Sexually exclusive??

[sleepessinoh]

What does that mean? I know what it means but I dont know why. Why would he want to be sexually exclusive and yet stay on dating sites and "keep looking" Does he care or does he only care about my sex life. He says we are not "dating" cause I told him no way while he keeps looking. I cant grasp this one in the least.

[ThsAmericanLife]

What does that mean? I know what it means but I dont know why. Why would he want to be sexually exclusive and yet stay on dating sites and "keep looking" Does he care or does he only care about my sex life. He says we are not "dating" cause I told him no way while he keeps looking. I cant grasp this one in the least.

 

That is another way of asking for a 'friend with benefits' arrangement.

 

He gets the benefit of having sex with you, while he keeps looking and dating. Using the word 'exclusive' like it has some magical power or something... But the reality is, if he is dating or actively looking for others, he is not exclusive at all.

 

Stick to your guns on this one...

[bluenightowl]

What does that mean? I know what it means but I dont know why. Why would he want to be sexually exclusive and yet stay on dating sites and "keep looking" Does he care or does he only care about my sex life. He says we are not "dating" cause I told him no way while he keeps looking. I cant grasp this one in the least.

 

It usually means you both won't have sex with anyone else, but are free to date other people. Sometimes people both agree that they are not sure what they want, but they both want sex.

 

Personally, I think he is looking for a bigger better deal a they say, but is happy to have you sexually while he looks for that. Perhaps for two people who feel the same way, it can work, but I would not put up with that now and it seems by your post you are the type looking for a relationship with someone.

 

I always like to think what I might think if I married the person and look back to those early dates of dating. If my memory is of a guy/woman who said that to me, while they went out with all sorts of other woman/men, is that the kind of memory I want to have?

 

No way, but that's just me.

[make me believe]

You're having sex but he says you're not dating? You're his f*ck buddy. I would stop sleeping with him unless you're ok with a FWB arrangement.

[sleepessinoh]

thank you for the insight...that is what I was thinking. He called that "the talk" and so I was thinking we were seeing where this thing goes. But when I asked if he was still looking and he said yes, I about fell off my chair. I told him he was crazy because for me dating and sex go hand and hand. Now he always asks me if I had any hot dates lately...if I had sex and the other night he told me I better tell him if I have sex with anyone else..WTH! I like him but dont like all his other variables like the dating site and looking. I had taken all my profiles down after "the talk" and just recently put them back up. I do want a relationshp and love the time I spend with him but when I am not with him, I wonder who else he is with because of that conversation. But now he says we are not dating because I refuse to because I need to sleep with whoever I want to....which I am not doing...sometimes I think he likes me in a dating way and then most of the time I cant tell...when I tell him that..he tells well I call and I invited you out just for lunch...I let you meet my children. Maybe I am just a higher calibar of friends with benefits lol which I have no interest in

[ThsAmericanLife]

thank you for the insight...that is what I was thinking. He called that "the talk" and so I was thinking we were seeing where this thing goes. But when I asked if he was still looking and he said yes, I about fell off my chair. I told him he was crazy because for me dating and sex go hand and hand. Now he always asks me if I had any hot dates lately...if I had sex and the other night he told me I better tell him if I have sex with anyone else..WTH! I like him but dont like all his other variables like the dating site and looking. I had taken all my profiles down after "the talk" and just recently put them back up. I do want a relationshp and love the time I spend with him but when I am not with him, I wonder who else he is with because of that conversation. But now he says we are not dating because I refuse to because I need to sleep with whoever I want to....which I am not doing...sometimes I think he likes me in a dating way and then most of the time I cant tell...when I tell him that..he tells well I call and I invited you out just for lunch...I let you meet my children. Maybe I am just a higher calibar of friends with benefits lol which I have no interest in

 

naah. Throw this fish back, sweetheart.

 

At best, he is a 'multi-dater'... He will keep pestering you for a FWB arrangement (and trying to convince you that you are 'special' because he may or may not be f**g someone else THIS WEEK)... or worse.. lie and say he is 'exclusive' and start seeing others behind your back.

