FrustratedStandards Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 Ok. So I sat him down and we had a chat. I told him it was very wrong for him to lie to me, and regardless of how I feel for him, kids are still a dealbreaker. I told him that even though I understand his intention was to get me to look past that, I asked him upfront because I know myself and I know I never could. He got upset and explained that this child was an accident. He was never married, and the condom broke. He didn't want to keep the child but the woman refused to have an abortion so she kept it. He takes responsibility and sees his kid a couple times a week, but I explained that even though he was trying to make the best of it, it was still a dealbreaker. Now I feel guilty. I mean, he could be lying about the whole "accident", but I believe him. And if his story is true, I feel worse because I am leaving him for something that was never really under his control. They used a condom, it broke a few times, and one of those times she got pregnant. Can I really blame him? Its true that if he told me upfront I would have never started dating him. And after I did, I realized I really like him. Ugh! I'm in a dilemma now. What do you think?
Chinook Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 Take it from me, kids were a deal breaker for me too. But I DID look past it and I sincerely wish I had not. I sincerely wish I could go back to where you are now because you will always intentionally or unintentionally come second in his life. The child may have been an accident and he may only see her a couple of times a week, but the fact is he is a father and as such has huge responsibilities and if this is a deal breaker for you, it will not be easy. I would not backtrack on what you said to him, there are other guys out there without children who will love you and care for you just as much. Also, he lied to you - that's no way to start out in the beginnings of a relatively new relationship. Sorry.
sm1tten Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 How long was he sleeping with this woman that the condom broke a "few" times and no one thought, hm, better get on some birth control pills or something? Look, I can sympathise with not wanting to have a child and still having to step up and be a parent. But there are still two major things wrong here. One - he LIED to you for four months. During the period in which the relationship is being built, yours was being based on a falsehood that he intentionally kept from you in order to keep you around. Two- you said that kids were a dealbreaker. Maybe they aren't. What exactly are your reasons for not wanting to date a man who has children? You need to really examine, beyond your feelings for him, whether you are comfortable with this situation and be aware of exactly what you are getting into before you make a decision. I get that you like the guy, but he's got two massive undesirables working against him right now.
Easyguy14 Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 Ok. So I sat him down and we had a chat. I told him it was very wrong for him to lie to me, and regardless of how I feel for him, kids are still a dealbreaker. I told him that even though I understand his intention was to get me to look past that, I asked him upfront because I know myself and I know I never could. He got upset and explained that this child was an accident. He was never married, and the condom broke. He didn't want to keep the child but the woman refused to have an abortion so she kept it. He takes responsibility and sees his kid a couple times a week, but I explained that even though he was trying to make the best of it, it was still a dealbreaker. Now I feel guilty. I mean, he could be lying about the whole "accident", but I believe him. And if his story is true, I feel worse because I am leaving him for something that was never really under his control. They used a condom, it broke a few times, and one of those times she got pregnant. Can I really blame him? Its true that if he told me upfront I would have never started dating him. And after I did, I realized I really like him. Ugh! I'm in a dilemma now. What do you think? why is having a kid such a deal-breaker? always thought men acted this way about women having children but guess the tides are turning.
Chinook Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 why is having a kid such a deal-breaker? always thought men acted this way about women having children but guess the tides are turning. I think it's because you tend to catch a raw deal on behalf of the kid. It's very rare that all of the adults get along well (not unheard of) and you can tend to catch a bit of antagonism of the birth mother as she feels the father leaves her and the child behind when he moves on. It's very sad and as the step-parent you can end up being in the position of having to take responsibility when the kids are with your partner and you (some take more responsibility than others) but the step parent is also the one adult who doesn't command respect or accountability and who can be blatantly ignored, sidelined, disrespected etc. Like I said, it's a hard road to go down and a lot of girls these days know that - they know the bad press that mixed families get and I have to say, if you already know your limitations, that's a good thing and something you shouldn't question because it will come back to bite you in the a$$ later.
