Has anyone participated in a "post mortem" with their ex after a breakup?

[Tybalt]

My ex boyfriend dumped me rather abruptly a couple of weeks ago after an intense but relatively short relationship. He told me he just "wasn't feeling it" and in so many words, I was great but "something was going on with him" which I interpreted as the classic "it's not you, it's me." When I asked how this abrupt turnabout happened, he said he didn't know what to tell me.

 

Since then we've had little contact, mostly small talk-type text. He has a dvd of mine which I forgot about and he offered to get it back to me. I suggested leaving it on my porch, but it never materialized.

 

Yesterday I sent a text on the heels of a couple of casual texts, that I wasn't happy about the ending and that I didn't understand why his feelings and intent changed toward me, however I accept it. I said I am moving on and I'm sorry things turned out this way, but I trust it is for the best. I didn't get a response until today, when I sent a text saying I hoped he'd be safe, since he is traveling on the east coast and the hurricane is approaching. He thanked me for my concern, then with reference to my last text that he understood how I feel, and we could get together and talk about it when he got back to town.

 

My first reaction is wha-a-a-t? I've never had a guy, at least not in a shorter term relationship, dump me then suggest we meet to discuss it two weeks later. I really don't get it. If it is going to be a laundry list of the things that ultimately turned him off about me, it doesn't sound like a very good idea. I suppose I have invited something like this by continuing to engage him, but I am working my process and didn't feel like the communication was holding me back from that. I'm taken off guard though. I figured I'd say my piece for closure for myself, and be done with it, and he'd likely ignore me, not suggest we talk about it?

[dreamingoftigers]

I'd do it, but only out of morbid curiosity. And it would probably hurt a lot.

[Hot Chick]

I would not meet with him and the best thing is to just not contact him whatsoever. Maybe you should even delete him from your mobile phone. You are still hurting from it, and meeting with him is only going to make it hurt more. I mean, what could he say? He would probably say something like "I just wasn't feeling the spark..." or something of the like.

You might even end up in bed if you meet with him again, but that will only confuse you and hurt you even more when he still does not want a relationship.

It is best to have a lot of time without contact whatsoever with him. If he texts you, I wouldn't even reply. Not contacting him doesn't mean making an announcement "I am having no contact with you, I need it to heal, please respect that..." Just stop contact cold turkey. In fact, an announcement just makes you less attractive in that you are hanging on to the relationship. If you stop contact altogether, he might just think "Hmmmmm, what's up with her? Has she met someone else already?" etc.

If he has a change of heart, he needs to do a grand gesture as in bring you flowers, beg for forgiveness for being a jerk, etc. and if he does do this, be very cautious....in fact I would not become intimate with him for quite a while until you have regained trust in him and the relationship.

[genmut]

I'm in a similar situation. I just got dumped out of the blue 3 weeks ago a day after she told me she loved me. She gave reasons and blamed it all on me, but they didn't make any sense. I could have said my piece about it but I didn't - all I said was that I couldn't accept some of the things she said and that I was trying to heal.

There are so many unanswered questions and many a time I've been tempted to do a post mortem with her but I'm inclined to think it's only going to erase my progress in getting on with life. Sometimes people just don't know what they want.

[Take-a-hint]

I can understand how disappointed you are. It never feels good to be dumped. But there is also a lot of stress to be had when you are the person doing the dumping. From what you said, it sounds like he may have been stuggling with getting up the courage to tell you. It's very likely that he has respect for you, but, as he said, he doesn't "feel the spark". You can't choose the ones you love. It sucks for both sides..really.

 

Too many times I've been in a situation where I was dating someone, thought it was going great...then all of a sudden...they disappeared. No explanation....nothing. That was heart wrenching. I was so hurt. Not to mention...I had so many questions that were not going to get answered. No closure at all.

 

Not all the people that do the dumping are jerks. I've been on both sides. It's never pleasant. It takes courage to "man up" or "woman up" and tell the other person that the relationship isn't working for them.

 

I know it isn't desirable for you, but it seems like he wants to help ease the shock of the decision he made by being willing to talk to you about it. Maybe he is unsure of his decision or maybe he is just trying to simply make himself feel better about it.