 

doesn't sound like your goals are in line.

[verhrzn]

thank you for the insight...that is what I was thinking. He called that "the talk" and so I was thinking we were seeing where this thing goes. But when I asked if he was still looking and he said yes, I about fell off my chair. I told him he was crazy because for me dating and sex go hand and hand. Now he always asks me if I had any hot dates lately...if I had sex and the other night he told me I better tell him if I have sex with anyone else..WTH! I like him but dont like all his other variables like the dating site and looking. I had taken all my profiles down after "the talk" and just recently put them back up. I do want a relationshp and love the time I spend with him but when I am not with him, I wonder who else he is with because of that conversation. But now he says we are not dating because I refuse to because I need to sleep with whoever I want to....which I am not doing...sometimes I think he likes me in a dating way and then most of the time I cant tell...when I tell him that..he tells well I call and I invited you out just for lunch...I let you meet my children. Maybe I am just a higher calibar of friends with benefits lol which I have no interest in

 

This guy is just a hypocrite. He wants to keep looking, but he wants you to be available just to him. In other words, YOU should be exclusive, but he can still date around.

[sleepessinoh]

I wonder if there are any guys out there who just date one person and see where this thing goes after you meet someone and like them...seems like the world is dating multi people and I struggle badly with that. I tried it and I didnt like it. He is trying to wear me down, I can tell. But I also silly in my thinking that I really want to see where this could go and I think he is counting on that and that will be my downfall.

[ThsAmericanLife]

I wonder if there are any guys out there who just date one person and see where this thing goes after you meet someone and like them...seems like the world is dating multi people and I struggle badly with that. I tried it and I didnt like it. He is trying to wear me down, I can tell. But I also silly in my thinking that I really want to see where this could go and I think he is counting on that and that will be my downfall.

 

You might want to consider not seeing him at all and moving on.

 

The world isn't into dating multi-people... only the online dating world.

 

It's ok if you don't want to multi-date. Just put it out there loud and clear and don't settle for less.

[bluenightowl]

thank you for the insight...that is what I was thinking. He called that "the talk" and so I was thinking we were seeing where this thing goes. But when I asked if he was still looking and he said yes, I about fell off my chair. I told him he was crazy because for me dating and sex go hand and hand. Now he always asks me if I had any hot dates lately...if I had sex and the other night he told me I better tell him if I have sex with anyone else..WTH! I like him but dont like all his other variables like the dating site and looking. I had taken all my profiles down after "the talk" and just recently put them back up. I do want a relationshp and love the time I spend with him but when I am not with him, I wonder who else he is with because of that conversation. But now he says we are not dating because I refuse to because I need to sleep with whoever I want to....which I am not doing...sometimes I think he likes me in a dating way and then most of the time I cant tell...when I tell him that..he tells well I call and I invited you out just for lunch...I let you meet my children. Maybe I am just a higher calibar of friends with benefits lol which I have no interest in

 

I was just about to ask how old he was, thinking perhaps he was only 16, but just saw the part about his kids. He doesn't seem very mature about dating, and slightly possessive as well. I don't understand how he would think you want to date and have sex with other people. I would be more firm (next time). No sex, and no dating unless you are just dating each other if that is indeed what you want.

 

But given all you have said about this guy, I would also throw him back. He seems very immature to me.

[bluenightowl]

I wonder if there are any guys out there who just date one person and see where this thing goes after you meet someone and like them...seems like the world is dating multi people and I struggle badly with that. I tried it and I didnt like it. He is trying to wear me down, I can tell. But I also silly in my thinking that I really want to see where this could go and I think he is counting on that and that will be my downfall.

 

There are. I'm one of them who learned from similar situations. You need to find someone like yourself. They are out there.

 

The problem with dating sites is they tend to encourage multi dating and its become too easy to setup many dates.

[bluenightowl]

The world isn't into dating multi-people... only the online dating world.

 

I think that isn't quite true. The world of the 1950's from what I understand did much courting by men of woman (isn't that multi-dating), but it was only after 1960's and the invent of the pill that things went from courting to what has evolved to having sex earlier and earlier for some people.

