both married

[myheartisdying]

Here is the short of it:

 

We haven't done anything except flirt at work, but I know how it feels to be cheated on because my husband has done it to me, so I don't know why I can't resist.

We meet up after work here or there to just say hi.

We met up last week while I was shopping and it's just like flirty talking going on.

Last night he came to my place and was nervous the whole time because his wife had called him. He stayed for an hour, and we just talked and hung out. I drove him to his car, and wanted to kiss him so bad, so I did, and he didn't really get into it, because he was paranoid we'd get caught.

I haven't heard from him today but he IS on vacation. I told him "you don't have to kiss me if you don't want to", and he said he was just really nervous that someone would see us. I said, "I'm sorry, now i feel like an ASS!" he said, "don't worry about it," but should I?

 

YES, i KNOW cheating is wrong and that everyone is going to give me the whole ass-chewing thing, but can anyone that's been in this situation tell me if you think there is a chance this can continue or if I ruined it by kissing him before he kissed me? I know I'm ridic, but just give me advice without biting my head off please... thanks

[woinlove]

Here is the short of it:

 

We haven't done anything except flirt at work, but I know how it feels to be cheated on because my husband has done it to me, so I don't know why I can't resist.

We meet up after work here or there to just say hi.

We met up last week while I was shopping and it's just like flirty talking going on.

Last night he came to my place and was nervous the whole time because his wife had called him. He stayed for an hour, and we just talked and hung out. I drove him to his car, and wanted to kiss him so bad, so I did, and he didn't really get into it, because he was paranoid we'd get caught.

I haven't heard from him today but he IS on vacation. I told him "you don't have to kiss me if you don't want to", and he said he was just really nervous that someone would see us. I said, "I'm sorry, now i feel like an ASS!" he said, "don't worry about it," but should I?

 

YES, i KNOW cheating is wrong and that everyone is going to give me the whole ass-chewing thing, but can anyone that's been in this situation tell me if you think there is a chance this can continue or if I ruined it by kissing him before he kissed me? I know I'm ridic, but just give me advice without biting my head off please... thanks

 

What do you want - an affair as a way of ending your marriage or an affair but staying married? I doubt you ruined any chance of an affair with kissing him. A friendship, yes, but not an affair. But what are you looking for?

[Severely Unamused]

so I don't know why I can't resist.

 

Like woinlove said.

 

I'd recommend that you find out exactly what your motivations are before proceeding forward.

[myheartisdying]

I guess my intentions are that I could go either way...im not technically married, but might as well be....i just like that work guy listens to me and asks me questions and I guess we both want to stay in our relationships..so an affair are our intentions. And THANKS for not dissing me. Ive been on the other end and have chewed out girls because I know the feeling. This new side of me has helped me understand what my man felt and how sometimes you really cant help it.

So you really think I didnt ruin the relationship with this guy? I guess if he came over, he wanted to, so idk. I guess my brain is just going 100 miles a minute.

[woinlove]

I guess my intentions are that I could go either way...im not technically married, but might as well be....i just like that work guy listens to me and asks me questions and I guess we both want to stay in our relationships..so an affair are our intentions. And THANKS for not dissing me. Ive been on the other end and have chewed out girls because I know the feeling. This new side of me has helped me understand what my man felt and how sometimes you really cant help it.

So you really think I didnt ruin the relationship with this guy? I guess if he came over, he wanted to, so idk. I guess my brain is just going 100 miles a minute.

 

Actually, you can help it - people can do even more amazing things than not have an affair if they are sufficiently motivated. But some people don't want to help it. Sounds like you want an affair to get some attention, some validation, while continuing to get whatever you get from your other R. Not sure that will work out. Affairs to get some sex and nothing else are much simpler. The trouble with looking for attention, validation is that usually the need is from something within yourself and an affair only appears to fill the need, but there comes a point when you still have to validate yourself and by that time the affair could make you such a mess that it will be even more work than it would be right now.

 

Is your user name over angst of the man you kissed or something else? Seems a bit early in an A to already feel like your heart is dying (but if you read LS, you will see that is not an uncommon feeling later in the affair). Perhaps your are still hurting from your H's infidelity? Or something else? If that is the case, I would recommend IC, developing and/or nuturing strong friendships, physical activity, and a hobby/career/activity that you have a passion for. But, if you are set on going the affair route instead, I really doubt kissing him hurt your chances unless he is a man that only likes the chase, in which case you would not have had him around very long at all to give you attention and validation. Or maybe he doesn't want to have an affair, in which case kissing him might have been a wakeup call to him. Again, something would have soon woken him up in that case anyway. If he is actually inclined to have an affair, you kissing him should have just helped get things moving, even if he acted timid or worried.