 

Anyway, that's just my opinion. I'm sorry he disappointed you. I wouldn't think too much into why he is willing to talk to you about it though. It would be better for you to accept his decision and distance yourself from him as much as possible.

[Tybalt]

I'm inclined to agree with distancing myself as much as possible. Admittedly, I am curious as well - and because I'm trying to be honest with myself and look to develop myself as a person, I was feeling tempted to consider the feedback. But at what emotional cost? And the fact is, what turned him off might not bother someone else. In fact, the right person for me, who truly cares, might even find the same things endearing. I'm not sure that experiencing the rejection all over again, with more detail, would be helpful, particularly since his assessment of me is necessarily subjective.

 

I think it is better to put this behind me, fully accept that we are not right for each other, and concentrate on pursuing the dreams I have for myself. One thing this particular breakup has done is to encourage me to stop putting off things I enjoy or want until later. I want to be happy, and having that dependent on anyone other than myself is a recipe for misery! So I am trying to dream a little bigger and open my mind to the possibilities for my life.

 

It's a fact that I will see him around, as he and I go to the same gym and we are both there often. But I'm not going to stress about it. I'm going to ignore the offer to meet, plan to be cordial, and get on with living!

[Take-a-hint]

I'm inclined to agree with distancing myself as much as possible. Admittedly, I am curious as well - and because I'm trying to be honest with myself and look to develop myself as a person, I was feeling tempted to consider the feedback. But at what emotional cost? And the fact is, what turned him off might not bother someone else. In fact, the right person for me, who truly cares, might even find the same things endearing. I'm not sure that experiencing the rejection all over again, with more detail, would be helpful, particularly since his assessment of me is necessarily subjective.

 

I think it is better to put this behind me, fully accept that we are not right for each other, and concentrate on pursuing the dreams I have for myself. One thing this particular breakup has done is to encourage me to stop putting off things I enjoy or want until later. I want to be happy, and having that dependent on anyone other than myself is a recipe for misery! So I am trying to dream a little bigger and open my mind to the possibilities for my life.

 

It's a fact that I will see him around, as he and I go to the same gym and we are both there often. But I'm not going to stress about it. I'm going to ignore the offer to meet, plan to be cordial, and get on with living!

 

 

I'm not convinced, at all, that you are going to walk away from him quietly...maybe verbally quiet, but being in the same vicinity is brutal to your feelings. You go to the same gym?...Ugh!! Do you think you could stand in the same room with him and not feel hurt and flustered? Having that kind of habitual contact spells disaster...if you ask me.

 

I think you are a smart and sincere woman and have a good head on your shoulders. But you have to factor in that you are hurt and confused right now. As with all of us who have been disappointed...we all hope that if we remain around, even if by matter of a gym contract, there is hope, but it's inevitable...you will, most definately, get a false sense of hope. It's torturous and almost always ends in disaster and makes you available for further disappointment.

 

At all costs...STAY AWAY FROM HIM!! Unfortunately...the ball is way in his court now...bow out quietly...find another schedule or something...it doesn't sound like you can be just friends, much less acquaintances with this guy.

[ThsAmericanLife]

I'm inclined to agree with distancing myself as much as possible. Admittedly, I am curious as well - and because I'm trying to be honest with myself and look to develop myself as a person, I was feeling tempted to consider the feedback. But at what emotional cost? And the fact is, what turned him off might not bother someone else. In fact, the right person for me, who truly cares, might even find the same things endearing. I'm not sure that experiencing the rejection all over again, with more detail, would be helpful, particularly since his assessment of me is necessarily subjective.

 

I think it is better to put this behind me, fully accept that we are not right for each other, and concentrate on pursuing the dreams I have for myself. One thing this particular breakup has done is to encourage me to stop putting off things I enjoy or want until later. I want to be happy, and having that dependent on anyone other than myself is a recipe for misery! So I am trying to dream a little bigger and open my mind to the possibilities for my life.

 

It's a fact that I will see him around, as he and I go to the same gym and we are both there often. But I'm not going to stress about it. I'm going to ignore the offer to meet, plan to be cordial, and get on with living!

