Naive2011 Posted August 28, 2011 Posted August 28, 2011 Hello Please bare with me. I'm a 24 year old female and I feel like a naive high school girl. Basically I feel like an idiot. I met a guy last year and he was a lot younger than me. I usually date guys my age or older tho I have only had a few relationships. The last guy I dated before this guy was 29 years old but was one of the most immature people ever. So when I met current SO who was only 18 at the time I wanted nothing to do with him. However he is one charming and attractive guy and so he pursued me a lot and I eventually gave in. He is hilarious and has one of the best bodies I have ever seen in person. So after getting know him I was thrilled that he seemed to be the total package. He is in college full time and works 30 hours a week at a grocery store making pretty decent money. I feel for him fast because it was like nothing I ever felt before. He made me feel loved. He took me on the best dates I'd ever had and we have the best sex I have ever had. I was very happy until about 4 months into the relationship after this new years when my sister saw him with another girl holding hands. I confronted him and he came clean saying he was messing with another girl. I was pissed but impressed that he admitted to it all. I (perhaps stupidly) took him back. However we had many arguments after that and he wanted to take a break so I agreed. We only took a 3 week break because we missed each other and got back together. The next 4 months were fantastic again and I was happy again. One day I went to a place where my friend does Zumba classes. There is a pool next door and I saw my BF with another girl. One beautiful girl. I consider myself attractive but she is model status. I tried to not think the worst. I confronted him and once again he came clean but this time he swore they were not messing around. He said they met when we were on out break and were just friends...however they did have sex once and she is pregnant with his child. This devastated me. I called all thing off but he wanted us to stay together. He swears he loves me and that doing it with her was a huge mistake. I have agreed to stay with him if he proves he really does love me but I feel so stupid for taking him back. Especially because of what his friend has told me. One of his friends who I have know a long time told me that my bf has sex with a new girl every couple of weeks at the parties they have which I guess I am never invited to. I told my bf and he said his friend made this up because he wants us to break up because he has liked me forever. I asked his friend if he had proof and if I knew some of the girls. I did know one and asked her on facebook. She denied having sex with my bf so I dont know if his friends word carries any weight. Out 1 year anniversary in this week and he is taking us to a cabin for a getaway and taing off of work and college to go there. He is spending hundreds of dollars even tho I told him not to since he has a baby on the way but he wants to prove that I am the one he loves. I'm being torn apart by all this. I feel so dumb staying with him but I love him so much. He is the best thing to ever happen to me. The past year with him has been so good until now. I just dont know what to do because of all my stupid emotions. Sorry this is so long.
Author Naive2011 Posted August 28, 2011 Author Posted August 28, 2011 I should add that he is at a party right now. Which I am not happy with. so I am going to go to a movie with friends to get my mind off of all this ****.
ScienceGal Posted August 28, 2011 Posted August 28, 2011 I know how difficult it is to see the truth through emotions, so I am just going to spell it out for you... If you want a man that will never be faithful to you, and you will always be wondering what (and who) he is doing, then stick with this guy. But, if you want a monogamous relationship, then you need to get away from him for good. Where do you see yourself in 10 years? 20? With this guy or a real man? What are your goals and what kind of partner is going to enable you to reach them?
Author Naive2011 Posted August 28, 2011 Author Posted August 28, 2011 I know how difficult it is to see the truth through emotions, so I am just going to spell it out for you... If you want a man that will never be faithful to you, and you will always be wondering what (and who) he is doing, then stick with this guy. But, if you want a monogamous relationship, then you need to get away from him for good. Where do you see yourself in 10 years? 20? With this guy or a real man? What are your goals and what kind of partner is going to enable you to reach them? I know you are right. I hate that I actually do see myself with him in ten years because we have so much in common and are both in school to become professors in English. I hate that I cannot just kick him to the curb and that I am letting him basically control my emotions and my decisions. I know all of this and yet I still cannot do it. I must really be messed up.
Cracker Jack Posted August 28, 2011 Posted August 28, 2011 I know you love him, but as long as you continue to stay with him, he'll have no reason to stop what he's doing. He knows you'll take him back regardless. So, you can either gain control of your life and move on, or continue on with your relationship and always hope he won't cheat on you whenever he's out. You know what you need to do--it's just a matter of you actually doing it.
ScienceGal Posted August 28, 2011 Posted August 28, 2011 (edited) You're not messed up. There are reasons why people do what they do, and the goal should be to understand your history (family and dating) so that you can understand why you make certain choices. I am just like you. I have stayed with men I should not have. I am still pining for my recent ex who is a total jerk. Why do we look past all the bad and cling to the little parts that are good? Because we are scared. Scared of rejection, of being alone, of having to meet someone new. We want what we want, and will be damned if anyone is going to tell us we can't have it! We think we can try harder and love them more, compromise more and the relationship will thrive (right?)... and we are definitely NOT quitters! The list can go on and on, but the point is... you're going to have to be honest with yourself eventually. You can't make the relationship work on your own. You can either accept him for who he is and be ok with it, or you need to leave. Look at the big picture and be honest. If he were dating your best friend, what advice would you give her? What advice has your friends and family given you? Edited August 28, 2011 by ScienceGal
bluenightowl Posted August 28, 2011 Posted August 28, 2011 I should add that he is at a party right now. Which I am not happy with. so I am going to go to a movie with friends to get my mind off of all this ****. I think you are here posting this because you know there is something terribly wrong with this situation. Sometimes people we like really get to us and its incredibly hard to stand up to our values. I think you are not happy in this situation. The thing is, he is very young. I really doubt he is mature enough to want to settle down at this stage in his life, no matter what he says to you. I would likely end this one. You are also quite young and have lots of time to meet other people, but ultimately it is your decision to make.
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