 

I really think his reaction to your kiss is the least of your worries. Buckle up and get ready for a bumpy ride if you go the affair route - this kiss will seem like child's play compared to what is coming.

[myheartisdying]

The truth is, my H is emotionally abusive. I do love him, but the spark isnt there after 4 years. He travels for work, is gone weeks, sometimes months, and all I can think about is if he may be cheating. im not pining for sympathy, just want u to get the entire story. He has never hit me, but he just doesnt listen, doesnt empathize, doesnt compliment, puts me down, freaks out and screams once in awhile,...etc. I am attached and codependent and I feel like things could go bad if we seperate. As in bad, I mean literally unbearable. This guy at work told me he "doesnt want to lose what he has." Yeah, I know...i said well maybe you shouldnt do anything then. But at least he made it clear he has no intentions of leaving. My heart is dying because I dont get what I need from my own man, and I tell him time and time again. Im so beside myself. I put on a front and cry myself to sleep.

So, idk if a full blown affair could really happen anyway. He seemed kinda freaked I kissed him and idk if he thought, 'maybe he shouldnt do this'.. Im sorry for rambling, you guys are my confidantes(sp?).. I have no one to talk to about my normal problems, let along this small mess im starting. Keep the replies coming please! It will really help me. Thank you so much for listening.

[jwi71]

Here is the short of it:

 

We haven't done anything except flirt at work, but I know how it feels to be cheated on because my husband has done it to me, so I don't know why I can't resist.

We meet up after work here or there to just say hi.

We met up last week while I was shopping and it's just like flirty talking going on.

Last night he came to my place and was nervous the whole time because his wife had called him. He stayed for an hour, and we just talked and hung out. I drove him to his car, and wanted to kiss him so bad, so I did, and he didn't really get into it, because he was paranoid we'd get caught.

I haven't heard from him today but he IS on vacation. I told him "you don't have to kiss me if you don't want to", and he said he was just really nervous that someone would see us. I said, "I'm sorry, now i feel like an ASS!" he said, "don't worry about it," but should I?

 

YES, i KNOW cheating is wrong and that everyone is going to give me the whole ass-chewing thing, but can anyone that's been in this situation tell me if you think there is a chance this can continue or if I ruined it by kissing him before he kissed me? I know I'm ridic, but just give me advice without biting my head off please... thanks

 

If you could script your affair what would you write?

How does an A IMPROVE things for you NOW?

What are the possible ramifications if/when one or both of you getting caught?

Which man do you want if you have to choose...your BF(?) or your MM?

Which R do you want and how do you plan on ending the other one?

[myheartisdying]

PS- I know the spark goes away in every relationship...but my H is controlling...i cant go out, cant have friends(even tho he says go for it) and cant even speak to a man without telling him. Think I should leave? Its easier said than done. Boy am I a hot mess. Wtf is wrong with me? ....hmmmm be gentle. but i do appreciate opinions.

[myheartisdying]

If you could script your affair what would you write?

How does an A IMPROVE things for you NOW?

What are the possible ramifications if/when one or both of you getting caught?

Which man do you want if you have to choose...your BF(?) or your MM?

Which R do you want and how do you plan on ending the other one?

 

Thanks for those questions. They really help you stand back and truly think.

[whichwayisup]

You end your affair before it gets more serious, then you find a therapist to help you get strong enough and independant enough so you CAN leave your abusive husband. After four years, it seems you don't love him anymore.

 

Life is what you make it to be. Having an affair will just mess you up (as you now know) and complicate your life. Having an affair in the moment may make you feel good but it's going to do A LOT of damage the longer you stay in it.

 

Take time to read other OW's situations in this section. Also, read in the infidelity section too. you know what it's like to be cheated upon, and even though your husband isn't too nice at times he doesn't deserve to be cheated upon.

[dreamingoftigers]

How can you not do anything if he isn't around all that much?

[alexandria35]

I feel like things could go bad if we seperate. As in bad, I mean literally unbearable.

 

I don't understand. What would be so unbearable about leaving? You say he is gone for weeks and months at a time anyways, so why would it be unbearable to leave? Also you keep refering to your partner as your H but you also say that you are not married so what does that mean? Is this a boyfriend that you live with. If that is the case then I really don't know why you wouldn't just leave.

