I've initiated NC but am still looking for closure...

[calreese]

Let me provide a few background details before I try and describe the war being waged inside of my head at the moment...

 

My girlfriend and I began our relationship as naive high school kids (her being a year younger than me), not really sure what love was or how to embark on a truly serious relationship. Over time, we began to learn an immense amount about each other and slowly but surely we fell in love. We began spending more and more time together, but at a cost.

 

See, my girlfriend's father is a police officer, so naturally she has to be incredibly cautious with her actions. On top of this, she has a very strict set of rules to adhere to and could never really experience what her friends were out doing. This meant that as her and I grew closer, she lost many of her friends to partying, an activity that she was terrified to partake in for fear of punishment by her father.

 

Her family situation was not always the best, and to put things simply, there was a stretch of about a year and a half where i was the only person in her life that paid attention to her, spent time with her, talked to her, comforted her, took her out, etc. I sacrificed quite a lot (spending time with my friends, as well) in order to be this girl's guide through a very difficult time in her life, and I did it all because I knew I loved her and was convinced she felt the same way about me.

 

When i left for college, we were still on the same page as far as feelings go, but she was beginning to worry that while i was at school (only about 20 minutes from our hometown) I would be meeting new people and would eventually leave her and find a new college girlfriend. We had countless arguments on this topic, all of them involving me assuring her that I had no desire to find a new girl, that I had already invested so much into her and I was committed to making our relationship work in the long run. She eventually got over her fear of me leaving her, and even began to come out with me to parties (which was a huge risk for her). Remember that she is a year younger than me, so she was coming to college parties as a senior in high school. This was nearing the time of her graduation.

 

Now fast forward to this summer. After her graduation, her dad gave her the freedom to do whatever she wanted, as long as she was willing to pay the price were she to be caught. Needless to say, she was like a child in a candy shop. At this point, the "thrill" of partying had started to wear off on me, and I understood that she had been starved of the ability to socialize with people her own age, so I let her go wild for a few weeks. I figured it would die down, but I was wrong: It got worse. Not only was she going out every night, drinking, smoking, etc. but she was asking me to provide her with alcohol. I had no problem with doing this for her, but it hurt me that she had no problem asking me to get these things for her, but would never ask me to come out with her. When i brought it up, she would say things like, "We always used to spend so much time together, I need to catch up with my friends."

 

It went like this all summer. The last week together was miserable. I finally got her to spend time with me, and she was mean to be honest. She bitched at me, telling me that she was bored, wanted to go home, sighing loudly like she was annoyed. So I took her home, and she somewhat apologized and told me we could spend the next day together after I worked. I agreed. The next day, I called her to see what she was doing, and she was already at another boy's house with her girlfriend, drinking. I was livid. I told her that if she kept neglecting our relationship, she was going to lose me. And that's when she said that we needed to take a break.

 

I was floored. I hadn't seen it coming. I just thought she had been starved for socialization and was trying to make up for lost time. I didn't think she'd put her friends ahead of me. We talked once in person before making it official, and she said things like "We've been dating for so long, I just want to be single for awhile" and, "We should just do our own thing for a month or two, and the time apart will make us realize that we are supposed to be together."

 

And that was the last time I spoke to her. She is off at college, about 30 minutes from where I live. She drinks heavily, smokes weed, and has done drugs (all coming from friends who also go to school here, who have seen her at parties). I have expressed my concern to people close to her that she is experiencing extreme end of the spectrum after being sheltered and that she could hurt herself. I still love her, and regardless of whether we are together or not, I do not want her to be hurt.

 

Now, with that novel out of the way, here is my dilemma. If she is taking this time away to do some self-evaluation, and to look at what she has been through and really decide if she is ready to commit to a serious relationship with me, then i applaud her for her honesty. It only makes me love her more that she realizes that she has to be her own person and be independent before we can be a pair.

 

I have had my doubts, however, that she is possibly just using this time to "live it up", so to speak, with no repercussions and no one to answer to. It makes me sad everytime i think about it, because I feel that she is happier now than she has ever been, and I want to share this part of her life with her, but it seems as though she wants to go through it single in case she comes along someone better.

 

It just sucks to be left hanging like this, and if she were done with me, I would want to know so I could begin to get over her and move on, but at the same time, if she is doing this to ensure that we can be together again, I don't want to completely forget about her and then have to tell her tough luck if she ever decides to come back.

