

 

I am basically in turmoil right now and don't know if by turning to an internet forum that i may here some words of wisdom that would help me. Basically the story goes:

 

I am 22, i have been with my girlfriend for nearly 3 years. She is a fantastic girl and i genuinely love being with her. However if there was one thing that i could change it would be the insecurity and the suspicion that i cheat on her even though this is as far from the truth in the world - she is everything i want - the problem is she doesn't believe it!!

 

Last night, while lying in bed she again accused me of cheating on her and demanded to see my email account to "prove" nothing had happened after she said i had lied where i had been a few months before. I couldn't remember the night in question and so that didn't help matters.

 

But to cut a long story short, i refused to let her see my emails as i was sick of the accusation and the suspicion as this all occurred as we were drifting off to sleep. I see in hindsight now she saw this as "proof" that i was hiding something - when again this couldn't be further from the proof. she then picked up all her things and left in a taxi. She is now not picking up calls and i am sick with worry she may never come back.

 

I really do not know what to do. I know she has gone back to her parents house and i don't know if i should go round today and try and talk it out.

 

Some thoughts would help as this is eating me alive... What should i do?

 

Jacksoncfrank

[katie.x]

Hi,

 

I am basically in turmoil right now and don't know if by turning to an internet forum that i may here some words of wisdom that would help me. Basically the story goes:

 

I am 22, i have been with my girlfriend for nearly 3 years. She is a fantastic girl and i genuinely love being with her. However if there was one thing that i could change it would be the insecurity and the suspicion that i cheat on her even though this is as far from the truth in the world - she is everything i want - the problem is she doesn't believe it!!

 

Last night, while lying in bed she again accused me of cheating on her and demanded to see my email account to "prove" nothing had happened after she said i had lied where i had been a few months before. I couldn't remember the night in question and so that didn't help matters.

 

But to cut a long story short, i refused to let her see my emails as i was sick of the accusation and the suspicion as this all occurred as we were drifting off to sleep. I see in hindsight now she saw this as "proof" that i was hiding something - when again this couldn't be further from the proof. she then picked up all her things and left in a taxi. She is now not picking up calls and i am sick with worry she may never come back.

 

I really do not know what to do. I know she has gone back to her parents house and i don't know if i should go round today and try and talk it out.

 

Some thoughts would help as this is eating me alive... What should i do?

 

Jacksoncfrank

 

If she isn't taking your calls I think you need to find another way of contacting her to talk about her insecurities. You need to establish trust with her because otherwise you are riding on a sinking ship. The problems will grow if she doesn't trust you and you try to stay together.

If it were me in her shoes, I would appreciate a long letter putting your feelings all on the line. Truly show her you love her and want her only.

Is there any reason from your past at all that would make her loose trust in you, anything at all, no matter how tiny?

[jacksoncfrank]

Thanks for your reply.

 

There have been times when she has been hurt because of contact with other girls but to my mind these have been totally innocent. For example she might get angry with me if i make a joke to a shop assistant, even if she is there and will be upset for a few hours.

 

I would say she is insecure at times and i feel sick that i could have hurt her so much by what happened last night.

[dreamingoftigers]

Okat, don't take this the wrong way because I don't offhand think this:

aside from last night, is there any other incidence which there was actually a problem or is there absolutely no basis in your relationship for this insecurity?

[katie.x]

Thanks for your reply.

 

There have been times when she has been hurt because of contact with other girls but to my mind these have been totally innocent. For example she might get angry with me if i make a joke to a shop assistant, even if she is there and will be upset for a few hours.

 

I would say she is insecure at times and i feel sick that i could have hurt her so much by what happened last night.

 

Well tell her. Tell her it hurts you knowing you are hurting her.

She sounds like the jealous type. Has she asked you to not do thing, such as jokes with shop assistants, but you still do? That would be a no-no.

It doesn't matter how silly it may be, if she is the jealous type, if you don't respect her wishes on something that upsets her, it makes every tiny incident massive in her mind. Then over times it grows, and then results in what happen when you were in bed.

[jacksoncfrank]

I have never cheated on her in our relationship, have barely any girl mates. The big thing is she found an email from before we were officially dating to a girl i used to talk to about my relationship to where i spoke about her. In this email i also mentioned another girl.

 

She found this email mentioned above after looking through my emails previously, which is why i was angry she brought up looking through my emails again.

 

However, since we have been together there has been nothing. She does feel insecure and i do try my hardest to rid of her insecurities because i care for her so much. I really would do anything for her.

 

I really feel stupid, i have nothing to hide and if i had just been more calm and more open i wouldn't be in this mess.

[Space Ritual]

You say you have been with her for nearly 3 years but she recently just found an email from a few months ago before you were officially dating?

 

So have you not been exclusive with her all these 3 years?

[dreamingoftigers]

It sounds kind of like a time-bomb anyways.

 

I have asked to double-check emails etc. but my husband has, um, had problems.

 

I hate to say it, but you may have dodged a bit of a bullet. It is so hard to build trust with someone who is actually paranoid.