 

If he doesn't have a history of being inconsiderate or abusive, then absolutely... I'd welcome the opportunity for feedback.

 

I take this approach in my business too. If someone says 'no' or for some reason, hasn't done business with me in a while, I will always solicit feedback.

 

You might want to establish a few groundrules in advance though, and make sure that whatever feedback he is offering is as objective and actionable as possible.

 

This shouldn't be his opportunity to do some wholesale dumping or venting for general characteristics you have no control over. For instance, stuff like:

 

I wish you had bigger/smaller boobs

I wish you were taller/shorter

I wish you were some other ethnicity

I wish you were skinnier/heavier

 

blah, blah...

 

Stuff like that. Things that he knew when he decided to become 'intimate' with you.

[ThsAmericanLife]

...one more thing... he has to be willing to accept feedback too.

 

If not, then I agree with the other posters. This might not be a constructive exercise.

 

Overall, I can't say I've ever had a very negative experience from getting feedback or giving it after a breakup.

 

On the other hand... if I REALLY don't like a guy, I'll avoid giving him any feedback. Why should I help him up his game or do better next time?

[genmut]

Perhaps you should join a different gym if you think this is going to hamper your recovery. You need to recover, at all costs. Put that above everything else.

[bluenightowl]

My ex boyfriend dumped me rather abruptly a couple of weeks ago after an intense but relatively short relationship. He told me he just "wasn't feeling it" and in so many words, I was great but "something was going on with him" which I interpreted as the classic "it's not you, it's me." When I asked how this abrupt turnabout happened, he said he didn't know what to tell me.

 

Since then we've had little contact, mostly small talk-type text. He has a dvd of mine which I forgot about and he offered to get it back to me. I suggested leaving it on my porch, but it never materialized.

 

Yesterday I sent a text on the heels of a couple of casual texts, that I wasn't happy about the ending and that I didn't understand why his feelings and intent changed toward me, however I accept it. I said I am moving on and I'm sorry things turned out this way, but I trust it is for the best. I didn't get a response until today, when I sent a text saying I hoped he'd be safe, since he is traveling on the east coast and the hurricane is approaching. He thanked me for my concern, then with reference to my last text that he understood how I feel, and we could get together and talk about it when he got back to town.

 

My first reaction is wha-a-a-t? I've never had a guy, at least not in a shorter term relationship, dump me then suggest we meet to discuss it two weeks later. I really don't get it. If it is going to be a laundry list of the things that ultimately turned him off about me, it doesn't sound like a very good idea. I suppose I have invited something like this by continuing to engage him, but I am working my process and didn't feel like the communication was holding me back from that. I'm taken off guard though. I figured I'd say my piece for closure for myself, and be done with it, and he'd likely ignore me, not suggest we talk about it?

 

I think he was just responding to your comment that you didn't know why his feelings had changed and offered to explain why. I would be delighted if that happened esp. if it can help you. I did it once and while everything was polite, however it never made me feel better except for the first day.

 

I think the no contact approach is better overall and also you will look better to him as well. Its kinda will make him feel even more empowered.

 

Also I've also done a post-mortem for someone else once and I'm pretty sure it just brought all the feelings rushing back for them. You also have to keep in mind the person might lie to make you feel better, so you never really find out the truth.

 

Most of the time I think this is just a process of finding a way to hold on.

[SillyS]

I actually tried doing this myself. I asked him to skype me, and well while he was reluctant, we did. But I gave some practical stuff that needed to be sorted out as the real reason for the encounter.

 

When I saw him, I knew that he was still blaming everything on me, and that his attitude was still good riddance. So I backed off, and said what I needed but then for some reason he asked me how I was doing and we talked for like 2 hours like we didn't just break up a few months ago. It was surreal and totally nuts.

 

My conclusion is, that you will probably never know why something happened and a lot of people are not strong enough to tell us the real reasons of what scared or pushed them away in the end. We never get answers, and I would go but really feel it out. If you notice it's because you sometimes touch your ear when you talk, then walk out and say, well thanks for meeting me. But if he opens up about his personality or tells you what dynamics where not working for him, then stay and listen and hopefully learn from him why the two of you are incompatible. I promise you, it's just weird that any man that dumps a woman would agree to this because when they make that switch from girlfriend to ex, they typically place us at the bottom of the list and consider encounters with us burdens and miserable for their own existence.

