New here, my story

[sillychick]

Hi everyone

 

You guys were so helpful to me. I wanted to post an update.

 

Sometime beginning of September we had several long talks. He again told me he's not sure if he's done with his marriage. I just couldn't do it anymore. I didn't tell him I loved him but I told him I had feelings for him and that I just thought we should be friends because what we were doing was too hard on me. He understood. It was hard on both of us I think to just be friends because we missed each other but we continued to be friends.

 

About 2 weeks after the 'just friends' talk we went out and had a great time together. It was nice seeing him but it hurt like hell. It set me back emotionally because I like him so much as a person and we have so much fun together. I want more of that.

 

We didn't sleep together or even kiss that day, we just went out and had fun.

 

He kept in touch with me via text mostly during that time. Daily texting back and forth. I never asked him what was going on at home, it would have felt like I was fishing so I let it be. We kept the conversations very superficial.

 

I started dating another guy. I liked this guy but I just felt like I left a piece of my heart with MM. I know it's dramatic but that's how I felt. I tried to move on but at the same time I didn't feel like I was being fair to the guy I was dating because he was crazy about me but I couldn't stop thinking about MM.

 

A few weeks ago MM asked if I could meet him for lunch. I agreed but we never set a date. I intentionally didn't follow up with him to set a date because I didn't know if I could handle seeing him since I wasn't over him. Then he asked to meet me for dinner the week after. I agreed because at that point I thought that maybe I could get some closure to be able to move on since I was struggling.

 

We met for dinner then went back to his place. During dinner he told me that his marriage was over. Neither one of them had filed yet at that point but they both met with attorneys, etc.

 

During all of this time together I had never seen him like this. He is definitely done. He found out that his wife is seeing someone else and has been the whole time he was moved out, but at the same time telling him they needed to go to counseling and work on their marriage.

 

He seemed emotionally in a better place than I've seen him in a while on that night. He seems very clear headed about this decision.

 

He filed for divorce early this week.

 

This week has been pure hell for him. They are fighting like crazy and he's emotionally spent.

 

So I'm not sure where it's going. Logically I know that I should step back and keep dating other people and let him work his stuff out.

 

We did sleep together the night that we got together but haven't seen each other since. We are in daily contact again by text and e-mail and phone. But haven't made any efforts to see each other since that night a couple weeks ago. I'm letting him drive the bus and do the contacting. I don't want to push myself on him.

 

I know I should run. But I can't seem to do it. He has a long road ahead of him. I'm still going to give him his space to do what he needs to do and keep being his friend.

 

If I get hurt in the end I will brush myself off and I'll be o.k. Sometimes love takes risk. I know I'm risking my heart with this guy.

 

He has been careless in getting me in this situation to begin with, but what's done is done. My gut tells me he won't hurt me intentionally so I'm going with my gut on this one and seeing how it plays out.

 

Thanks again for all of your help!

[whichwayisup]

Time will tell if he told you the truth, that his marriage is over by his choice (it seems like his wife still wants to work on things, reguardless of the fact she now knows about the affair) or if he just is continuing to feed you stuff to keep you in his life as the OW.

 

The thing is, he never had a real shot at fixing his marriage because you've been in his life the whole time. Sure, no sex and no kissing, but daily contact and being 'friends.'

 

I wish you luck. Shield your heart, give him space to sort this out, don't be his shoulder either. He can go to therapy or a family member, or his buddies.. You need to leave him be so he can sort out the divorce (if it happens)..

[SoMovinOn]

'Gaslighting' is making a person think that everything is one way but acting as if it is another. For example- having someone say "I love you, you are my soul mate, I can't stand to be away from you." But then they are constantly arguing with you, distancing themselves, and in general making you crazy.

 

That totally isn't what gaslighting is. Gaslighting is giving them false information to make them question what they think the know or see, with the intention of manipulating their sense of reality. It comes from an old play where the H changes things around the house, and insists to his W nothing is changed, in order to make her believe she is going crazy. One of the things he would do is dim the gas lights in the house.

[Silly_Girl]

Hi sillychick, glad to see you back! Seems like you're taking pretty good care of yourself, and not becoming embroiled in their troubles, which is great.

 

You say you 'should run' but I don't agree. I think backing right off but being around if he needs to talk to someone he can trust is a good compromise. I understand where the 'tell him to call when divorced' brigade are coming from but I couldn't watch someone I care about struggle if I could offer them some support/comfort. But we're all different.

