Move out while he's away?

[weeble78]

Ok, so I have a BF of 21 months who I live with. Recently been through unemployment and weed smoking, and arguments.

 

Anyway.

 

Yesterday he texted at work asking if I'd drive with him to sell his car. I agreed. He picked me up 20 mins later, and told me he'd decided to sell to his ex-fiancee.

 

Info: they were together 7 years, the first 6 months we were together, he constantly compared me to her. In a good way, but he talked about her A LOT.

 

So, I was surprised as according to him they hadn't spoken for years. I asked if they'd caught up, and how it came about.

 

He told me in the 20 mins before picking me up, he'd noticed she'd posted on FBK saying she was looking for a car so messaged her. Then they had a chat on the phone.

 

I said I felt a bit weird, and that it would've been nice if he'd have said something to me before contacting her. He blew up.

 

We argued on the drive home - so I got pissy with him, annoyed that he hadn't run it by me, and that he was jumping down my throat for asking a question.

 

We got home, he told me how out of order I was and that he couldln't believe I was making such a big deal out of him selling a car to an ex. I turned around and left, because I was getting yelled at and not listened to (as always).

 

He texted me on the defensive, saying all he's done is sold a car and there shouldn't be any issues. I replied saying I'd just been trying to express how I felt and didn't like how he shouted over me and refused to listen. He promised to be calm and asked me to come home. So I did.

 

When I got home, he said he was going to tell me the whole truth. He'd bumped into her over a week ago and they'd caught up. I laughed. He lost it again and starting yelling, saying the reason he hadn't told me was that he knew I'd fly off the handle. I called him a liar and said I was disappointed, and felt let down and like the trust has been broken. He let all hell loose, so I left again.

 

I was shaking angry that he'd lied to me on text, and lied to my face about contacting her on FBK. I cried in my car for a while before calling my best friend, who advised me to go back and talk to him, as I'd arranged a surprise weekend for him this weekend, and wanted to try and salvage it.

 

Unsurprisingly when I got home, he started shouting as soon as I tried to speak to him. He got angry because I 'always make too big a deal out of things' - which I must say, has been the case in the past but I thought we'd got over that. He yelled and shouted, then finished with me. So again I left.

 

I arranged to meet up with a friend later, and in the meantime texted him.

 

He was angry saying I hurt him saying he'd broken my trust, that he put her before me by not telling me about bumping into her, that I'd realised his fear of kicking off when he told me. I stood firm and said I felt he'd compromised our trust and did not want to be lied to in a relationship.

 

He just kept saying that I don't trust him anyway (so far from the truth!!) and I would always have gone crazy. I asked him to stop deflecting and asked if he can see it from my point of view. I explained the only problem I have is with him hiding stuff from me about his ex - and that instead of apologising, just trying to justify everything he's said and done. I said that love is about loving actions, not protecting yourself. Then he got more angry and said I'd lost it, the whole charade was pathetic, I think everyone's out to **** on me, I'm insecure, I want to be on Jeremy Kyle.

 

After that outburst I asked him when he's ready to come down off his high horse and talk heartfeltly and genuinely without calling me pathetic etc then to let me know. I said I was angry because he lied, and disappointed because he can't control his temper. I pointed out he was the one to rachet this up, when it hsould have been a simple talk and apology. I apologised for calling him a t*at, and said I'm sick of him not communicating like an adult, shouting and ranting, pushing me (he's done this twice during the last 2 arguments), and that I'm sick of him not facing up to things and resolving things in an adult way. I said I respected him for telling me, but not for the way he behaved after. I then went out with my friend. Later on I got an apology.

 

When I got home he lost it again, saying he should never have told me and will just lie in future, so I went to bed.

 

In the morning I gave him a hug, to try and talk. He lost it big time. He came in my room to talk. Then got his hair off because I kept trying to make him face up to telling a lie and to recognise that it hurt me so we could talk about it. He left and returned, screaming I'm crazy, I'm psychologically unsound, I'm mental, I twist everything, make things up - he finished with me, then said he wasn't surprised about my last relationship (lying, stealing, violence) and that my parents had kicked me out at 16.