[ThsAmericanLife]

I'm alright with any and all of the above.... because even if the guy acts like an *ss, I'll be doing my own internal post-mortem on him and getting information on how I might have been attracted to someone like that in the first place.

 

I'm always polite... I don't become defensive... but also don't let myself be a doormat either (no matter who did the breaking up).

 

Nearly always there is some bit of information that helps me move on in one way or another when a post-mortem is done.

 

Most of the time the person isn't a jerk at all though... and I/we can walk away with feelings less hurt... with more understanding/forgiveness... and maybe, just maybe, a potential friend. Not everyone is meant to be.

 

If they end up being a friend, that is almost as good.

[Feelsgoodman]

My first reaction is wha-a-a-t? I've never had a guy, at least not in a shorter term relationship, dump me then suggest we meet to discuss it two weeks later. I really don't get it. If it is going to be a laundry list of the things that ultimately turned him off about me, it doesn't sound like a very good idea. I suppose I have invited something like this by continuing to engage him, but I am working my process and didn't feel like the communication was holding me back from that. I'm taken off guard though. I figured I'd say my piece for closure for myself, and be done with it, and he'd likely ignore me, not suggest we talk about it?

My guess is that he can sense that you are not over him and wants to facilitate your moving on.

[EnigmaticClarity]

This shouldn't be his opportunity to do some wholesale dumping or venting for general characteristics you have no control over. For instance, stuff like:

 

I wish you had bigger/smaller boobs

I wish you were taller/shorter

I wish you were some other ethnicity

I wish you were skinnier/heavier

 

blah, blah...

 

Stuff like that. Things that he knew when he decided to become 'intimate' with you.

 

I've always tried to share likes and dislikes with someone trying to break up; it helps you figure out what your problems are so you can strive not to repeat them in your next relationship. The exception is I always insist neither person shares anything they didn't like that the other person can't control, which includes most of your list above. The one exception is weight--if that's something that was holding the relationship back, it should be stated since it is something you can control. Commenting on physical attributes you can't change is just cheap and immature.

[Tybalt]

As an update, I'm now slightly more nonplussed. I never responded to the "offer" to meet to discuss the breakup, and only addressed the pleasantries otherwise communicated. Then I did not initiate further contact. However, last night I was out, and received a text message from my ex offering to meet up that evening, if it worked for me. I think it is strange that he would press the issue when I never gave any indication that I was interested in doing the post mortem.

 

I have not responded to the latest message and am not sure how to do so. I am doing pretty well, but I don't have full confidence that sitting down with him wouldn't stir up some feelings. At this point I am not clear on his motives, either.

[EnigmaticClarity]

I have not responded to the latest message and am not sure how to do so. I am doing pretty well, but I don't have full confidence that sitting down with him wouldn't stir up some feelings. At this point I am not clear on his motives, either.

 

Don't you want to know what his issues were? He may tell you something that can help you to avoid conflict in future relationships--that's why I always try to do post-mortems.

[EasyHeart]

As an update, I'm now slightly more nonplussed. I never responded to the "offer" to meet to discuss the breakup, and only addressed the pleasantries otherwise communicated. Then I did not initiate further contact. However, last night I was out, and received a text message from my ex offering to meet up that evening, if it worked for me. I think it is strange that he would press the issue when I never gave any indication that I was interested in doing the post mortem.

 

I have not responded to the latest message and am not sure how to do so. I am doing pretty well, but I don't have full confidence that sitting down with him wouldn't stir up some feelings. At this point I am not clear on his motives, either.

My guess is that he was just trying to be nice, since you were obviously caught unaware and felt hurt.

 

If you're doing better now, I think it would be best NOT to meet with him. It will certainly stir up old feelings and undo the healing that you've done. No contact is the only way to heal a broken heart!

[GivenUp0083]

Maybe there actually is a chance that the "something with him" is actually true (men don't lie as much as women in relationships). So maybe instead of just walking away, he realizes that you didn't want things to end and he wants to try and explain them to you. I can't say if this means he'll give it another shot or not, but at least he's willing to communicate, so maybe it is a personal issue with him that is keeping him from dating you anymore and it just might not have anything to do with you.

