Dating as a fat man

[Carlos S]

Please listen very carefully. And ignore all other posts insofar as they are inconsistent with what I write. And if you feel you are in a similar boat to Mr OP, please pay attention.

 

Before you go on, I don't know what you genetic condition is like. It would be useful, if not critical, if you went to a doctor to clarify this.

 

My advice is to LOSE WEIGHT FOR YOURSELF. Forget attracting the right kind of girl. Yes, there's that, and feeling more confidence etc... (which is true - I can tell you from experience). But it's going to impact of how long you live and your standard of living in your later years.

 

Next important thing: I strongly believe that THE BEST MOTIVATOR IS RESULTS. That is why the most crucial thing for you to do in order to achieve the "lose weight for yourself" objective is to follow the RIGHT regime in regards to diet and exercise. If you are doing this right, you will see results, and that's going to make you more motivated, and then you'll see more results, and so on and so forth until you discover motivation that you didn't know you had.

 

The following is to my absolute best of my knowledge insofar as it relates to human biology and physiology.

 

General advice:

 

- Join a gym - it is seriously worth the money. And I strongly, strongly suggest getting a qualified fitness trainer. Tell him that you want to lose weight and put on muscle. If he's any good (rule of thumb: he's at a reputable gym) he'll help you design an exercise and fitness regime as a qualified expert. At the very least, consult a friend who's ripped (not just in shape - f**ing ripped) for advice (far less preferable). This is because:

- It is NOT simply an arithmetic exercise of how many calories you eat and how many you think you burn while exercising. The TYPE of diet and exercise matters. In particular...

- You want to do exercises that burn s***loads of calories after your workout

- Prioritize. If this is as important to you as you say it is, you won't have problem spending less time and money on other things. It won't take excessive amounts of time, but it will take some commitment, and it will take focus.

- Do not starve yourself. It is not productive. It will slow down your metabolism, and you will very quickly get the urge to binge eat. Just eat sensibly.

 

Specific advice

 

When you consult your fitness expert, he will suggest a regime tailored to your physical condition. THE REGIME SHOULD INCORPORATE THESE ELEMENTS

- HIGH INTENSITY WEIGHT TRAINING. Weights are a great way to improve your appearance even if you are tubby. But it is an INCREDIBLE way to lose weight. But do not go to the weights to go through the motions: you must go HARD; lift as much as you can per workout (with a lesser emphasis on no of reps). This will burn calories like crazy, boost metabolism like you wouldn't believe and pack on muscle really quickly. You should be increasing your weights fairly quickly, further motivating you to keep at it. However, note an important caveat: you should consult a fitness expert before doing this as you may need to do some things (exercise-wise) in order to prepare your body for this if you are out of shape and a beginner (the "PREPARATION CAVEAT").

- HIGH INTENSITY INTERVAL TRAINING FOR CARDIO. Many people don't know this. The goal should be short bursts of intense cardio. There are many varieties. The best known one is sprinting - sprinting as hard as you can, rest a little, repeat. This is FAR MORE TIME-EFFECTIVE than mild cycling or jogging. However, do consult a fitness expert first - the preparation caveat applies even more here.

- One more note on the exercise - it will... kinda hurt a little. I promise you will feel exhaustion and muscle fatigue. But that's the feeling of results, and you won't mind if you are ABSOLUTELY F***ING DETERMINED. And the results will come.

- HEALTHY, LOW-FAT AND LOW-SUGAR DIET. The aim should be high protein, low fat, low process carbs, and plenty of veges. It doesn't have to taste like s***. And also, importantly the goal should be a diet that does not require a PhD to follow. You don't need to entirely eliminate going to restaurants or bars.

- It does not take 5-10 hours a week, as one poster said. It does not have to be a second job if you do it right. However, if you feel so motivated, please do feel free to spend more time exercising

- Forget walking, jogging, and definitely forget sit-ups (both f***ing useless), except insofar as they comply with the preparation caveat

- ABOVE ALL, PLEASE HAVE PATIENCE. It will take some commitment, but hang in there and the results will follow

 

Those in terrific shape who follow this advice, please holler

Edited August 28, 2011 by Carlos S

[phineas]

Intermittent fasting isn't sustainable-what I'm talking about is a lifestyle change. Yes intermittent fasting does work in the shirt term, but generally people who do this put it back on later...and it ends up being a yoyo diet.

