When will I be ready to date again?

[Lilmisus]

If you look at a recent thread, you'll see that I decided to go out on a date with Mr. Coworker two nights ago, and it was amazing.

 

Yesterday, was supposed to be a girls night out with a couple coworkers and I, but it ended up being that we went to another coworker's hurricane party, and Mr. Coworker offered to be the designated driver, and even though he didn't end up being our dd, he did go to the party. Though we both spent a majority of the time socializing with others, we did spend a lot of it, in each others arms, and outside (on the screened in porch) making out...which escalated way farther than I intended to. If we weren't doing that, than him and I both were keeping an eye on my good friend, and trying to make sure she didn't do anything stupid that she'd regret (drink too much, break something, smoke weed...all things she did when our backs were turned, making both of us feel like sh*t for not stopping it ). All in all - great party (I didn't get drunk this time..), and it made me realize how much I really am into him.

 

But...I realized something. The reason that I've been so iffy about dating him, isn't because he's a coworker or a flirt, it's because I'm not ready to date yet. I'm still so f*cked up since my last relationship, that I still get anxious over the idea of getting close to anyone, and allowing them the chance to hurt me. I feel like I could easily fall for Mr. Coworker, and I know he wouldn't do anything to hurt me, but the thought of dating again, leaves me scared and wanting to push him and every other guy away (remember how discouraged I was to go out with Mr. Cute Guy?). Plus, the fact that I'm still fighting my bulimia (haven't had a "slip up" since May, but it's still always on my mind), and I'm still dealing with my trust and depression issues makes me know that it's too soon to get involved with someone again.

 

I told him most of this. I didn't tell him what "issues" I have, but I told him that I have them and that I should seek therapy and work on them before I get involved with anyone again. He told me that he wants to help me through it, and he wants to know everything about me, yata yata, but I know that's not what I need right now. I need to focus on me still, and the thought that I could be missing the chance at being with a great guy over my issues, really, really sucks. Which, btw, I told him that I'd let him know when I'm ready, so we're keeping our distance till I come to him.

 

Am I making the right decision in turning him away? Right now, it doesn't feel like it, since I feel like I'm just hurting myself, but just some reassurance or someone to talk some common sense to me would be appreciated (note: I still haven't told anyone in my life about the issues I have, so it's not like I can go to my best friend crying over this..) When will I know when I'm ready to date, or will I even know?

[bluenightowl]

If you look at a recent thread, you'll see that I decided to go out on a date with Mr. Coworker two nights ago, and it was amazing.

 

Yesterday, was supposed to be a girls night out with a couple coworkers and I, but it ended up being that we went to another coworker's hurricane party, and Mr. Coworker offered to be the designated driver, and even though he didn't end up being our dd, he did go to the party. Though we both spent a majority of the time socializing with others, we did spend a lot of it, in each others arms, and outside (on the screened in porch) making out...which escalated way farther than I intended to. If we weren't doing that, than him and I both were keeping an eye on my good friend, and trying to make sure she didn't do anything stupid that she'd regret (drink too much, break something, smoke weed...all things she did when our backs were turned, making both of us feel like sh*t for not stopping it ). All in all - great party (I didn't get drunk this time..), and it made me realize how much I really am into him.

 

But...I realized something. The reason that I've been so iffy about dating him, isn't because he's a coworker or a flirt, it's because I'm not ready to date yet. I'm still so f*cked up since my last relationship, that I still get anxious over the idea of getting close to anyone, and allowing them the chance to hurt me. I feel like I could easily fall for Mr. Coworker, and I know he wouldn't do anything to hurt me, but the thought of dating again, leaves me scared and wanting to push him and every other guy away (remember how discouraged I was to go out with Mr. Cute Guy?). Plus, the fact that I'm still fighting my bulimia (haven't had a "slip up" since May, but it's still always on my mind), and I'm still dealing with my trust and depression issues makes me know that it's too soon to get involved with someone again.

 

I told him most of this. I didn't tell him what "issues" I have, but I told him that I have them and that I should seek therapy and work on them before I get involved with anyone again. He told me that he wants to help me through it, and he wants to know everything about me, yata yata, but I know that's not what I need right now. I need to focus on me still, and the thought that I could be missing the chance at being with a great guy over my issues, really, really sucks. Which, btw, I told him that I'd let him know when I'm ready, so we're keeping our distance till I come to him.

 

Am I making the right decision in turning him away? Right now, it doesn't feel like it, since I feel like I'm just hurting myself, but just some reassurance or someone to talk some common sense to me would be appreciated (note: I still haven't told anyone in my life about the issues I have, so it's not like I can go to my best friend crying over this..) When will I know when I'm ready to date, or will I even know?

 

I think you are doing exactly the right thing. He's sounds like good person, but it could get confusing if he wants a relationship and you don't at the moment. As well, there is a good chance your issues could end up causing confusion and you hurt each other.

 

I think the idea of taking a break, but maybe keeping in touch from time to time would work out well for you both.

 

When you are ready. That's a tough one and different for everyone. I think you at least need to feel you can trust someone, but more importantly trust yourself to make the right decisions for you. I think this is a great start for you, and you are empowering yourself by taking a decision like this.

 

Good work! Keep it up!

[Beachgirl8]

Aww! Hugs to you. Bulimia is tough. I had a run with anorexia in college and it's just a consuming thing. It takes a long time to get over the anxiety of an eating disorder. Compounded with recovering from an ex... Just take it slow. You are doing all the right things.

If you can't talk to your friends or family about your "issue", I recommend reading stories of healing from the disease... Don't read up on the toxic parts but pay attention to the empowering stories you can find of recovery. If you find reading stories about other bulimics who recovered to be "triggering" or cause you anxiety, read up on stories of recovery from drug addiction or alcoholism. The basic tenets are the same and will inspire you to lead your healthiest life.

And again, take it slow with the new guy... There's no rush.