missoz Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 Just found this site today and after reading some of the posts and recognizing some situations that are similiar to my own, have registered and would like to share my story. My Husband and I moved to a new country just over 2 years ago, we had lived abroad before and have always been up for a challenge, we have been married 30 years and have 3 kids, I am mid forties, he is 49. We have had a very normal, loving relationship with the usual ups and downs of a long term relationship. He was always very thoughtful and very family orientated and I felt very loved and adored by him. He employed a woman from Indonesia to work on his team. he would come home from the office with tales of this woman the odd things she would say and do. and we would have a laugh about it. I met her and could understand what he meant she was loud and at times inappropriate. my husband and I thought maybe it was just cultural, we had not come accross many people from Indonesia. It was very obvious that she fancied my husband, I did not feel threatened by this we were happy and both thought she was a odd in both looks and personality, she is a very strange looking woman. As time went on she would bring him gifts in, cook lunches for him and on his birthday organised a cake and presents at the office, non of this worried me , I realise now alarm bells should have been ringing. After about 9 months we were all out in a group and something about her behaviour concerned me and I felt she was not just being friendly, but actually had a hidden agenda ( I now know this to be true ) I told my husband what I felt, he was shocked and appeared to be keen to do anything to alleviete my fears. He left that job and agreed to forward me in on any emails he recieved from her. She mailed him regularly and after 2 months got a job for the same company, I was devastated and just wanted her to disappear. We had many rows over the next 6 months as he would not acknowledge how I felt, wanted me to stop going on about it and for us to be back to normal ! My gut feeling always told me she was dangerous and I did nothing about it as I trusted my husband, I was wrong. He left me Dec2010, saying he could not deal with the way I had been over the last 6 months, it didnt add up, I felt she had involvement, he denied this. He blamed me for the breakup, I never accepted this and after months I discovered she had left her husband and they were indeed with each other. He still denies having an affair and says he got together with her after we split, I do not believe this. He has very little to do with our children and is unrecognizable from the man I have been with for 32 years. I do not know quite what to do , I think I am still in shock, it is very difficult as I am in a different country with no close friends or family, and I feel very angry with him for leaving me in this situation. I also feel desperately sad at the loss of our relationship its such a waste and our children are so shocked and devastated. Part of me thinks he has had a massive mid-life crisis and after reading some of the posts today I do believe he had an emotional affair before it became physical. I have since learnt from people that worked with the two of them that she had not been happy in her marriage for a while and was irritated that my husband spoke about me and the kids in a loving way ! She had said she wanted a boyfriend and that she wanted it to be him ! He did not know any of this, I have only found this out recently from shocked co worker who have said they only ever saw my husband as a commited family man. Having said all that I still love him and wonder if he will regret all of this in time. I am finding it very difficult to move on, I cant stop thinking about all of our happy times together.
wilsonx Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 You know what, you did everything that you could do honestly in this situation. You trusted your husband of 30+ years. Its a terrible situation but in the end its not your fault. No matter what he says, its not your fault. He's trying to sluff the blame on you. I can not comprehend 30+ year relationship and what to do in your situation but its time to start worrying about you. Find things that you enjoy doing and have always wanted to do and start doing those. Maybe move back to your home country start over there. You were right about the emotional affair. I consider that just the same as physical cheating because it can cause a relationship to crumble just the same.
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