Dating as a fat man

[somedude81]

What you do is become what you want. If you want a hot girl, become hot yourself. I see you even mention that should you go after big girls even if you're not attracted to them. Then you say you rather be lonely if you can't get what you're attracted to.

 

So the answer is simple, my brotha.

 

Become what you're attracted to if you want to get it. Otherwise, yes, by your own convictions, you will be alone.

Sadly it's more complicated than that.

 

The vast majority of women I pursued were in my league. I even made a thread about it a few months ago and posted a picture of me and the girl I'm after. Many people said that we looked good and natural together; a couple of people said we could have been a married couple.

 

But I can't get her, or other girls like her.

 

So what I figure, is that a man can only get girls that he is "better" than.

Just out of curiosity- why would the woman I described WANT to eat less and make sacrifices if her only option is a guy with a beer gut who refuses to make the same sacrifices?

Sorry, I wasn't aware that you were describing a woman for him.

 

My belief is that nobody should be fat.

[superdub]

Sadly it's more complicated than that.

 

The vast majority of women I pursued were in my league. I even made a thread about it a few months ago and posted a picture of me and the girl I'm after. Many people said that we looked good and natural together; a couple of people said we could have been a married couple.

 

But I can't get her, or other girls like her.

 

So what I figure, is that a man can only get girls that he is "better" than.

 

Sorry, I wasn't aware that you were describing a woman for him.

 

My belief is that nobody should be fat.

 

Wait, are we saying: Become a woman that's athletic and into buff dudes or be attracted to guys who are 5'10 and 185?

[Beachgirl8]

It's a little like quitting smoking.

 

I quit smoking at least once a day.

[somedude81]

Wait, are we saying: Become a woman that's athletic and into buff dudes or be attracted to guys who are 5'10 and 185?

Huh? I said nothing of the sort.

 

I said that a guy needs to be better than a woman he wants or he won't be able to get her.

 

Me, I'm 5'6, 153. I'm heavier than most guys my weight, but most of that weight is muscle.

 

But as I was saying earlier, the girl I want is within my league and so was just about every other girl I chased. But none of them wanted to me. So I'm going to have to date down to actually get a girl. Which really sucks because that means I'm going to have to pursue fat girls when I'm not attracted to them at all and I'm not fat myself.

[Beachgirl8]

Somedude how old are you?

[superdub]

Somedude how old are you?

 

30, he is....betting based on the 81

 

Hey, did you send me new b00b pics, or do I have to beg in the form of Ke$sha lyrics?

Edited August 28, 2011 by superdub
important questions need to be asked.

[somedude81]

I'll be 30 next week. Why do you ask?

[Cypress25]

Diets don't fail. People lose motivation and revert to being complacent. Find something reasonable you can stick to.

 

My diet failed, but not because I lost motivation. It failed because I ended up in the hospital at 83 pounds and was forced to gain weight via high-calorie nutritional supplements. There is such a thing as a diet that is too strict.

 

And many diets fail because they are unreasonable and no one could possibly stick to them. People lose motivation on those diets because they are so rigid and require such dramatic change that they become impossible to follow. People should lose motivation under those circumstances. It's like being in prison, living that way. It's possible to lose weight without torturing yourself.

 

My belief is that nobody should be fat.

 

That's easy to say if you've never struggled with your weight. I believe that anyone can lose weight, but some people have to work much harder than others. Some people don't have to do a damn thing because they're genetically blessed and they don't take any medications, so it's effortless to stay thin. Some people have to restrict calories and do high-intensity cardio every day to keep their weight down.

 

You can't tell just by looking at someone how hard they work to stay in shape. My ex-boyfriend never exercised and he had the worst eating habits of anyone I'd ever known. He ate 3,000 calories a day and most of it was high-fat, sugary junk food or fast food. And yet, he was 5'10" and 160 pounds. He had the metabolism of a humming bird. He ate like a fat person, he just wasn't fat. If he ever tried to go on a diet, he wouldn't last 3 days.

