itsforthebest Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 Hello, I need everyone's help please!! My lover is overseas to study 6 months and so we have entered a LD relationship. It is difficult to say when we can see each other next, so it could be > 6 months, it will most likely be within 11 months. One month into it, I initiated an open relationship (perhaps in haste), as I wanted to see how he'd response and primarily because I thought it would be very difficult to stay committed for up to a year, given our circumstances. I brought up the option for it to be open, as I know he loves me, but I understand he is abroad studying and will meet many girls etc, and would rather give him the freedom to do as he pleases, rather than me having to worring incessantly about whether he is lying to me. We have both said that we believe people may come and go, but we can ride it out and that we are the ones that want to share our lives together. Anyway, about 4 days later, he sent me a sad love song and said it was more or less how he felt "It's not over, I could have given you more" etc, etc... But then he later acknowledged it was best option, as a committed relationship could destroy us and we would be constantly suspicious etc..and the other option is to forget the relationship completely and he said he could not and would not allow that to be our fate. Anyhow.. 4 days after I initiated this openness, stating.. "if we happen to meet someone or, someone else comes along, then that's the way it is meant to be" etc.. I realised he has since contacted his ex gf via facebook.. there has been no contact via facebook on his wall for nearly 18 months since they broke up, but I have noticed she asked him how it is being overseas etc and he is calling her sweet pet names in Italian, that he calls me.. and she thanked him for all the Italian songs that he sent her..from Italian love singers!! He then said you will have mail from me soon, little one, kisses. Of course my heart was breaking inside my chest!! I mean... the worst I thought would happen is.. he might date some girl or kiss a girl, but not develop any feelings that would rival what he has with me!! But to go back to his ex.... that is really not what I expected.. He tells me he wants to marry me and spend his life with me.. sends me letter, sweet poems and songs.. but now I feel distrusting and suspicious of his true feelings.. was I just a pawn in his game, in order to inflict pain on his ex that cheated on him?????? What do I do? Confront him? Their conversation was in Italian & he will know that I had translated it..which i'm not entirely bothered about, I will just say I was not expecting to find anything of that nature, but I did.. Should I sit & wait, presume the best, and continue to love him and hope that perhaps he rashly contacted his ex as he might have taken me initiating the open relationship as me losing interest.. or me intending to break it off from him? Or should I openly confront him and ask, what the hell, why are you calling her sweetness etc?!
FitChick Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 Since you don't have an exclusive relationship, it's none of your business. Why don't you start dating someone and let him know about it? Where is his ex gf now? Would he be returning to you or have the option to live where he is now?
Author itsforthebest Posted August 27, 2011 Author Posted August 27, 2011 I feel it is my business.. as we have each others hearts, regardless of whether we have the occasional night whereby we... satisfy our sexual needs you could say.. I mean a year is a long time.. But he has said he wants to marry me.. and sees our future together and recently sent me an email describing some different options about how we can be together in the future, me study there, he come to work here etc.. So I still feel betrayed/questioning.. but maybe you are right.. I gave him that freedom as a privilege but assumed our loyalty towards each other would be stronger to do something like that on his part so soon.. but yes in the past, I have reacted in similiar ways out of hurt or anger.. only later to calm down and think.. I really jumped to conclusions.. and yes within 6 months, he would return to his home country where his ex gf is at present.. but I don't ask questions about her, but it is of my understanding.. she has been living in Italy with him.. met there when they were studying.. but she is originally from France.. so I guess they might also encounter difficulties if they were to try and make something work.
HeavenOrHell Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 It sounds like you hurt him by suggesting an open r/ship, a year is no time at all to wait for somebody if the distance will be over then. I guess you got a response to it, but not the one you were hoping for. >One month into it, I initiated an open relationship (perhaps in haste), as I wanted to see how he'd response and primarily because I thought it would be very difficult to stay committed for up to a year, given our circumstances.<
woinlove Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 Open relationships which work are typically based on lots of open communication, including discussions of exactly what type of situations both people feel good about and which ones they don't. Sounds like you didn't do much of that and now you have a situation you feel bad about. I always advocate openness and honesty, so I would suggest you talking about it. He likely doesn't understand why you wanted an open R and he could be hurt, puzzled, wondering how committed you really are or he could be thinking, well its open now, so what would interest me, and his ex comes to mind without him thinking through the consequences - i.e. that he once had deep feelings and might again. Communicate, communicate, communicate if this R is important to you.
madjac74 Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 So you gave your BF a "bang anyone for free" card so you wouldn't be worrying about him cheating and you wouldn't be suspicious? Yet you are stalking his facebook seeing what he is up to? Talk about your ultimate backfire! I can't imagine allowing someone I love to openly date others and I can't imagine that person agreeing with it. I would go completely mad thinking about her with someone else. And if its a case of satisfying sexual needs (Which no one actually needs sex) then masturbate!
LittleTiger Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 If you're unhappy with the direction your relationship has taken, then you need to talk to your boyfriend. If you don't want him seeing other people, tell him you've changed your mind, you didn't realise how much it would hurt you and you want him all to yourself. He may or may not agree but you have nothing to lose by telling him how you really feel.
AlobarKudra Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 you're asking for it. it will never work this way. see it as a test you initiated and you're lucky to find out how he still or again feels about ex-gf. don't deceive yourself, he told you he wanted to marry you, that sounds great but wait if you guys can stay together for a year, that is the real sign that both of you mean it seriously. don't know about your situation but if there's strong love there is often a way to find the means and a way to see each other... if both of you think you mean so much to each other. also agree with previous post, it's non of your business what he does from now on, even though you can be smart and use the information, not to throw a tantrum and be dramatic but to assess the new and ongoing situation! so, make up your mind, sit back, get your own satisfaction whenever and observe or get back together exclusively.. in a way a nice test, you really see how much he feels for you. you could also tell him you'll stay loyal but you understand if he cannot do that. that would really show what's going on..
FitChick Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 He said he wanted to marry you. Where is the engagement ring? Talk is cheap. There is no harm going to visit him a few times.
Author itsforthebest Posted August 28, 2011 Author Posted August 28, 2011 I am 22, he's older... I said no are you crazy, when he suggested it.. I am too young and have other things I want to do with my life first, plus you can't have a wedding without money, and money is something I don't have enough of at my age. I still love him regardless, but don't feel the need to have to marry him to prove it... he suggested it as a ways and means to be with me.. as he has researched and found it very difficult to get working visas in my country.
breakfastmeat Posted August 30, 2011 Posted August 30, 2011 Well, you called for an open relationship, you got one.
FitChick Posted August 31, 2011 Posted August 31, 2011 he has researched and found it very difficult to get working visas in my country. That's a bit of a red flag, isn't it? Marrying someone for a work visa?
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