cowboysmavs Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 I was seeing this girl for about 6-7 months. We started out weird because she was off and on with a boyfriend when we first met. Well she ended it with him and immediately jumped into my arms. It was a very passionate relationship from the start. We talked/texted constantly, hung out 3-4 nights a week and even spent whole weekends away. She was the one who initiated the love talk and exclusivity. Everything seemed to be going great until recently she started to get real standoff-ish on the phone. Then one day she tells me the dreaded line "I don't have time for a relationship. . . I'm stressed enough." Granted she was starting her first real job as a teacher in two weeks but stress wasn't a problem when she was finishing her school. I also understood that she never really got to be single and wanted to date around. I tried to get her to admit to me that her feelings weren't the same and that we could just be friends but she never would(FRUSTRATING). I'm a pretty strong guy and would have been perfectly fine. I wouldn't have tried to get back etc. It was the ambiguousness that drove me crazy! All I wanted her to do is tell me in plain English. But instead her answer to my question was "I will always feel something for you". WTH!?!? Well I stopped contacting her unless she texted me first and it sucks that she doesn't even want friendly conversation. I don't open myself up to many people and lost someone I could talk to about anything. Why can't people just be straight up and tell it like it is? Now I'm all screwed up in the head over this girl and wondering if she will ever want me again. Have you women ever really been too stressed for a relationship. . Probably not.
Nohbody Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 She may have been using you to get over her last beau. When she was finally over it, she didn't need you anymore. One quick analysis. Best advice I can give is go 'no contact', here's a quick guide to what that entails: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t81399/
Beachgirl8 Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 She didn't take any time to reflect and heal from the breakup with her ex and used the excitement of the new relationship with you to avoid dealing with it. At 6 months or so the newness and excitement wears off and it starts to become a "real" relationship. I don't think she's lying to you, I think she's doing what she should have done in the first place before getting involved with you. Either that or she's found another new guy to get excited about and continuing the cycle. Either way you got caught in the crossfire.
Author cowboysmavs Posted August 27, 2011 Author Posted August 27, 2011 She didn't take any time to reflect and heal from the breakup with her ex and used the excitement of the new relationship with you to avoid dealing with it. At 6 months or so the newness and excitement wears off and it starts to become a "real" relationship. I don't think she's lying to you, I think she's doing what she should have done in the first place before getting involved with you. Either that or she's found another new guy to get excited about and continuing the cycle. Either way you got caught in the crossfire. I could see it being both of those or a combo. Either decideding the grass isn't greener or dating someone else. I just hate not knowing you know what I mean. I'm a VERY straight-forward person. If she could just freaking tell me lol I could get over it pretty quickly. I seriously would be fine being friends and would never bring any of that stuff up again. Instead, I'm caught in no mans land. . . WONDERING what is going on in her head. And now she avoids me like the plague. Life was so much easier when I was younger(18-22) and never dreamed of a relationship. Just played the field. I try to be honest, nice, sincere, caring and keep getting BURNED.
Beachgirl8 Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 Here's an analogy that helped me awhile back- If you wrecked your car you would take it to a body shop for an estimate. The mechanic would give you a detailed list of all the parts that need fixing. Then he would fix it and you could drive your car again. If you got in a wreck and TOTALLED your car, they would take it to the junkyard. There would be no need to find out what exact parts were damaged on the car. It's done. Time to get a new car. If it was a bad wreck you might be in the hospital for awhile and have to deal with the insurance and blah blah before you can get a new car. But wondering about the old car won't help at all. Drive safer next time. Basically, any relationship is going to need fixing once in awhile. Fender bender. But when someone breaks up with you and it's really OVER (totaled!) the actual reasons don't matter as much as accepting that it's over and taking the necessary steps to move on. You will never know exactly what's going on in her mind now. It's super frustrating, but the quicker you learn to let that "need to know" go, the faster you will heal.