 

And then there's my best friend, who is a Pilates instructor. She's always been athletic: gymnastics, figure skating, ballet, soccer, softball, you name it. She loves all sports. But she's never been thin. She's not fat, but she's curvy and extremely muscular. As a teenager, she had to quit ballet because her teacher said her hips and thighs were too big. People might think she needs to lose weight, but she's very fit.

[Beachgirl8]

30, negative attitude, height challenged and aversion to not- skinny girls. That's a tough situation. Definitely don't online date, that's a waste of time for shorter guys.

The guy who moved into my old apartment is 5'6, but he has a great attitude and got into bodybuilding and is super social, and found a really pretty slim, (sinle mom though) girlfriend within 3 months of moving here. Im not saying bodybuilding is the answer, but any interest where you can develop yourself AND meet girls is probably a good idea for you. Bike clubs, surfing meetups, running groups- ? Oh yeah let me reiterate the positive attitude.

I have my own challenges. I'm not picking on you. Try dating as a 20 yo single mom with a baby. It's all about adapting and putting yourself in situations where you are likely to have success and letting the rejections roll off your shoulders and not dwelling.

[Beachgirl8]

My diet failed, but not because I lost motivation. It failed because I ended up in the hospital at 83 pounds and was forced to gain weight via high-calorie nutritional supplements. There is such a thing as a diet that is too strict.

 

And many diets fail because they are unreasonable and no one could possibly stick to them. People lose motivation on those diets because they are so rigid and require such dramatic change that they become impossible to follow. People should lose motivation under those circumstances. It's like being in prison, living that way. It's possible to lose weight without torturing yourself.

 

 

 

That's easy to say if you've never struggled with your weight. I believe that anyone can lose weight, but some people have to work much harder than others. Some people don't have to do a damn thing because they're genetically blessed and they don't take any medications, so it's effortless to stay thin. Some people have to restrict calories and do high-intensity cardio every day to keep their weight down.

 

You can't tell just by looking at someone how hard they work to stay in shape. My ex-boyfriend never exercised and he had the worst eating habits of anyone I'd ever known. He ate 3,000 calories a day and most of it was high-fat, sugary junk food or fast food. And yet, he was 5'10" and 160 pounds. He had the metabolism of a humming bird. He ate like a fat person, he just wasn't fat. If he ever tried to go on a diet, he wouldn't last 3 days.

 

And then there's my best friend, who is a Pilates instructor. She's always been athletic: gymnastics, figure skating, ballet, soccer, softball, you name it. She loves all sports. But she's never been thin. She's not fat, but she's curvy and extremely muscular. As a teenager, she had to quit ballet because her teacher said her hips and thighs were too big. People might think she needs to lose weight, but she's very fit.

 

You are making the same point as me. Not everyone is lucky enough to have it easy with weight. I am truly empathetic to whatever situation caused you to get yourself down to 83 lbs. That is an unfair struggle and I hope you are dealing with that issue.

 

Some people have to work at it. They can choose to do so. If they choose to sit on the couch and do nothing then they have no basis to complain. Life is not fair. You do the best you can with what you have. Jealousy of others having it easier does nothing but hurt yourself. It doesn't hurt them. They still have it easy and don't understand the animosity.

 

Weight is a serious struggle for many people. I am not suggesting in any way, shape or form that there is an easy solution. But often, there is a logical solution that the individual doesn't want to own up to.

[somedude81]

That's easy to say if you've never struggled with your weight. I believe that anyone can lose weight, but some people have to work much harder than others. Some people don't have to do a damn thing because they're genetically blessed and they don't take any medications, so it's effortless to stay thin. Some people have to restrict calories and do high-intensity cardio every day to keep their weight down.

Yes I've never struggled with my weight. That doesn't mean I don't try to watch what I eat or work out.

 

I've heard that it can be harder for women to control their weight but I've never really known somebody close enough to talk about that stuff.

