Niaka44 Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 Every time I feel like I'm starting to let go, I seem to slide backwards and suddenly I'm just so hurt and angry. I initiated the breakup with my ex about a month ago, because although I loved him, I was unhappy with him and wanted to get out of it in hopes that we would both be happier in the end. To make a long story short, he was my best friend and we had a wonderful relationship him for over a year, but eventually I realized that the little things that had always bothered me were a bigger deal than I'd let myself see. We were just so different in every possible way, and over time it really got to me. He was upset, but he handled the breakup well and told me he'd always love me and be there for me if I needed him. He said he didn't quite understand my reasons; he truly believed we could get back to being happy together if we both tried harder and he didn't want to lose me, but he accepted that I had decided the relationship was over and respected my choice. About two weeks later, after having NC at all, I sent him a text just checking in and seeing what he'd been up to, because I missed him and wanted to know how he was doing. It was just hard having NC when we'd been so close for all that time (we were best friends for two years before we began dating). The conversation started out friendly and light, but suddenly he began to talk about how he was missing me and how hard the breakup was on him. I admitted that it was very hard on me as well, and told him I hoped he hadn't thought otherwise. We agreed that we should go back to NC and keep it that way so that we could move on and go back to being friends in the future. A week or so later, I found out from a reliable source that he'd been hooking up with one of his female friends, a girl he's known forever who is from his hometown. Because I still had and do have strong feelings for him (the breakup had nothing to do with my feelings diminishing), I was shocked and extremely hurt. I couldn't believe that he would do that after only a few weeks. I don't know anything about their relationship other than that they have always been good friends, so I'm not sure if it was just a casual thing and he was maybe using her as a rebound to get over me (not trying to flatter myself, it just seems like a possibility) or if he truly has romantic feelings for her. I don't want to believe the latter could be true, because what does that say about our relationship if he could love me for so long and then be ready to move on to someone else so quickly? As far as I know, they are not together, seeing as he left to go back to school in another region of the country, but that doesn't mean they don't have something more than friendship going on. I know he has every right to his own decisions, but I'm so confused and hurt. He didn't rub it in my face or make it known to me in any way at all; he's been nothing but polite to me since I broke up with him. Yet I'm so angry with both him and her. I don't know this girl very well, but I have heard a lot of things from friends of mine who do know her and they have had mostly bad things to say. I feel like our relationship has been cheapened by him fooling around with her, but I'm also unable to stop myself from wondering if he compared the two of us while he was with her and if he preferred being with her to being with me. I know that this probably isn't the case, because we had amazing chemistry and loved being intimate together, and we were in love and all of that...but it's been impossible for me to stop the negative thoughts. I guess I just needed to vent, and my friends are sick of hearing me talk circles about this. They think I need to just let it go and move on, which I know is true. I chose to end things with him because I knew in my heart it wasn't working and that we'd both get hurt even more if we stayed together much longer, but I can't just make myself stop loving him. I'm trying to just take it day by day, but every night I think about the two of them together and it just kills me. I don't know where to go from here.
Nohbody Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 Your emotions are going to cycle wildly for a while, this is something we've all gone through. It's normal, and it's healthy. Unfortunately, the best thing I can say is that you can ride this out - each cycle it's going to get a little easier. Every day will NOT be better than the last... but's it's like a wave. It's going in a general direction, and that direction is your recovery from heartbreak. Feel free to vent here as much as you need to. There's good advice to be had here, and a lot of support to go around. Good luck, and welcome to hell.
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