Butterflying Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 (edited) A woman approaches my boyfriend at a restaurant while he's waiting to wash his hands in the restroom. It's a small diner with only one restroom. Someone is already in there. I'm sitting nearby at the table, close enough to see and hear what the woman says. She's also waiting to use the restroom. So now a line is forming. "Do you live around here," she asks him. That strikes up a conversation that consist of him making jokes, her laughing extremly loud like she never heard a joke in her life. They like the same music and food. When he starts talking about his parents, she places her hand on his shoulder totally amazed by what he is telling her. "Oh my God my parents are exactly like that too," she says. By then I'd had enough. I walk over to my boyfriend and take his hand. "Lets go. You can wash your hands somewhere else," I say. Of course he comes with me, leaving the woman standing there with her mouth open. She is obviously annoyed that I interrupted them so rudely. My boyfriend and I talk about the situation. He doesn't think the woman was flirting with him. I don't think he was flirting with her. But I totally think she was flirting with him. After all, she approached him first. Who knows if she really needed to use the restroom?? Maybe she saw a cute guy standing alone and ceased the opportunity. Either way, was there anything my boyfriend could have done to avoid that woman's flirting? Should he have told her he had a girlfriend sitting at the next table watching, listening to them? This really made me feel insecure. He understands that. But he says, "Women do that all the time. You'll have to trust me." Was I wrong for interrupting? I'm afraid if I hadn't done something, they would have been exchanging phone numbers or business cards. Then they'd be contacting each other later too. I know this might happen when I'm not around. But it just seems so inappropiate when I witness it. Edited August 27, 2011 by Butterflying
Ginger Beer Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 Well, you can't not have conversations with people just because your girlfriend/boyfriend might think you're flirting, but the touching thing was definite flirting. You don't touch strangers. I don't think he did much wrong, maybe he could've dropped you into the conversation, 'my girlfriend's family is like mine too' or something. I don't know. You're right to be annoyed though, I would be.
Beachgirl8 Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 I don't like his reaction. What would he have wanted you to do if the situation had been reversed?
FitChick Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 the touching thing was definite flirting. You don't touch strangers. I don't think he did much wrong, maybe he could've dropped you into the conversation, 'my girlfriend's family is like mine too' or something. I don't know. You're right to be annoyed though, I would be. I agree with everything you've said.
threebyfate Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 I've seen my husband in a touching situation twice now. When a woman touches him, his face goes stone cold and he looks at her hand like it's poison, enough that the woman withdraws it. Next time, don't claim your guy. Watch what he does. If he continues to welcome the attention, you've got bigger problems than you want to know about. A partner that needs a lot of external validation with poor boundaries, is a partner to be very wary of.
anne1707 Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 I agree with others in that he did not behave well - though he did not behave very badly either. I suppose to an extent it would depend on how good he is on picking up when someone is flirting with him. He may have thought he was just being polite whilst in a queue and he would be back with you in a minute or 2. However I don't think you should have gone over to him. He needs to establish his own boundaries and a man who needs to be "claimed" so that he does not do something wrong is not the kind of man you want to be in a relationship with.
Author Butterflying Posted August 27, 2011 Author Posted August 27, 2011 Next time, don't claim your guy. Watch what he does. If he continues to welcome the attention, you've got bigger problems than you want to know about. A partner that needs a lot of external validation with poor boundaries, is a partner to be very wary of. I think you've hit the nail on the head. I'm not worried about him seeking out external situations. But when opportunities present themselves, he seems to have a difficult time rejecting it. For example, a month ago, he met a girl at a coffee shop in my neighborhood while he was visiting me (we have a long distant relationship). I was at work. Somehow, a conversation ensued between them. She volunteered to give him a tour around the city for the day. He went with her and called me at work to tell me they'd met. I thought nothing of it; in fact I was happy he wasn't spending the whole day alone waiting for me to get off work. It wasn't until a few weeks ago she sent him an email asking what his family and friends thought of how they met because both were strangers and neither knew if the other was a serial killer; but they took a chance and had a great time together. "Let me know the next time your in (my city). We can grab lunch or dinner or something," she wrote in this email. My boyfriend told me about the email. He even let me read it. "Oh my goodness," he said. "That totally caught me off gaurd. I wasn't expecting this becaue it sounds like she wants to date." He is literally asking my advice on how to handle the situation with her. I have no idea what to tell him. Actually I'm upset at having to deal with this at all. Today, he still hasn't replied to that particular girl in my city. So when it happened with a different girl at this restuarant, I could totally see how he gets into these situations. He lets things go too far; and he doesn't say anything about me. I think he means well. But he will have to learn a better way to deal with this stuff. He might sound silly annoucing to people "I have a girlfriend," right away because not every woman he meets will be attracted to him. However, I'm starting to think that might be the only way to deter some of the flirting.