30, negative attitude, height challenged and aversion to not- skinny girls. That's a tough situation.

I don't have a negative attitude in person. Online is where I come to bitch and moan.

 

But I'm not a womanizer either. I've never had any success with girls so I don't know how to really talk to them in a way that makes them want anything more than friendship with me.

Definitely don't online date, that's a waste of time for shorter guys.

I don't. I've seen too many profiles of women who've listed that the guy has a minimum height of 5'10.

but any interest where you can develop yourself AND meet girls is probably a good idea for you. Bike clubs, surfing meetups, running groups

I've actually met several girls in surfing class, dance classes, anime and Japan social clubs and Japanese class.

 

But none of them ever want to date me. I've been social enough to make friends, but never anything more

[D-Lish]

Saying that obesity is in your genes doesn't cut it- sorry.

 

I am adopted, and I met my biological mother when I was 25. She is a fat woman, I am not. I am the total opposite- skinny as a stick.

 

I watch what I eat and I count my calories and look after myself.

 

I am also on AD's, but researched before hand and found that Wellbutrin has very little side effects- I actually lost more weight.

 

Stop making excuses- when you accept that you actually have control over your body, what you put in it, how you treat it- life will feel different, and your body will be different.

 

Eating badly is a choice- not a condition. I think it's a learned behaviour and an excuse to say that obesity runs in your family. Eating badly is a learned experience, not a genetic disorder. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you can get healthy....Because you know there is a choice involved in all of this. You might have a pre-disposition, but there is always a choice.

 

Are you going to put a donut into your mouth, or are you going to make a better choice.... I choose the better choice, because I am my own person and "genes" don't dictate behaviour, there may be some influence, but my lifestyle growing up taught me to be healthy growing up with my adoptive parents.

 

When it comes to dating, yes, you should expect to attract others that are following a similar lifestyle.

[Beachgirl8]

Yes I've never struggled with my weight. That doesn't mean I don't try to watch what I eat or work out.

 

I've heard that it can be harder for women to control their weight but I've never really known somebody close enough to talk about that stuff.

 

Women have a higher percentage of fat on their bodies naturally which makes it exponentially more difficult for them to lose weight than men.

 

 

I've actually met several girls in surfing class, dance classes, anime and Japan social clubs and Japanese class.

 

But none of them ever want to date me. I've been social enough to make friends, but never anything more

 

What kind of dance class? That seems like the best option. Surfing and anime probably attract a higher % of men therefore decreasing your odds with whatever women are there.

[somedude81]

I've taken a few semesters of salsa and social (swing, waltz, tango etc) classes. The ratio was always about 3-1, women to men. I'm going to be taking hip hop this semester and more advanced social dance class.

 

The surfing and anime things were about 50\50.

 

As I said earlier, I've never had a problem actually meeting or getting to know women. They just didn't want to go out with me.

 

Heck, the university I go to is 60% women.

[Beachgirl8]

Hmmm...well then you shouldn't have a problem. The height thing and your attitude are your only limitations. You cant do a damn thing about your height, which automatically eliminates you from the pool of desirable dating candidates for about 70% of women. I'd guess that of the remaining 30% who would date someone of your height, YOU eliminate 90% for being "overweight" (Still not picking on you)

 

That leaves about 7% of the single women in your age range (20-35?) that would date you that YOU would date. Thats a low %. Which means you have to try harder to be unique, interesting, intelligent, and funny. Emphasis on unique. Have a GREAT attitude. Befriend EVERYONE. Be fun, spontaneous, and interesting. The bodybuilding thing worked for my friend. Maybe try that? You seem into health. I dont have enough posts yet but when I do PM me and I'll show you exactly what I'm talking about on FB.

[somedude81]

Hmmm...well then you shouldn't have a problem. The height thing and your attitude are your only limitations. You cant do a damn thing about your height, which automatically eliminates you from the pool of desirable dating candidates for about 70% of women. I'd guess that of the remaining 30% who would date someone of your height, YOU eliminate 90% for being "overweight" (Still not picking on you)

90% of women are overweight?! Where do you live so I can be sure to never go there.