Author FrustratedStandards Posted August 27, 2011 Author Posted August 27, 2011 What exactly are your reasons for not wanting to date a man who has children? You need to really examine, beyond your feelings for him, whether you are comfortable with this situation and be aware of exactly what you are getting into before you make a decision. I get that you like the guy, but he's got two massive undesirables working against him right now. If I ever decide to start a family, I want it to be me, my husband and OUR kids. I don't want him leaving every other weekend to see another womans child. I feel that it breaks the family somewhat, and that my own children would feel left out. Should our whole family decide to go on vacation, for example, and something happens with his son, HE has to fly all the way back, or spend OUR vacation time worrying about his other kid. I don't want outside influences or distractions. I want his 100% effort to go to OUR family and not 50% and 50% there. On top of that, I'm in my early twenties. I don't want to spend weekends going to chucky cheese or refraining from kissing my boyfriend because his son might be uncomfortable with it. I'm young and supposed to have fun, not deal with family issues and baby-mama drama.
Chinook Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 I think if you already know these things, you shouldn't be condemned for knowing what you can and cannot deal with. I was 39 when I started out and it was damn hard for me. Like I said, if I could go back and change it I would and my H knows this, I have told him so.
Neith Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 If I ever decide to start a family, I want it to be me, my husband and OUR kids. I don't want him leaving every other weekend to see another womans child. I feel that it breaks the family somewhat, and that my own children would feel left out. Should our whole family decide to go on vacation, for example, and something happens with his son, HE has to fly all the way back, or spend OUR vacation time worrying about his other kid. I don't want outside influences or distractions. I want his 100% effort to go to OUR family and not 50% and 50% there. On top of that, I'm in my early twenties. I don't want to spend weekends going to chucky cheese or refraining from kissing my boyfriend because his son might be uncomfortable with it. I'm young and supposed to have fun, not deal with family issues and baby-mama drama. Then tell him it's completely over & move on.
Author FrustratedStandards Posted August 27, 2011 Author Posted August 27, 2011 Then tell him it's completely over & move on. I did, we aren't together anymore. I guess i'm just so disappointed. He was the first person my parents ever approved of. They were disappointed too when they found out. Ugh. I always feel like i'm going to settle for someone.
make me believe Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 Who cares whether the kid was an accident or not? The point is that he LIED to you for four months about something that he KNEW was a dealbreaker for you in order to manipulate you into being with him. What does this tell you about his character? What kind of a person does one have to be to do something like that??
eerie_reverie Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 I am more disturbed that he talked about his kid as an accident that he wishes had been an abortion.
Star Gazer Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 I am more disturbed that he talked about his kid as an accident that he wishes had been an abortion. This, ABSOLUTELY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My gawd!
denise_xo Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 Who cares whether the kid was an accident or not? The point is that he LIED to you for four months about something that he KNEW was a dealbreaker for you in order to manipulate you into being with him. What does this tell you about his character? What kind of a person does one have to be to do something like that?? I am more disturbed that he talked about his kid as an accident that he wishes had been an abortion. Agree with both of these. I'm really unimpressed with his part of that conversation. I definitely vote you move on.
Citizen Erased Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 This, ABSOLUTELY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My gawd! Yep, gotta agree with these two. How very nice of him to tolerate his kid being around twice a week, as the burden he never wanted. Ugh. I'd feel the exact same as you did OP and I think you did the right thing. I've been in the broken family situation and unfortunately my mother didn't feel the same as everyone else seems to, to put their child first. I would never want my children to have some other woman's kid take away their fathers attention and I also wouldn't want to be responsible for that kid to not have the love and attention they deserve from their father.
AHardDaysNight Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 Any man that would describe his kid as an accident is not worth being with.
torn_curtain Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 His attitude about his kid stinks even more than his lying. You made the right choice. Don't ever look back.
sm1tten Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 I must be a giant, cold-hearted bitch because I don't really have an issue with him describing his child as an accident or wishing that it had been aborted. It doesn't mean that he doesn't love his child. Although the fact that he was so manipulative in denying the kid's existence kind of makes me wonder how emotionally connected to the child he is. I'm not sure how much that would matter to me, though. I'm so glad that I'm the one who decides whether I want a child or not.
FitChick Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 Can he sign away all rights to the child and not have to pay child support so the mother can be free to marry and her new husband become the legal father? If not, maybe go with him to have a vasectomy so there won't be any more "accidents."
