SierraRose Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 (edited) OK, hee's the deal. I have been seeing someone on and off for about a year and a half, with things getting more serious within the last six months. We have talked about moving in together & there is no doubt it is an exclusive relationship. We have been just about inseparable this summer. Last week I spent the enitre week at his house & communted to work. He didnt want me to go home. I live on the East Coast & had to evacuate. He said withut skipping a beat for my son & I to come stay with him where its safe. We unpack my car & I go to use the bathroom. I noticed all of my things are away & out of sight. My toothbrush, not in the toothbrush holder, but in the medicine cabinet way on the top shelf. My girly hair conditioner is hidden in the cabinet too, as well as my pink shower puff. These things are always out. I got a wierd feeling & made a joke about it and f course he blew it off. So, I log on to my laptop & I guess he must have used it previously, because his email opened. Well, low and behold there is an email from a woman saying she "misses him already." I confronted him, & he first blew it off. I asked him a second time & he tried to accuse me of "spying" that she was an old g/f from years ago & hasn't seen her in forever. Gave me the story first, he ran into her at a local store..then he told me his daughter who lives an hour away ran into her. He got real quiet. He is avoiding the issue now. Told me he again, he hasn't seen her. I said "but she misses you already..." Well, I copied her email addy & sent her a note, asking who she is & if something is going on between her and my boyfriend. I am awaiting and answer. I will keep you all posted. Edited August 26, 2011 by SierraRose spelling
A O Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 Stay suspicious I say. Try not to let this mindset negatively influence your relationship but keep on guard nonetheless, until such a time (if such a time actually ever comes) to where he has won back your trust. On again, off again relationships tend to be more off than on, Not the best way of achieving a long-term, meaningful relationship .
Beachgirl8 Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 There is really no logical explanation for him hiding all your things except that another woman was over and he didn't want to explain them to her.
bluenightowl Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 Well, I copied her email addy & sent her a note, asking who she is & if something is going on between her and my boyfriend. I am awaiting and answer. I will keep you all posted. Yes, I agree to stay suspicious, but you just sent her a note? I'm not sure that was a good idea. Its quite likely now your BF will know if she tells him you sent her an email. She might be honest or she might lie to you as well. I wouldn't do much more. By emailing her you are also saying that you don't trust his words anymore and perhaps you shouldn't but you don't know yet the whole story. Just be careful because if by chance he is not in the wrong, you possibly might be contributing to the breakdown of trust as well in the relationship. However, I understand your concern and clearly you're feeling anxious about it all.
Author SierraRose Posted August 26, 2011 Author Posted August 26, 2011 Yes, I agree to stay suspicious, but you just sent her a note? I'm not sure that was a good idea. Its quite likely now your BF will know if she tells him you sent her an email. She might be honest or she might lie to you as well. I wouldn't do much more. By emailing her you are also saying that you don't trust his words anymore and perhaps you shouldn't but you don't know yet the whole story. Just be careful because if by chance he is not in the wrong, you possibly might be contributing to the breakdown of trust as well in the relationship. However, I understand your concern and clearly you're feeling anxious about it all. Well, he had a different ex g/f hanging around for a while & the same thing happened (my stuff put away), EXCEPT months later the full story came out and I was right all along. The difference is, our relationship wasn't as serious as it is now. Putting a woman's things away is a classic sign that another woman was around. Nothing may have happened, but I would almost guarantee there was another female in his home at some point. Now as far as sending her a note? There is a 50/50 shot I am wrong. I guess I rather look like the village idiot then a total moron.
FitChick Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 I wouldn't have contacted the other woman. It's up to him to do that.
OnyxSnowfall Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 (edited) Well, he had a different ex g/f hanging around for a while & the same thing happened (my stuff put away), EXCEPT months later the full story came out and I was right all along. The difference is, our relationship wasn't as serious as it is now. Putting a woman's things away is a classic sign that another woman was around. Nothing may have happened, but I would almost guarantee there was another female in his home at some point. Now as far as sending her a note? There is a 50/50 shot I am wrong. I guess I rather look like the village idiot then a total moron. .... doesn't bode well.... if he were honest and up-front and willing to communicate to you that would be one thing but... (I imagine stumbling upon it again just compounds the mess... doesn't matter if nothing physically inappropriate took place or not, what's behind his unwillingness to be open with you? If he just needs to withdraw as a way to sift through things then... at some point it's probably something that needs to be addressed, regardless). Honestly... I would probably withdraw in your situation (and have from similar ones in my past). It's a problem that he's avoiding talking to you about it... And "already" implies something. It's probably not worth expending the energy to unveil the truth that may elude you no matter what. I've been there, done that, and time is too precious to waste. Edited August 26, 2011 by OnyxSnowfall
FitChick Posted August 26, 2011 Posted August 26, 2011 I was unable to edit the above for some odd reason. I wanted to add: This reminded me of a time many years ago when I just started dating someone. He had me over for the weekend and I found a box of unopened tampons, shampoo, hair conditioner, toothbrushes and other girly things in the bathroom. I asked him about it and he started laughing. He lived in an upscale part of town where everyone got freebies in the mail regularly as part of various marketing campaigns. As time went on, I saw for myself when he checked the mail, all the free samples, like denture cleaner, baby wipes, detergent samples, dental floss. He'd trade with his neighbors if they had something he wanted more of and vice versa. Strange but true.
