Accelerated intimacy and the first meeting

[soulm8]

I met a man online 3 weeks ago and we've been talking daily ever since. Our chats last any where between a few hours to as long as 12 hours (on weekends). I've never been able to talk to someone like this before and it's amazing how much we enjoy talking to one another.

 

There was something about him which made me want to "see how it goes" despite my adamant dislike of long distance relationships. I even regularly turn down guys who live only an hour away from me. We just click and based on how well we communicate and connect, there's a very good chance we could make this work.

 

He's coming to meet me next weekend. I'm so excited to actually see him IRL. I know the first meeting can make or break it, so it'll be good to get that behind us. What's worrying me a bit, is that I have already developed an attachment to him because we've been talking so much and getting to know each other. I miss him and always look forward to our next chat despite not having actually met him yet.

 

I'm afraid that if we connect as well as we do online, that I'll get swept away in the moment and I'm scared of what the consequences would be. I know that if we end up getting physical, I'll miss him terribly and our work schedules pretty much restrict our visits to weekends.

 

He's basically coming with the idea (and hope) that I'll allow him to sleep on my couch and I'll take him back to the Ferry the next evening. He also threw it out there that for all he knows we'll just visit in between Ferry sailings and he'll jump back on.

 

Will he be disappointed if we refrain from sex? Will he respect me (more) if we refrain? I feel kinda silly asking, but hopefully others can give me some guidance based on their experience?

[sweetypielovely]

Personally....I see my LDR on certain weekends only.

I can say that I had met mine on line too and we met a few times before we had sex. If this is your first meeting, I wouldnt have sex. I dont see anything wrong with kissing and hugging. I think he will respect you more. I look forward to seeing mine all the time we can and in fact weve only have sex twice in the 3 months weve talked. He has kids so it makes it more difficult to get away alone but we look more forward to the times we have alone.

I wouldnt rush it....Good luck.

Are you sure your comfortable with him staying at your home?

[CarrieT]

Are you sure your comfortable with him staying at your home?

 

That is my question.

 

Have you done a background check on this person? Just saying...

 

Several years ago I talked like you are with someone and was getting ready to meet him. I even had him talk to a trusted girlfriend. We did a background check and discovered he was a wanted felon. He and I did the "here's a picture of my living room" exchange of photos just to share how we live (as well as skype and whatnot). I figured out he was casing my joint to see if I had stuff worth stealing.

 

You know a VOICE ON THE PHONE. You don't know who this person is and there are some crazy, narcissists out there who fabricate amazing stories to get exactly what you are offering.

 

I saw put him up in a hotel and don't let him know where you live yet.

[GrainofSalt]

HIGHLY IMPORTANT! You should not rush things. Dont go in expecting to be swept away and have crazy butteflies fluttering in your belly. You are meeting him for the FIRST TIME so treat everything as the FIRST TIME. Allot of the things from kissing to sex are never usually done on the first day except it is a casual fling. So thread carefully.

 

First spend the time together and towards the end, you can decide where next to take it.

 

As CarrieT mentioned, 3 weeks is a bit too short in my book to initiate a meeting so be carefully that you know the person. (The movie, TRUST sums up what could possible happen) Be really careful.

Edited August 28, 2011 by GrainofSalt

[sweetypielovely]

Meet him away from your house where you feel safe and dont let him stay at your house. I think he would not be comfortable with that anyway this early one with just talk.

[HeavenOrHell]

Have you talked on the phone/skype (heard his voice) and seen him on skype?

 

3 weeks isn't very long at all, it took at least 3-4 months of phone calls and skyping to feel comfortable meeting my partner for the first time and sharing a hotel room, and even then I told my friends where I was and kept in touch with them while I was there as some of them were a bit worried. For a while I said to him I'd book him into a B & B, he sounded disappointed (not cos sex was the highest thing on his agenda, but he did want to hang out and sleep in the same room) but he also understood my caution.

 

Can he stay in a B & B or hotel near to you, or just come for the day if he's close enough?

 

No-one can tell if you should have sex or not, or whether he'll respect you more if you refrain, it's a two way thing, something you only do if you both want it, only you know if it feels like the right thing at the time or not, I wouldn't worry too much about it before meeting him, see if you actually click in that way first.

 

3 weeks would have been too soon for me, but I'm not you, it might be right for you.

 

 

 

I met a man online 3 weeks ago and we've been talking daily ever since. Our chats last any where between a few hours to as long as 12 hours (on weekends). I've never been able to talk to someone like this before and it's amazing how much we enjoy talking to one another.