 

Now we have online dating that combines all of the above and we have a new set of issues that has become very common for more and more people.

[ThsAmericanLife]

I think that isn't quite true. The world of the 1950's from what I understand did much courting by men of woman (isn't that multi-dating), but it was only after 1960's and the invent of the pill that things went from courting to what has evolved to having sex earlier and earlier for some people.

 

Now we have online dating that combines all of the above and we have a new set of issues that has become very common for more and more people.

 

You know... I've thought about that myself.

 

When I think about 'multi-dating', it isn't in the context of traditional courting and getting to know each other.

 

I'm ok with men doing something more along the lines of traditional courting, if I can trust that he isn't also f-ing one or more of them while seeing me. It kind of grosses me out. I don't like feeling part of a harem or that a man is somehow keeping me in the corral. In earlier days, that 'courting' had an end goal and some expectation of a decision being made relatively soon too.

 

These days, it is in the context of men or woman having somewhat fluid boundaries... having sex with some, not others... and all these 'terms'. FWB, F-buddies, Friendzone, blah blah. Also, without an end goal in mind....ie, actually choosing ONE, the term 'attention whore' has been invented.

 

Noone likes feeling like they are being groomed for a life in someone's stable.

 

On the other hand... some people expect that decision to be made by the third date... and people who require more time must be an 'attention whore'.

 

I dunno. Don't have the answer on this one.

Edited August 28, 2011 by ThsAmericanLife

[carhill]

OP, are you talking about the MM or another guy?

 

FWIW, no one, single or married, can ever know for sure if their partner is sexually exclusive. If they are together 24/7, which few couples are, it's more likely to know. This man is talking about exclusivity ostensibly to plant the seed in your mind. He's selling you something. If he is the MM you spoke of in the other thread, watch out.

[bluenightowl]

You know... I've thought about that myself.

 

When I think about 'multi-dating', it isn't in the context of traditional courting and getting to know each other.

 

I'm ok with men doing something more along the lines of traditional courting, if I can trust that he isn't also f-ing one or more of them while seeing me. It kind of grosses me out. I don't like feeling part of a harem or that a man is somehow keeping me in the corral. In earlier days, that 'courting' had an end goal and some expectation of a decision being made relatively soon too.

 

These days, it is in the context of men or woman having somewhat fluid boundaries... having sex with some, not others... and all these 'terms'. FWB, F-buddies, Friendzone, blah blah. Also, without an end goal in mind....ie, actually choosing ONE, the term 'attention whore' has been invented.

 

Noone likes feeling like they are being groomed for a life in someone's stable.

 

On the other hand... some people expect that decision to be made by the third date... and people who require more time must be an 'attention whore'.

 

I dunno. Don't have the answer on this one.

 

I think the biggest difference is woman would have been far less likely to have sex with a man than today. I'm not trying to pick on one gender, but I think men in those days still wanted to have sex as much as today, but woman held a larger burden to say no in those days because the idea of getting pregnant in those days held a far greater stigma. Women were sent to places if they were out of wedlock and pregnant. It was a big deal then.

 

So overall, I think people lockin faster because people have sex sooner. Men know women get attached after sex, so if they want a woman they might try for it before another man does. The same goes for women who use sex to lure in men who don't want to wait for the woman who wants to wait. Now add online dating and things are just accelerated. Before men and woman who could never play the field like some men and women could, now they can as well get 5 dates a week and knowing that one gender is doing it, makes the other gender want to if only to protect themselves.

 

Overall, I think it means a lot more confusion because people are now mixing courting with sex. You have one person who is wired to think having sex with someone and continuing to date is normal and a healthy and better way to choose a partner and another slightly more traditional group who feels that having sex too soon is a bad idea, and a third group who assumes because they had sex they must be in a relationship.

 

You see an evolution of thinking here on LS from people who have been hurt by such processes and now have changed their behaviour to protect themselves.

Edited August 28, 2011 by bluenightowl