 

If you want her back try making the promises about transparency. But there's something to be said for feeling secure that she trusts you as well. If you haven't violated that, then, well....

[katie.x]

It sounds kind of like a time-bomb anyways.

 

I have asked to double-check emails etc. but my husband has, um, had problems.

 

I hate to say it, but you may have dodged a bit of a bullet. It is so hard to build trust with someone who is actually paranoid.

 

If you want her back try making the promises about transparency. But there's something to be said for feeling secure that she trusts you as well. If you haven't violated that, then, well....

 

 

I side with this comment to some level.

I think you should try actually making the effort to sit down with her and properly take about her insecurities and come to some sort of resolution.

 

If after doing this she still doesn't trust you then what else could you possibly do to gain her trust if you haven't actually broken it?

It's hard but a relationship NEEDS trust, if she can't trust you when you haven't done anything to break her trust then you are probably better off without her and will probably save some serious heart ache from future arguments.

[jacksoncfrank]

Just to clarify - i had sent the email before we were official but she found it about a year ago. Before that i had freely let her have access to my phone and email,etc and been fully open.

[katie.x]

Just to clarify - i had sent the email before we were official but she found it about a year ago. Before that i had freely let her have access to my phone and email,etc and been fully open.

 

So the email was sent 3 years ago, and she found it about a year ago and after she found it you stopped letting her have access to your phone and email?

Just to clarify.

 

And can you clearly explain what was in the email? Were there any issue of trust before this? It sounds like it has steamed from this and been growing over the past year.

[Space Ritual]

thank you for clarifying....

 

I could be wrong but I think your relationship has pretty much run its course. At this point there is basically little you will ever be able to do to convince her you are being honest. I think her getting up in the middle of the night and leaving ends it.

[Space Ritual]

So the email was sent 3 years ago, and she found it about a year ago and after she found it you stopped letting her have access to your phone and email?

Just to clarify.

 

And can you clearly explain what was in the email? Were there any issue of trust before this? It sounds like it has steamed from this and been growing over the past year.

 

I have to agree with this as well...

[jacksoncfrank]

Thank you for all your replies, its much appreciated you giving your thoughts.

 

To Katie - the email mentioned another girl i had met when i was away in asia. However this was before we had officially started going out and in this time time my girlfriend had slept with her ex-boyfreind in that time.

 

Yes i stupidly stopped letting her openly access my emails - i wish i hadn't done this now as i can see it just added to the problem and made her more suspicious. i feel so bad - the truth is she is all i ever wanted and want but she freely admits she has trust issues - i guess last night i just wan't sensitive to that.

[katie.x]

thank you for clarifying....

 

I could be wrong but I think your relationship has pretty much run its course. At this point there is basically little you will ever be able to do to convince her you are being honest. I think her getting up in the middle of the night and leaving ends it.

 

I don't think it's run it's course until they try resolve this issue properly. It sounds as though the girl has had this issue growing in her mind over the past year (getting bigger than it needs to be) and the guy hasn't been aware so they haven't properly nutted it out when having little arguments because he didn't see the big issue that she does. Do you agree?

[Space Ritual]

ok so it makes more sense now....in her mind by you disallowing access to your passwords in effect caused her to believe you are hiding something.

 

It would be difficult at best at this point to prove otherwise to her...

[katie.x]

Thank you for all your replies, its much appreciated you giving your thoughts.

 

To Katie - the email mentioned another girl i had met when i was away in asia. However this was before we had officially started going out and in this time time my girlfriend had slept with her ex-boyfreind in that time.

 

Yes i stupidly stopped letting her openly access my emails - i wish i hadn't done this now as i can see it just added to the problem and made her more suspicious. i feel so bad - the truth is she is all i ever wanted and want but she freely admits she has trust issues - i guess last night i just wan't sensitive to that.

 

I still don't really understand what was said in the email and how it would of upset your girlfriend, but as you stopped letting her have access to your phone and email it's clear this has caused the issue in her mind that you would be unfaithful to her.

I suggest talking this out with her, explaining you weren't sensitive enough last night to her feelings and really go in-depth to how you feel about her.

Offer her access to your phone and email again, if you feel comfortable, and either way, if there is stuff you wouldn't want her seeing, that in itself is a bit of a trust issue, not cheating but if you need to hid something from her then it shouldn't be said.

[katie.x]

ok so it makes more sense now....in her mind by you disallowing access to your passwords in effect caused her to believe you are hiding something.

 

It would be difficult at best at this point to prove otherwise to her...

 

I agree. By all means try, she may see she cares for you enough to be able to move past it, but it's something that will hang around in your relationship for a little while, like a trial period to make sure you are trustworthy to her.

But if you then do something that could be just the tinniest untrustworthy, you could be dealing with a **** storm from nowhere.

[jacksoncfrank]

Thanks all for your advice - it really helps.

 

I can see i have been an idiot and no wonder she stormed out. I just can't see how i am going to be able to see her and talk so i am going to try and deliver a letter that lets her know how i feel.

[katie.x]

Thanks all for your advice - it really helps.