 

At that point this morning, I grabbed clothes etc and left to go to think in the park. At 10:20 I get a text saying he's sorry for lashing out and should never have said those things. Even if it's all over he wants me to know he loves me, cares about me and would never put someone else in front of me. He explained he was catching the train in ten minutes to where we were going to go together.

 

I didn't reply.

 

Anyway, that's turned into a massive post. Sorry people.

 

So, my dilemma - I'm at our house which we rent together. I love him. I can see how me getting emotional makes him mad but we have to meet halfway somehow.

 

I haven't replied to him and am thinking over the following choices:

 

(1) Not texting, waiting for him to come home and see if he texts in the meantime or what he says when he gets home.

(2) Not texting, buying some boxes, packing my stuff up and looking for somewhere to live.

(3) Texting that I'm sorry too, I love him and will talk when he gets back.

(4) Texting saying that I'm moving out and will not take being treated like this.

 

I hope someone gets through to the end of this. Luckily for once I have the house to myself and time in which to think of what I'm going to do.

 

Thanks for your advice in advance guys x

[Beachgirl8]

This guy has crossed all kinds of boundaries, can't discuss or compromise rationally, calls you names, physically assaults you, tells you the way he will deal with situations like this in the future is by lying, etc etc. He cannot be reasoned with. I think you should find a way out of this situation ASAP.

 

Is your name on the lease? Utilities in your name? I'd focus on resolving those types of questions responsibly and quickly and cut all ties with this person.

[weeble78]

Hi

Thanks for your reply.

I completely agree on the crossing the boundaries. However, he says I get him so frustrated that he just can't help getting angry. I'm quite emotional, and I can be quite sensitive. My friends are really patient with me. He cannot handle if I find anything wrong in what he does, or if I judge him - he literally reels away and gets on the attack.

He was the same over my miscarriage - he didn't know how to handle it and backed off so I got angry. He couldn't handle my anger so practically disappeared.

 

I really wish I could understand the dynamics here. Because I'm not perfect either. And I feel I rub him up the wrong way (not on purpose).

 

I feel if he's had a 7 year relationship before, and two 1 year relationships since, there must be something wrong with me if it's going wrong.

 

Our name is jointly on the lease and every bill. He guilt tripped me into signing for another year about a month ago.

 

He's the biggest love of my life, and things were going so well before. He blames everything on me, and I feel he has fallen out of love with me but enjoys the circumstances our living together brings him.

 

Recently things were going well - he'd booked off 2 weeks for us to go on holiday, he's stopped smoking weed, he'd started cooking for me and buying me small gifts again. Things were going well because I ignored him keeping me at a distance and continued to show him love regardless. Every time I went to bring this up he refused to talk to me.

 

I feel very confused.

[weeble78]

I just want to call him and I want to feel his arms around me. I want a chance to put right the things I've done wrong. Someone please talk to me...

[Beachgirl8]

I was with someone for many years that sounds very similar to your boyfriend. He would do a lot of the same things, yell, push, break up with me and get back together, blow up if I wanted to talk about something that was bothering me. But if he had something that bothered him I was expected to be understanding and loving and apologize. We fought all the time because I'm not a pushover and would stand my ground, only to agonize over these fights, eventually make up, etc. I left several times, once even I thought I finally had enough and moved about 1000 miles away. He begged and flew to see me many times, swore he would get counseling, by himself and with me, etc etc. He started to go to counseling. He seemed sincere in wanting to improve. So I went back. And guess what? A year later, he stopped going to counseling, we never ended up going for relationship counseling, and things went right back to the way they were. I finally had to move away AGAIN. Only now I'm older and not only do I have to resolve my OWN issues that I should have addressed before entering into a serious relationship in the first place, I had to deal with the pain of the aftermath of a failed relationship.

 

It's been 3 years since I left for the final time. In retrospect i wish i had not wasted so much time in a toxic situation. I recommend that if you really do want to be with this person, at the very least you should take a break from him so you can each work on your own issues seperately to be able to someday develop a healthy relationship together.

 

I feel your pain. I'm not picking on you in any way. I wish I could go back in time and give myself this advice and actually listen to my own advice.