 

If anything, about 35% of women 20-30 are overweight, at least where I live.

 

But the real killer in your post was saying that 70% of women automatically eliminate me because of my height.

 

That's the most depressing thing I've ever heard. Of course that explains why I've managed to make it to 30 without ever getting a girlfriend.

 

At least if I was normal height but fat like the OP I could lose the weight and become attractive women. But like you said, there isn't a damn thing I can do about my height.

That leaves about 7% of the single women in your age range (20-35?) that would date you that YOU would date. Thats a low %. Which means you have to try harder to be unique, interesting, intelligent, and funny. Emphasis on unique. Have a GREAT attitude. Befriend EVERYONE. Be fun, spontaneous, and interesting. The bodybuilding thing worked for my friend. Maybe try that? You seem into health. I dont have enough posts yet but when I do PM me and I'll show you exactly what I'm talking about on FB.

How am I supposed to have a great attitude when I've only known sadness, pain and depression?

 

I don't know how to be unique.

[OnyxSnowfall]

I like how the OP mentions having been suicidal in the past and having issues with anxiety and... the fixation is on still his "WEIGHT"... as if it is what caused those things (despite him stating that he was formerly skinny while having anxiety etc)... or something.

 

OP - Mental health seems to be the most important thing right now... and if "losing" weight will help your frame of mind, then yes it would be a good idea to work harder on doing that. I wish I could help you otherwise, but all I can suggest is looking into holistic alternatives to your medications (at least in addition to them) and perhaps finding professional emotional support (if you don't have that already).

 

(also, I bet if you had less stress in your life, some of your weight would naturally come off).

 

While being unable to find women to date may lower your self-esteem, I don't think women are the solution. They may temporarily give you a "high", but relationships can be tough and take work and drain energy etc... they have their own set of challenges.

 

I am still a bit baffled as to how the focus is about the weight though... it's amazing what people prioritize and value... and yet so many people wonder why life is so miserable sigh.

[Cypress25]

You cant do a damn thing about your height, which automatically eliminates you from the pool of desirable dating candidates for about 70% of women.

 

That's crap. She pulled 70% out of her ass, that's not a real statistic. Don't believe everything you read on the Internet, especially when it's someone making up numbers. At 5'6" you're on the short side, but you're not a dwarf. I know plenty of short guys who have no trouble getting attractive girls.

[USMCHokie]

Hmmm...well then you shouldn't have a problem. The height thing and your attitude are your only limitations. You cant do a damn thing about your height, which automatically eliminates you from the pool of desirable dating candidates for about 70% of women. I'd guess that of the remaining 30% who would date someone of your height, YOU eliminate 90% for being "overweight" (Still not picking on you)

 

This is truly unfortunate...but I'm certain that this percentage decreases dramatically as those women get older and realize they aren't all that they thought they were, and the guys who were once too short for them are even in short supply...

 

It's simply the universe balancing itself out...

[Cypress25]

I like how the OP mentions having been suicidal in the past and having issues with anxiety and... the fixation is on still his "WEIGHT"... as if it is what caused those things (despite him stating that he was formerly skinny while having anxiety etc)... or something.

 

I think the OP meant that he has to be on medication to manage his depression and anxiety, and the medication has contributed to his weight gain. Holistic alternatives are great, but there are some mental illnesses that require medication. There's no getting around it, unfortunately. They do make weight loss more difficult, but hopefully not impossible.

[Beachgirl8]

90% of women are overweight?! Where do you live so I can be sure to never go there.

 

If anything, about 35% of women 20-30 are overweight, at least where I live.

 

But the real killer in your post was saying that 70% of women automatically eliminate me because of my height.

 

That's the most depressing thing I've ever heard. Of course that explains why I've managed to make it to 30 without ever getting a girlfriend.