 

These are hard times for him and a little unsettled for you. Hope your doing lots of things you enjoy and that remind you of how great life can be!

[sillychick]

Time will tell if he told you the truth, that his marriage is over by his choice (it seems like his wife still wants to work on things, reguardless of the fact she now knows about the affair) or if he just is continuing to feed you stuff to keep you in his life as the OW.

 

The thing is, he never had a real shot at fixing his marriage because you've been in his life the whole time. Sure, no sex and no kissing, but daily contact and being 'friends.'

 

I wish you luck. Shield your heart, give him space to sort this out, don't be his shoulder either. He can go to therapy or a family member, or his buddies.. You need to leave him be so he can sort out the divorce (if it happens)..

 

I know I'm only getting his half of the story. I'll have to wait to see how it unfolds. His wife has been saying that she wants to work on things but she has been seeing someone for months now also. When he found that out is when he decided he wanted a divorce.

 

I think they both moved on months ago and both started to see other people but neither of them wanted to be the one to 'end it', even though it was probably really over when he moved out (which was before he met me).

 

She had an affair 2-3 years ago and he stayed in the house for about 2 years after that but they could never get past her affair as a couple. And there seemed to be many other issues as well. I know that once he moved out of the house and started seeing me that he was no longer trying to fix his marriage at that point. So I know it looks like he (they) weren't trying. But on the other hand I think it was over when they agreed to separate and they both knew it. I don't know, like you said, time will tell.

 

I think he's being honest with me and that's all I have right now. I'm treading carefully.

 

Thanks!

[alexandria35]

Hi everyone

 

You guys were so helpful to me. I wanted to post an update.

 

Sometime beginning of September we had several long talks. He again told me he's not sure if he's done with his marriage. I just couldn't do it anymore. I didn't tell him I loved him but I told him I had feelings for him and that I just thought we should be friends because what we were doing was too hard on me. He understood. It was hard on both of us I think to just be friends because we missed each other but we continued to be friends.

 

About 2 weeks after the 'just friends' talk we went out and had a great time together. It was nice seeing him but it hurt like hell. It set me back emotionally because I like him so much as a person and we have so much fun together. I want more of that.

 

We didn't sleep together or even kiss that day, we just went out and had fun.

 

He kept in touch with me via text mostly during that time. Daily texting back and forth. I never asked him what was going on at home, it would have felt like I was fishing so I let it be. We kept the conversations very superficial.

 

I started dating another guy. I liked this guy but I just felt like I left a piece of my heart with MM. I know it's dramatic but that's how I felt. I tried to move on but at the same time I didn't feel like I was being fair to the guy I was dating because he was crazy about me but I couldn't stop thinking about MM.

 

A few weeks ago MM asked if I could meet him for lunch. I agreed but we never set a date. I intentionally didn't follow up with him to set a date because I didn't know if I could handle seeing him since I wasn't over him. Then he asked to meet me for dinner the week after. I agreed because at that point I thought that maybe I could get some closure to be able to move on since I was struggling.

 

We met for dinner then went back to his place. During dinner he told me that his marriage was over. Neither one of them had filed yet at that point but they both met with attorneys, etc.

 

During all of this time together I had never seen him like this. He is definitely done. He found out that his wife is seeing someone else and has been the whole time he was moved out, but at the same time telling him they needed to go to counseling and work on their marriage.

 

He seemed emotionally in a better place than I've seen him in a while on that night. He seems very clear headed about this decision.

 

He filed for divorce early this week.

 

This week has been pure hell for him. They are fighting like crazy and he's emotionally spent.

 

So I'm not sure where it's going. Logically I know that I should step back and keep dating other people and let him work his stuff out.

 

We did sleep together the night that we got together but haven't seen each other since. We are in daily contact again by text and e-mail and phone. But haven't made any efforts to see each other since that night a couple weeks ago. I'm letting him drive the bus and do the contacting. I don't want to push myself on him.

 

I know I should run. But I can't seem to do it. He has a long road ahead of him. I'm still going to give him his space to do what he needs to do and keep being his friend.

 

If I get hurt in the end I will brush myself off and I'll be o.k. Sometimes love takes risk. I know I'm risking my heart with this guy.

 

He has been careless in getting me in this situation to begin with, but what's done is done. My gut tells me he won't hurt me intentionally so I'm going with my gut on this one and seeing how it plays out.

 

Thanks again for all of your help!