 

At 2lbs a week safely (more if you are really obece) IF is a yrs long commitment for fat loss.

 

I agree once you start bulking to add muscle it isn't going to work for you.

 

But i'm only talking from the weight loss perspective. IF isn't license to eat garbage. your still eating the same types of foods just spread out afterword.

 

I personally can't do IF.

I can't eat that much in a sitting. LOL!

[Ayla]

I don't know about counting calories...and IMO it doesnt work...and leaves you feeling lethargic. Everyone is different, and each body type requires a different diet (as in amount of food types). Everything I've learnt is from my PT who is trained in all things for a healthy lifestyle.

 

Some people are not physically able to run just yet, hence walking is the first option. A good diet, mixture of cardio and weights training is great. But one should want to do it for themselves, otherwise the drive and motivation isn't there full time.

 

I'll second what Carlos S is saying...

[phineas]

You need fat to metabolize vitamins & feel satiated.

Low fat diets will not work.

You need a certain amount of healthy fats when dieting or you will stall & start feeling crappy.

 

I get at least 70 grams of fat a day.

 

It is calories in calories out.

It's the type of calories you eat. (macro's) that matter.

 

Killing yourself in the gym is going to get you no-where if you do not know your maint. cals & eat at a deficit.

 

If you've spent any amount of time in a gym you see the same people doing hrs of cardio & months later they look the same.

 

It's because their diet is bad.

 

You cannot out exercise a poor diet. period.

 

I lost my last 45lbs with mostly diet & lifting weights. My cardio involved walking my dog maybe 3 times a week for 45 mins.

[gaius]

Nobody came out of auschwitz 250 pounds because they had fat genes. If you actually do come up with a good diet plan and stick with it for a while you will lose weight.

 

Don't totally change your entire diet and daily routine at once, that's almost guaranteeing failure. Take incremental steps, like start cutting soda out of your diet today. A few weeks down the line if that's successful you can start taking a walk every morning. It's so much easier that way.

 

Or just keep telling everyone it's your genes, people may smile and be nice to your face but nobody really believes you.

[Ayla]

I personally can't do IF.

I can't eat that much in a sitting. LOL!

 

Me either! I lost 33 pounds in 9 months with the way above, and I've kept it off for another 6 months whilst toning and building muscle. It's great!

 

And was only going to the gym twice a week. A good balanced diet is the best thing.

Edited August 28, 2011 by Ayla

[phineas]

Carlos S & Ayla, how much weight have you guys lost?

 

Because honestly, I don't see how you could with such awful advice & promotion of fat-loss myths.

 

You don't count calories, you don't count macro's.

 

It sounds like you guys just starve yourselves & do endless hrs of exercise.

 

That is not a lifestyle someone can keep up with.

 

I lift weights for about 30 to 45 mins. 3 days a week & walk my dog a couple days a week for 45mins.

 

I rely on exercise to keep my muscles & diet to loose my fat.

[BetheButterfly]

I'm digging myself into a hole here I can see.. I'm about to be attacked from all angles but this is a topic I'm passionate about so here goes...

1. There are plenty of women on this planet who aren't thin but are beautiful, smart, funny and loving

2. Unless you are blessed with a high metabolism and are genetically superior to the average person, it DOES take 5-10 hrs a week of effort between working out and being conscious of/ planning to eat healthy and executing that plan to stay fit for the average American woman. In some other countries with more active lifestyles and more walking it might take less effort but that's how it is here.

3. Same for guys. If you want to be considered fit/ attractive/ healthy- get thee to a gym and put down the french fries and beer. Cancel cable tv and a gym membership is suddenly affordable. If you aren't willing to do all of these things then don't complain and love up on the many available, beautiful women who are out there and want you, and leave the "hotties" as you call them, alone.

 

 

Totally agree with all points above!

 

I am not blessed with fabulous stay skinny genes. It's something I work hard at, and it's an everyday decision I make. At least 5 times a week I NEED to work out, and almost every day, I NEED to put in my mouth what is healthy, and not very much of it. Only once a week can I "splurge" by eating something chocolatey fattening, and believe me, I always look forward to it! However, I like having a beautiful figure BETTER than chocolatey goodness, and one of the main reasons why is because I have a handsome, muscular, wonderful man who makes me tingle everytime he appreciates my body...