 

At least if I was normal height but fat like the OP I could lose the weight and become attractive women. But like you said, there isn't a damn thing I can do about my height.

 

How am I supposed to have a great attitude when I've only known sadness, pain and depression?

 

I don't know how to be unique.

 

Don't get mad. I was making up those statistics, but my point was you have to accept that a low % of women will want to date you because of your height. That is not a judgement against you or an assault on you. Its a fact. I can relate because I got knocked up at 18 and had a baby. So even though I am "physically attractive", smart, blah blah blah, that particular fact eliminated about 90% of the guys that would have dated me if I HADN'T had a child so young. I don't belong in a social circle where that type of thing is acceptable. Therefore- I was labeled a "freak" for making a decision to not kill a baby which many of my peers did. It's all very twisted. But the point is, the reason a lot of guys never wanted to get involved with me was NOT FAIR but it was their choice and I had to accept that. I STILL do. Many guys are FREAKED out by the fact that I have a kid who is now in high school when they haven't even thought about getting married yet. I date guys who are YOUR age to 39ish. YOU might dismiss ME for having a kid. It is what it is.

Are you listening to what I'm saying so far and going along with me here? I want to continue and to give you my perspective but I fear you are shutting down and freaking from my direct approach.

[OnyxSnowfall]

I think the OP meant that he has to be on medication to manage his depression and anxiety, and the medication has contributed to his weight gain. Holistic alternatives are great, but there are some mental illnesses that require medication. There's no getting around it, unfortunately. They do make weight loss more difficult, but hopefully not impossible.

 

There are SOME mental illnesses that certainly require medication... but at least in america, pills are also doled out for NORMAL emotional reactions and behavior etc. I cannot judge what his situation is, but it remains that the WEIGHT didn't cause his prior issues... his prior issues could have contributed greatly to his weight and it doesn't seem like they are still solved.

 

His PERCEPTION of himself is really the crucial thing. Yes, it would be best for him to find a way to be comfortable in his own skin --- to build up his self-esteem etc.

[Beachgirl8]

That's crap. She pulled 70% out of her ass, that's not a real statistic. Don't believe everything you read on the Internet, especially when it's someone making up numbers. At 5'6" you're on the short side, but you're not a dwarf. I know plenty of short guys who have no trouble getting attractive girls.

 

I fully admit that I made that % up but it was an educated guess, and the vibe I am getting from somedude is that he needs a confidence boost, someone to really take an interest in his situation, and some practical advice that isn't sugar coated. His targets are also unrealistic- he wants a skiiny hot girl with big boobs. Shall we just tell him height is no big deal and that girl is coming if he just waits long enough?

[somedude81]

Beachgirl, I've struggled with depression for most of my life. My height is the thing I hate most about myself. I'm nearly 30 and never dated.

 

When you said that 70% of women will not date me because of my height, you basically crushed my spirit.

 

I didn't chose to be short. I had no say in the matter. This is something that I was cursed with and am fighting to overcome. Just to make sure things don't work out, I wasn't given the necessary personality that can compensate for my height.

[OnyxSnowfall]

Beachgirl, I've struggled with depression for most of my life. My height is the thing I hate most about myself. I'm nearly 30 and never dated.

 

When you said that 70% of women will not date me because of my height, you basically crushed my spirit.

 

I didn't chose to be short. I had no say in the matter. This is something that I was cursed with and am fighting to overcome. Just to make sure things don't work out, I wasn't given the necessary personality that can compensate for my height.

 

has no girl ever been interested in you? What about the ones you didn't give a chance because "their" own physique perturbed you?

 

It's just some silly shallow little cycle. Although, I play my part too...

 

sadly enough, pretty much the only physical aspect of a man I can't get over is their height lol =(... if they're too short... I just can't get sexually into a guy who is near my height or shorter... biology is just strange. Beh.

Edited August 28, 2011 by OnyxSnowfall