Beachgirl8 Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 All I want is to locate a guy who wants to: A) do deranged sexual things with our bodies, and then B) fall asleep in a big cuddle ball and get along and laugh. I don't care about getting married, or having kids, or buying a house. I'm not insecure, or jealous, and I'm an attractive girl. I support myself and dont care about money or cars. I dont need a guy with a perfect body- just has to be charismatic and take care of himself. I am not even height predjudiced. I can find guys that want either A or B, but not both. Is this too much to ask? Am I crazy?
somedude81 Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 What do you mean by "deranged sexual things with our bodies?"
Author Beachgirl8 Posted August 27, 2011 Author Posted August 27, 2011 I mean I have a good healthy sex drive and like to experiment.
somedude81 Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 Heh, my first guess was crazy S&M type stuff. Unless that's what you meant by experiment
Author Beachgirl8 Posted August 27, 2011 Author Posted August 27, 2011 I don't even see anything wrong with that stuff either. I'm very open minded about sex but I actively dislike short term flings or FWB situations. Not interested. I want to have a good sex life AND get along with the guy and care about each other. It just seems like it's either/or. I can pick guys who are super nice, but have all sorts of hangups and notions about being with a "good girl", or I can find guys who want to have crazy sex only and act like a super douche. I don't want to have to pick. I want both. Is that possible? I'm open to negotiation on all other topics.
somedude81 Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 Eh, there are good men out there who want to get along with and care about the woman they are with. And have crazy sex with her. BTW, does the beach happen to be in California
Author Beachgirl8 Posted August 27, 2011 Author Posted August 27, 2011 Nope. This is a legit question (at least in my mind) I'm not trying to get attention or get hit on here. I just want to figure out how to accomplish my goal in real life. I have no trouble meeting guys. My experience has been that they either want to "wife" me and be all boring/have hangups about sex/ low sex drive/ get upset that I'm open minded about sex OR they like to have sex and are allergic to cuddling and hanging out, and want to be a player or whatever. Which is fine, good for them- have at it. I'm just trying to find someone who can handle both. I don't think I'm asking for the impossible. Why is this so difficult to find?
TBH Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 Nope. This is a legit question (at least in my mind) I'm not trying to get attention or get hit on here. I just want to figure out how to accomplish my goal in real life. I have no trouble meeting guys. My experience has been that they either want to "wife" me and be all boring/have hangups about sex/ low sex drive/ get upset that I'm open minded about sex OR they like to have sex and are allergic to cuddling and hanging out, and want to be a player or whatever. Which is fine, good for them- have at it. I'm just trying to find someone who can handle both. I don't think I'm asking for the impossible. Why is this so difficult to find? the reason why its so difficult to find what you are looking for is because the kind of sex you're looking for is naturally far more common in ONS, FWB etc. I think when in a relationship women often feel that their men 'respect' them too much and dont push the boundaries because they care about your feelings (which is a good thing of course and a classic example of women wanting it both ways BTW i am a woman so not being sexist here!) With experimentation there is always going to be a concern with someone you care for that they wont be happy to do what you want. then you might have opened yourself up to embarassment, or even worse they might think you're some kind of deviant and not feel sexually secure with you anymore. I agree completely with you that it is a most difficult thing to find. the excitement of experimentation is uncertainty, not being sure how far the other will push it etc. but when in a relationship you know the other person and you know they wont push it too far. on the other hand if they do, that could leave you feeling like you're just an object etc. and after all you then have to wake up with that person, go shopping etc. Also you just have the general familiarity of being with the same person which naturally counteracts the sexual excitement in most cases just because you know them, they know you and people do tend to stick to what they know and like. i'm sure you have your match out there somewhere, but you are right, uncertainty and spontineity is a very difficult thing to find and maintain within a relationship.
rafallus Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 No, it's not too much to ask, there are guys like that in the world. Not necessarily very many, but there are.