 

And you know what? I know 100% for a fact that if I did not take care of my body, the man I love would not have been attracted to me, and would have only seen me as a friend. For him, fitness is important, and is actually one of his "requirements" for a life partner. So, for the rest of my life, I will be hitting the gym with him, and that is something I am willing to do because it's good for us to do. Working out should be just as normal as eating... our bodies NEED it.

 

Also, I have more energy when I am healthy... it's hard on the body to carry extra weight around... it's like a person strapping weights of 10 lbs all the way up to 100 or more pounds on their body and walking around ALL THE TIME with that weight... it's sad. If a person did that, people would be like hey dude why are you carrying those weights around? Aren't you tired? Well, that is exactly what a person does to their body when they pack on the lbs. inside of their skin.... not good.

 

Many Americans today are obese, and are obese TOGETHER with family and friends. Why? Because in many cases, the kids were fed by their obese parents and hung out with obese friends. If family and friends change their lifestyle, that would solve much of the problem!

 

So, OP, start exercising... hit the gym and you will feel so much better. Also, watch The Biggest Loser... that show is extremely inspiring.

 

You can do it!!! Stop blaming meds and genes and make it happen! You are in control of much of your destiny, but just sitting around and eating all day doesn't do anything but hurt you.

[Carlos S]

Carlos S & Ayla, how much weight have you guys lost?

 

A hell of a lot

[thatone]

Women are more sensitive and place a greater premium on looks because that is primarily what we are judged on. Beauty and youth. Age is not something that can be "worked on" obviously so that leaves us girls with beauty. I notice you didn't say, "my gf is smarter/ has more money/ has a better personality than me". Nope, you said more attractive.

 

I am really smart. I have a personality. I earn more $ than most women my age. I am confident and optimistic. I can work on those facets of my life until the cows come home, but if I don't also spend my estimated 5-10 hours a week working on my appearance I will severely limit my dating pool.

yeah, but i can show you a LOT of my friends from high school, who were very attractive as teenagers/20-somethings, who are happily married to women or men you would consider 'ugly'.

 

i can also show you some of the cheerleaders and football players i went to high school with who are still single and struggling with the opposite sex at 35.

 

i don't disagree that women are judged for their appearance more than men are. that is what it is. but men are simply not judged by the same set of rules.

 

my gf is as smart as me, yes. she has a graduate degree and is working on going back to school for another one. she doesn't have as much money as me, but that goes along with her chosen career.

 

so eliminating the things we have in equal proportions, you could narrow the rest down to i have money and she has looks. what terrible people we are! i use my finances to get women and she uses her natural good looks to get men.

 

but the fact remains that so far we're happy with each other.

 

and the fact also remains that while she could assuredly get a guy who spent all his free time at the gym, that guy would in all likelihood be as dumb as a sack of rocks, and that's not what she wants.

 

just like i could 'buy' for lack of a better word, a 22 year old to be my arm candy, but that's not what i want either. she is attractive for 32, but she's still 32. all the gym time in the world won't turn the clock back for her.

 

it really is that simple, as i said, men have three positive traits to choose from. attitude/intelligence, looks, money. they will need the mental part no matter which of the other two they have, but they can choose one of the other two and do just fine.

 

if they don't have the looks, they can simply choose to be another desirable trait. just as if women don't have the looks, they can choose to be more compassionate, loyal, caring and 'wife like' and get men, while the more attractive women are too selfish.

 

everyone has options. the OP's problem isn't that he needs to look like a guy in GQ, it's that he can't look like a guy in GQ so he needs to offer something else. if he lacks the looks and the intelligence/attitude, that's two strikes against him. you're not gonna get a lot of hits if you start out the count 0 and 2 every time at bat.

[Ayla]

Carlos S & Ayla, how much weight have you guys lost?.

 

I've lost 33 pounds in 9 months...and I do not starve myself. I eat 5 times a day with a healthy balanced diet. I'm pretty sure Carlos S and I said some similar things...

-starving yourself slows the metabolism

- don't count calories

- healthy diet (mixture of food types eg fat, carbs and protien)

- join a gym and get a PT

 

Not sure where you got the idea that I starve myself....It's what you eat and when you eat it.