 

Just meet him and see what he says. What do you have to lose?

[Tybalt]

I just returned from the "post mortem." He basically told me I was fantastic and didn't do anything wrong. He said he got overwhelmed and scared. In his words he's "a mess" - I have never seen him like this. He was visibly rattled and his hands were literally shaking, which he admitted to more than once.

 

It ended up being a three hour visit. I'd insisted on making the visit during the day and in a public place. That was a help as there are clearly still a lot of feelings between us and it needed to stay contained.

 

I told him that I take responsibility for heaping crazy intense expectations on him and the relationship too quickly. He took responsibility for doing the same. We agreed that things went much too fast. I told him I only wished he'd shared with me how he was feeling - that he got scared and was afraid to hurt me, and left me at choice as to how to respond to that. He apologized and said I was absolutely right and that was the proper way to have handled it.

 

He said he's missed me and even pushing me away and not seeing me hasn't helped that. Said he could barely look me in the eye and he was sorry, and that he is completely attracted to me. He is indicating wanting to see me again. I told him I need to process. Er, wow.

[visualbasicide]

I personally think you two should put some distance, work on yourselves and see if maybe you can try things again down the road. I don't know. It just sounds like everyone has some personal issues to deal with and trying to do that while in the demands of a relationship makes a recipe for disaster.

 

Then again if you two agree, take things VERY slowly. The idea of not being able to tell someone how I feel is alien to me though. I either feel this way or that, more or less. I just don't think fast paced intense relationships are healthy. Too much gets overlooked in the process and later when everything starts getting noticed, bad things happen to good people. Just sayin.

[Tybalt]

I absolutely agree on the "too fast" being a bad thing. It has very rarely happened to me that I've gotten caught up in something like this. The last time it did was ten years ago, and I ended up in a horrible marriage over it. Right now, I think I need to continue operating the way I have for the past few weeks, and focus on making my life what I want it to be, on my own.

 

My heart aches for him but I do not want to set up another failure. If it is real, it will keep while he sorts through what led him come close then cut and run, and I sort through the nature of my relationship expectations and make sure I'm doing a good job of making myself happy, without dependence on the presence or behavior of someone else.

 

I think it's going to take a little time to process this turn of events. Never was I expecting him to tell me how much he still cared for me, was attracted to me, and to apologize like this. Not when his initial reason for the breakup was "not feeling it." He said today that it was more that he was feeling too much.

[Tybalt]

Well, it has been almost a month since the "post mortem" which actually seems to have turned into a somewhat "back together" situation. Since that day, he has been asking me out regularly, wanting to spend time with me often, telling me how beautiful I am and how much he likes me, and communicating with me daily. The night before last, we were together talking and he made a statement as we were joking around about something, saying "Yeah and then I could tell so-and-so how my girlfriend blah blah" referring to me. I called him on it and said, "What, so I'm your girlfriend now?" and he said, "Fine, my blah-blah-lengthy and ridiculous description of our activities together partner." It was a lighthearted exchange, and he is not demanding anything of me. We have talked a lot about how what he did before hurt me, how I am cautious, and that I have concerns about his "cut and run" decision, rather than choosing to communicate his fears. He keeps saying, "Give it time,only time will tell" and that he understands my concerns. He has also said that he doesn't think he is that way as a pattern.

 

So, I am trying to maintain my cool. I have no interest in seeing other people, though I have forced myself to exchange occasional emails with other guys (which I am open with him about doing). A couple of my girlfriends aren't too thrilled about the fact that I am seeing him again and encourage me to keep possibilities open in my mind. I want to trust him, and honestly I'd like to be his girlfriend. My fear is that if I invest more emotionally in him, he will get scared again. I know I've survived it before and could again. Part of me doesn't want to look like the idiot who got fooled twice, part of me doesn't want the heartache if he bails again. Can this turn out for the good? Perhaps I should take a step back again until I feel a little more in control of myself emotionally? At this rate, I think I'm falling for him again, and I don't want to lose my perspective.