 

side note - I've been thinking about what I would do if she is the one to break NC, because I doubt I would be able to take her back soon after, seeing as I am incredibly confused at the moment.

 

If anyone has been in a situation like this before or can see where I'm coming from, I would appreciate any advice or words of wisdom. I'm kind of going through this blindly, with no idea of what the future holds or what kind of mindset to hold.

 

Thanks

[ConfusedT]

everyone wants closure, but sometimes leaving the other person alone for a while is the BEST option because it gives you BOTH time to heal and look at the situation from another perspective, not with all the intense emotions involved that are often present during a breakup.

 

Maintain NC and even if she breaks it, try your hardest not to respond until you have healed because it will set you back so far.

 

My x has only called once, but I did not respond at all. i cant imagine what his condescending ass had to say, but i didnt want to hear it, good or bad!

 

stick to NC, best, best, best choice!

[calreese]

yeah, even from the beginning my friends told me the best thing to do was let her have her space for awhile, even though i felt like there were so many unanswered questions. I can already tell a big change in my behavior, it's almost like this has been a wake up call to all the things I've been missing and all the people I've neglected.

 

thanks for your opinion, an unbiased opinion is really what i needed!

[ConfusedT]

of course there are unanswered questions, but do you think knowing the answers will help with the pain right now? Or do you think that maybe waiting until the emotions has subsided and possibly hearing them will allow you to understand them better?

I SO agree. I have neglected my friends and my family, because my entire world was my son & him. Noone else mattered and now that I am out of the situation, I can see how unhealthy it really was. I miss him, but it truly is for the best.

 

Another poster said, the more unhealthy the realtionship was, the harder and longer it takes to get over because the majority of the time when you get left, you have no idea how to separate you from us any longer...

[just_scott]

she ended the relationship , do you really want to hear why ? i don't think whatever reason she would give you would be a reason you'd be able to accept or be comfortable with ...

IF she breaks n.c. don't reply least for a day or 2 then simply call or answer her next contact say ''haven't gotten back to you i've been busy ''

THEN you can either ask her what's up , why she called ,OR if she starts talking and you don't wanna hear it just say ''know what it be better if i called you when i had more time ,cause this wont be a short call''

[calreese]

Confused - that's true, I guess I don't really want to know the reason, it just comes back to having closure. Maybe I'm only searching for a reason because that will serve as some sort of closure? Whatever the case, I'm feeling better every day and have started to build myself into a person that can survive with or without her.

 

Scott - I agree with your NC suggestion. I wouldn't consider myself a weak person, and I've had friends get dumped and then take their girlfriends back the second they mention the possibility. To me, its more of a reality check sort of thing: If my girl expects me to be waiting with open arms, she's wrong. I may want her, but I don't need her. Me taking her back right away would be like saying, "Anytime you don't feel comfortable with something in our relationship, just take a break for however long you need." That is not something that I see as being realistic.

[CaliBabe]

I've always wanted closure but finally realized I needed to give myself closure and try to move on. It's all you can do.

[EgoJoe]

Read this thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t278806/?highlight=push+closure

[calreese]

thanks, joe. that was a helpful read.

[EgoJoe]

I hope it helped you to see that you will only get closure from yourself or when they freely offer it the latter being wayyyyy down the line.

 

My perspective shifted back and forth, up and down, left and right many many times and then in NC advanced. Then due to emotional interference and Ego (happening now) I experience bouts of negativity mixed with forced compassion due to new information and understanding.

 

The point is DISTANCE, DISTANCE AND MORE DISTANCE!

 

I still reach out to many people for help and I'm in the midst of a slow, tentative and confusing ending on better terms or reconnect. I am fairly certain (and convinced by Homebrew!!) it will be the first thing before it'll ever be the second.

 

 

Check out, al.turtlecounseling.com and www.bettermen.org for some great reading. These sites helped me tremendously.

[calreese]

Yes, I can see now that no action of hers or words coming from her are going to help me in the coming months. What happened is in the past, and I must accept it for what it is if I am going to ever going to be able to build myself back up. I will surely check out those websites you have listed, simply because I too feel as though third-person accounts are much more honest than talking to family members, friends, etc. that know both me and my ex.

[EgoJoe]

Check this thread out too, it's what happens when you do push for closure.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t281726/?highlight=egojoe