 

There was something about him which made me want to "see how it goes" despite my adamant dislike of long distance relationships. I even regularly turn down guys who live only an hour away from me. We just click and based on how well we communicate and connect, there's a very good chance we could make this work.

 

He's coming to meet me next weekend. I'm so excited to actually see him IRL. I know the first meeting can make or break it, so it'll be good to get that behind us. What's worrying me a bit, is that I have already developed an attachment to him because we've been talking so much and getting to know each other. I miss him and always look forward to our next chat despite not having actually met him yet.

 

I'm afraid that if we connect as well as we do online, that I'll get swept away in the moment and I'm scared of what the consequences would be. I know that if we end up getting physical, I'll miss him terribly and our work schedules pretty much restrict our visits to weekends.

 

He's basically coming with the idea (and hope) that I'll allow him to sleep on my couch and I'll take him back to the Ferry the next evening. He also threw it out there that for all he knows we'll just visit in between Ferry sailings and he'll jump back on.

 

Will he be disappointed if we refrain from sex? Will he respect me (more) if we refrain? I feel kinda silly asking, but hopefully others can give me some guidance based on their experience?

[soulm8]

Thank you for the replies!

 

I can say that I had met mine on line too and we met a few times before we had sex. He has kids so it makes it more difficult to get away alone but we look more forward to the times we have alone. I wouldnt rush it....Good luck. Are you sure your comfortable with him staying at your home?

 

Meet him away from your house where you feel safe and dont let him stay at your house.

 

Thanks sweetypielovely, that sounds about right... We are meeting away from my home and I will see how I feel.

 

CarrieT, wow. That's a slap of reality eh?

 

You are meeting him for the FIRST TIME so treat everything as the FIRST TIME.

 

You are right GrainofSalt.

 

Have you talked on the phone/skype (heard his voice) and seen him on skype?

 

Can he stay in a B & B or hotel near to you, or just come for the day if he's close enough?

 

HeavenOrHell, Yes, we've video chatted so it kind of feels as if we've already met up a few times. I know it's not the same as in person, but we'll see! There is no pressure on either end... there's ferries running all day and we could very well decide to just call it a day.

 

I'm really hoping to get some male perspectives on this; not that I don't appreciate the ladies chiming in. I wonder how men feel about meeting for the first time.

[GrainofSalt]

I'm really hoping to get some male perspectives on this; not that I don't appreciate the ladies chiming in. I wonder how men feel about meeting for the first time.

 

I'm a guy. -_-

 

I remember when i first met my SO. We had known each other for a year+ and by the time we decided to meet, the lust was just off the charts for both of us. We both knew we were going to get intimate. I personally wanted to have sex but she didnt. My mind was fixated on getting both of us in a room, eventually butt-naked and just messing around.

 

Our big mistake right off the bat was that, 5mins after we met, we got intimate. We kissed for a long time and although it was great, she was so hung up with the fact that she didnt get butterflies. I was almost placed in the friend zone after our meeting.

 

I was really disappointed and it almost made me exit the whole thing. Time eventually made us realise we were suppose to be together. We spent allot more time getting to know ourselves in person and things improved alot from there

 

This is why i advised not to rush things and treat this whole experience like it ought to be, your first time. Do not think because you have had long indepth conversations, shared secrets and lustful thoughts means things will fall in place once you meet.

 

Meeting requires all this process to be re-initiated so control your emotions and just get to know him in person before you jump the wagon.

[soulm8]

I'm a guy. -_-

 

I remember when i first met my SO. We had known each other for a year+ and by the time we decided to meet, the lust was just off the charts for both of us. We both knew we were going to get intimate. I personally wanted to have sex but she didnt. My mind was fixated on getting both of us in a room, eventually butt-naked and just messing around.

 

Our big mistake right off the bat was that, 5mins after we met, we got intimate. We kissed for a long time and although it was great, she was so hung up with the fact that she didnt get butterflies. I was almost placed in the friend zone after our meeting.

 

I was really disappointed and it almost made me exit the whole thing. Time eventually made us realise we were suppose to be together. We spent allot more time getting to know ourselves in person and things improved alot from there

 

This is why i advised not to rush things and treat this whole experience like it ought to be, your first time. Do not think because you have had long indepth conversations, shared secrets and lustful thoughts means things will fall in place once you meet.

 

Meeting requires all this process to be re-initiated so control your emotions and just get to know him in person before you jump the wagon.

 

Oops! I'm sorry GrainOfSalt! Thank you... you've helped more than you know

[soulm8]

Well... that was awesome! He was a perfect gentleman and so sweet. Thank God he's more shy in person than he is online!