 

The one thing here that kind of bugs me is that it sounds like he threw a jealous fit and decided to divorce his wife when he discovered she had been dating. That would be understandable except for that he had been dating you. So it was okay for him to see you and sleep with you but unforgivable of his wife to date someone? Beware of the double standard, hypocrite man. It can be a nightmare to be in a relationship with someone like this.

 

I would also caution against becoming too involved with a newly seperated divorcing person. They often get involved with someone new and hold on to that person for dear life while they are going through the pain and anguish of the divorce, only to decide that they want their freedom once they have recovered.

[Silly_Girl]

The one thing here that kind of bugs me is that it sounds like he threw a jealous fit and decided to divorce his wife when he discovered she had been dating. That would be understandable except for that he had been dating you. So it was okay for him to see you and sleep with you but unforgivable of his wife to date someone? Beware of the double standard, hypocrite man. It can be a nightmare to be in a relationship with someone like this.

 

Perhaps reality hit. If his wife also appeared to have ceased investing in the M maybe this helped shed some light on things. As opposed to hypocrisy. Maybe he had been attempting to stay through loyalty that the new information simply eroded.

 

I would also caution against becoming too involved with a newly seperated divorcing person. They often get involved with someone new and hold on to that person for dear life while they are going through the pain and anguish of the divorce, only to decide that they want their freedom once they have recovered.

 

Not my experience, but several ex-posters have returned and reported something like this.

[sillychick]

The one thing here that kind of bugs me is that it sounds like he threw a jealous fit and decided to divorce his wife when he discovered she had been dating. That would be understandable except for that he had been dating you. So it was okay for him to see you and sleep with you but unforgivable of his wife to date someone? Beware of the double standard, hypocrite man. It can be a nightmare to be in a relationship with someone like this.

 

I would also caution against becoming too involved with a newly seperated divorcing person. They often get involved with someone new and hold on to that person for dear life while they are going through the pain and anguish of the divorce, only to decide that they want their freedom once they have recovered.

 

You have a valid point but I guess I don't see it that way. I think they both knew it was over and they both moved on months ago. So I don't think once he found out his wife was seeing someone that it was more of a jealous fit and unforgivable, I think it was just one more sign in a long line of signs that their marriage was over.

 

I know that this is going to be a roller coaster ride and in the end he may want to separate from everything that was in his life at the time, including me. This is a huge risk for me and one that I have thought about time and again. I'm taking the risk because my heart is already in.

 

I went through a divorce myself and I bring myself back to that time and know that I was in no position to be dating seriously, so I know he shouldn't be either. But it's hard to separate myself from it right now because I care about him. It's a risk I'm willing to take. I just hope if I give him enough space that when he's ready he'll simply want to date me like a normal relationship would start and we can work from there. That's my hope here. Not that we will have a happily ever after, just that when it's all done we can date like a normal couple and see where it goes.

 

I think my eyes are open.

 

Silly girl thank you for your kind words. I need the optimism at this time too!

[Silly_Girl]

I just hope if I give him enough space that when he's ready he'll simply want to date me like a normal relationship would start and we can work from there. That's my hope here. Not that we will have a happily ever after, just that when it's all done we can date like a normal couple and see where it goes.

 

 

Ha! That's how I felt. My affair didn't convince me that we were perfect and should be together for the rest of our days, guaranteed. More that given the chance we could enjoy a really fun, fulfilling, loving relationship. Which is true.

[singer68]

Hi all

 

I have just started reading this area of LS. I read a lot on the dating area also but now have a situation and would love your input.

 

I started dating a guy back in the spring that I met on Match. He is newly separated.

 

We clicked only in a friend way in the beginning, and he really seemed to need a friend. He had been beaten down by his wife of 20 some years and I think he really enjoyed my friendship. I am recently divorced myself and was happy to help him sort through his feelings.

 

His wife had a long term affair a couple of years ago and he is having a hard time with it. He's still angry and resentful and it seems they never really worked through it although he did stay in the house at the time. His ego has been crushed and I think he enjoyed my frienship and also some female attention and compliments from me.

 

He moved out in the spring and decided to start dating, even though he's not really sure if he's done with his marriage. Once I knew that I treaded very lightly feeling like he could go back to his wife at any time.

 

He is definitely moved out I have been to his place a few times.

 

After 3 months of just friendship we started sleeping together. We talk about this ALL the time. He's afraid to hurt me, he wants to make sure I know where he's at emotionally with his marriage, he's not sure if sleeping together was the right choice, etc.