robdrm32 Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 hmm as to the situation with touring the city with a girl he just met, would he have done that with a guy he just met? doubt it seems like he is a very friendly fellow, which is fine but i'm of the opinion that when your out with your SO you shouldn't carry on extended "get to know you" type coversations with the opposite sex. i'm not saying he should never talk to other women who he comes in contact with due to work/school or other obligations but this idea of meeting and getting to know random women in restaurants etc. isn't really becoming of a man in a relationship. i'm not saying he is a bad guy, but you have to decide if you can accept him befriending women he just meets. and again i have to ask does he do that with guys he just met?
carhill Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 As a man, my opinion is, if he is this way with everyone, including men and little old ladies, and not just attractive women, indeed you will have to trust him, or leave him. For him, an engaging, friendly, familiar manner is part of his personality. Some people call that charisma. If he's selective, and that selection is limited to a specific class of women, then I think your concerns are significant and I'd take a hard look at that issue. His selectivity is the abrogation of a reasonable relationship boundary, prioritizing one's SO/spouse. Tell me, have you ever found yourself in similar circumstances when out and about with him, where an unfamiliar male is being friendly with you? If so, did you find his response more protective/territorial or more permissive and laid-back? How did that response make you feel? I recall this happening a few times during my M, prior to my exW and I having marital problems, and my overwhelming response was to become neutral in demeanor because the dynamic caused me to feel uncomfortable but yet I still wanted to be polite. I would engage briefly and then politely excuse myself. Also, wearing a wedding ring was a pretty good signal of my intentions being elsewhere. I'm generally friendly and engaging with everyone, including men and little old ladies. This can include 'jokes' and 'laughing' and 'touching'. Everyone is different.
Author Butterflying Posted August 27, 2011 Author Posted August 27, 2011 (edited) i'm not saying he is a bad guy, but you have to decide if you can accept him befriending women he just meets. and again i have to ask does he do that with guys he just met? This is a good question. We talked about it and he actually told me he wouldn't have accepted the tour offer from a strange guy. Of course guys seldom make these kinds of offers to strange men unless something is up, be it romantic or criminal. He does have a lot of guy friends. I've met most of them. But I've NEVER seen new guys approach him and try to get to know him. He jokes with almost anyone within range of hearing sometimes. But if one person (usually an attractive woman) latches on and takes it further, he engages her. Maybe that's his bait and hook. That's basically how it happened for us. One joke led to a conversation, that led to exchange of business cards, and the rest is history. Edited August 27, 2011 by Butterflying
Janesays Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 If that were my boyfriend, I would have waited until he sat down and said, "Haha! She totally wanted to do you!" and had a good laugh about it.
Author Butterflying Posted August 27, 2011 Author Posted August 27, 2011 If that were my boyfriend, I would have waited until he sat down and said, "Haha! She totally wanted to do you!" and had a good laugh about it. Trust me, I was totally planning to do just that. But this went on for nearly 20 minutes. The person inside the bathroom was taking too long. A line was forming behind my boyfriend and the girl. The manager came to knock on the door and see if the person inside was okay. Of course there were five people standing in line (two other women and one other guy). My boyfriend and this particular woman were the only ones talking. Everyone else was just waiting, watching, and listening to them. An older woman who had seen me interacting with my boyfriend before all this occured. She was sitting at a different table. I noticed her look at him while he carried on with the woman in line. Then she looked at me. The look on her face revealed surprise that I was just sitting there. I just smiled at her and looked away. She shook her head in awe. But then I felt embarrassed at having other people witness this situation that could be easily be viewed as disrespectful of me.
OnyxSnowfall Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 (edited) I've been in situations similar to yours, only I was in your boyfriend's position I was just naturally rather passive and would be "nice" to strangers. I think it came down to being unaware of how to properly reject those that were interested in more. I went through a phase of over-compensating with it by being outright rude and harsh and then I finally found a sweeter spot lol... if a man approaches me now, even if it's just light banter with motives that aren't really apparent, I just respond shortly and politely and draw my attention elsewhere. The men that persist beyond that almost always ask for some way to contact me and I just decline with a "I'm sorry, I'm not available". Some say some cheesy thing like "OH your man's lucky then" but sometimes they will respond with, "oh no no no, I was just looking to make new friends" and while it's admittedly very awkward, I just apologize and wish them luck in their endeavor. Maybe your boyfriend just needs to learn his boundaries with other people. My own boyfriend was very uncomfortable with my "inability" to deter others. I like to think I've come a long ways =p... I wasn't ever interested in anyone else sexually, although there were times where I enjoyed the attention and times where it did go beyond the flirting on their parts (i.e, I gave them a way to contact me). I never hid any of it, because I really wasn't interested in having anything else with someone else. It still took me awhile to realize how it was affecting my partner... and then it did take some work. The fact is, some flirting has an intent beyond flirting and it's just very disrespectful to encourage/allow/engage in that while in an exclusive relationship. I don't do it when my boyfriend isn't around now either. It helped that my boyfriend pointed out how he felt and how it wasn't right to him. I think if your boyfriend cares about how you feel, he'll find a way to deal with it. Touching is just... yeah. Edited August 27, 2011 by OnyxSnowfall
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