 

Now we'll see how this goes and when we'll see one another again

[soulm8]

I'm not sure if a red flag was waved last night or not It certainly felt like one and I'm trying to figure out how to approach it correctly.

 

After speaking daily since we first met online, and continuing to do so after meeting IRL, I wasn't sure what to think by his absence yesterday.

 

We tend to post an offline message to one another daily, as we start our day. Then, we typically chat before calling it a night.

 

I controlled myself and only posted a couple of offline messages to let him know how strange it felt to not talk to him and that I hoped he was ok.

 

He apparently wasn't feeling well and slept ALL day. His offline message to me this morning was apologetic, explaining what happened and that hopefully we could talk today.

 

I've gone out of my way to be transparent with him, even as far as being logged into msn on my phone while out... so as much as I want to believe that he was sleeping and feeling off... it seems odd that he didn't consider me.

[TMichaels]

One word of advice: C-H-I-L-L

 

I think you're overreacting. *If* this becomes a pattern or trend *then* you'll have something worth worrying about...

 

Relationships *aren't* all about you. He's the one that wasn't feeling well and *you're* the one feeling rejected.

 

Give some thought to that...

 

Best,

TMichaels

[D-Lish]

Will he be disappointed if we refrain from sex? Will he respect me (more) if we refrain? I feel kinda silly asking, but hopefully others can give me some guidance based on their experience?

 

YES, YES, YES.

 

Wait as long as possible. I made the mistake of doing this the first time meeting someone that I'd been talking to for 4 months. We spoke nightly over msn with our web cams.

 

He later told me he was a bit disappointed that I gave in on the second day of my trip to see him. Even though you've already established a connection, refrain from the physical aspect of the relationship until you get to know one another IRL for a while.

[soulm8]

*If* this becomes a pattern or trend *then* you'll have something worth worrying about...

 

Relationships *aren't* all about you. He's the one that wasn't feeling well and *you're* the one feeling rejected.

 

Yes, TMichaels, I know it's not all about me. I just wonder why he couldn't give me a head's up. You're right though, I'll drop it.

 

 

Wait as long as possible. I made the mistake of doing this the first time meeting someone that I'd been talking to for 4 months. We spoke nightly over msn with our web cams.

 

He later told me he was a bit disappointed that I gave in on the second day of my trip to see him. Even though you've already established a connection, refrain from the physical aspect of the relationship until you get to know one another IRL for a while.

 

Thanks D-Lish. Four months It's disappointing how men hold us accountable like that.

 

Yes, we're waiting... and he seems ok with that.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I met a man online 3 weeks ago and we've been talking daily ever since. Our chats last any where between a few hours to as long as 12 hours (on weekends). I've never been able to talk to someone like this before and it's amazing how much we enjoy talking to one another.

 

There was something about him which made me want to "see how it goes" despite my adamant dislike of long distance relationships. I even regularly turn down guys who live only an hour away from me. We just click and based on how well we communicate and connect, there's a very good chance we could make this work.

 

He's coming to meet me next weekend. I'm so excited to actually see him IRL. I know the first meeting can make or break it, so it'll be good to get that behind us. What's worrying me a bit, is that I have already developed an attachment to him because we've been talking so much and getting to know each other. I miss him and always look forward to our next chat despite not having actually met him yet.

 

I'm afraid that if we connect as well as we do online, that I'll get swept away in the moment and I'm scared of what the consequences would be. I know that if we end up getting physical, I'll miss him terribly and our work schedules pretty much restrict our visits to weekends.

 

He's basically coming with the idea (and hope) that I'll allow him to sleep on my couch and I'll take him back to the Ferry the next evening. He also threw it out there that for all he knows we'll just visit in between Ferry sailings and he'll jump back on.

 

Will he be disappointed if we refrain from sex? Will he respect me (more) if we refrain? I feel kinda silly asking, but hopefully others can give me some guidance based on their experience?

 

 

 

First of all, any inspiration in the two of you to have sex soon after first real-life encounter would be mostly the result of the comfort you've manufactured with one another to date. In no way should you judge yourself as you might judge friends who meet a guy at a bar and then go home with him that night.

 

First-ever real-life meetings OFTEN feature sexual intimacy and the major inspiration for that is how vulnerable and open people allow themselves to feel when communicating online and within reach of that protective "off" button.

 

A unique brand of 'intimacy' results from that interaction and considerable vulnerability is offered and felt on both sides. Those are precisely the conditions under which sex between two people can seem logical and 'normal'.