 

IMO he's been nothing but straight up honest with me. I still know he may go back to his wife. I'm still willing to keep seeing him even though I know it probably means certain heartache for me down the road. I have chosen to ride it out. He's a great friend to me and we have a lot of fun together. The sex is good but it's so much more than the sex. We do a lot of things together during the limited amount of time we do spend together, and we e-mail each other almost every day talking about our day and our feelings and things like that.

 

He occasionally starts to pull away from me and when he does I give him his space. Then when we talk again it seems his pulling away is him feeling guilty for bringing me into this mess. Of course I came along willingly. I really think that there has been times when he decides that he needs to 'quit me' because we're getting more and more involved, and because he feels guilty about bringing me in, but then decides that he doesn't want me out of his life.

 

He has said as much. That he can't imagine his life w/o me in it. That he's 'drawn to me', that he would marry me if he was single, that he's grateful to have met me and things like that.

 

I'm a smart, independent woman in my early 40's and I'm too busy raising my kids right now to worry too much about full on relationships. So I set out just looking for someone to date when my ex had the kids. Go to a movie, see a show, cook dinner, etc., etc. So when I found he was separated with only one foot out the door I wasn't worried about dating him.

 

Neither of us are seeing other people. He calls what we have 'a relationship' even though we don't call each other bf/gf or anything like that. I does feel like we are building a relationship. We talk/text/e-mail throughout the day every day. Because I have the kids a lot and I won't introduce a guy to my kids this early on we only see each other about 3 times a month.

 

But of course even though I didn't set out looking for this, I have fallen in love with him. It's been about 5-6 months and he is someone I can see myself with. I keep these feelings to myself even though I suspect he is falling in love with me also by the things he says to me, with how passionate the lovemaking is, etc.

 

So here's where I need input because I'm so confused.

 

In the past 2 weeks his wife has really come down on him to make a decision. She's tired of living in limbo (can't blame her!!). File for divorce, move back in the house, see a marriage counselor, do something. At one point about 3 weeks ago she told him she wanted a divorce. He said he wouldn't fight it but he wouldn't be the one to initiate it either. I almost wonder if he does want a divorce but doesn't want to be the one to file so he won't feel as guilty regarding the kids. I don't ask because I don't want to put ANY pressure on him at all.

 

He's not sure what he wants to do. I don't think his decision has anything to do with me. I think his decision is much bigger than that. A long marriage and 2 kids. I don't think his decision is 'do I choose my wife or sillychick' I think his decision is 'do I try to make my marriage work or get out of my marriage'. We don't talk about the future or make future plans or anything like that.

 

But yet I know when he thinks about his wife he feels anger and resentment and when he looks at me he just sees happy and fun. In order for him to make his marriage work he's going to have to give me up of course. (if they start counseling or he moves back in the house, I am DONE. I will not go down that road).

 

So this past week has been really tough on me. Knowing that she is pushing him to make a decision (his words, not mine) I have stepped completely back to give him his space. If he e-mails, I return the e-mail. If he texts, I return the text. But that's it. There's been no flirting, no planning the next time we see each other. Contact has been low (almost every day but much less than our usual) I do not want to push him at all. I don't know if I'm even ready for a real relationship right now so the last thing I want him to do is to leave his wife for me, assuming I'll be there for him, etc. I love him and I want him as part of my life. I know it's contradictory. It's just that I didn't set out to find what I found in him so I'm confused and it would freak me out for him to leave his wife FOR me. If he files for divorce it should be because he wants out of his marriage.

 

He tells me he's doing a lot of soul searching this week but has not told me what's going on in that brain of his. So I'm not sure if he's pulling back because he's made a decision to go back or if he's pulling back because he's just trying to decide what to do so he needs his space. Or maybe he's pulling back because he has told her he will work on the marriage and/or go to counseling and is just trying to find a way to tell me, knowing that it's over between us when he does.

 

Last week when he was fretting again about putting me through this I said to him 'what's the worst that can happen?' and he said 'I go back to my wife and you never see me again' and I said 'if that happens I will dust myself off and I'll be fine, stop worrying about me. You worry about you, I'll worry about me'.

 

Anyway, I'm not sure what my question is here. I guess I just needed to get it out and have people listen and chime in.

 

His wife knows he's dating. She does not know about me per se but she knew that he was on Match and that he had dated a few others before me.

 

I don't feel like some OW who have MM who are sleeping in the same bed with their wives at night and promising the OW they are going to leave soon. My guy is sleeping alone at night and telling me he might be going back to his wife soon. Strange.

