mendsley Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 I need some advice from you guys, I have been separated from my ex for about 3 years. When we separated my son, who is 11, went to live with his mother and has been there ever since. Well I get him for the summers and this summer he decided to live with me. So he has been here for about 3 weeks officially living with me and he already wants to move back. The problem is he feels like my girlfriend takes all my time from him, we spend time together, but it's always with him around. We watch movies, go swimming, and other things. She has three kids and at first he got along with them just fine, but now he doesn't like them. I asked if anything happened between him and the kids to change how he feels about them and he said no, just that they are brats. I told him I would work with him and we can have one week day night and one weekend night that is all ours and he feels that is not enough. I can't just not stop spending time with my girlfriend or she will kick me to the curb. I guess you need to spend time with your "other" or they frown on that. In a few weeks my son and I are moving in together for about 3.5 months to save up to lease a bigger house which will allow him to have his own room. He does not like the idea moving in with her AT ALL! He feels like I love my girlfriend more than him, which I told him that is not the case and he knows it. So I don't know if I should give in and get rid of my girlfriend which I do not want to do because we are very happy together and I feel blessed to have her in my life. I feel like he needs to see me happy with someone and he can't just make demands and use going back home as a punishment to me if he doesn't get what he wants. I have told him how I feel about her and him, and that he needs to help me come up with a plan we both can like. What do you guys think? How would you handle this? Thanks
FeelingSmall Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 This is SUCH a difficult thing to deal with. Your son is acting out. He's understandable angry that he no longer has his family unit and hedoesn't get to spend as much time with you. Or his mom and now not only does he have to share you with a new "mom" but has other kids that he has to compete with. It's not easy. I can only tell you how this was dealt with in my home. 15 years ago I was your son. My mother remarried, moved me to another country to live with her new husband and his two daughters. It was rough, I was miserable and made every attempt possible to show it. They ignored me when I acted out, my step father would be increasingly kind to me and I eventually did get along with his kids. It takes time, and I was VERY bitter about having to share my mother. The only thing I can tell you is that I personally grew out of it. I was a terror though. I wanted to move back to Canada and never missed an opportunity to let everyone know it. I wouldn't give up your relationship. I think given enough time, love and attention from both you and your gf he will come around, but don't think it will be quickly. You are entitled to love also and a life. Remember, one day your son will be grown and will leave the nest just like I did. I'm happy my mother isn't alone...
visualbasicide Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 This is SUCH a difficult thing to deal with. Your son is acting out. He's understandable angry that he no longer has his family unit and hedoesn't get to spend as much time with you. Or his mom and now not only does he have to share you with a new "mom" but has other kids that he has to compete with. It's not easy. I can only tell you how this was dealt with in my home. 15 years ago I was your son. My mother remarried, moved me to another country to live with her new husband and his two daughters. It was rough, I was miserable and made every attempt possible to show it. They ignored me when I acted out, my step father would be increasingly kind to me and I eventually did get along with his kids. It takes time, and I was VERY bitter about having to share my mother. The only thing I can tell you is that I personally grew out of it. I was a terror though. I wanted to move back to Canada and never missed an opportunity to let everyone know it. I wouldn't give up your relationship. I think given enough time, love and attention from both you and your gf he will come around, but don't think it will be quickly. You are entitled to love also and a life. Remember, one day your son will be grown and will leave the nest just like I did. I'm happy my mother isn't alone... ^ that. Everyone has to compromise, including your son. One day the kids will all be gone and it will be you or you and your significant other. You are doing everything you can to respect his boundaries by getting him his own room, he also has to respect your boundaries, again, compromise. I think it will help when he has his own personal space too, he ends up with a safe zone if the other kids bug him too much.
threebyfate Posted September 8, 2011 Posted September 8, 2011 I noticed your views are coming from yourself and your son. I'm not noticing any views from your girlfriend and her children. How do they feel about your son? And do their views align with how you view them treating your son?
rubyjuly Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 you said that you spend time with your gf, but its always with him around..to me that indicates the priority is more on your gf, it should be the other way around, i.e. 'i spend time with my son, and sometimes my gf is around' nothing wrong w having a girlfriend, but by no way should she be the main priority, he should be,. I dont mean that you should spoil him and not spend any time w your gf..just simply that your focus and concern should be first and namely w your young son, and be w your gf as you can after that.. my brothers gf's parents divorced when she was a baby,..when she got to be about 5 her mom met someone, but she made it clear that her daugther would need to be the priority...the first guy drifted off bc he didnt respect her responsibility to be a parent first...a few years later she met someone who understood that, as my b rothers gf got older and became a teenager they had more time together, and ended up marrying..gf's may come and go, but your own child is the only one you get and any gf worth keeping will be more than understanding of that, in fact, a gf worth keeping would WANT you to make your son your priority
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