bluenightowl Posted August 27, 2011 Posted August 27, 2011 Well, he had a different ex g/f hanging around for a while & the same thing happened (my stuff put away), EXCEPT months later the full story came out and I was right all along. The difference is, our relationship wasn't as serious as it is now. Putting a woman's things away is a classic sign that another woman was around. Nothing may have happened, but I would almost guarantee there was another female in his home at some point. Now as far as sending her a note? There is a 50/50 shot I am wrong. I guess I rather look like the village idiot then a total moron. I think what you are doing is trying to expose the situation because you don't trust him. I suspect deep down you already know there is a problem. Most of the time I find one's gut reaction to be right. I honestly would now be thinking long and hard if this is indeed the relationship for you.
Author SierraRose Posted September 4, 2011 Author Posted September 4, 2011 I think what you are doing is trying to expose the situation because you don't trust him. I suspect deep down you already know there is a problem. Most of the time I find one's gut reaction to be right. I honestly would now be thinking long and hard if this is indeed the relationship for you. OK, I WAS RIGHT!!! A woman should always trust her instincts. I confronted him twice & sent her 2 emails. He tried to brush it off, like I am looking for something that doesn't exist & she is just an old friend. She never asnwers my e-mails, so I stepped it up a notch & called her. I wouldn't have done this if my son wasn't involved. I have a 10yr old boy who was starting to bond with him & started looking at him like a step-dad. I have been very protective of my child & I waited almost a year before I allowed them to get to know each other. The weekend I smelled a rat, my son and I were happened to be at his home for 3 days due to Hurricane Irene evacuations. Once I returned home is when I called this woman. I was very nice, because I know she most likely has no clue what is going on & she was caught in the cross-fire. Everything he told me & her was a lie. She told me they met on the internet & have been talking on the phone. She said they hadn't met yet, but were planning to. He told her he was single & that I was just some woman he liked, but I was just more or less some woman who was in love with him, but he was not in love with me and saw no future with me. Ironic, because we have gotten more serious & have been almost inseparable for the last 4 months & talked about our plans of moving in together in the Spring. He wanted my son and I to move in with him sooner! HE said Come move in now! We have been spending the last few weeks downsizing his home & discussing the best location for us. (His place or a new place). We talked about what we want & where we want to be. He was even reading off rental pricing to me from the newspaper, all while my boy was in the next room. He was talking about the future. I was sick to my stomach. I dumped him so fast, he didn't know what hit him. The truth is out & you know what he said? NOTHING. He wouldn't talk about it. He tried to change the subject. He literally said NOTHING. He never apologized, never admitted or denied anything. He wont answer any of my questions or talk about it.
carhill Posted September 4, 2011 Posted September 4, 2011 Trust yourself to enforce your boundaries and accept the results. He's just another man who lies and deceives. There are lots of people in the world like him. I'll bet, if you reflect on your 'on again, off again' history, the signs in the past will be there. It's good information. My sympathies.
Author SierraRose Posted September 11, 2011 Author Posted September 11, 2011 Trust yourself to enforce your boundaries and accept the results. He's just another man who lies and deceives. There are lots of people in the world like him. I'll bet, if you reflect on your 'on again, off again' history, the signs in the past will be there. It's good information. My sympathies. Boundries enforced! I told him "There were women before me & there will be women after me; however, you will never meet another woman like me. Good luck." Living well is the best revenge...:bunny:
cdm369 Posted September 11, 2011 Posted September 11, 2011 Sucks when you find out things like that....I've been there. Where there's smoke there's usually fire. Its funny how the cheater acts all secretive but its your fault for being insecure or for snooping. Im not a snoop but if I see signs im gonna snoop. What's dumb is if you wanna be like that don't get in a relationship.
Author SierraRose Posted September 11, 2011 Author Posted September 11, 2011 Sucks when you find out things like that....I've been there. Where there's smoke there's usually fire. Its funny how the cheater acts all secretive but its your fault for being insecure or for snooping. Im not a snoop but if I see signs im gonna snoop. What's dumb is if you wanna be like that don't get in a relationship. I told him, you aren't sorry you did it, your sorry you got caught...
cdm369 Posted September 11, 2011 Posted September 11, 2011 Exactly right...don't think my fiance would do that to me but when shady behavior comes up I will dig. I don't do things like that so I don't care how much someone digs on me. Go in my phone...my computer...whatever....I don't care.
shayla Posted September 11, 2011 Posted September 11, 2011 I'm almost 50 so keep this in mind when I make my comment: I do not have time or tolerance for bs and game playing. I have raised my children! This man is trying to play the oldest game in the world. I am glad that you dumped him. He would have lied to you from now on. Putting up with that will make you crazy, you would never have any peace or any trust. Not a way to live.
Lilmisus Posted September 11, 2011 Posted September 11, 2011 Can I just say that I'm so sorry that you had to put up with that bs but good for you for getting to the bottom of things. I have a feeling that you didn't even need to e-mail/call the other girl to know that something was going on, but it's great that you did. Especially since the other girl can know just how much of a liar this guy is so he loses both of you. Or at least, let's hope she made the right decision and stopped talking to him too.
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