 

 

Consider if you will the plight of some married couples who are around each other every evening and who evolve to be challenged when trying to communicate fully on sensitive subjects. Couples often 'paint themselves into a corner' communication-wise and eventually one feels the effects of that moreso than the other.

 

(it is often the latter who seeks some sort of human contact via the computer in the den, and that person is caused to be at a point where he/she yearns for the chance to just spell-out his/her thoughts completely and have somebody listen to them) (that summarizes why so many marriages fall victim to online-begun relationships)

 

Now we both know that IF person A could communicate that comfortably with the phantom of the internet, he/she is perfectly capable of having done so with his/her spouse.

 

The married part doesn't apply to you as an individual, but remind yourself how relieved the person struggling in his/her marriage must be upon finding this avenue down which he/she can communicate so fully. You have been experiencing some of that too... (you have "never been able to talk to someone like this before"...)

 

Mostly you gave that opportunity to yourself, but it took someone else perfectly willing to reciprocate both in letting you speak your mind, and in wanting to speak his mind thoroughly as well. What you're each building is trust that the other genuinely wishes to be there building something even better, as implied. (that, not by coincidence, is the backbone of sexual relations as well)

 

With those significant factors working behind the scenes, you go right ahead and act upon any impulses you share about physical intimacy.

 

Assuming you won't let yourself get drunky-wunky when making the decisions about physical intimacy... beyond that, I'm sure he will most appreciate your truly in-ter-act-ing with him on the topic of deciding whether to engage in something sexual.

[soulm8]

First of all, any inspiration in the two of you to have sex soon after first real-life encounter would be mostly the result of the comfort you've manufactured with one another to date. In no way should you judge yourself as you might judge friends who meet a guy at a bar and then go home with him that night.

 

First-ever real-life meetings OFTEN feature sexual intimacy and the major inspiration for that is how vulnerable and open people allow themselves to feel when communicating online and within reach of that protective "off" button.

 

A unique brand of 'intimacy' results from that interaction and considerable vulnerability is offered and felt on both sides. Those are precisely the conditions under which sex between two people can seem logical and 'normal'.

 

Mostly you gave that opportunity to yourself, but it took someone else perfectly willing to reciprocate both in letting you speak your mind, and in wanting to speak his mind thoroughly as well. What you're each building is trust that the other genuinely wishes to be there building something even better, as implied. (that, not by coincidence, is the backbone of sexual relations as well)

 

With those significant factors working behind the scenes, you go right ahead and act upon any impulses you share about physical intimacy.

 

Assuming you won't let yourself get drunky-wunky when making the decisions about physical intimacy... beyond that, I'm sure he will most appreciate your truly in-ter-act-ing with him on the topic of deciding whether to engage in something sexual.

 

Thanks SincereOnlineGuy. I especially agree with your points that I've bolded. I'm divorced, and I was the one to end the marriage, after years of trying to have the reciprocal, intimate connection which I seek. I do understand what you're saying.

 

So, it's been 5 weeks since we met; 1 week since meeting IRL. Before saying goodbye, we discussed plans to meet up again and I was taken aback that we'd have to wait for a month. He explained his taking on a project at work that interferes with his regular routine for a few more weeks, and that he feels his bachelor pad is such a "man cave" compared to my home. He'd rather come here than me go there, which is fine, but I'd like to visit him some time in the future. He proposed 3 weekend visits between now and November.

 

I did my best to "drop it" last night, as I said I would in my previous post. It's become rather obvious to me that I'm still healing from my last relationship, as it's not as easy as it used to be to just give the benefit of the doubt and keep an optimistic pov.

 

Not hearing from him on Saturday, triggered feelings of insecurity. Of course, it didn't help at all that I'd asked for his thoughts in an offline (good morning) message, on my thinking of updating my FB relationship status from single. (I know I'm retarded!) First of all, I thought it would be interesting to discuss and to confirm how things were going. I simply stated, "I'm thinking of changing my FB status because I don't feel "single" - what do you think?" I didn't expect to not hear from him. I felt rejected all day and night.

 

In his offline message he sent which explained his not feeling well and having slept all day, he jokingly asked, "What would you change it to? In a relationship or It's complicated lol?

 

The subject didn't come up yesterday, so I asked him if I should assume he's keeping his options open and if my "single" question was premature. He explained that he's single but not looking because he's "seeing how things go" with me. He added that "we're pursuing a relationship (exclusively as we do)".