Author Beachgirl8 Posted August 27, 2011 Author Posted August 27, 2011 Thanks TBH, for taking this question seriously. I think you actually understand the complicated dynamics of what I'm talking about. I'm having trouble figuring out how/when to talk about this and explain it when dating. I sometimes feel like the normal dating advice for finding a good man doesn't apply to me. The last time I followed "the rules" I did end up with a nice guy in a LTR that lasted many years, but I found myself majorly unhappy with my sex life. Furthermore, any discussion with my ex on this topic just turned into an argument and him not trusting me. I do not have a self control problem and I NEVER cheated on him in any way. I noticed over time that it seems like the way other people solve this problem is to remain in their LTR or marriage and either cheat, or have some sort of "open relationship". Neither of those options appeal to me. Trying to convert a sex only relationship (FWB or whatever) into a LTR is a colossal waste of time as well. So I don't try to do that either.
OnyxSnowfall Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 (edited) In my experience it's been impossible to have both (for very long). When I became sexually involved with my current boyfriend... we had constant crazy sex... including all kinds of kinky experimentation (repeating the things we really enjoyed at the time) with all kinds of frequency. He was very tender afterwards and very sweet and very fun, and it actually felt like having "both" but... as time and our relationship progressed, he got this notion in his head that he felt like he had been mistreating me ... didn't want to "use" me for a purely biological release... and our sex life has pretty much evolved into a primarily affectionate, slow, love-making. Which I do enjoy too, he is I think, at heart, a romantic (for better or worse, I'm more feral). But that's even not near as frequent. If I try to instigate something more dirty and wild, he doesn't really get into it now. He'll let me do whatever I want to him but he just sort of takes it and doesn't reciprocate... In his words, "Sex is better when I feel like I'm expressing my love for you, and it's just not love if..." To his credit, perhaps once every couple of months he'll attack me somewhere inappropriate, flip me over and be extremely rough, exploitative with his tongue and nails and strange objects and just be primal and passionate but... I kind of miss the ravenous crazy things we used to do (and I have informed him). Plus my sex drive is just higher than his. He says he's satisfied now... he's never had someone to experiment with etc before so it was all a novelty to him (apparently) and he's found what he really enjoys and sticks to it... I do enjoy the way we make love, too. I just want both and it more often, lol. I suppose what I'm saying is, even if you find a man who is capable of being sweet and naughty, it may change later on down the road. I think people in general have a hard time not separating the two. There's some strange psychology behind it... I don't know, I feel I am able to love him and lust for him at the same time. Edited August 27, 2011 by OnyxSnowfall
loverboy1984 Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 Im looking for someone like you...call me.
Author Beachgirl8 Posted August 27, 2011 Author Posted August 27, 2011 OnyxSnowfall- that change is exactly what Im talking about. I know that intensity drops off over time in any relationship, that's natural. It seems to me from my experience that guys are either "relationship minded" and want to make love or whatever you want to call it, OR they want to get down and dirty with a lot of girls they don't care about, OR if they want both they are conflicted and end up insome sort of alternative arrangement. All of these options are unattractive to me. I think it will take a special, very open minded guy who doesn't have any sort of Madonna whore complex issues (yes I know the validity of that theory is unproved but it sort of is relevant to illustrate my point) to be able to be in a faithful relationship with me but also satisfy me sexually. The last guy I dated (briefly, like 6 months) had zero sex drive for me after we got to know each other. There were other small issues but really we got along great, never argued and hung out every day. We broke up with each other a couple weeks ago because really we were just friends, so I didn't really see the point of hanging out all the time and sleeping over his house. He suggested that we continue what we were doing, but have sex with other people instead. I was like, WHAT???????? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. You don't want to have sex anymore BECAUSE you like me so much? Ugh. So I guess I'm ranting a little bit. That was an extreme situation that I've never encountered before. Who knows what was going on really in his head. I'm over it and am out dating again but I'm just tired of getting to know people and developing attachments to them only to have to break up for ridiculous, lame reasons. And on the flipside I know a few guys who would be more than happy to have a FWB right now, but I just don't want to do that either. I'm very frustrated because I feel like a guy should be SO HAPPY to find a chick like me that wants what I want. But alas, they are not. I'll keep looking and find someone eventually who will get with the program, lol.... These things just take time I guess!