Edited August 28, 2011 by Ayla

[xxoo]

Weight aside, an active woman wants an active man.

 

You should get more active and eat better not just to lose weight, but for general good health. Not as a "diet" or "exercise plan", but as "healthy new life outlook". You'll feel and look better, yes, but you'll also be more compatible with the kind of woman you desire.

 

I would be fine with a man your height/weight if he could keep up with me, and enjoyed eating the kinds of foods I like. But I wouldn't be interested in a man who disliked exercise (gym not needed--but getting outside and hiking, biking, getting sweaty) and ate a lot of fast food.

 

If your current lifestyle is sedentary and fast food, a compatible mate will also be sedentary and eat fast food--and look like it

[Beachgirl8]

yeah, but i can show you a LOT of my friends from high school, who were very attractive as teenagers/20-somethings, who are happily married to women or men you would consider 'ugly'.

 

i can also show you some of the cheerleaders and football players i went to high school with who are still single and struggling with the opposite sex at 35.

 

i don't disagree that women are judged for their appearance more than men are. that is what it is. but men are simply not judged by the same set of rules.

 

my gf is as smart as me, yes. she has a graduate degree and is working on going back to school for another one. she doesn't have as much money as me, but that goes along with her chosen career.

 

so eliminating the things we have in equal proportions, you could narrow the rest down to i have money and she has looks. what terrible people we are! i use my finances to get women and she uses her natural good looks to get men.

 

but the fact remains that so far we're happy with each other.

 

and the fact also remains that while she could assuredly get a guy who spent all his free time at the gym, that guy would in all likelihood be as dumb as a sack of rocks, and that's not what she wants.

 

just like i could 'buy' for lack of a better word, a 22 year old to be my arm candy, but that's not what i want either. she is attractive for 32, but she's still 32. all the gym time in the world won't turn the clock back for her.

 

it really is that simple, as i said, men have three positive traits to choose from. attitude/intelligence, looks, money. they will need the mental part no matter which of the other two they have, but they can choose one of the other two and do just fine.

 

if they don't have the looks, they can simply choose to be another desirable trait. just as if women don't have the looks, they can choose to be more compassionate, loyal, caring and 'wife like' and get men, while the more attractive women are too selfish.

 

everyone has options. the OP's problem isn't that he needs to look like a guy in GQ, it's that he can't look like a guy in GQ so he needs to offer something else. if he lacks the looks and the intelligence/attitude, that's two strikes against him. you're not gonna get a lot of hits if you start out the count 0 and 2 every time at bat.

 

 

The OP is not interested in women for their ability to be being caring and loyal. He is interested in obtaining a "hottie". Granted, there are many examples of attractive women that date men who are less attractive than them physically but are financially successful. But if he wants to maximize his chances of success with "hotties" (Can you tell I don't like that word?) he should adopt a healthier lifestyle and put some effort into his appearance in addition to working on becoming financially successful.

 

Basically he said that he was overweight and there is nothing he can do about it. But he's only attracted to thin, pretty women. I am pointing out that there IS something he can do about that aspect of his life if he so chooses. Not that it is his only option or that he HAS to do that to get girls. You are absolutely correct that if he has the other 2 qualities that will increase his chances of generating interest from women.

 

Your relationship with your girlfriend sounds like it is not based solely on a trade off between looks and $. You seem to appreciate her for her other qualities as well, and she sounds very intelligent. But that is an exceptional case. As in exception to the norm.

I live in Miami so I see unattractive, rich men with beautiful women ALL THE TIME. Their relationships are nothing like what you have described with your gf. Most of those girls are simply arm candy, living a lifestyle they could not otherwise afford, and while they might be grateful to the men who are taking care of them, they aren't attracted to him. They are banging their personal trainer at the gym or dating a hot bartender behind his back. I mean, to each his own and if that's what the OP is looking for then he can likely find it by relying solely on $ to land him a "hottie". I think he would be much better off trying to improve his health and appearance (not try to be a magazine model, just lose a little weight) and amend his criteria for a female companion somewhat so he is not ONLY interested in the prettiest girls.

[Beachgirl8]

weight aside, an active woman wants an active man.