 

Right now, I feel a bit manipulated. Upon discovering that we are both sick of the dating games people play, and how monogamous we are, he updated his dating profile (within days of "meeting" me) to reflect that he was taking a break and focusing on me. I was somewhat hesitant, as we hadn't even met IRL yet and we'd be signing up for an LDR, but I felt compelled to follow his lead and trust him.

 

Before going to bed last night, I updated my FB to hide my relationship status and I'm no longer displaying that I'm "interested in men". I will not bring this up again, as that ball's in his court and he knows that I reserve sex for exclusive relationships.

 

Now, I feel this incredible need to detach emotionally. It's just FB, but I can't shake this rejected feeling.

Edited September 12, 2011 by soulm8

[GaHeartbroken]

As others have said already, please go slow with intimacy in person. My last LDR we had talked for about 10 weeks before meeting, and we assumed it was just a continuation, but really it is not, sure you know about the person, but the physical togetherness and real world changes things. Some times a fantasy is placed on each other before meeting in person. You still need to build that relationship in person based on the real world - that takes time and work. Also, try not to overeact to little things - like when he was sick and you two did not talk. Please try to not become clingy or needy or dependent, those can make a relationship slow so quickly. A little time off from talking some times is good to make the heart grow fonder and refresh things. Try to keep busy staying the person you were and even improving yourself from when you two first started to talk, and also staying your own individual person - it will help keep things exciting and keep the other person interested over the long-term.

 

Please be patient, take things slow, work hard, and hopefully it will be a success! Good luck to you two!

[soulm8]

As others have said already, please go slow with intimacy in person. My last LDR we had talked for about 10 weeks before meeting, and we assumed it was just a continuation, but really it is not, sure you know about the person, but the physical togetherness and real world changes things. Some times a fantasy is placed on each other before meeting in person. You still need to build that relationship in person based on the real world - that takes time and work. Also, try not to overeact to little things - like when he was sick and you two did not talk. Please try to not become clingy or needy or dependent, those can make a relationship slow so quickly. A little time off from talking some times is good to make the heart grow fonder and refresh things. Try to keep busy staying the person you were and even improving yourself from when you two first started to talk, and also staying your own individual person - it will help keep things exciting and keep the other person interested over the long-term.

 

Please be patient, take things slow, work hard, and hopefully it will be a success! Good luck to you two!

 

Thank you GaHeartbroken. Sound advice

[soulm8]

For the past few days, I've been ready to basically give up on this LDR. I'm just not sure how to appropriately end it.

 

This guy insisted on getting to know each other, exclusively. I figured he was either serious (like me) or insecure. I agreed because I thought and hoped we were compatible and it was worth a shot.

 

We got along really well, and seemed to connect emotionally and intellectually. I wasn't overly physically attracted to him but I thought that may change with time. I was also hoping that he'd take more of a lead and court me, but it's just not happening.

 

I've come to the conclusion that I want to resume dating others because I don't think we're a good fit (any more).

 

The thing is, it's not a typical "breakup" since he's been so adamant that we're not official, "we're pursuing/building a relationship." So, since we've really only been dating, what is the best way for me to make it clear to him that it's time to move on?

 

I can't just disappear (not my style).

We're FB friends

I deleted my online dating profile

We speak DAILY for at least an hour

 

Please help me! Is this ok? ...

 

I've noticed we seem to be pushing each others' buttons a lot lately and I'm not sure why. I'm going to resume dating (soon) because this relationship isn't working for me.

[soulm8]

I don't owe him anything do I? If we've just been dating, it's more than reasonable for me to simply let him know I'm resuming dating, right?

 

What's wrong with me?? I sound like a kid.

[soulm8]

Well, we mutally broke up and then made up the next day. We'd been butting heads all week over a misunderstanding and neither of us wanted the drama to continue.

 

We got to the bottom of it and both want to make this work.

 

It also turns out that the whole (fear of) relationship on his part, was FB specific. I can handle that.

[soulm8]

I ended it.

 

It just became overwhelmingly evident that his insecurity and lack of confidence would never improve. I realized a few days ago that unless I was kissing his butt, he thinks very little of himself.

 

Despite our intellectual connection and desire to be exclusive, I simply couldn't get through to him properly. Any time I tried to explain anything to do with my needs/desires, he would get defensive and refer to himself as a disappointment and misunderstand me.

 

I couldn't continue and tried to explain why so we both could move on with closure and understanding. His attitude became such an incredible turn off, I had to go NC.

 

I hope he learned 'some'thing because his relationship skills and expectations seem to point towards a desire to find a Mommy instead of a partner.

 

Now, I have the task of figuring out how the hell I contributed to this.