 

I can see i have been an idiot and no wonder she stormed out. I just can't see how i am going to be able to see her and talk so i am going to try and deliver a letter that lets her know how i feel.

 

I think that is a very good idea. Make sure you really pin point exactly how you feel and be direct that you both need to talk about this trust issue in person. Make sure you mean every word too, don't put in cliche crap, use your own words, it'll show her you care and would make such an effort for her to make sure she knows how you feel.

[sally4sara]

I don't think you did anything wrong by maintaining your email and phone privacy. So what she found a 3 year old email from before y'all were really dating (a time when she was still sleeping with her ex)? So what it mentioned some other girl? You've not cheated, that email is ancient history.

 

What you've got on your hands is a mentally abusive GF and she's been around long enough to have you strung up and knows how to work you till YOU are feeling bad for wanting basic personal privacy. Badgering you and picking fights right before bed? She wants to pour through your stuff even though what she found on her first snoop fest was....nothing? She doesn't get her way so she huffs off in a cab because she knows you are ready and waiting to take her actions out on yourself and believe YOU did something wrong. She is just ignoring your calls so when she deigns to answer you'll be so desperate that you'll kiss her ass and beg. Yick!

 

You didn't do anything wrong and your best play would be to not call her. This is all in her head. Wait for her to call you with an apology if you still want her, but you'd be better off finding someone sane.

[katie.x]

I don't think you did anything wrong by maintaining your email and phone privacy. So what she found a 3 year old email from before y'all were really dating (a time when she was still sleeping with her ex)? So what it mentioned some other girl? You've not cheated, that email is ancient history.

 

What you've got on your hands is a mentally abusive GF and she's been around long enough to have you strung up and knows how to work you till YOU are feeling bad for wanting basic personal privacy. Badgering you and picking fights right before bed? She wants to pour through your stuff even though what she found on her first snoop fest was....nothing? She doesn't get her way so she huffs off in a cab because she knows you are ready and waiting to take her actions out on yourself and believe YOU did something wrong. She is just ignoring your calls so when she deigns to answer you'll be so desperate that you'll kiss her ass and beg. Yick!

 

You didn't do anything wrong and your best play would be to not call her. This is all in her head. Wait for her to call you with an apology if you still want her, but you'd be better off finding someone sane.

 

Whilst this possible, I don't think is the case. I feel this is a very negative view.

I think parts of it are true but in all I think the girl is insecure with good reason(or some reason) and it's something that should be discussed.

I'm not placing blame on the guy here either, but I feel his actions were bad for her personally and has lead them over time to where they are now.

[Downtown]

Jackson, I agree with Sally that you have nothing to apologize for and that, until your GF has a real reason to doubt your truthfulness, she has no right to insist on invading your privacy. Her behavior is controlling and verbally abusive. Moreover, her lack of trust was not limited to her outrageous claim that, 3 years ago when she was sleeping with another guy, you should not have sent an email to another woman.

 

That lack of trust also was evident last night when she accused you of cheating on her 3 months ago when you "lied" about your whereabouts. This tactic of accusing a partner of doing or saying something months (or years) earlier is so typical of people who are unable to trust. My exW was like that. Being unable to control her emotions, she would get such intense feelings that she was convinced they MUST be true -- despite the lack of any evidence. She therefore would create the most convoluted, illogical arguments to justify her feelings.

 

Significantly, these false accusations generally were not lies but, rather, distortions in her perception of my intentions and motivations. She therefore genuinely believed the accusations. Typically, they would take the form of unprovable events that supposedly occurred in the past -- or an unprovable claim that you were flirting or had been staring at another woman (e.g., where a one-third-second glance constitutes a "stare" and a one-quarter-second glance does not).

 

My concern is that your GF's issues may go way beyond simple insecurity into the area of her not being capable of trusting anyone for an extended period. If so, your GF is incapable of having a mature, stable relationship with anyone because marriage and friendships must be built on trust.

[Arikel]

Well, my ex was very 'private' about his emails, phone, and even his travelling really. He wouldnt really tell me where he went, or show me any proof about where he went. Just do some last minute 'work travel' over the weekends.

I respected his privacy and didnt 'interrogate' him, because I 'should trust my partner'

Gee, guess what happened?

 

Theres trust, and theres being stupid

[sally4sara]

Well, my ex was very 'private' about his emails, phone, and even his travelling really. He wouldnt really tell me where he went, or show me any proof about where he went. Just do some last minute 'work travel' over the weekends.

I respected his privacy and didnt 'interrogate' him, because I 'should trust my partner'

Gee, guess what happened?

 

Theres trust, and theres being stupid

 

Your ex was cheating. The OP was not and is not but he is getting treated like he is doing something wrong. THAT is stupid and mean. The cops can't even do what she is demanding to do; the need CAUSE and even then, a judge has to agree there is cause and issue a warrant. She is being hella disrespectful. Its no one's function in a relationship to coddle someone's crazy delusions. If he were the one freaking and snooping and his GDp was the badgered and bewildered innocent party, you'd think he was being a controlling test.