 

You should get more active and eat better not just to lose weight, but for general good health. Not as a "diet" or "exercise plan", but as "healthy new life outlook". You'll feel and look better, yes, but you'll also be more compatible with the kind of woman you desire.

 

I would be fine with a man your height/weight if he could keep up with me, and enjoyed eating the kinds of foods i like. But i wouldn't be interested in a man who disliked exercise (gym not needed--but getting outside and hiking, biking, getting sweaty) and ate a lot of fast food.

 

If your current lifestyle is sedentary and fast food, a compatible mate will also be sedentary and eat fast food--and look like it

 

exactly!!!!!!!!!

[Kindaconfused_77]

Ill disagree that counting calories does not help, it helps more than anything to be conscious of what you are putting in your mouth and helps re-educate your eating habits. After a month or two of calorie counting, you will no longer need to do so because you will just know what is good and bad for you. For someone used to shovelling anything into their mouth without regard for what nutritional values it has, counting calories is an excellent way to start changing your eating habits.

[thatone]

The OP is not interested in women for their ability to be being caring and loyal. He is interested in obtaining a "hottie". Granted, there are many examples of attractive women that date men who are less attractive than them physically but are financially successful. But if he wants to maximize his chances of success with "hotties" (Can you tell I don't like that word?) he should adopt a healthier lifestyle and put some effort into his appearance in addition to working on becoming financially successful.

 

Basically he said that he was overweight and there is nothing he can do about it. But he's only attracted to thin, pretty women. I am pointing out that there IS something he can do about that aspect of his life if he so chooses. Not that it is his only option or that he HAS to do that to get girls. You are absolutely correct that if he has the other 2 qualities that will increase his chances of generating interest from women.

 

Your relationship with your girlfriend sounds like it is not based solely on a trade off between looks and $. You seem to appreciate her for her other qualities as well, and she sounds very intelligent. But that is an exceptional case. As in exception to the norm.

I live in Miami so I see unattractive, rich men with beautiful women ALL THE TIME. Their relationships are nothing like what you have described with your gf. Most of those girls are simply arm candy, living a lifestyle they could not otherwise afford, and while they might be grateful to the men who are taking care of them, they aren't attracted to him. They are banging their personal trainer at the gym or dating a hot bartender behind his back. I mean, to each his own and if that's what the OP is looking for then he can likely find it by relying solely on $ to land him a "hottie". I think he would be much better off trying to improve his health and appearance (not try to be a magazine model, just lose a little weight) and amend his criteria for a female companion somewhat so he is not ONLY interested in the prettiest girls.

 

i'm not disagreeing with what you're saying about him, i'm disagreeing on the advice he's getting. he's got mental issues, that's why he has no success with women. and all the workouts in the world won't change that.

[madjac74]

i'm not disagreeing with what you're saying about him, i'm disagreeing on the advice he's getting. he's got mental issues, that's why he has no success with women. and all the workouts in the world won't change that.

 

There is such thing as a mental workout. In fact, more people should concern themselves with that rather than worrying about exercising their little love muscle.

[FitChick]

I know what I'm attracted to, and would rather be alone if I don't get it.

 

Looks like you got your wish.

[thatone]

There is such thing as a mental workout. In fact, more people should concern themselves with that rather than worrying about exercising their little love muscle.

 

i agree completely.

[OnyxSnowfall]

i'm not disagreeing with what you're saying about him, i'm disagreeing on the advice he's getting. he's got mental issues, that's why he has no success with women. and all the workouts in the world won't change that.

 

FINALLY someone else on here that thinks so too... seriously.

[OnyxSnowfall]

There is such thing as a mental workout. In fact, more people should concern themselves with that rather than worrying about exercising their little love muscle.

 

Yes. I was initially amused at the persistent fixation about the weight... (and people overlooking the OP's comments about having been suicidal etc, in favor of "weight" idealization...)... but then it just became a little disturbing.

 

The health of the mind is extremely important... and if it's afflicted, it "can" be healed... and if it's stagnating, it can "exercise"...

[Disillusioned]

I am 5 feet 10 inches and 220 pounds. Most of it is fat, too, not muscle.

 

I hate my beer belly, but what I hate even more is that my chances for dating are slim as a fat man. I've tried dieting, and exercise, but never can seem to keep the weight off. It's my genes, I have obesity in my family.