M2155 Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 Totally agree with Beachgirl8. If I think back, my ex started putting on the distance around that point and then too many months later he left me with no real explination whatsoever. I found out he jumped right into a relationship with his ex and experiencing renewed rush and excitement. It hurts and there is nothing you can actively do to change their mind. Either she had some unfinished business healing from her last relationship or just not ready for anything serious. It probably sounds pretty stupid to say "you know, I really miss the rush and excitement so I think I'm going to look for it in someone else." While we might say we would have rather had that than what we got, it probably would have sounded like WTF? as well.
weeble78 Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 I could see it being both of those or a combo. Either decideding the grass isn't greener or dating someone else. I just hate not knowing you know what I mean. I'm a VERY straight-forward person. If she could just freaking tell me lol I could get over it pretty quickly. I seriously would be fine being friends and would never bring any of that stuff up again. Instead, I'm caught in no mans land. . . WONDERING what is going on in her head. And now she avoids me like the plague. Life was so much easier when I was younger(18-22) and never dreamed of a relationship. Just played the field. I try to be honest, nice, sincere, caring and keep getting BURNED. Hey. Ok so now I'm going to go with the 'actions speak louder than words'. Any person who is confused about what they're thinking/doing, uses ambiguity to their advantage. I was stuck in a 7 year relationship with my exBF telling me for the last 6 months he still loved me, wanted to marry me blah blah but doing some pretty horrible things. I blithely believed him, to my own detriment. He told my dad later on that he didn't love me the last two years we were together, it was just 'convenient'. Ergo, I learned the above 'actions...'. I've learnt (and am trying to apply the same to my current rel) to ignore what's said, and pay attention to actions. People betray their feelings by what they do for you, how much they want to see you, how much attention they pay to what you say etc. You're the person who needs to decide the standard for yourself, and if you're not getting it, cut out wondering why - say 'this isn't good enough' and start treating yourself the way you want to be treated. And remember, nobody can string you along - only you can allow somebody to treat you that way. You have to set the level of what's good enough for you to give yourself to a relationship. You're an amazing person! You're not just going to give it away! Don't wait for someone elses actions to let you decide how you want your life to be.
Author cowboysmavs Posted August 27, 2011 Author Posted August 27, 2011 First I would like to thank everyone who's responded. All valid points. I can go on here and answer someones post and be so clear-headed. Yet I'm so confused on what to do right now. The situation has changed since this morning. I just found out she went out last night for drinks(mutual friends) and started crying. She said the reason being was she was torn between two guys. I've already hung out with other women etc. Its just we really had fun together and not just sexually. Thats why I wouldn't even care if it was just a friendship. I just need to know so I can let the gf type feelings go. Arghhh! Never been through this before. It should be an interesting ride.
Beachgirl8 Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 Well that puts an interesting twist on the situation. It goes back to what I originally said earlier- that she has moved on to another guy without taking any time to get over you (the same as she did with her ex, moved on to you with no break in between relationships) So she is perplexed and confused about her feelings. She can't give you a definite answer because she really doesn't know. Her mind is all jumbled and she ends up crying at a bar over the situation! I'd feel bad for her but she did this to herself- I have girlfriends that pull this kind of crap all the time and then wonder why they are never happy. It is imperative to take a break in between relationships. It is a rare exception (yes it does happen once in awhile but most of the time NO) that a person jumps from one R directly into a new one and it works out. So she's probably pretty miserable right now. And your feelings are just collateral damage. I'm sorry this is happening to you. Why don't you make the executive decision to just be friends with her for the time being no matter what she wants? There are 2 people here. You have just as much right to downgrade her from gf to friend. Plus she needs time to sort out her feelings alone right now. You would be doing yourself and her a favor if you make the decision for her. Nevermind what she wants. She doesn't know. I don't know if any of this sounds harsh, I don't mean it to be. I just don't like to see people suffer when the whole situation was completely avoidable in the first place if she would have acted like an adult to begin with.
Author cowboysmavs Posted August 27, 2011 Author Posted August 27, 2011 Its not too harsh at all. I REALLY appreciate your perspective. I'm definitely going to step even further back and let her figure things out. I can't make that decision for her at this point. I know its stress for me but nothing in life has been easy. I was just wondering at first if all this could be legit because you read all the negative takes people have on these situations. But obviously sometimes people just get conflicted. You are helping it make sense to me. By the way we never claimed each other as bf/gf. I'm sure she has been talking to him this whole time now that I think about it. I'm going to continue dating myself and see what happens. Thanks for all your words!!! Coming on here and hearing other's take on situations helps clarify things tremendously.
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