LittleTiger Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 No it's not too much to ask. My man wants both A and B and he gets them. If it's what you want, don't settle for less.
somedude81 Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 It's interesting reading threads like this. I don't know how other men are with their girls. I've never talked about it with anybody so all I know, is how I am, and from what online girls say about their experiences. I'm the kind of guy who is relationship mined and wants to have lots of sex with the girl I'm dating. It never occurred to me that other men are different.
rafallus Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. You don't want to have sex anymore BECAUSE you like me so much? It baffles me. Some people seem to have this weird hangup to reserve kinky sex for people they are not committed to (and probably will never be), yet play it safe and water down whole experience with their long term partners. Never experienced it personally, but heard about it several times. If it happened to me, I'd be pretty offended and felt like I was some second choice. Yet, it doesn't disprove that people can be other way.
OnyxSnowfall Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 OnyxSnowfall- that change is exactly what Im talking about. I know that intensity drops off over time in any relationship, that's natural. It seems to me from my experience that guys are either "relationship minded" and want to make love or whatever you want to call it, OR they want to get down and dirty with a lot of girls they don't care about, OR if they want both they are conflicted and end up insome sort of alternative arrangement. All of these options are unattractive to me. I think it will take a special, very open minded guy who doesn't have any sort of Madonna whore complex issues (yes I know the validity of that theory is unproved but it sort of is relevant to illustrate my point) to be able to be in a faithful relationship with me but also satisfy me sexually. The last guy I dated (briefly, like 6 months) had zero sex drive for me after we got to know each other. There were other small issues but really we got along great, never argued and hung out every day. We broke up with each other a couple weeks ago because really we were just friends, so I didn't really see the point of hanging out all the time and sleeping over his house. He suggested that we continue what we were doing, but have sex with other people instead. I was like, WHAT???????? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. You don't want to have sex anymore BECAUSE you like me so much? Ugh. So I guess I'm ranting a little bit. That was an extreme situation that I've never encountered before. Who knows what was going on really in his head. I'm over it and am out dating again but I'm just tired of getting to know people and developing attachments to them only to have to break up for ridiculous, lame reasons. And on the flipside I know a few guys who would be more than happy to have a FWB right now, but I just don't want to do that either. I'm very frustrated because I feel like a guy should be SO HAPPY to find a chick like me that wants what I want. But alas, they are not. I'll keep looking and find someone eventually who will get with the program, lol.... These things just take time I guess! Ohhh your last relationship sounds awfully frustrating. And I completely know what you mean about getting attached to people and then having those attachments severed over some bizarre, most certainly lame, things... it's just draining *and* upsetting. I wish you luck in finding a better man. I figure if you know you are capable of having both, there just has to be a male counter-part out there who is too --- and for a long-term, lol. He probably will have to be very comfortable within his sexuality and identity, and definitely open-minded enough. "brave" enough to couple deep intimacy with his sexuality, maybe even
Author Beachgirl8 Posted August 27, 2011 Author Posted August 27, 2011 Right, my experience doesn't prove or disprove anything about people in general, but it sure was frustrating! I think the best advice I can give myself is to do a better job picking someone from the beginning and being very clear to communicate how I feel about this before any attachment forms. I was so perplexed by the situation while I was in it I had a very difficult time talking about it with him, which is out of character for me, but it didn't help that I just let it go for months without really talking about it. Whatever, what I learned from the past 6 months or so is to be direct in communicating what I want from the beginning.