 

And for the record from everything he has told me, I don't think his marriage is fixable. I think he might go back one more time to try to make it work because he feels in the back of his mind that he might be able to fix it, but from what I've heard I think it's long over. That's just my opinion. In the beginning he even told me that he thinks they both know it's over but they are both afraid to do something about it.

 

I think I just need to continue to give him his space while trying to protect my heart. What do you all think?

 

 

I have found much to relate to in your post. I am in a very difficult situation myself. I think your approach is the right one. The ultimate value of his marriage, whatever that may be, is for him to work out and a separate thing from whatever is going on between you two. He needs to sort that out for himself. You seem to have a very clear idea of your own place in it. You are wisely not pressuring him in any way and you are even aware that you don't know for certain what it means to you ultimately..you don't want him to leave for you. I think you are doing all you can to take care of yourself in this emotionally complicated process. There is a chance that you will suffer the heartache in the end but you are aware of the dangers and so if you can handle it and your life is better with him in it then why not continue? The worst thing in life is to live a boring life eh?

[RaysofHope]

Why not just go away? By even responding to his emails in any matter or form, even if they're not flirtatious, you're clouding his judgment about his marraige and hampering any chance he has of recovering it. Telling yourself that what you have with him and what is going on with his marraige are two seperate things is just being in denial to yourself. The closer he gets to you, the further he's withdrawing from his wife - there's no seperation of issues here. The two issues are completely intertwined. How would you feel if you were his wife trying to work out problems with him on a one-on-one, heart-to-heart, basis knowing that there's some other voice whispering in their ear and biasing their judgement? It wouldn't be fair to you. So, if it's not fair, why are you OK doing it to someone else? Right now, you are that other voice whispering in his ear making it impossible for him to know which way to go. You're not helping anyone but yourself by continuing to keep talking with him. Don't respond to anything he sends you and let him sort himself out. You're really not helping him or his situation by countinuing to remain in contact with him.

 

If he ever gets divorced, and becomes available, then go for it. It really is as simple as that. Otherwise, it's really selfish of you to continue to intrude between him and his wife like that. Just cut all contact with him unless he comes back saying he's now divorced and has the papers to prove it. Anything short of that, you're just making a mess out of other people's lives for your own selfish reasons.

Edited October 29, 2011 by RaysofHope

[pureinheart]

Why not just go away? By even responding to his emails in any matter or form, even if they're not flirtatious, you're clouding his judgment about his marraige and hampering any chance he has of recovering it. Telling yourself that what you have with him and what is going on with his marraige are two seperate things is just being in denial to yourself. The closer he gets to you, the further he's withdrawing from his wife - there's no seperation of issues here. The two issues are completely intertwined. How would you feel if you were his wife trying to work out problems with him on a one-on-one, heart-to-heart, basis knowing that there's some other voice whispering in their ear and biasing their judgement? It wouldn't be fair to you. So, if it's not fair, why are you OK doing it to someone else? Right now, you are that other voice whispering in his ear making it impossible for him to know which way to go. You're not helping anyone but yourself by continuing to keep talking with him. Don't respond to anything he sends you and let him sort himself out. You're really not helping him or his situation by countinuing to remain in contact with him.

 

If he ever gets divorced, and becomes available, then go for it. It really is as simple as that. Otherwise, it's really selfish of you to continue to intrude between him and his wife like that. Just cut all contact with him unless he comes back saying he's now divorced and has the papers to prove it. Anything short of that, you're just making a mess out of other people's lives for your own selfish reasons.

 

Speaking in general concerning influence or bias. If a person is that easily influenced, then they will be influenced by anyone or anything or they are just allowing in what they really want.

[Silly_Girl]

Speaking in general concerning influence or bias. If a person is that easily influenced, then they will be influenced by anyone or anything or they are just allowing in what they really want.

 

Yes, it's selective. Same as the concept that the MM can't be forced to stay, he'd go if he really wanted - as we're always being told. The influence would be irrelevant if he really wanted to stay?

[sp2007]

Why not just go away? By even responding to his emails in any matter or form, even if they're not flirtatious, you're clouding his judgment about his marraige and hampering any chance he has of recovering it. Telling yourself that what you have with him and what is going on with his marraige are two seperate things is just being in denial to yourself. The closer he gets to you, the further he's withdrawing from his wife - there's no seperation of issues here. The two issues are completely intertwined. How would you feel if you were his wife trying to work out problems with him on a one-on-one, heart-to-heart, basis knowing that there's some other voice whispering in their ear and biasing their judgement? It wouldn't be fair to you. So, if it's not fair, why are you OK doing it to someone else? Right now, you are that other voice whispering in his ear making it impossible for him to know which way to go. You're not helping anyone but yourself by continuing to keep talking with him. Don't respond to anything he sends you and let him sort himself out. You're really not helping him or his situation by countinuing to remain in contact with him.