KR10N Posted August 28, 2011 Posted August 28, 2011 How is getting pregnant, for anyone, out of their control? Because we all know there are things people can do to not get pregnant; abstinence being 100% effective. I still don't see how having this kid was beyond his (or her) control. They had sex. Contraceptives fail. People get pregnant. Plain & simple. As for the kid being an accident, that was wrong of him to say. I believe the politically correct term for that is unplanned parenthood & unplanned child, whatever floats your boat. Of course, if he really didn't want his own child he could have just left.
KR10N Posted August 28, 2011 Posted August 28, 2011 Wow, I had no idea that being a second priority was such a bad thing. I would never expect a guy to treat me as his one & only priority.
CarrieT Posted August 28, 2011 Posted August 28, 2011 I'm proud of you. I know it wasn't an easy decision and there is no shame or guilt in your decision. You are holding true to your convictions and for that, you should be proud of yourself.
Art_Critic Posted August 28, 2011 Posted August 28, 2011 What do you think? Okay.. stay with me here... You believe a man that lied to you about his kid.. What makes you think he is telling the truth about his kid now ? Who can refute it.. nobody.. He is lying.... and he blamed the birth on his ex.. he didn't take one ounce of responsibility for the birth of his own kid... What a POS... Don't feel guilty about dumping him because what you are doing is saving yourself future heartbreak...
Art_Critic Posted August 28, 2011 Posted August 28, 2011 It doesn't mean that he doesn't love his child. Yes it does... or close to it anyhow.. maybe he loves his child but doesn't respect the child. While any person can think those things if they happened to you nobody would repeat your thoughts to someone you are trying to date.. They guy openly said it to her.. trying to win he over on how much he hates kids.... my god.. The guy is a POS.. I wouldn't want to be his kid...
madjac74 Posted August 28, 2011 Posted August 28, 2011 I must be a giant, cold-hearted bitch because I don't really have an issue with him describing his child as an accident or wishing that it had been aborted. It doesn't mean that he doesn't love his child. Yes you are. Anyone who loves a child would not wish it had been aborted. That might be the top 10 stupidest things I've ever heard. I'm so glad that I'm the one who decides whether I want a child or not. Don't!
BetheButterfly Posted August 28, 2011 Posted August 28, 2011 (edited) Ok. So I sat him down and we had a chat. I told him it was very wrong for him to lie to me, and regardless of how I feel for him, kids are still a dealbreaker. I told him that even though I understand his intention was to get me to look past that, I asked him upfront because I know myself and I know I never could. Good for you He got upset and explained that this child was an accident. He was never married, and the condom broke. He didn't want to keep the child but the woman refused to have an abortion so she kept it. He takes responsibility and sees his kid a couple times a week, but I explained that even though he was trying to make the best of it, it was still a dealbreaker.A child is not an "it." A child is a human being, not a thing. I hate it when people call a child "it" and act like they're diseases or a horrible thing. Children are wonderful little human beings!!! Every adult was a child once!!! (and some still act like children!!!) Now I feel guilty. I mean, he could be lying about the whole "accident", but I believe him. And if his story is true, I feel worse because I am leaving him for something that was never really under his control. They used a condom, it broke a few times, and one of those times she got pregnant. Can I really blame him?Why in the world do you feel guilty that he had sex and got a girl pregnant? That's not your fault. That's his. People think sex is just a recreational activity sometimes when it's not just that, and then they get mad when sex does what the act naturally does ... reproduce. People can be downright weird and try to fight against nature. Without nature, we wouldn't be here!!! Its true that if he told me upfront I would have never started dating him. And after I did, I realized I really like him. Ugh! I'm in a dilemma now. What do you think?I think he lied to you. Did he apologize for lying to you? I also think he is a very sad person to not love his child and to not be proud of his child and show you that his child is important. Does he act like a father, or does he act like his child is an "it" and wants to dispose of "it"? I think he needs counseling... sad to say, so many children suffer because their Dads (and/or Moms) are not loving parents... what's the world coming to? People who are mature enough to have sex should also be mature enough to love their offspring and not want them dead either during womb time or after birth. If a person doesn't want kids, they should get "fixed." If a person does eventually want children, they should realize that sex is an awesome activity that includes the importance of being responsible, and using preventive means, though they should also understand that preventive means do not always work, and should be willing to welcome the little person with their DNA if Mother Nature gets her way. It's in Nature to reproduce... Edited August 28, 2011 by BetheButterfly
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