GoodOnPaper Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 I'm the kind of guy who is relationship mined and wants to have lots of sex with the girl I'm dating. It never occurred to me that other men are different. Me too -- I've always figured that, at least when talking about guys in their teens through 30s, that sex drives are pretty high across the board, but judging from LS posts, it seems that women are surprised when guys who aren't physically hot and desirable on the surface -- in other words, the typical "relationship guy" -- want sex just as much as the successful alpha-male players . . . I wish you luck in finding a better man. I figure if you know you are capable of having both, there just has to be a male counter-part out there who is too --- and for a long-term, lol. He probably will have to be very comfortable within his sexuality and identity, and definitely open-minded enough. "brave" enough to couple deep intimacy with his sexuality, maybe even It's always the men that seem to get the blame in situations like this, but a sex life is a two-way street. It's possible that the OP isn't "woman" enough to bring out the animal in her "relationship guys".
OnyxSnowfall Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 It's always the men that seem to get the blame in situations like this, but a sex life is a two-way street. It's possible that the OP isn't "woman" enough to bring out the animal in her "relationship guys". The "animal" in man is not a complex thing to provoke, LOL.
Author Beachgirl8 Posted August 27, 2011 Author Posted August 27, 2011 Ouch, goodonpaper! That is a valid hypothesis, I guess... Maybe he just wasn't attracted to me and didn't want to hurt my feelings. Maybe i am overconfident in my "abilities" lol. Who knows. But the strange thing about this last experience is that it started off as a sexual thing, and then after a couple of weeks he started talking about having feelings of liking me, then all of a sudden the equipment stopped working. At first he said something about a medication he was taking, then he was sick for a week or so, then it was just awkward. I tried to be patient because i really liked the guy and figured it would go back to the way it was in the beginning. But it never did... After a few months we talked and he said he wasn't accustomed to actually liking a woman and being in a relationship and it was freaking him out... He has been single for a long time and while he was always able to have sex with women he basically disliked them and didn't get attached. When he suggested staying in our "relationship" and just getting sex elsewhere I got pretty pissed and didn't talk to him for a few days. When we finally talked about it the following week he was upset that I got mad over that because he said he thought he was being NICE to me by that suggestion because his brain is broken when it comes to sex. Umm I wasn't planning on going into this much detail because I am fully aware of how crazy this all sounds- I honestly believe he wasn't trying to hurt me and I'm positive it wasn't because I did anything wrong, sexually or otherwise- I think I just got involved with a person that doesn't currently have ANY of the tools necessary to develop an adult relationship. I hope he learned from this experience as well and it helps him in the future to reconcile liking a girl and ALSO being able to have sex with her. I just couldn't tackle that whole psychological mess successfully. So, ultimately, I guess it is my fault for bailing... But jeez.
OnyxSnowfall Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 It's always the men that seem to get the blame in situations like this, but a sex life is a two-way street. It's possible that the OP isn't "woman" enough to bring out the animal in her "relationship guys". Alright, I considered this in a little (little...) more in depth and decided that this warranted another response. I think the OP's last post, stating that communication is important, will really help her in finding someone she's more compatible with (hopefully). A person's sexuality develops and changes over their entire life-span... while others can influence it, affect it and have large impacts on it... people are largely perplexed by their own sexuality and especially another persons. This thread isn't about placing blame on one gender or another and honestly, "bringing out a man's animal side" when he DOESN'T want you to bring it out because he is experiencing some kind of inner conflict with it isn't going to work anyway. It's up to him, in the end. And the same could be if it were a female who was withdrawing from sex. There could be multiple reasons/explanations as to why... but even if a man is "seduced" into doing something he was already against, he may just have even more resentment and guilt for giving in etc.
GoodOnPaper Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 The "animal" in man is not a complex thing to provoke, LOL. Surprising -- in my experience, no woman has ever tried . . . or else they've been really bad at it.
xxoo Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 Not mutually exclusive. My H and I have this, longterm. . He probably will have to be very comfortable within his sexuality and identity, and definitely open-minded enough. "brave" enough to couple deep intimacy with his sexuality, maybe even The openness to intimacy is important. Both multiple partners and tame sex are ways of avoiding deep intimacy. Look for a man who is intensely passionate, in bed and out. Someone who feels deeply, and expresses freely.
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