 

What do I do? Go after women who are bigger, and equal to me? Even if I don't find them attractive? Isn't that unfair to them?

 

I don't want to date someone just to not be lonely. I'd rather be attracted to her, or be lonely.

 

(I realize I'm being hypocritical, because a girl probably wouldn't be attracted to me, as a fat man. However, I feel like I can't just shake this...I know what I'm attracted to, and would rather be alone if I don't get it.)

 

Hey, I'm fat too... in fact, I don't mind calling myself a land whale. I'm 6'6" and over 350 lbs, but my antidepressant is my woodworking and my writing. I figure if women are going to be so repelled by my appearance that they won't even say hi to me, it's not my loss... all it takes is one to do a little breaking through.

[OnyxSnowfall]

Problem is, you can't isolate being short from insecurities the guy has about it. And in the long run it's impossible to tell, whether it was height specifically, or just coupled insecurities.

 

I'm sure that's partly why. "Napoleon syndrome" ... another reason is that I like feeling substantially smaller than my partner. It induces some erotic vulnerability within me.... that and being able to look up into my guy's eyes, while he's looking down into mine (and if he smirks ahhhh, especially with an arrogant/manly expression... mm melttt) is just sexy... and then being embraced and lifted up... or standing on my tippy-toes to draw my lips up to his mmm... I can't imagine being like "okay... get your stool" to recreate that or "on my knees I go" or whatever lol...

 

I just like feeling over-lorded over. Perhaps I have issues going on, but it makes me feel more feminine... I enjoy feeling that way.

 

I also like being able to pounce my guy and wrap around him and feel like a little nymph while he carries me somewhere and has his way with me (my weight is already low... and I am not really interested in the "work-out" life-style so I wouldn't go for a short guy with muscles just so he could be playful with me and lift me up easier etc etc etc [i wouldn't be able to feel like a retarded little pixie still]... additionally, I have had quite a few men who were fitness junkies pursue me and... we had nothing in common. I do dance and I do hike [and I've been into yoga/pilates], but I am no gym nor sports rat =/... and I am passionate about learning, reading, writing, art, philosophy etc... I've yet to encounter a man into fitness who cares even the slightest about such things)

 

Someone in another thread mentioned it's because shorter men are perceived as "boyish"... and for better or worse, that's part of it too.

 

It's really my "shallow" issue (as far as physique goes). Weight, facial features, skin, hair eye color, etc etc etc aren't issues. The freaking height though... the height!!!

 

PS. No, losing weight isn't absolutely necessary to get hotties - I've seen counterexamples - but it will help.

 

It's not necessary.

Edited August 28, 2011 by OnyxSnowfall

[Cypress25]

no carbs after 4pm

 

This right here is what we call bad advice. You think your body knows when it's 4pm? Every meal and snack should contain a healthy balance of carbs, protein, and fat. Yes, even dinner should include all three macro nutrients.

 

And counting calories definitely helps. Counting calories doesn't mean starving yourself. You have to make sure you get enough calories, and you can only do that by counting. Most people are terrible at estimating calories. One of my guy friends was trying to lose weight but he refused to count calories, so he never lost weight because he was eating much less than he thought. And then he gave up because he thought he was doing everything right and still not seeing results.

 

The reason he wasn't seeing results is because he was in starvation mode. I tallied up the calories he was eating (since he refused to do it himself) and he consistently came in at less than 1200 calories a day. He thought he was eating 1600 calories a day. No wonder he was starving and couldn't gain any muscle, no matter how much weight training he did.

 

Just count the damn calories and make sure you get enough. For weight loss and energy, it's much better to eat 6 small meals a day, instead of 3 big ones. It should still be the same number of total calories for the day, just more spread out. That way you won't get too hungry or lethargic between meals, since you'll be eating every 3-4 hours.

 

I never lost weight by limiting carbs. I'm vegetarian, half my diet is carbs. In general, most people need to eat about 45% carbs, 30% fat, and 25% protein every day. It varies a little depending on age, sex, weight, and any medical conditions you might have.

[AHardDaysNight]

I'd rather be 220 pounds than suffering from manic attacks and suicidal thoughts.

 

Just saying.