[cowboysmavs]

Man have I been through a similar situation. It was with my ex of 7 years though. We got to where we could not communicate at all. Everything was yelling and name calling at that point. I honestly regret to this day the way I acted. So my first piece of advice would be to calm down and try to relax. That stubborness builds up sometimes in a relationship and it does neither of you any good. I am all about being straight forward with someone. No matter what it is. If its going to hurt them etc. That whole moving out and trying not to text will only drag things out further. If you decide you want to move out and thats what you REALLY want to do than do it and be honest about it. Just be strong and crying is normal. I used to think I was the toughest guy in the world. After my 7 year break-up I baby cried for almost 2 weeks lol(some tough guy). It was hard moving back home until our lease was up. Recently a much shorter one ended and I baby cried again. Its normal. Just let it all out. Let the rush of emotions subside to where you can start to think clearly.

[weeble78]

Thank you for replying. I feel so alone and helpless right now. Like you, I've stood my ground for so long - it was the first thing he told his best mate he loved me for.

 

In his text, he wrote "I am sorry for lashing out and should never have said all those things. Even if that's it, all over, I just want you to know I do love you, I do care about you and I never put anything or anyone else in front of you. I'm catching the train at 10:30 to XXXXX. Sorry for everything."

 

Is that a goodbye text?

 

I take on board your comments about sorting out your own issues - I can't believe you went back and forth for so long. Why are the bad relationships the ones which are so hard to get out of?

 

Also I agree about the straightforwardness. I've just been on the phone to my sister and she's told me the same thing. I've called him to talk, and he's going to call me back soon.

 

I don't know what he'll say. I don't know whether he'll come home or not. I don't want to move out or give up yet - I want to fight for the relationship, and I want him to fight for the relationship.

[Beachgirl8]

Best of luck with the phone conversation I hope this all blows over for you and you can work out your differences and find happiness and peace with your guy.

[weeble78]

You are a lovely person - thank you for putting a smile on my face We spoke, he asked me to go up there tonight and sort it out. I think I will leave it till tomorrow though, as it's a long way and it's getting later.

[cowboysmavs]

We didn't go back and forth the whole time just the last year. It got really bad like what you're describing. Honestly if you feel he is worth it maybe you should break up to get some time to yourself. If he still wants to try and you do to then keep at it. Some things happened between me and my ex that kept us from getting back together. If she had just broken up with me and let me know it was for real from the get go, I think my stubborness would have eased. It wasn't till it ended completely did we actually start to talk about things like adults. Now two years later and 4-5 girls since her she is trying to get back with me beleive it or not. I think if there was a way for us to both let down our guard in the beginning and talk and show how much we cared, we might still be together. Maybe if you didn't yell(not blaming you) and just show him how stuff hurts your feelings. Whats its going to hurt to try a little while longer? Then you will know you gave it your best effort. Still don't back down on things you feel you deserve and want from him though.

[weeble78]

Cowboysmavs

Thanks for your experience and advice. I'm sorry that things happened like that for you and it is still in your life now. I know what you mean, once things have been said you cannot retract, it leaves a wound in the relationship which damages it further and you cannot go back.

In every argument, I've always been the one to draw a line and then leave. When he eventually put his foot down about 2 months ago, I have never done it since. Over the last few weeks I've started thinking about leaving for real, so it's now time for me to lay my feelings on the line and act out of them. Not act out of protecting myself.

Who knows what will happen - but I'll be damned myself if I don't give it every reasonable effort first to show him how much he means to me instead of hiding it to look like I don't hurt.

 

After my last relationship, the one thing I can say to everyone here is what lots of people say - love yourself, actively. Do things every day and be good to yourself. Do things only for yourself. Its when you start focussing on someone else too much that things start to go wrong.

[cowboysmavs]

You're welcome. Its all good. I've been through alot of bad things in my life and I find that almost all of them make me a better person in the end. They make me appreciate the good times that much more. As well as make you more resilient when times are tough. Alot of people feel relationships are going to be picture perfect like you see in the movies but that just isn't the case. It takes WORK! Unless you're perfect of course.

[EgoJoe]

I don't know what to say. The pushing is unacceptable. He needs help and so do you (for different reasons).

 

Counselling for both of you and anger management for him would work wonders.

 

Also, I want to add that recent studies have shown the marijuana can interfere with healthy emotional expression. I can attest to this having once been an on and off again pothead after sobering up from alcohol.