 

If he ever gets divorced, and becomes available, then go for it. It really is as simple as that. Otherwise, it's really selfish of you to continue to intrude between him and his wife like that. Just cut all contact with him unless he comes back saying he's now divorced and has the papers to prove it. Anything short of that, you're just making a mess out of other people's lives for your own selfish reasons.

 

I understand your perspective. There is definitely some merit in it. But what about personal responsibility? It's really not up to her to do what is best for him. He needs to own that. As to her responsibility to the wife, he was separated when they met so I'm not sure she owes anything at all to her either. It really depends on what their agreement about the separation was and what silly check understood it to be. Regardless, I think the majority of the responsibility for that relationship is his as well. Did I understand this correctly, silly chick?

Edited October 29, 2011 by sp2007

[sillychick]

I understand your perspective. There is definitely some merit in it. But what about personal responsibility? It's really not up to her to do what is best for him. He needs to own that. As to her responsibility to the wife, he was separated when they met so I'm not sure she owes anything at all to her either. It really depends on what their agreement about the separation was and what silly check understood it to be. Regardless, I think the majority of the responsibility for that relationship is his as well. Did I understand this correctly, silly chick?

 

I'm not exactly sure what you're asking so I'll clear up some facts and maybe I'll answer your question in the process. When I met him he was separated. He had moved out, got an apartment and signed a one year lease. They had an arrangement for shared custody of the kids and the financial stuff (verbally).

 

Their marriage hadn't been good in some time (since her affair 2-3 years ago, and actually one could argue it might not have been good before her affair or she might not have had an affair who knows for sure).

 

I have no idea what they went through to try to work out things after her affair. He had a lot of resentment towards her that he couldn't seem to get past. I agree that they never really seemed to work it out, no marriage counseling, etc. But again, he didn't leave his wife for me he didn't even know me at the time.

 

She knew that he was online dating, that's how we met. She doesn't know about me specifically but she knew he was dating. Shortly after we met he told me that he believed she was dating also.

 

So my opinion this whole time was that his marriage was over when he moved out and neither one of them had the courage to really end it. I don't think he really wanted to work things out with her once he moved out, I think the pull he was feeling was back to the 'happy family' that they were years ago but not to working things out with her per se.

 

It might seem like a silly thing to think, but part of me feels like he felt he would enjoy the summer and not think too much about the hard work he had ahead of him (a divorce) and deal with it in the fall. That was my opinion for a while, and actually it's exactly what happened. I also think sometimes people tend to keep themselves in limbo until it becomes so uncomfortable that they have to make a move. His divorce will be difficult because of many financial dealings they have that I won't go into. I think he knew that and part of him just wanted to enjoy his summer and worry about the legal part of it later.

 

I'm not sure but those were my guesses all along about why he (they) were keeping themselves in this spot.

 

We are not planning a future together. I do think he has feelings for me but I don't think he's in love with me. I didn't set out to fall in love with a guy who still had all of this 'stuff' going on. But also I was not the reason for his marriage failing.

 

Was I the reason why he didn't want to go back to work it out? I might never really know the answer to that. I don't think so.

 

He has filed for divorce and I am keeping my distance because I know his life is about to get even more difficult. I am keeping myself around as a friend and we are keeping in touch but I am giving him the space he needs to do what he needs to do.

 

Much of the advice I have been given is that I should step out of the picture entirely and let them work on their marriage. He is beyond the point where he wants to work on his marriage. Right now he is telling me that he can't believe he waited this long to do this, that his head is very clear now, that he needs his freedom to be away from the craziness that has been his life since her affair. Etc., etc.

 

Remember also when he made that decision to divorce, we had decided to just be friends and I had started dating someone else.

 

So do I owe anything to her? I don't think so. Did I ruin their marriage? Definitely not.

 

He has a tough road ahead of him and I will keep myself in his life as a friend and wait to see how it plays out. I hope in the end we can date like a normal couple, that's all. I'm not ready to totally blend my life with anyone elses and I'm sure he's not going to be for a while also.

 

So that's it. In a nutshell.