 

My ex really was like you describe your partner. Controlling, jealous, verbally abusive and sometimes downright mean but not physically abusive. After a while it really wore me down and I realized that I was being emotionally damaged. So I left and it was hard. Obviously he had a good side that I loved very much and it hurt deeply to just throw in the towel and walk away. Cheating on him never once crossed my mind. I mean how would that fix anything? Would that make him stop insulting and controlling me? Would that turn him into a loving mature partner? NO! It would have only compounded the problems we already had. And if I cheated on him and he found out??!!! Oh my God! I don't even want to think what would have happened then. Honestly I've never understood women who cheat on guys who they claim are abusive. Morals and integrity aside, I wouldn't have had the guts to cheat on him.

 

If you are unhappy and dissatisfied in your primary relationship then grow the hell up and face it like a mature adult. Cheating is a cowardly and immature way of dealing with your problems. I'm sure you don't want to hear that though. Sounds like you have already made up your mind to cheat and destroy peoples lives.

[myheartisdying]

I think all of this comes from deep down inside...i have been living by the motto 'ignorance is bliss' and havent checked the phone bill in months because I know my man might still b talking to his OW. I probably need to deal with that big issue before anything...ya think? You are right. I do need a therapist. I need to clear my head...i dont even have the words to describe all the many thoughts in my head. God, please dont think im nuts you guys, haha...i am actually a well functioning person. Youre giving good advice, so maybe you all understand what im feeling.?...

[myheartisdying]

Sorry for the confusion. We arent married, just engaged for 3 yrs..together for 4. We have a 3 year old. No wedding date set...but almost refer to him in life as my husband

[dreamingoftigers]

Often those who cheat are trying to avoid something.

 

So it would seem that you don't want to deal with the reality and conflict in your relationship. It would be nice to escape to another where you felt sexy and appreciated.

 

An affair won't do that for very long, then your self-esteem will be worse off than before.

[myheartisdying]

I don't understand. What would be so unbearable about leaving? You say he is gone for weeks and months at a time anyways, so why would it be unbearable to leave? Also you keep refering to your partner as your H but you also say that you are not married so what does that mean? Is this a boyfriend that you live with. If that is the case then I really don't know why you wouldn't just leave.

 

My ex really was like you describe your partner. Controlling, jealous, verbally abusive and sometimes downright mean but not physically abusive. After a while it really wore me down and I realized that I was being emotionally damaged. So I left and it was hard. Obviously he had a good side that I loved very much and it hurt deeply to just throw in the towel and walk away. Cheating on him never once crossed my mind. I mean how would that fix anything? Would that make him stop insulting and controlling me? Would that turn him into a loving mature partner? NO! It would have only compounded the problems we already had. And if I cheated on him and he found out??!!! Oh my God! I don't even want to think what would have happened then. Honestly I've never understood women who cheat on guys who they claim are abusive. Morals and integrity aside, I wouldn't have had the guts to cheat on him.

 

If you are unhappy and dissatisfied in your primary relationship then grow the hell up and face it like a mature adult. Cheating is a cowardly and immature way of dealing with your problems. I'm sure you don't want to hear that though. Sounds like you have already made up your mind to cheat and destroy peoples lives.

 

Your paragraph about your ex sounds identical..and if he found out, I dont even want to think about it. I really thought your last paragraph sounded like something id say only a couple months ago..idk whats gotten into me. I really think this is still hasnt ripened and its early enough for me to quit it.

[dreamingoftigers]

Okay, let's leave the A out of the question for a minute.

 

Why aren't you doing a slow pack-up and go when he is out of town?

 

Is it fear?

[myheartisdying]

Often those who cheat are trying to avoid something.

 

So it would seem that you don't want to deal with the reality and conflict in your relationship. It would be nice to escape to another where you felt sexy and appreciated.

 

An affair won't do that for very long, then your self-esteem will be worse off than before.

Wow, where have you guys been for the last 2 years of my life?

He reconnected with the OW feb.'10 on facebook. Right after my birthday..it was emotional at first, texting for hours from after work til sleep. He was rather annoyed at me, and eventually it came out and he still doesnt know I know they had sex. He wont let me look at his phone...everything isnt my business. OMG-im being downright walked all over! This girl is getting a therapist asap

[myheartisdying]

Okay, let's leave the A out of the question for a minute.

 

Why aren't you doing a slow pack-up and go when he is out of town?

 

Is it fear?

I just cant leave him. It is fear, but idk what it really is that keeps me from leaving. I suppose its lots of things.

[dreamingoftigers]

Okay, which parent left you?

Or smacked you around and told you that you weren't worth it?

[myheartisdying]

ummm..my dad and mom divorced when I was 4...hes still an alcoholic. She remarried I was 9, we got an awesome stepdad and spent wkds @ dads...idk tho...i still have a relationship with my dad... where I live right now I can see his house across town..I had lots of fun when I turned 18 and slept with a few guys here and there...met H when I was 20..now im almost 25. Idk if my life made me do these things...ive always been somewhat troubled I guess, but have no idea why or what trigerred it.

Edited August 27, 2011 by myheartisdying

[dreamingoftigers]

One alcoholic parent at a young age, join the club.

 

Cheating husband .... check

Abandonment issues....check

fear-controlled decisions...check

desire to have a fantasy

relationship to escape it all...check

 

My dear, look for local EMDR therapy if you can. If you can't, try anything to rebuild yourself and conquer the fear. (one nice book that helped me immensely was Taming Your Outer Child)

 

We don't tend to leave these guys all at once, and not until we are firmly convicted that they will not meet our needs and that we deserve better and did not do anything to deserve this treatment.

 

It takes an average of seven times to leave these guys.

 

BTW, the anger is a projection of his own guilt. It is not a fact that you did anything wrong. Watch and see when that anger comes up, it is often when you have a decent point and he is manipulating you to get you to back off. Because he can sense your fear and not wanting to lose him.

 

You are more scared to be alone then to be with him. Affair makes a nice escape in theory so you don't have to face being alone. Either you get the strength inside to not roar back, but to not take any crap either and he smartens up (very very very very narrow band and very very very very few cases, you are the rule not the exception.) OR you start digging for strength and building strength in you to leave.

 

That strong male figure that you want security with is not going to appear until you get stronger. Sorry.

 

--Your twin, separated at birth.

[fooled once]

Here is the short of it:

 

We haven't done anything except flirt at work, but I know how it feels to be cheated on because my husband has done it to me, so I don't know why I can't resist.

We meet up after work here or there to just say hi.

We met up last week while I was shopping and it's just like flirty talking going on.

Last night he came to my place and was nervous the whole time because his wife had called him. He stayed for an hour, and we just talked and hung out. I drove him to his car, and wanted to kiss him so bad, so I did, and he didn't really get into it, because he was paranoid we'd get caught.

I haven't heard from him today but he IS on vacation. I told him "you don't have to kiss me if you don't want to", and he said he was just really nervous that someone would see us. I said, "I'm sorry, now i feel like an ASS!" he said, "don't worry about it," but should I?

 

YES, i KNOW cheating is wrong and that everyone is going to give me the whole ass-chewing thing, but can anyone that's been in this situation tell me if you think there is a chance this can continue or if I ruined it by kissing him before he kissed me? I know I'm ridic, but just give me advice without biting my head off please... thanks

 

#1 Bold - yes you can resist, you are just choosing not to. You are intentionally trying to have an affair; it isn't a whoops or a drunken incident.

 

#2 Bold - umm.. he isn't into you. He may flirt; but the fact that YOU had to kiss him speaks VOLUMES to me. He isn't interested in an affair. You have made yourself look easy. You so badly want anyone/someone to want you, you are instead having the opposite affect, IMHO.

 

I guess my intentions are that I could go either way...im not technically married, but might as well be....i just like that work guy listens to me and asks me questions and I guess we both want to stay in our relationships..so an affair are our intentions. And THANKS for not dissing me. Ive been on the other end and have chewed out girls because I know the feeling. This new side of me has helped me understand what my man felt and how sometimes you really cant help it.

So you really think I didnt ruin the relationship with this guy? I guess if he came over, he wanted to, so idk. I guess my brain is just going 100 miles a minute.

 

An affair is YOUR intention, but considering the guy didn't even want to kiss you .... that doesn't sound like HE has any intention of an affair. He may use you as a one night stand, but you sound so desperate for attention that you are seeing something that isn't there.

 

What do you mean "sometimes you really can't help it"? Are you saying sometimes a person can't HELP but to have an affair? You aren't serious are you? Do you not care at all that you may just be used for him to get off? You are already so invested emotionally and NOTHING has happened; I can't image how you are going to react/behave if you have sex and he dumps you.

 

 

PS- I know the spark goes away in every relationship...but my H is controlling...i cant go out, cant have friends(even tho he says go for it) and cant even speak to a man without telling him. Think I should leave? Its easier said than done. Boy am I a hot mess. Wtf is wrong with me? ....hmmmm be gentle. but i do appreciate opinions.

 

Like others, I am confused on the contradiction of the fact that your boyfriend is never home, yet you can't go anywhere? Those are complete opposite statements. What do you mean you can't speak to a man without telling him? Do you tell him about how you flirt with the guy from work? Did you tell him that the guy came over? Did you tell him how you kissed him?

 

You are all wrapped up in this MM and want so desperately for him to want you; but as you know, he already implied he isn't leaving his wife for you.

 

I don't know how you can say you love your boyfriend; yet actively seek out some guy to have an affair? How exactly are you going to have an affair? Bring him to your house after work when your child is there?

 

I agree that you need some counseling. Before embarking on an affair, fix what is not working inside you. You can blame your parents for your lack of fidelity, but it is not something they control; YOU do. If you feel so unimportant to your boyfriend, either talk with him and you both get into couples counseling to work on issues or end it. Learn to be independent. You do sound very dependent on a man and that isn't good for you or your child.

 

The sparks you are feeling for the MM are part of the affair - the secrecy, the sneaking around, the whole affair fog. How will you feel if your boyfriend finds out, kicks you out and sues for custody of your child? Do you think the MM will all of a sudden develop an interest in you and leave his wife? Most likely, he will run from you if you were free from your relationship because he has no plans to leave his wife nor is he that interested in you -- in my view because of what you wrote about him not even wanting to kiss you in the seclusion of a car NOR did he even try when you were in your home.

 

Please - find a professional you can talk to before doing something you may really come to regret. If you KNOW your boyfriend has had an affair, confront him on it and decide if you two are going to work through it or not. Maybe your boyfriend has an issue with you being too needy or dependent on him? Maybe he wishes you were more independent? IMHO, you two need to really sit down and talk. Make a decision on your relationship before trying to get into another one. Your child deserves either a happy 2 parent home or a happy 1 parent home. Your behavior should be something you want to teach your child and the child can and does feel any tension or angst in the home

[MissBee]

Here is the short of it:

 

We haven't done anything except flirt at work, but I know how it feels to be cheated on because my husband has done it to me, so I don't know why I can't resist.

We meet up after work here or there to just say hi.

We met up last week while I was shopping and it's just like flirty talking going on.

Last night he came to my place and was nervous the whole time because his wife had called him. He stayed for an hour, and we just talked and hung out. I drove him to his car, and wanted to kiss him so bad, so I did, and he didn't really get into it, because he was paranoid we'd get caught.

I haven't heard from him today but he IS on vacation. I told him "you don't have to kiss me if you don't want to", and he said he was just really nervous that someone would see us. I said, "I'm sorry, now i feel like an ASS!" he said, "don't worry about it," but should I?

 

YES, i KNOW cheating is wrong and that everyone is going to give me the whole ass-chewing thing, but can anyone that's been in this situation tell me if you think there is a chance this can continue or if I ruined it by kissing him before he kissed me? I know I'm ridic, but just give me advice without biting my head off please... thanks

 

I don't think you should coerce this man into having an affair with you. While he is grown and can make his own decisions and chose to flirt, hang out etc., the fact that he is so paranoid and reluctant, IMO is a sign that you should leave it alone. He doesn't seem to be gung ho about carrying on an affair with you, not enough to throw caution to the wind at least...so I can't even imagine the fun in having an A with someone who is extremely paranoid and reluctant....

 

It hasn't started and is already on the wrong foot...so I can just imagine if you somehow coerced him into a full blown A, how that would turn out and how finicky he'd probably be.

[MissBee]

Actually, you can help it - people can do even more amazing things than not have an affair if they are sufficiently motivated. But some people don't want to help it. Sounds like you want an affair to get some attention, some validation, while continuing to get whatever you get from your other R. Not sure that will work out. Affairs to get some sex and nothing else are much simpler. The trouble with looking for attention, validation is that usually the need is from something within yourself and an affair only appears to fill the need, but there comes a point when you still have to validate yourself and by that time the affair could make you such a mess that it will be even more work than it would be right now.

 

Is your user name over angst of the man you kissed or something else? Seems a bit early in an A to already feel like your heart is dying (but if you read LS, you will see that is not an uncommon feeling later in the affair). Perhaps your are still hurting from your H's infidelity? Or something else? If that is the case, I would recommend IC, developing and/or nuturing strong friendships, physical activity, and a hobby/career/activity that you have a passion for. But, if you are set on going the affair route instead, I really doubt kissing him hurt your chances unless he is a man that only likes the chase, in which case you would not have had him around very long at all to give you attention and validation. Or maybe he doesn't want to have an affair, in which case kissing him might have been a wakeup call to him. Again, something would have soon woken him up in that case anyway. If he is actually inclined to have an affair, you kissing him should have just helped get things moving, even if he acted timid or worried.

 

I really think his reaction to your kiss is the least of your worries. Buckle up and get ready for a bumpy ride if you go the affair route - this kiss will seem like child's play compared to what is coming.

 

Excellent post! Cosign!